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Finally feel like I want to start dating again

Mattymatt

Imperfectly Perfect
Thanks to the positive benefits of gastric bypass surgery, I have lost a good amount of weight and I am getting healthier physically and mentally so now I am finding that I want to have a social life again with maybe one or two friends. I have so much more energy now and I no longer need to take naps - I can stay awake for an entire day without having difficulty. I even feel like I want to dip my toe into the dating waters again. For the first time in a very long time, the chronic depression and anxiety I've had has been dramatically easing up. At the same time that I want a more active social life, I am desperately afraid of backsliding because it took me so many years to climb out of the deep, dark hole that clinical depression is.

I went to the local bar today to sip a beer and have some wings. I found myself thinking that I feel pretty darn good now and better looking and kind of want a relationship. At the same time, I am scared of having my heart torn to shreds as it takes me a long time to get over heart break. Despite having a relatively menial job, I am happy doing it. I like working in fleet service even though I don't earn a lot of money.

Would it be wise to let myself continue to recover a little longer before jumping into the (sometimes) turbulent waters of a love life? Other than being a really nice guy and decent looking, I am not a great catch from money earning/ambition standpoint. I am not ambitious. I really like my job and am okay tailoring my life style to meet the amount of money I am earning. I am even starting to develop some arm muscle from moving baggage.
 
Matt only you can decide if you are ready to open yourself to a new relationship. You do seem like a nice guy and I can honestly say that materialism is not a factor in true love. You need someone who will love you for the decent man you are, not for your riches, earning power or property. Bling and conspicuous money might make it easier to get short term affection, but they are no substitute for a good heart and a willingness to commit.
 
If you want to start dating again, I see no reason why not to. While finances is definitely a factor for many people, those aren't the people you want to be dating since you're happy with your current income. It will be a good idea to detect these people early on.
 
MatI would start off by getting on some sites where local females are looking for male friends rather than dates and see how that goes or join something local of an interest you have. It will help build your confidence up again.
 
First of all (Congratulations on clawing your way up out of the hole!)

2nd - "At the same time, I am scared of having my heart torn to shreds as it takes me a long time to get over heart break."

If you're looking for a more serious long term relationship i would recommend approaching dating in a well thought out manner. If you pick up a girl from a bar or nightclub odds are she isn't serious or long term material. Probably a heart breaker.
This also applies to dating sites like Plentyoffish. It is predominantly a hook up site.
Where do you have better odds at finding quality women? Well you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen or some other charity event and socialize with your other big hearted co-helpers.
You could start going to church or if you currently go, head there more often.
Join a class or interest group of a hobby you have then you'll meet someone who you at least have something big in common with from the get go.

You'll have to work a little harder than you would for a bar or dating site scenario but since it's going to be long term isn't it worth the extra effort?
 
@Hdphn33 Yeah, Plenty of Fish should be renamed plenty of nothing. I am going to delete my account as it is a waste. Good advice on the volunteering or hobby groups ... I am going to give that a go.
 
i would just suggest you manage your expectations
statistically it may take a few goes before things work out
good luck!
have fun :)!
 
Most of the happiest couples I've met were either high school sweethearts or were introduced by loving family or friends. I've tried all the above. Church was the worst - ended up being stalked by a violent ex-con psychopath in the next pew. Online dating netted me the best results. I don't remember whether it was match.com or matchmaker.com because it was two decades ago but we are still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage.

I've read some of your recent posts and you can communicate well online. The advantage to online dating is that you can meet more people in a shorter time in the comfort of your own turf. You want to meet the right, not the right now person. You can weed out the phonies and get to know if you might be compatible before risking your heart or putting yourself through a stressful first date. People will pretend to be something they are not for several dates until they show their true colors. When people misrepresent themselves online, you are not in the heat of the moment and are more likely to objectively see the red flags and not the pretty false front. If someone seems just right and then you meet them in person and they are not what they said, you know they are dirty rotten liars and at that point it is easy to say "NEXT" without getting your heart broken.
 
I don't feel a lot of people are phony but they are all on for different reasons. A lot of people are not honest or don't want to be too honest all at once, because you can say too much. A person can't know everything about you in one sitting even if both of you want to.

It's easy to say something like "materialism is not love." It's harder to add that people consciously or unconsciously at least initially look at financial factors, but it's usually invisible. If you are doing okay or even well, it might be harder for a person to be with a person of a significantly lower financial status because we don't want one person to be a gold digger to another. Many people including us might be trying to get what we feel is the best option for us. I think it is important to understand that pure materialism is not love, but that there is definitely a lot of unspoken gray area that's important to be aware and socially acceptable when unsaid directly. It's not as simple as just straight out "materialism" either. In any relationship, there are two people. I also do believe that people can and do change. It depends on the person and the circumstances though.

For instance, I had a date who had a "menial job" and I arguably work a significantly more respectable job. The date started talking about all these trips he planned to go on, and he didn't even have a passport or money to do all these things. He also smoked, lived with his parents, and shared a car. It felt like a burden rather than a partner for me personally. It felt like he would disrespect what I brought to the table even though we were attracted to each other physically.

I had a friend who ended up divorcing his husband because the husband didn't want to put the home in both of their names since the friend was making significantly less money and unable to contribute enough for half of the home in one form or another. There is generally a line of respect and understanding for one's financial status that is unspoken that many people don't outright admit to openly because it could sound like one is being a gold digger otherwise, and I think that needs to be balanced with what is materialism. There are many situations that could happen that could sway you or another person to feel otherwise. The balance for each individual and between two individuals is different, and with open-minded people, the balance or feelings could be different between the same two people at different times too.

What one considers good looks, and to a slightly lesser degree, but still important, personality is also considered.
 
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