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feelings of disconnect

Dragon's Tooth

Well-Known Member
I'm kind of putting this out there as an aspie thing that has been happening for a while.

I know aspies can be very disconnected from their emotions. I've been feeling this for a while towards my husband. He is wonderful and all ... I mean I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He's a good provider, he accepts me as I am, he is honest trustworthy and so on. Its just I know I should love him and I think I do I just don't feel like I can access those feelings. It sort of feels like I'm standing on the edge of an arena looking in at those feelings and watching them pass me by. There may as well be a massive gulf between the two. I never told him I almost didn't get on the plane to come back home when I made a trip home to see family at christmas. It was like I would be alright without him and it bothered me that I could just put him aside so easily. Maybe it was because I could see a career future in my home country and a means to get it where as in my new country of residence there isn't much for me until permanent residency comes through and even then I'm not sure.

I haven't spoken to him about this. I'm trying to work out in my head what the real answer for me is. If its just me being an aspie or there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. Or we have just reached that point that all couples do in a relationship where its petered out and we either have to reignite the relationship or let it go. No matter what I decide I am intending to speak with him about it. But until I can work out my own head there is no point getting him all worked up over something it might not be. He tends to take things and internalize them like they are his problems and it makes it very hard for me because sometimes he just needs to give me a hug but he just doesn't get it and I don't know how to tell him what I need.

I've recently picked up a text book on aspergers (one I found mentioned in this forum) and found that this is an actual part of being an Aspie. That Aspies can be very disconnected from their feelings. Its probably the most frustrating part of being an Aspie is I have this weird sense of knowing all these things that should be happening but they just don't seem to be wired up to the part of the brain that needs to be hooked into it.

This is not the first time I have had this issue. I remember trying to program a computer when I was doing my degree. I felt like I knew how to do it, I could even get it into my head, but when it came to getting the program out of my head it got all tangled and jumbled up. I always felt like the piece that got the computer program out my head and into the computer was missing. Very much like I feel now.

I'm just wondering if other Aspies have experienced the same thing and how they might cope with this stuff.
 
This is something I can relate to. I wish I had something useful to say about your marriage, but I'm probably the worst possible person to take advice from concerning relationships.

I dated when I was younger, but I've never experienced love as other people seem to experience it. I was always very independent, secure, and fine with long stretches of time apart while they were always asking for more or uncertain. I was in a serious relationship for four years, but I still never experienced the kind of butterflies-in-the-stomach, can't-stop-thinking-about-you emotions that people tend to associate with love. On a positive note, my feelings not only didn't fade but grew stronger over the years. I'd say it was more like being very attached to and conscious of a living part of my environment that I enjoyed caring for and nurturing. He wasn't my world or my meaning, but something in my world that I was attached to and brought with me on my quest for meaning.

As for the general difference in emotions, I... didn't cope with it. The four-year relationship survived because he didn't want me to be the center of his world or to be around too much, either, and the others just crashed and burned. Since then, I've been feeling like that was it for me. That was my ideal that went too sour to salvage, and while it did break my heart to let go I still feel like it was unusual. I didn't lose any meaning or direction without him, I was just achingly alone. If any part of me is or was ever missing, it isn't or wasn't another human being. I need people more than I need most things, but not like that - no "other half".

Excluding the four-year relationship, I have significantly more intense feelings for my friends and family. For my friends, I feel a distinct sense of admiration for the ones with strong character, a distinct protectiveness of the ones in danger, and a distinct tenderness toward the ones who are hurting. Relationships may have been "nothing but" intimate companionship to me, but friendships have always made me both a stronger and gentler person through inspiration or trial by fire. I have so much more to love in them because of their duration and so many more opportunities to find admirable qualities or deeds.

I have strong and present emotions, but they're very slow to form and won't form at all in the midst of poking, prodding, demanding, wheedling, and arguing, and that fact has ruined the rest of my love life.
 
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I find that even when I can't feel the emotions it never stops me from displaying the love in my actions as to say I show all the same
love and affection even if I don't feel as much pleasure from it. Love is a decision to put someone before yourself the emotion is just part of it.
 
I think its just weird that there is that its like your emotion is on one island and that feeling it is on another with dangerous seas in between.

and your right nolan ... love is a decision. I do feel love it just frightens me I guess how I can sort of be a spectator to it and not really feel it.

Kind of makes you questions stuff is all.
 
Oh those moments of no emotion can feel horrible like when you are doing something you love and can't feel all the pleasure of that moment.:(
The only time it can be nice is an a very stressful situation at work/home and handle it with logic.
Because of my 2-4hr cycle of moods it happens a few times daily. I try to make up for it with the moments of hyper sensitivity emotionally/physically
feeding my emotions to make up for it.:)
 
What's great though is fellow aspies like my sweetheart Butterfly Lady can see through that blank state and see those emotions
on the other side even if I can't express them at that time.:happy:
 
People experience emotions differently... Have I just said one of those "duh" things ? :) never mind... Besides the love, are there other reasons why you want to be with your husband? Do you like his personality, are there any specific traits you like? Do you have anything in common? Are you comfortable with him? What worries you in relationships? What do you need? Can you obtain what you need? There's much more to relationships than the "traditional" feeling of love, and the fact that you may never be able to feel it like someone else shouldn't worry you too much. Try to get comfortable with the way you feel. And if you have felt like not getting on that plane, well, so what, we all have our moments. Maybe you would be ok without your husband, or maybe you would miss him snoring next to you a few weeks later :) think what else connects you 2 and if you enjoy those connections or not, this is love as well, and you don't have to experience any sparkling feelings to know what love is. If you can't connect with your husband at all and can't stand being with him, then its a different story, but I'm not sure if this is the case here
 
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I think I didn't want to go back to my husband because I was missing my family. But I have this weird thing with my family. I do better at relationships with them when we have distance between us. And my family is pretty mentally stuffed up. When I can claim to be the most mentally stable in my family that is a big thing because usually I'm the worst.

Me and my husband are trying to have a baby and we don't have much of a support network in place where we live. So I was seeing what my family had back home (I am one of four siblings) and how all the cousins got to play with each other and I was thinking how different it would be to be with my family and have a baby I guess.

My husband always says to me "Are you going to find someone who loves you as much as me?" I guess not. lol. But I have had other people in other relationships say "no one else will put up with you". I kind of feel like those things are you have to settle for me because there is nothing else out there. My husband's one is probably not that though.
 
I think I didn't want to go back to my husband because I was missing my family. But I have this weird thing with my family. I do better at relationships with them when we have distance between us. And my family is pretty mentally stuffed up. When I can claim to be the most mentally stable in my family that is a big thing because usually I'm the worst.

Me and my husband are trying to have a baby and we don't have much of a support network in place where we live. So I was seeing what my family had back home (I am one of four siblings) and how all the cousins got to play with each other and I was thinking how different it would be to be with my family and have a baby I guess.

My husband always says to me "Are you going to find someone who loves you as much as me?" I guess not. lol. But I have had other people in other relationships say "no one else will put up with you". I kind of feel like those things are you have to settle for me because there is nothing else out there. My husband's one is probably not that though.

Well... In the end you'll have to decide what you want... But... Yeah, if somebody told me something like that I would be really pissed off :) I would say, "of course I will, you, a.h." :) just kidding... but still that's a little demeaning but, I guess, it might be coming from a good place, depends.
 
yeah ... my old flat mate used to tell me that whole "who else will put up with you?" line all the time. He was in love with me. But I wasn't with him. I sort of used to believe it. But now that I reflect on life I realize that is not really the case. I mean I'm living with my husband now. I know I can find others who will put up with me.

My husband can be very childish. he's a five year old in a 25 year olds body. I always used to swear I would never marry my dad (who can also be very childish) but I think I did lol. I find it very very hard to deal with from an aspie perspective because its incredibly unclear what he wants when he's being childish and it confuses me. I tell him every time he does it but he doesn't listen.

when my husband says "Are you going to find someone who loves you as much as me?" I feel like its when my flat mate used to say "no one else will put up with you" but I think my husband is actually saying how much he does love me.

meh this is all so confusing lol ... relationships ... I guess this is why we want to be alone eh.
 

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