Feeling "younger" than my age?

[inkfingers]

I am 19 years old, but mentally, I feel like I'm 13. I think I act younger, too. Does anyone else experience this? I know that there are certain expectations placed upon me according to my age, but I don't feel like I am ready to embark upon some "adult" things quite yet.
I should be working a part time job, doing college work, driving places, dating, etc... Physically and mentally, I cannot do all those things. I often think that I am lazy for not working as much as other people, but then I have to remind myself that the last time I tried to handle a "neurotypical" work load, I crashed. I am still learning to not be hard on myself, but sometimes I feel sub-par compared to the rest of society.

 

[Major Tom]

I've often felt the same and I'm nearly 40.. I'd say my maturity level didn't progress past the age of 20 or so and I don't see it changing any time soon.
Go at things at your own place, and try not to compare yourself to the rest of society.

 

[SusanLR]

This is something I wonder about even now.
What causes emotional arrest?
The seemingly normal desires that happen during teen years.
Want to break out on your own, create your own family or independent life, desire for a partner
and procreation, etc.

I may as well stayed at age 13.

 

[sidd851]

I'm with @Major Tom , as far as the age thing is concerned.
I'm recently turned 49, and I feel like I haven't changed a bit, in that I am aware that I am ever changing, and that process goes on, unabated, and will continue to do so.
Aaannnnd...
I feel decidedly 23-ish.

I'm not quite sure though, that maturity is what I'd call it. I was quite mature, at a young age, and appraised things logically, soberly, realistically.
I also had early, a well cognized template for moral development.

I think about this often.

I have always believed it is mental agility, that I am sensing.
At heart, in mind, I feel 23-ish.

 

[Ginseng]

I have to frequently remind myself that I am 63. It is very difficult to act that age sometimes. I do try though because I know people would not understand. I still enjoy going down the toy isle in stores. I love to look for novel gadgets and unique cool toys. I love to cut up with people.

 

[Fino]

I'm stuck between ages 12 and 17, and I'm 26! I often find it disorienting to be teaching children because of this.

 

[china autie]

Yep, I have a uh rather youthful outlook on life too.

 

[sidd851]

Interesting.

Of all the actual/perceived ages given, we seem to be hitting a 2:1 ratio pretty hard, despite our rather varied actual ages.
Interesting that our perceived ages are pretty much 50% of our actual ages, with little variation.

I am aware, over the years, of it changing, slowly creeping forward.

Does this ratio seem to be pretty solid, for most of us?

 

[Progster]

Now that I'm 47, most definitely! Mentally, I've always been about 30, and that includes ages before 30, but emotionally, much younger

 

[Pats]

I have to frequently remind myself that I am 63. It is very difficult to act that age sometimes. I do try though because I know people would not understand. I still enjoy going down the toy isle in stores. I love to look for novel gadgets and unique cool toys. I love to cut up with people.

My granddaughter found my personal stash - couple spinners (one for each hand - smaller one for my left hand), squishy frog, chain of magnets and tiny 1/2" animals). I love finding unique and interesting things. And as far as the toy aisle - I can use grandkids as an excuse.

Some areas I've always been told I was more mature than others, other areas I know I still think like a 12 year old, and if I've not grown out of it at 61 I doubt I will.
Don't rush yourself into the adult world too fast because once you're there you're stuck in it and it's not fun.

 

[Loren]

Now that I'm 47, most definitely! Mentally, I've always been about 30, and that includes ages before 30, but emotionally, much younger

Exactly, this.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I've always felt like I was perpetually 26 years old. The rude awakening came when I reflected on life the night of my 60th birthday party 2 years ago. So now, I am dragging around reality and lamenting the loss of what I called optimistic innocence. Whatever made me feel I was 26 is still with me, but I am constantly being reminded of reality. If feeling younger is an Autistic trait, then I am grateful, but I know age always wins. It has something to do with a clock.

 

[Onna]

I took one of those online tests the other day ‘what Mental age are you’ the results gave me my exact age. Which I thought was interesting.
I feel older than my age as far as experience and intellect, I enjoy adult activities, environments and discussions, I find it exciting.
For me I think it’s the emotional age that is younger, emotionally I’d say I’m about half my age. Which can also change depending on the emotional subject. And it’s something that I don’t display outwards to NTs because I don’t want them knowing that I’m emotionally immature. This is probably why I feel more comfortable in male company, because they tend to keep their topics light.

 

[Venk]

Im physically 32 but feel about emotionally and developmentally 18ish, like I live on my own (with a flatmate) but im still struggling/trying to be an 'adult' but im emotionally a mess (despite lots of meds, psychiatrists, drs, therapy etc) and not seeming to be able to move any further forwards.

 

[sidd851]

I've always felt like I was perpetually 26 years old. The rude awakening came when I reflected on life the night of my 60th birthday party 2 years ago. So now, I am dragging around reality and lamenting the loss of what I called optimistic innocence. Whatever made me feel I was 26 is still with me, but I am constantly being reminded of reality. If feeling younger is an Autistic trait, then I am grateful, but I know age always wins. It has something to do with a clock.

This. Exactly.

You describe this much the way I do:
As a state of mind, the sense of an organic, essential state of being--- not necessarily an individual aspect like emotional or developmental maturity.
Do you feel this sense of age in the same way that I do?

 

[sidd851]

I took one of those online tests the other day ‘what Mental age are you’ the results gave me my exact age. Which I thought was interesting.
I feel older than my age as far as experience and intellect, I enjoy adult activities, environments and discussions, I find it exciting.
For me I think it’s the emotional age that is younger, emotionally I’d say I’m about half my age. Which can also change depending on the emotional subject. And it’s something that I don’t display outwards to NTs because I don’t want them knowing that I’m emotionally immature. This is probably why I feel more comfortable in male company, because they tend to keep their topics light.

This subject intrigues me.

I have this nagging feeling...

Is the "emotional immaturity" that you speak of possibly simply indicating the difficulty in reacting like NT's to the emotional and social "flow" of interaction?

If so, I don't necessarily consider this "immaturity".

I have acted, spoke, and thought contrarily to the "herd" often.
My difference always stressed a more moral or ethical approach.
A more logical approach.
I sought to be as mature and as compassionate and as objective as possible.
I often counsel others against harm, retaliation, or retribution.
In that way, I consider my emotional intelligence to be superior to most--- my ability to find the ability to commit a kindness on one that would by most be considered an "enemy".
To be able to act altruistically and selflessly.

Yes, I am often "out of sync", on an emotional level, but it is mild amplitude and modulation that is the difficulty--- not my inability to sense the flow, or emotion in others--- only my slight disconnect/distance from it. That desire to preserve the rational oversight of logic and compassion, instead of gut emotional responses which are often destructive, if we heed them.
Is it this distance that you mean, when you say "emotional maturity"?
The distance between "normal" behavior, and our(ASD) actual response?

If so, it would seem to me that "maturity" may be the wrong comparator. That emotional "maturity" would be the ability to act contrary to emotions, when necessary, and/or when they are immoral, unethical, or unacceptable. What are your thoughts?

Is there anyone else that would weigh in on this?
Thank you, @Peter Morrison , @Onna, all.
Interesting discussion.

 

[Fino]

This subject intrigues me.

I have this nagging feeling...

Is the "emotional immaturity" that you speak of possibly simply indicating the difficulty in reacting like NT's to the emotional and social "flow" of interaction?

If so, I don't necessarily consider this "immaturity".

I have acted, spoke, and thought contrarily to the "herd" often.
My difference always stressed a more moral or ethical approach.
A more logical approach.
I sought to be as mature and as compassionate and as objective as possible.
I often counsel others against harm, retaliation, or retribution.
In that way, I consider my emotional intelligence to be superior to most--- my ability to find the ability to commit a kindness on one that would by most be considered an "enemy".
To be able to act altruistically and selflessly.

Yes, I am often "out of sync", on an emotional level, but it is mild amplitude and modulation that is the difficulty--- not my inability to sense the flow, or emotion in others--- only my slight disconnect/distance from it. That desire to preserve the rational oversight of logic and compassion, instead of gut emotional responses which are often destructive, if we heed them.
Is it this distance that you mean, when you say "emotional maturity"?
The distance between "normal" behavior, and our(ASD) actual response?

If so, it would seem to me that "maturity" may be the wrong comparator. That emotional "maturity" would be the ability to act contrary to emotions, when necessary, and/or when they are immoral, unethical, or unacceptable. What are your thoughts?

Is there anyone else that would weigh in on this?
Thank you, @Peter Morrison , @Onna, all.
Interesting discussion.

That's fascinating! I would describe myself in the same way.

Now I'm thinking that maybe the feeling of being 12 could be a subconscious assimilation of my behaviors and interests which are generally perceived to be behaviors and interests of that approximate age level.

For example, sensitivity to taste results in me seeking bland food. Generally, children's food is bland because they, too, are sensitive to taste. "Adult" food is often many more ingredients and spices involved.

An aversion to violence leads me to prefer animated and other family-friendly forms of media, another thing marketed primarily to children.

I rarely lie, I don't hide emotion well, I have a short attention and am impulsive--all features common in children.

I could go on, but the point is that maybe my mind responds to all of this with an overall sense of actually being the age that society tells us all of the above is a part of.

So really, it's society that's telling me I'm 12.

That was just me freewriting in response to your inspiring post, so who knows if any of it had any value!

 

[sidd851]

That's fascinating! I would describe myself in the same way.

Now I'm thinking that maybe the feeling of being 12 could be a subconscious assimilation of my behaviors and interests which are generally perceived to be behaviors and interests of that approximate age level.

For example, sensitivity to taste results in me seeking bland food. Generally, children's food is bland because they, too, are sensitive to taste. "Adult" food is often many more ingredients and spices involved.

An aversion to violence leads me to prefer animated and other family-friendly forms of media, another thing marketed primarily to children.

I rarely lie, I don't hide emotion well, I have a short attention and am impulsive--all features common in children.

I could go on, but the point is that maybe my mind responds to all of this with an overall sense of actually being the age that society tells us all of the above is a part of.

So really, it's society that's telling me I'm 12.

That was just me freewriting in response to your inspiring post, so who knows if any of it had any value!

Yes.

You've described very well what I (clumsily) tried to.

This, exactly.

I think that "emotional maturity" is an arbitrary measurement that has been arbitrarily applied to us, in many cases to place the blame for social difficulty squarely at our feet.
I am sure that there may be many who are "emotionally immature", but I'm not entirely sure that the largest segment of those aren't found in neurotypicals.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I think that "emotional maturity" is an arbitrary measurement that has been arbitrarily applied to us, in many cases to place the blame for social difficulty squarely at our feet.
I am sure that there may be many who are "emotionally immature", but I'm not entirely sure that the largest segment of those aren't found in neurotypicals.

Big topic, but one worth exploring. I have never understood what constitutes an adult beyond some issues of social position involving age. Even actions and behaviors are often seen as either dignified or juvenile, rating someone's place in the child-to-adult hierarchy based on societal perceptions. This age we feel inside is something different, and I can't explain where it comes from. I didn't choose it, it chose me.

I agree with you when you say that this alternative age sense is likely to be more common among those who aren't classified as NT for the same reasons why people on the spectrum can be different in their demeanor due to the neurological differences we know and understand are at work in our lives. Why is it? Dunno. I am aware, though, that in my lifetime people have brought up this topic in conversation because there are people who feel this alternative age. I'm only recently aware of my relationship to ASD, and I don't know enough about neuro-psychology (if this is even the right term) to speculate on an autistic person's relationship to their own development to sense that not feeling your chronological age is unusual. It always seemed unusual to me, especially since the number 26 has no major significance to me.

Is it possible that whatever is causing us to grow physically, spiritually, and emotionally can have a certain preordained time limit? Is this time limit different in everyone? We stop growing physically at some point, and personalities are supposed to be set in stone before age 30. What is it that makes us feel much younger than we really are? Cosmic joke, maybe?

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

The concept of mental age seems to assume that there's a certain developmental progression for maturity that follows the same pattern for everyone. You're supposed to be like this by age 10, then like this by age 20, then like this by age 40, etc. If you do those things earlier, your mental age is higher, and if you do those things later, your mental age is lower. That may be true for many NTs, but people on the spectrum don't seem to follow typical developmental patterns. We can be 'advanced' in one area while being 'delayed' in another area, even when those areas are supposed to be closely related. Socially, you could say that I'm delayed because I have trouble doing a lot of things that come naturally to NTs, but at the same time I seem to have a better intellectual understanding of the things they take for granted, which can actually let me understand better than they do if I have time to analyze the situation.

We also don't always have conventional interests, and NTs have firmly decided that certain interests belong only to certain age groups, so someone can be classified as mature or immature based only on their interests. What business is it of theirs if I like to make and play with little clay creatures and give them species and families and history? It was fun when I was 9 and it's still fun now that I'm 29. How is watching romantic comedies or football games or gossiping about celebrities a more mature activity? And what about the fact that I also like NPR podcasts and sociology and science? But then what about the fact that I still love my made up fantasy world from when I was 7? But what about enjoying documentaries? But what about liking fanfiction? But what about liking the kind of fanfiction that explores the effects of small changes over time or the implication of things that were brushed over in canon, or the way everything changes from different perspectives? And what about the fact that I liked these same things when I was 11? Am I mature or immature? Or do I just like what I like, regardless of what other people say is age-appropriate? Meanwhile, there are plenty of neurotypical adults out there who can't wait to have kids because their kids will give them an excuse to do the fun, childish things that they never really wanted to stop doing but are too embarrassed to do by themselves?

As far as emotional maturity, I'd like to see how well the typical neurotypical would handle their emotions with light shining in their eyes and sounds screeching in their ears while people get mad at them for no apparent reason and act like the things they find impossible are easy and the things they are good at don't matter. What looks like emotional immaturity may come from dealing with a world that wasn't designed for us. It also may come from feeling emotions differently.

Generally, I'm more mature than my classmates. That makes sense, because I'm older than them and have more life experience than them. However, they've never been panicked by not knowing which chair is acceptable to sit in and they have no problem picking their groups for group projects. They've also been on dates and know how to go to bars, and when presented with a new group of people they can automatically arrange themselves into new friend groups before I even realize people are doing that. So who is more mature? It's not really a valid question. I can compare myself now to my past self and say I'm more mature now than I was then, because I can see specific ways that I've improved. I can also see things that I'd like to improve in the future, so I hope that future me is more mature than current me. But comparing the mental age of people on the spectrum to NTs doesn't make sense to me. We just develop differently. It's like saying that a cat is delayed because it hasn't learned to fetch a ball or a dog is delayed because it hasn't learned to climb a tree. Help them learn to do those things if those are useful things to do, but there's no reason to compare the ages at which they learn to do them. They're just different, and we're just different. The rest of the world is just slow to understand that.