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Feeling the need to explain

SimonSays

Van Dweller
V.I.P Member
It makes sense to explain something at length, to give all the information, as it must benefit understanding. And yet in many cases, people do not want to hear such explanations. It can come across as making them have to listen, telling them off, sounding superior, and their ego doesn't like it.

It is better to say only what's needed, to be succinct, to express an idea well without feeling like I don’t want to stop talking. Because that is what can happen. Given the opportunity to explain something, to really get into it, to delve deep, I don't want to stop. That actually there is quite a lot to say on this matter and I can feel I would benefit from being able to.

That doesn't mean you will, or you’re patient enough, willing, or have the time to listen to a lengthy explanation about something you might not even be that interested in. I might think I owe you this explanation, but that doesn't mean you do. And not noticing, not recognising the signs of impatience and irritation, I continue on, only to become irritating and annoying, rather than having explained anything at all. My carefully chosen words have been wasted as the annoyance ensures nothing gets through.

Yet after I’ve been silent for a while, I notice that when it is time for me to say something, as long as the energy doesn't suddenly rise up into a kind of energetic, awkward, self-conscious, feeling. If I remain where I was just before the moment arises, I can say it, simply, and nothing more needs to be said.

Often, it results in a response I can hear, that doesn't contain too many words, hasn't triggered an overwhelming amount of information. My question has been precise. And it is that precision when asking it that makes me feel most me. It is who I am. I feel like myself, not being affected by issues that can easily interfere if I'm not being careful about it.

If you can listen and let me finish, even if there are pauses and you don't just jump straight in and pull the conversation to you. If you can listen and really hear me, the exchange that can take place, when there is time to do so, slows everything down, slows me down, and I find I am being much clearer in expressing myself, feeling confident, not subject to those aspects of me that make me seem like something isn't there that should be there, something isn't accessible that should be.

I know how valuable listening is. What it’s like to not need to speak, to not need to jump in before I've heard everything you want to say. To give time for thoughts to just be there before saying something. That’s why it’s so much easier to communicate here, in writing, on the forum. There is time.
 
I used to get into all sorts of pickles by explaining myself,
then an explanation about explaining myself,
and on and on it goes.

I now generally ask if they would like the long or short answer :)

With regard to listening, I tend to favour that in real life conversations.
 
Wife will ask me a question that cannot be answered honestly with a single word or even a single sentence. She will get angry when I don't deliver the short answer she wants. Why do you always have to complicate things? Just give me a f***ing yes or a no!

That used to hurt my feelings terribly. But, she is built how she is built, wanting short answers so she can move on to the next question which she also wants a short answer to. Nothing I can do about that. (OTOH, I love it when she gives me a long-form reasoned-out answer.)

This probably describes how most people develop their political and moral beliefs and make most of the important decisions in their lives. It is why the world is in its current mess. But there is nothing to be done for it, that's how the great majority of humanity works. Searching for simple absolutes when nothing is simple or absolute. As Aspies, we must adapt or die.

Now I just indicate upfront that the answer isn't so simple and let her decide if she can deal with complexity. If she still pushes for "yes-no," I stand my ground and give her "maybe." Or a percentage chance. Will it rain? There is a 60% chance. She can make of it what she wants.

Of course, sometimes there is a simple answer and if I can find it, that's what I'll give.
 

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