Feeling like you can't ask for what you want/need?

[Coupe]

Does anyone feel like you can't, or don't even have to right to, stick up for yourself and let people know what you need/want in order to feel comfortable and safe? Whether it was b/c no one ever really helped you learn how, or you tried to when you were growing up and were discouraged from doing so b/c it made you an "inconvenience" and "you couldn't always have it your way?"

I'll give an example....When I was about 13, I went to the hospital for some surgery. I took my favorite stuffed dolphin with me just so I would have a familiar object with me. When I was placed in the actual surgery room, I was pretty relaxed and comfortable with what was happening until the surgeon and nurses asked me to position myself in a certain way on the operating table. I was trying to move/ position my body in the way they wanted me to (while trying to stay decent in the flimsy hospital gown I had to change into earlier) and then one of the nurses noticed My Dolphin at my side. Just as I had settled down and was about to reach for her in order to hold her to my chest, the nurse took her off the table and said, "Aaaaw, who's this? She's sooo cute!" Another nurse turned around and asked curiously, "Who's so cute?" "Her little fishie - look!" the dolphin-napping nurse replied, turning away from me and showing My Dolphin to the other two nurses.

"She's a dolphin," I corrected them from the operating table, when what I really wanted to expend my energy on was asking, "Can you give her back to me now? I didn't say you could pick her up and move her out of my reach." But I couldn't, b/c I was always taught subtly (and not-so-subtly) during my childhood that it just was not okay to assert myself, ask for what I wanted, and call people out when they crossed my boundaries.

Now I was beginning to grow anxious - the doctor and my mom had promised me that My Dolphin could stay with me during the whole surgery even though my mom couldn't, but what if that didn't apply now that my mom wasn't here to enforce it? What if this meant the nurses were going to put My Dolphin "someplace safe" and I'd have to go thru this alone? My anxiety started to spike, and I knew that it wouldn't be if My Dolphin were there in my arms, if I could stim by rubbing her dorsal fin b/tw my fingers and dangling her upside-down to hear the plastic beans inside her as they rushed down towards her tail like rainfall....I always calmed down when My Dolphin was there, she always protected me. Were the nurses confiscating her b/c they thought she was too dirty? Surely not, my mom had made sure to zip her into a mesh bag and throw her in the washing machine the day before........

After what seemed far too long, the nurses gave My Dolphin back, gushing about what a "cute little fishie" she was. I was so preoccupied with the feelings of relief at having her back that I didn't catch the directions that the surgeon was giving me - this led to the surgeon and nurses having to repeat themselves, and Heaven forbid that NTs should have to repeat themselves, don't you know! /sarcasm....anyway, the surgery went just fine - My Dolphin was there when I went under, and she was there when I slowly came to in post-op.

I think that not being able to self-advocate and speak up for myself is starting to catch up with me now b/c whenever I feel invalidated or someone oversteps one of my boundaries, I get really angry and feel like throwing/breaking things, screaming, or physically harming the person doing it....instead, I usually end up scratching/biting myself really hard, or crying/hyperventilating. It's either a meltdown, a panic attack, or a glorified adult temper tantrum - I don't know which. I might have mentioned it before, but when it happens, it feels like firecrackers are going off in my head, and my emotions need some kind of outlet NOW, or the alternative is pain. I haven't always been this way; this is a fairly recent development in the way I process strong emotions.

Does anyone else feel this way? How did you manage to stick up for yourself, or how do you cope?

 

[Suzanne]

You have just so eloquently described me!

I even felt like crying and reaching out for your dolphine and wanting to scream: give her back!

I had a blue teddy bear that had a bell in one ear and it went everywhere with me. Sadly, I ended up giving it to my youngest sister, who was put in care and never seen it again. She does not want any communication with me, but no one made an effort to give me back my teddy bear and that rankled more than my sister snubbing me!

It was actually finding out what is at last going on with me, that gave me a bit of a voice. But still, in certain environments, I would feel very shy to say what I wanted and I have endured pain, because of feeling ashamed to call for help.

My husband who has absolutely no understanding with aspergers and even compares himself to me, which crushes me. Well, despite this, I have managed to say things that I do not wish to do. Like: he was asked to go and cut grass at a person we know's, home. He actually twisted my arm (not literally) by saying that she has meringue and ice cream, especially for me (heck, not sure why that would appeal to me, since I am not a great ice cream lover) but I said: ok, I will go! But then he confessed he had made it up, to get me to go and I could not back down! But it caused me such anxiety but decided that I would try to go. You see, it is very hard for me to go visiting people, at the best of times, but when in a language that I struggle with, whoa. I, in the end, texted my husband and said that the truth was, I just can't go, because the thought of struggling to make conversation in French, is just too much for me and he no doubt, knew this and was ok with it.

I cannot give you any magic formula to help, because I struggle every time myself, especially with ones I do not know.

 

[Ylva]

or you tried to when you were growing up and were discouraged from doing so b/c it made you an "inconvenience" and "you couldn't always have it your way?"

This.

Those were some invasive nurses you had.

To counter my conditioning, I have read novels with women who knew how to say no, most recently Pride and Prejudice. By way of movies, I think the only Disney princesses I have seen who were capable of setting boundaries were Queen Elsa and princess Jasmine. And I guess Kida, despite not being in the lineup. And really not that many women in film in general.

 

[wanderer03]

I've been in similar situations many times. The nurses were terrible and very insensitive. They sought you out for their own amusement. There is nothing wrong at all for wanting something to bring you comfort in a stressful situation, especially in a surgical situation with large, glaring lights and all kinds of sounds. It is totally understandable how you would be unable to form the words to advocate for yourself.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I go into "follow everyone else's lead" mode, and can't really think about what I need/want at the same time. It's all about emulating everyone else. My emotions are so slow to surface, I don't actually recognize what I want in a way I could put words to until after the situation is over.

I can totally relate to your story and have several similar ones of my own.

 

[Mia]

I think that not being able to self-advocate and speak up for myself is starting to catch up with me now b/c whenever I feel invalidated or someone oversteps one of my boundaries, I get really angry and feel like throwing/breaking things, screaming, or physically harming the person doing it

Yeah, used to feel that way too. Like a cartoon character who turns bright red and steam comes out of their ears. It takes me awhile to be able to speak after that, and by then it's usually too late.

So, if someone does something now that oversteps my boundaries I walk away. Later when I'm calmer, and have had time to think about what happened I usually have a 'talk' or discussion with the person. If I can't get away from the situation immediately I attempt to focus and breathe and not overreact.

Although, I do 'lose it' once in a while.

 

[Astroganga]

Yes I have had this, and in medical situations as well, I feel if I assert myself I am going to cause hassle and am probably just being a hypochondriac. There have been two occasions where I was seriously ill, but I convinced myself I was worrying over nothing and didn't want to trouble people. If family members hadn't have driven me to the hospital and sat with me until I was seen I may not be here today.

 

[On the Inside]

For me, it has been being stoic, learning to handle things on my own. This mostly comes from my upbringing, or so I've long thought. I never had anyone to advocate for me, so I never really knew it was something that could be done, by me or by someone else for me, so I very rarely ask for any help or advice. I just get things on my own somehow, or I do without.

Maybe ASD does have something to do with it. As I have grown older, I can see how my inability to advocate for myself has greatly diminished my quality of life. I have put up with substandard housing, poor working conditions, being taken advantage of and generally not getting my wants/needs met. I certainly do not ask for or expect too much, whether that is a learned behavior, or is integral with having Asperger's, I don't know.

 

[Andrew206]

I have trouble asking for what I want/need. It's due to my Asperger's and feeling nervous. But I'm trying my best to overcome being nervous.

 

[Suzanne]

I've been in similar situations many times. The nurses were terrible and very insensitive. They sought you out for their own amusement. There is nothing wrong at all for wanting something to bring you comfort in a stressful situation, especially in a surgical situation with large, glaring lights and all kinds of sounds. It is totally understandable how you would be unable to form the words to advocate for yourself.

I go horribly red when extremely anxious or embarrassed and one time, was in hospital and the nurses kept pointing and exclaiming how red I was; I could have hit them for their sheer insensitivity! Happened twice to me and hate hospitals!

 

[fuzz]

Whenever I see a doctor or nurse first thing I say after Hello is I have Asperger Syndrome and I may find communication difficult. I've found this to give better results then saying nothing, like I did before my diagnosis, and then not knowing how to respond to something they say.

I think if I was having an operation with a number of people around me, instead of trying to announce to the room I have Aspergers, I would mention my Aspergers at the pre-operation conversation and ask them to let everyone else know I have it beforehand and that I may get confused and may need them to be patient and repeat instructions. It would give me a little more confidence to be myself and not worry that if I acted odd they might freak out.

 

[On the Inside]

Whenever I see a doctor or nurse first thing I say after Hello is I have Asperger Syndrome and I may find communication difficult.

I am fortunate in being able to talk to doctors and other medical staff, dentist, etc. I actually enjoy it. I initiate the encounter by making an appointment, it is in person, and I have a definite purpose in being there, it is in my best interest to communicate, and, since human anatomy and the medical field were once interests of mine, (my mom was an RN) I kind of understand what's going on.

My communication problems are more caused by the intrusive, such as people asking me a lot of questions, or when things are pressured and/or rushed, like at a busy fast food restaurant. Then there are the old not knowing how to say what I need to say, or ask what needs asking.

 

[Naturalist]

I have had so many experiences in which my own reactions were deemed "rude" or "inappropriate," that I know longer feel that I have a right to state my case, or ask for what I need. My husband even tells me I am overreacting when I state how I feel or that I need others to adjust their behavior toward me. Ironically, many of these same people say that I "should be more assertive" but I can't understand when it's good to be assertive and when I should stay quiet...???

 

[Ylva]

I have had so many experiences in which my own reactions were deemed "rude" or "inappropriate," that I know longer feel that I have a right to state my case, or ask for what I need. My husband even tells me I am overreacting when I state how I feel or that I need others to adjust their behavior toward me. Ironically, many of these same people say that I "should be more assertive" but I can't understand when it's good to be assertive and when I should stay quiet...???

The correct answer is "whenever is convenient to the person who is telling you how to be". This is why you shouldn't care so much what others think.

 

[wanderer03]

I have had so many experiences in which my own reactions were deemed "rude" or "inappropriate," that I know longer feel that I have a right to state my case, or ask for what I need. My husband even tells me I am overreacting when I state how I feel or that I need others to adjust their behavior toward me. Ironically, many of these same people say that I "should be more assertive" but I can't understand when it's good to be assertive and when I should stay quiet...???

No stranger to them either. At some point I figured I would have to stand up for myself, other people's opinions be damned. Neurotypicals seem to live in a world of mixed signals in which they can walk that fine line between socially appropriate and socially inappropriate. I am unable to decipher that fine line but I see no reason why I should be in complete misery. At some point, I just say **** it and do what I have to do.

 

[OrSomething]

Yes, a lot of the time I feel like I can't ask for what I want, like asking for it will ruin the experience of getting it. Then when I feel someone's treated me unfairly, a lot of the time I don't stand up for myself, because I'm too shy or because I just can't be bothered. I'm better with this than I used to be.

 

[The Penguin]

I find this been a huge issue for me since I moved to Nova Scotia. Before I continue, and people from this province, I understand what I’m going to write can happen anywhere, however, it seems the most problems for me in my life always been in Nova Scotia.

There have been many organizations I been trying to get support. Majority of them been empty promises. As there very limited options in Nova Scotia, I learned I need to stand up for myself. I taken people to court, did a human rights case and taken other action against people here. Though I don’t understand why for me being in Nova Scotia is this is the only way I can get people to cooperate with me is to take legal action and/or report them to authorities?

If I didn’t take the above action, I would have continued to live a life of poverty.

 

[David Larson]

I think that in general children are conditioned by the schools especially to shut up and fall in line.

Long story short, I was a headstrong child who wasn't scared to tell the world what I wanted, and the system beat me into submission. I became timid and was afraid to so much as ask someone else the time of day. Every other word out of my mouth was "sorry".

Everything I learned about being my own advocate came from the time I spent with the punk rock movement early in adulthood. Those people taught me to put both middle fingers up to anyone who would try to silence my voice. They taught me to demand satisfaction, and to hell whether others liked it or not. Basically, they made me grow a spine. I don't regret those times.

 

[wanderer03]

I think that in general children are conditioned by the schools especially to shut up and fall in line.

Long story short, I was a headstrong child who wasn't scared to tell the world what I wanted, and the system beat me into submission. I became timid and was afraid to so much as ask someone else the time of day. Every other word out of my mouth was "sorry".

Everything I learned about being my own advocate came from the time I spent with the punk rock movement early in adulthood. Those people taught me to put both middle fingers up to anyone who would try to silence my voice. They taught me to demand satisfaction, and to hell whether others liked it or not. Basically, they made me grow a spine. I don't regret those times.

It's funny but I experienced the same. It was the indy punk, psychobilly, metal groups that taught me the same.