Feeling like my fiance doesn't understand me lately

[Laura]

Okay, so my fiance and I have been together for about a year now, and we're usually very close, but of late we've been arguing almost constantly about the problems my condition poses, he finds my meltdowns particularly hard to deal with and doesn't seem to understand that my routine has to be specifically planned out every day otherwise I get very stressed, it's causing so much friction between us I'm not sure if our relationship can survive it, can anybody help us? I don't want to end my relationship as he is the only company I have. Thanks

 

[Cerulean]

I'm not in a position to offer advice, just wanted to send you an e-hug. My husband and I go through that sometimes and it can be tough.

 

[Arashi222]

I am sorry to hear that you are having relationship issues. I am not in a relationship myself but I did do couples counselings for a few clients of mine in my internship. I am wondering if it would be helpful to sit him down and really talk about how you understand that the meltdowns bother him and then explain how they happen and why having structured days are so important. Explaining that part of the condition is minimizing the meltdowns and that in order to do that you have to do things in a certain way. I wish you a lot of luck but maybe having a nice good sit down talk about your condition as you call it and what that really entails or a gentle reminder discussion that sometimes it won't be easy. Bug internets hug.

 

[Soup]

@Arashi222: you are always so sensitive to others & so wise!

@Laura: Hi there! i remember reading your profile. You're the woman with the high IQ & the mom who thinks you've magically 'grown out of' Asperger's like a child outgrows his booties. Right?

I'm a married Aspie with 2 grown kids, I'm similarly well educated & also with a high IQ (<--- for all the good it does: sometimes you'd never know it! haha!). As for what to do about your relationship, I'd like to know 3 things before I really put my mental shoulder into it:

1. What do your typical melt-downs entail?

2. How often do they occur & where are they likely to happen (at home? in public? alone? in front of him? at family get togethers etc.)

3. Have said melt-downs increased in either frequency or intensity or undergone a change in how they're expressed (for instance going from a crying jag to throwing the dog through the window etc.)

I'll await your responses & I hope others here can weigh in & help too.

 

[rolo]

@Laura- I second both Arashis and Soups sound advise -I too will await your response-relationships are a two way thing- I will however add another observation-you stated
"I don't want to end my relationship as he is the only company I have" That puts a lot of pressure on one person-do you have an Aspergers group near you or anyone you might be able to talk too? in my experience focusing and somewhat relying on the emotional support of only one person, can cause problems for both parties, especially as you are so young-how old is your fiance?

 

[Laura]

@Soup They can range in intensity, they usually happen when i get overwhelmed, so in crowded situations at parties and things like that, usually they're like a panic attack, I start rocking and crying, but sometimes i'll fly into a rage and hit everything in sight (mercifully rare!) if my routine is broken it almost always leads to some sort of meltdown. They also happen sometimes if i'm constantly interrupted (I hate it when people talk over me constantly) they've decreased since I left home, probably because I left the stress of living with my mum, but recent stress has made them worse and it's putting a big strain on my relationship, my fiance does try, but I can tell he doesn't really understand the situation properly, since he's so used to not having much routine in his life, and i've grown up with a strict day to day routine planned in my head, and I go bonkers if that's broken.
@Arashi222 & Cerulean Thanks for the hugs and support, I will be sitting down and talking to him soon, not today though, he's got a sore head due to a morning seizure :/
and finally Rolo, he's 35, and i've always found that i make strong attachments to one particular person, I do have my younger sister to speak to, she's always there for me when I need her, and of course my dad and stepmum, they're a great support

 

[Soup]

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you 2 are going through a rough patch in your relationship. From what you've described, I'm seeing 4 things:

1. Your melt downs take place in crowded public settings where you have panic attacks, cry & rock. This means that your fianc? must be very careful about where & when you go places together, who will be there & what you will be doing. Most likely, he cannot always control or predict these variables. While I don't expect you to wave a magic wand & stop having public panic attacks or melt downs, I do understand that, for your partner, this must be very disconcerting, embarrassing & possibly compromising-depending upon who the other people present are. Even when you don't have a melt-down, please understand that, for your NT fianc?, the worry that it just might happen is sitting in the back of his head distracting him from fully enjoying whatever the event is.

2. "...but recent stress has made them worse and it's putting a big strain on my relationship, my fiance does try, but I can tell he doesn't really understand the situation properly, since he's so used to not having much routine in his life, and i've grown up with a strict day to day routine planned in my head, and I go bonkers if that's broken."- Laura.

Melt-downs are tough to live through & tough to witness. Now that they've gotten worse, your fianc? may be looking at the possibility of a life-time of worsening melt-downs (as marriage increases the stress & demands on a couple) & feeling overwhelmed at the implications of that. You mention in your bio that he 'takes care of me'. If you're going to get married & become husband & wife (NOT the same as girlfriend & boyfriend even if a couple lives together for years!) the prospect of being a permanent care-taker to a potentially volatile emotionally 'iffy' woman may be part of what's driving his frustration with you. Please don't read blame or accusation of any kind into my rather blunt delivery. I don't have reason to think that either of you are deliberately antagonistic people. Understand that for a NT, Asperger's is largely a mystery & its hard for them to understand why you don't simply stop doing something or 'get over it'. Especially when so many of us are very intellectually competent. They don't understand that once a melt down has begun, stopping it is like trying to un-ring a bell!

3. The 3rd issue I'm seeing here is an age difference that is almost a generational one. Have the two of you discussed this & the implications of it for the two of you? At 19, your brain hasn't even finished growing yet. You are extremely young (despite your obvious intelligence, education & many talents). You mentioned too that you were in a difficult situation with your NT mother (I've got a NT mother too: I understand how hard it can be!) before moving out.

It seems to me you moved out from under one parent's roof to a situation where you are living with a man who could theoretically BE your father (had he been a teen father like thousands the world over). So many adolescent to barely post adolescent girls do this: especially the highly intelligent ones, vulnerable ones, ones where a positive father figure is absent, ones with special needs, ones in conflict with their parent(s). Sometimes these relationships do work out & result in happy marriages. It CAN happen, BUT a lot of work must be done to achieve that end.

He is a grown 35 year old man with, I imagine, tons more life/real world experience than you have. Since you've been engaged for a year, that leaves you at engaged at 18 to a 34 yr old man & I imagine you didn't become engaged after the 1st date- so it is very likely that a 33 year old man became romantically involved with a 17 yr old teenager. Regardless of whether one is liberal or conservative, religious or atheist, purely from a developmental/sociological perspective, it is highly problematic. You are still young & maturing whereas he's already well into adulthood. I am concerned as to how your parents feel about him in this regard. Soon, you'll become a much more independent free-thinking adult. Will he still expect you to be a malleable child-like figure? What as his control over your life together diminishes (as it ALWAYS does when a girl becomes a woman).

4. You mention much about how you think & feel & how things need to be done your way because of your anxiety issues regarding rigid scheduling etc & that this is becoming a point of conflict between you. You mention that he takes care of you & that he's the only companion you have. What I noticed (& I re-read your posts AND your bio to be sure I wasn't mistaken) is that nowhere & in no way do you mention what it is that you do for him. What are his needs? In what way are you being supportive of him? In what ways are YOU taking care of HIM? In order for a relationship to turn into a viable marriage, HE has to be able to see what is in it for him as well. You mention not liking being interrupted: do you listen attentively to him & actually respond to what he says even if it isn't your favourite topic of interest? Marriage truly must be a 2 way street in order for it to BE a marriage (as opposed to 2 people who got dressed up & signed some papers). Although your needs, in part due to Asperger's, are numerous, they cannot overshadow every aspect of your relationship & shape or control everything in it. If he begins feeling like he must cram himself into the corners of your world & fit himself in like a puzzle piece, your relationship will not be viable.

I've said a lot, but I also said I'd put my mental muscle into your questions & I always take this kind of thing seriously. As for talking about potential solutions & possible strategies you may choose to implement, I'll leave them for another post depending upon how you respond to this one.

 

[Laura]

I will start by responding to your last post. Gavin has epilepsy and ADHD. I am always there to pick him up when he has fits, and peel him off the ceiling when he gets hyper! We work well as a team, although I do most of the work around the house (laundry, dishes, making up the beds etc) he takes me to my appointments and things. We love to just sit together and watch movies, but conversationally we do lack a little bit. He talks a lot, and I listen, but some of the time I don't understand what he's saying, I'll always pay attention to him, unless I'm watching a video. This is another problem. He thinks I'm ignorant when I don't hear him when I have my headphones in watching a film on my computer, but I'm not ignoring him, I just can't hear him! We do tend to have some good talks about things, and we laugh and we're very close, but I actually prefer to just snuggle with him and watch TV. If I have an issue with him, we'll talk it through as best we can, but we both tend to get a case of foot-in-mouth disease and say the wrong things. It's small niggly things that get to me, and maybe its me that needs to work on that, not him,
As for the age thing, a lot of people have mentioned the age gap, and many people think it a bit different, but they see us as a couple, and it isn't a problem. I admit, my family were very very apprehensive at first, but once they saw that we were a good couple, they approved. It was a very quick engagement in all honesty, only 2 months into the relationship (we were good friends for a couple of years before we became a couple), which caused some disputes with my family, but again, once they saw I was happy, they're OK with it. I do understand where you're coming from though, from a stranger's perspective, it's far easier to see the potential problems within a relationship. As for my mother, we're still not sure if she's Neurotypical, we think there may be some autistic tendencies as well as some nasty psychosis in there somewhere, or else she just doesn't like me lol.

I can see that Gavin would be worried about our future together, he cares about me a great deal, he worries too much about me sometimes I think, like I recently found out I have a very small cyst on my brain, and he's now terrified. The doctors tell me it's pretty much harmless, but I'm not sure whether he's worried about having to care for me if I had to have surgery, or just me being hurt. I know that my meltdowns upset him, I had a particularly bad one due to a friend of mine getting sick (I have a bad phobia of all things sicky) and although he held onto me, hugged me tight and calmed me down, I could tell he was shaken by it. This worries me, because he's worrying about me over everything that goes off in my brain, my seizures, my meltdowns, and I'm really scared that one day he's just going to say "I love you but I can't deal with the worry any more" and leave.

We always have to be careful when we go out places. I only go to two different bars in my town, and when there's a live band on at one of them, although I enjoy it, it can get extremely crowded, at which point I either stand outside where I feel safer, or I hold Gavin's hand and I feel better. I'm blessed to have a little group of friends who all know about my Asperger's, and accept me for all my problems, they know exactly how to deal with my meltdowns and panic attacks and I never go out without at least one of them with me, except to the shop.

I've tried to answer your post to the best of my ability and knowledge, thank you for being there for me at this time, it's really helping me see what's possibly going on, and maybe how I can resolve it