feeling guilty about breaking things off with boyfriend

[kinglychee]

Hi all,

I am new here, so very nice to meet you all! I have been reading lots of posts on this website and it's been extremely helpful. So thank you!

I met my ex undiagnosed AS bf online and we were dating for a bit over a year. We are both very independent, he travels a whole lot for work so we don't really see each other much. I am a speech therapist who services kids with special needs (including kids with ASD). I love to travel as well but I am mostly local and able to meet whenever he is in town/have time.

It took me a while to figure out that he might have AS, because he is very high functioning. The traits that I observed were: lack of empathy (he will specifically ask me what he should say when I am stressed/upset), communication issues (absolutely can't express emotions, he will either physically walk away or will say "my head is boiling"), very rigid routines, very inconsistent responses to text/phone calls, mostly one word answer or if I ask a specific question, then I will get a text back. He can't bring himself to do anything that he is not directly interested in. Hanging out with his friends is stressful for him, he doesn't really "miss" his family or put effort to keep in touch with them coz he doesn't see the need for it but he loves them dearly...etc. He is fully aware some of the traits and he told me he has "no empathy" and he always think and feel very different than everyone else and he doesn't know why. He thinks he is a psychopath... of course I told him he is not.

So I tried to be as understanding as possible, I will initiate with text or to meet in person, entirely working around his schedule. With text, I have accepted that fact that if I just share something about what I did over the weekend, he will just read my messages and I wouldn't get a response. I never expect compliments, affections in public, in fact, I think his ways of showing through his actions is adorable and I truly appreciate his bluntness.

We had a few conversations about where things are at between us, and things would improve a bit (communication and time spent, we agreed to build a serious relationship together) But for the last 3 months, I only saw him twice (2-3 hours each time). He is ignoring my text way more than usual. In the past, he told me he is trying to work really hard to pursue his career (engineer) and the busy work season is just a phase and things will get better, I patiently waited for 6 months and it didn't get any better, in fact, it has gotten way worse.

So I tried to have a conversation with him again the last time when I met with him 2 weeks ago. I was factual and absolutely not emotional, I stated that my needs (communication and time spent) are not being met, and I said knowing him for a bit longer than a year, I am not sure if my needs will ever be met, and I asked him if he agrees or disagree with my observation. I told him by no means I want to put him on the spot, so he can think about it and let me know. He was calm and he said he needs to think about it, he said he will reach out at the end of the week via phone call or in person, listen to my concerns, see what's acceptable and unacceptable to me and see what he can do about it. He also said that he understands it takes 2 people to figure things out and work on things together.

Weekend came, radio silence. I texted him to let him know that I am upset because he didn't follow through and asked him to explain what's going on. He texted 2 days later with funny GIFs, no apology, no acknowledgment for not following through, let me know that he is traveling and with 2 long paragraphs that he thinks we want different things, his busy nature and work doesn't fit in my picture, I am awesome, amazing, we vibe, he always want to spend time with me, but he is more work focused and can't give or promise me things things that he can't keep up with. He also said that he tried to work on things but it seems like he failed very badly several times. So he told me I should make a decision that is best for myself. I was so hurt and upset, I responded with one line "good to know, that doesn't work for me, take care". he responded 2 days after "thanks, take care".

I am so confused as to why what he told me in person was sooooo different than what he said in text, am I expecting too much for someone with AS if I want to see him once a week or twice a month? The whole situation just didn't make any sense? He thinks I am amazing, awesome, always want to see me but also don't want to commit and work on things?! I guess I need help to process this and I definitely feel bad with my 1 sentence response, but I just felt so disrespected he just sent me a text and thats it. Didn't follow through with what he said. And, also sounded like, he didn't want to do any work but just want me to stay with him anyways. Should I try again to reach out and apologize coz of my short response? Try harder? Does he even feel hurt? Please advise......

 

[onlything]

It seems to me that his answer was quite clear. Unfortunately, you are not his main focus. I'm sorry since it must hurt a lot but it would be better for you to move on.

 

[Tom]

I responded with one line "good to know, that doesn't work for me, take care". he responded 2 days after "thanks, take care".

It looks pretty clear to me. You saw it wasn't going to work and made your decision. Just my opinion, but I think you made the right choice. I think it is now your turn to follow thru and let it go.

 

[BraidedPony]

He doesn't have the relationship skills required to make things work out.
You are better off without him.

 

[kinglychee]

Thank you for the responses. Things just ended so abruptly and I don't know what to make of it. And I don't understand if things don't work out why didn't he end things but asked me to make the decision? He always told me when things don't work out for him he would end things in person immediately instead of wasting time even though it might hurt the other person, but he definitely didn't do that to me. I don't know if I should reach out and ask to be friends since it's just "bad timing"? Anyone have experience staying friends with AS/NT partners post breakup?

I just have a feeling if we stay friends we might just end up bring friends with benefits...

 

[Trophonius]

Your message was too long, I skimmed through the text but I think I get the general idea.

There are only five things I would like point out:

(1) The diagnostic of AS or other related syndromes requires specific criteria to be met, mostly during the early years. Many traits usually associated can be acquired later in life, or belong to the person even if the person does not met the conditions for an AS diagnosis. I say this because I consider the comments regarding your boyfriend having "diagnosed AS" to be stated too lightly. Please don't jump to conclusions that only a professional specifically trained in ASD can make. This convey the impression to me that your willingness to believe that he has AS is a way to make his behaviour justifiable, and to take it less personal; I advise against this.

(2) Even if we agree on the AS diagnosis, it is unfortunate that this is to a large extent, almost meaningless given the heterogeneity of this group. While some people here are "officially" in the spectrum, I don't think their experience will rightfully shed any light onto your ex-boyfriend behavior.

(3) A diagnosis might make us "understand" diagnosed people better (though I would argue that, to a large extent, it's just an almost meaningless label), it doesn't mean that anyone needs to tolerate or be put under any kind of stress because of the diagnosed person. As adults, it is the responsibility of all of us to take care of some behaviors that are needed in society, using our means available (therapy, psycho-pharmaceuticals, etc). An AS diagnosis wouldn't make his behavior excusable nor tolerable (and I insist, you shouldn't base your thinking of he having AS unless he's properly diagnosed).

(4) "Anyone have experience staying friends with AS/NT partners post breakup?" How old are you? I think it is common knowledge that after a relationship is over, friendship is not possible. At best, formal acquaintance if needed (for example, when the two involved are colleagues and need to work together). You should drop the AS/NT considerations because of what I stated in (1) and (2). Regardless of what label you put on yourselves, there's no such thing as friendship among ex-partners.

(5) It's time for you to let go. Move on. It's probably better for both of you.

 

[unperson]

sounds like you're still carrying a torch, there's some feeling there, just give it some time, keep busy, even if it's just absorbing computer games, it will keep your mind from going 'there'.

 

[kinglychee]

Trophonius Thank you so much for your response. I agree. I am fully aware ASD needs to be diagnosed by a neuropsych and I am certainly NOT qualified to do that. That's why in the content of my message, I stated undiagnosed and I listed the traits and stated that he MIGHT have AS, I am not sure and I thought I made that clear.

As for my message being "meaningless" to this group, I was just hoping to gain some insights from people who might think or feel like the way he does. That's all. I've read other posts written by NT partners seeking supports and understanding, so I thought I might give it a try to be a member here and write post about my experience.

And I absolutely agree that no diagnosis (AS or not) can excuse behaviors that are unacceptable to me.

Don't think age has anything to do with a simple question inquiring others' experience, but I do have successful friendships post break up with others.

 

[Trophonius]

In (2) I didn't mean that your message was meaningless, but that being "AS" is almost meaningless when discussing some issues like this one, since hardly any two individuals with the same diagnosis are the same, or share a considerable amount of similarities. Because of this, the experience of other people in the spectrum doesn't necessarily clarify your ex-boyfriend behavior and may provide explanations which are not the case.

You are welcome to post any messages, and many people here will be happy to help. But in the end only you know the unique characteristics of your relationship and the people involved (this is, you two), because of this I believe no opinion will be as valid as the one you already have.

I can only say that you should skip the fact of AS, whether true or not, and follow the path that you think will give you more happiness. I understand you want to be understanding of his (likely) condition, but he will have to look for this path to happiness on his own. Only when two paths, individually and not forcefully coincide, a long-lasting relationship can occur. In this case, it seems to me that one or the other will have to make major changes, which I don't think can last for much.

 

[the_tortoise]

...why he asked me to make the decision? He always told me when things don't work out for him he would end things in person immediately instead of wasting time even though it might hurt the other person,

Because the way things were between you was enough for him and it sounds like he didn’t want it to end, but saw that if you needed more than he was willing to give you might want to walk away?

The way I see it, you both made the decision by clearly stating what you wanted and were prepared to give to the other...turned out you weren’t compatible.

 

[onlything]

Thank you for the responses. Things just ended so abruptly and I don't know what to make of it. And I don't understand if things don't work out why didn't he end things but asked me to make the decision? He always told me when things don't work out for him he would end things in person immediately instead of wasting time even though it might hurt the other person, but he definitely didn't do that to me. I don't know if I should reach out and ask to be friends since it's just "bad timing"? Anyone have experience staying friends with AS/NT partners post breakup?

I just have a feeling if we stay friends we might just end up bring friends with benefits...

As it was said, it was enough for him. Also, sometimes we may have problem deciding about things. Decision means change and we often don't do change too well.