Feeling down/disrespected over Communication issues with other Aspies

[Frostee]

I have mild Aspergers. Recently, I have taken on the roll of trying to organise social events with other aspies, at an Aspergers support group that I attend.

So far, the attendance of the events have been dismal, with usually only 3 or 4 people coming to the event. When I message the group members most people don't respond.

As a person who is quite shy and social anxious, this lack of response or reciprocation is quite disheartening!

Anyway, I arranged a day trip this weekend to a major city, two other guys said they'd go. One couldn't get his train tickets booked, but seemed up for it. However, he's went on to radio silence from Monday.

I have messaged him on two separate occasions, after Monday trying to find out if he is still coming. Most recently today, where I offered to book his tickets. He read the messages, but did not respond. He also did not attend our social group this week, which I thought was odd.

The other guy is coming, we both booked our tickets yesterday. Earlier he contacted me to complain about the other guy dropping out, so he's irritated also.

Anyway, i'm not sure how to handle this other than to ignore his lack of response and turn up, wait a few minutes and leave if he doesn't arrive? I'm feeling a tad disrespected though - why can't this guy just summon up and say 'bla bla, i'm not coming because ...', you know? I would feel much better with this. Not to mention the issues of both of us having to spend £40 on train tickets for nothing?

I am also thinking of cancelling the whole day trip, and just having a lazy day. The guy who is coming doesn't participate in conversation, he just answers my question and that's it. I have no dislike towards this guy, but I can see it becoming awkward very quickly.

I don't want to hurt his feelings by cancelling, but I have a high amount of anxiety over this event! I also feel kind of odd going into a restaurant with him (we had planned to go out for lunch and dinner) - I don't want people to think i'm gay!!

I really struggle to communicate with other people with Aspergers, there are huge issues with reciprocation and getting a good response! I don't know how to deal with this!

 

[Clueless in Canada]

I can kind of see what it would be like to be you and to be this guy not responding. While not all people on the spectrum are introverted it seems many are so combine the preference for staying home with some difficulty in social skills and it sounds like that would all add up to this guy who isn't responding. My guess is that he doesn't know how to handle or explain the fact that he doesn't want to participate. I would also guess that you are trying to organise events for a group of people who don't really do that sort of thing. That's a lot of stress to put yourself through. If this guy has not indicated that he is coming then you can safely assume he is not and you don't owe him anything. As for the one guy who signed up, I think it would be fair to tell him you appreciate his interest but as this was meant to be a group event and there isn't a group, the event is cancelled.

 

[Frostee]

I can kind of see what it would be like to be you and to be this guy not responding. While not all people on the spectrum are introverted it seems many are so combine the preference for staying home with some difficulty in social skills and it sounds like that would all add up to this guy who isn't responding. My guess is that he doesn't know how to handle or explain the fact that he doesn't want to participate. I would also guess that you are trying to organise events for a group of people who don't really do that sort of thing. That's a lot of stress to put yourself through. If this guy has not indicated that he is coming then you can safely assume he is not and you don't owe him anything. As for the one guy who signed up, I think it would be fair to tell him you appreciate his interest but as this was meant to be a group event and there isn't a group, the event is cancelled.

Thanks. My issue is that he gave an indication that he wanted to go to this city, by asking about the Ticket prices and then trying to book the tickets. He also said 'I'd totally be up for that' when I first raised it.

It would now seem that he has retracted on that idea, for whatever reason. That's fine, I just would prefer a response from him.

The trip is already booked, we have each spent £40 on train tickets. So, I don't know if it'd be realistic to throw that money down the drain. What I want to know, is how to handle this trip with just him and not have it become painfully awkward.

As for the other members, I feel that there is no point in having a social group if they're not prepared to put in the effort and literally ignore my efforts to reach out to them. I would like to get them to come to my events, but it would seem that even a consideration of going to one of the events is a tall order for most of them.

I find this to be quite odd given the experience of the social group that I attend at home, which is always heavily attended when events are running. Hence me, sometimes questioning if it's me that is the issue.

 

[BraidedPony]

It’s probably going to be at least a little awkward, but what the heck. Go and have fun.
Give the guy that goes with you on the trip some feedback. Like, I’ve asked you a few questions about yourself, now you ask me some questions. Not in a way that puts pressure on him, just a nudge. He probably doesn’t know when to talk and when to listen, you know trying not to be rude.

 

[sidd851]

My overwhelming sense is to keep trying.

Perhaps because I struggle with that same corrosive loneliness.
But, I can't help but think, with some persistence and maybe some well placed flyers, that you could make a go of it.

As @LucyPurrs has said to me previously(and she would know), if you can get 5-6 regular "turn-ups", you'd have a foundation for a good social/support type group.

Perhaps you can expand your coverage by printing flyers for your group, and, asking local Healthcare providers, counselors and therapists to distribute them for whom ASD applies, and whatever else is appropriate to your desires, PDD-NOS, etcetera.

I don't think that it would be a HIPAA violation for them to do so.

Can you chime in, once again, mmm...
LucyPurrs, @SusanLR , maybe, and clarify this for me?
Mmmm...
You too, @Progster ?
Got anything for me?
@Mia ?

I was recently going to attempt the same, but I moved, and my resources have hence changed, in terms of local support for such an endeavor, I had enthusiastic support in the other county.

Maybe I'm only projecting my wish for your, and by extension my own, hopes to find a stable, larger group with which to socialize, comfortably.

Anyway, that's my gut instinct, to keep trying, plugging away.

Don't be so critical of individual member's actions--- we all get freaked out, now and again, and I submerge(Yeah, I'm a submarine!)for a while, 'til I think I can deal, again, so I try to understand/expect it in others, as well.

I wish to hear you continue to report your experiences in this, at any rate--- I feel that this info concerns me greatly, and bodes for my own success in finding/founding a group.

Thank you for a great thread!

 

[Clueless in Canada]

Thanks. My issue is that he gave an indication that he wanted to go to this city, by asking about the Ticket prices and then trying to book the tickets. He also said 'I'd totally be up for that' when I first raised it.

It would now seem that he has retracted on that idea, for whatever reason. That's fine, I just would prefer a response from him.

The trip is already booked, we have each spent £40 on train tickets. So, I don't know if it'd be realistic to throw that money down the drain. What I want to know, is how to handle this trip with just him and not have it become painfully awkward.

As for the other members, I feel that there is no point in having a social group if they're not prepared to put in the effort and literally ignore my efforts to reach out to them. I would like to get them to come to my events, but it would seem that even a consideration of going to one of the events is a tall order for most of them.

I find this to be quite odd given the experience of the social group that I attend at home, which is always heavily attended when events are running. Hence me, sometimes questioning if it's me that is the issue.

Sorry, I hadn't quite taken in that non-refundable money was spent. I suppose there are some things in life that just are awkward and a trip with this other guy might be one. But it might turn out to be fun too and with a little patience and support on your part, conversation with this guy might turn out okay. I would think that if there are lots of silences he won't even consider that awkward so perhaps you can try to just let go of worrying about awkwardness. Maybe you can enjoy silent companionship sometimes.

As for whether or not there is something wrong with you because this group isn't receiving you as well as your previous group did, I would still be inclined to put it down to a plethora of introverts. In all honesty, if I belonged to an Aspie social group, and I doubt I would actually, I would probably not want to participate in social events and I would get very stressed worrying about hurting your feelings and panic about how to respond to the invitations. I just might end up ignoring your texts essentially employing the strategy of hoping that if I ignore the problem it will go away. It's not you, it's not them it's all of you combined. Just don't exhaust yourself by trying to hammer square pegs into round holes.

 

[sidd851]

Thanks. My issue is that he gave an indication that he wanted to go to this city, by asking about the Ticket prices and then trying to book the tickets. He also said 'I'd totally be up for that' when I first raised it.

It would now seem that he has retracted on that idea, for whatever reason. That's fine, I just would prefer a response from him.

The trip is already booked, we have each spent £40 on train tickets. So, I don't know if it'd be realistic to throw that money down the drain. What I want to know, is how to handle this trip with just him and not have it become painfully awkward.

As for the other members, I feel that there is no point in having a social group if they're not prepared to put in the effort and literally ignore my efforts to reach out to them. I would like to get them to come to my events, but it would seem that even a consideration of going to one of the events is a tall order for most of them.

I find this to be quite odd given the experience of the social group that I attend at home, which is always heavily attended when events are running. Hence me, sometimes questioning if it's me that is the issue.

Thought I'd just say again, that if you can expand your base, even 2-3 regulars, and maybe 3 to six randos(why does that sound so cool from the movie, and so cold in person? )per meet, you can ask for suggestions, to get a feel for what everybody else is looking for in a group, or expecting.
I always thought that I would be relying heavily on feedback and suggestions and discussion to steer the group.

Also, is your conversation, whether onesided or not, stress-free?
Do you get on, well enough?

If so, then your concerns may be unfounded(or they may be, there could be torture, or, whatever)and as long as its not awkward, you're the cohesion of the present group, you two.
Who knows, in another week, you could have 2+ more regulars, and might turn the corner--- in which case, you may be very glad to have your acquaintance there and involved---or not.

(I sound rather one-sided, don't I?)

 

[Mia]

Anyway, i'm not sure how to handle this other than to ignore his lack of response and turn up, wait a few minutes and leave if he doesn't arrive? I'm feeling a tad disrespected though - why can't this guy just summon up and say 'bla bla, i'm not coming because ...', you know? I would feel much better with this. Not to mention the issues of both of us having to spend £40 on train tickets for nothing?

He probably is too embarrassed to say that he has changed his mind. Sometimes aspies agree to things right away almost like a reflex. Regretting it almost immediately.

Don't take it personally, as some aspies want to be agreeable and liked but later become anxious and stressed about future plans. And then hide and/or don't communicate.

 

[Fino]

You will only seem gay if you act gay.

It's unlikely people will assume you're gay simply because you're both the same gender. Friends, siblings, colleagues, etc... lots of reasons for two of the same gender to eat together.

And I'm talking from a place where half of us are gay (LA).

And I've gone out with guys in a gay way, and you could tell that waiters, strangers, etc. knew, and I've gone out with guys not in a gay way and you could tell that no one thought anything of it.

The dynamic, your body language, tone of voice, everything you do and say is perceived sub-consciously and that is what forms their conclusion. Not just gender.

So cross that one off of your list of worries!

Maybe you could bring one of those lame online conversation-starter things! Just play a bunch of conversation games like that.

Or ask a question which demands a long response then sit back and listen. "So... tell me about your life with disturbing detail, ages 10-15." Then when he's done and trying to catch his breath, you say, "Okay, now 15-20."

 

[Progster]

First of all, I really feel your frustration at people not communicating and responding to emails/texts/messages. I run a business which relies on written communication, and have the same problem. People in general (not just those on the spectrum) really, really suck at written communication - they often don't respond and leave me in a difficult situation, just as you are in now

One thing that does help is never to give a message/email a vague title such as "Hi" because that will probably be ignored. I always write the question or thing I want to communicate directly in the title, and say in the first sentence what I want, because people have really, really short attention spans. I often write URGENT in the title for time critical matters.

The second point I'd like to make is this: People on the spectrum, as we all know, often have social anxiety and communication issues, as well as sensory issues. Bearing this in mind, I would avoid venues such as restaurants or crowded public places. Perhaps have half day events, rather than full day - I would find this a bit daunting and a bit too much. I would base the meetings round activities, and not restaurants, unless you know the other members well and you know that they are ok with this setting. Arrange things well in advance, and give a schedule or plan of the day's activities, if you didn't already do so. Make sure people know what to expect (in writing this, I'm trying to think of things which would make me feel more at ease with such a situation, but I know that different people like different things). Have a list of potential activities and dates and have people sign up for them.

The third point I feel I should make is that very often, people say yes to things, and then change their mind, and they are too embarrassed or shy to come forward and say they no longer want to go, procrastinate and don't deal with it, and this could be the reason why you aren't getting responses.

I don't think that it would be a HIPAA violation for them to do so.

What's a HIPAA violation?

(Please please please could people write out acronyms in full at least once in their post for the benefit of those who may come from a different country, not have English as their native tongue, or simply not be familiar with the term?)

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Please please please could people write out acronyms in full at least once in their post for the benefit of those who may come from a different country, not have English as their native tongue, or simply not be familiar with the term?)

WSI ?

 

[Progster]

WSI ?

Erm...
Without Similar Interest?
With Some Intrepidation?
Wiggling Toads Institution?
Well, Stuff the Internet?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Erm...
Without Similar Interest?
With Some Intrepidation?
Wiggling Toads Institution?
Well, Stuff the Internet?

Why should I ?

 

[Starfire]

Why show interest?

 

[Starfire]

(Please please please could people write out acronyms in full at least once in their post for the benefit of those who may come from a different country, not have English as their native tongue, or simply not be familiar with the term?)

Well said indeed!

 

[sidd851]

What's a HIPAA violation?

Sorry.
HIPAA would be the privacy and confidentiality requirements of a Dr/Patient relationship.

HIPAA: Acronym that stands for the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, a US law designed to provide privacy standards to protect patients' medical records and other health information provided to health plans, doctors, hospitals and other health care providers.

 

[sidd851]

Well said indeed!

With such insight!

 

[Progster]

Sorry.
HIPAA would be the privacy and confidentiality requirements of a Dr/Patient relationship.

HIPAA: Acronym that stands for the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, a US law designed to provide privacy standards to protect patients' medical records and other health information provided to health plans, doctors, hospitals and other health care providers.

Thanks

It appears that the OP is in the UK, so this law won't apply there... though I'm sure the UK has an equivilent.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

has an equivilent.

similass.. or was it an acronym?

 

[Starfire]

similass.. or was it an acronym?

Some intelligent men I like always speak silly?