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Feeling connected?

DogwoodTree

Still here...
Do you ever feel "connected" with other people?

I watch other people interact with each other, and it seems so fulfilling for them...so satisfying. They really seem to enjoy it. But no matter what I do, or how I go about trying to connect with others, I don't feel what they seem to be feeling. I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel "connected."

I always thought everyone was faking it--that everyone was pretending to enjoy being with people, because that's how you're supposed to show that you care for someone. So I tried to fake it, too. And I do a pretty good job of faking it.

But based on what people are telling me now that I've discovered this AS component...they're not actually faking it. They actually do enjoy being with each other. They get some kind of emotional consummation through the interaction. I keep wanting this experience...I keep pursuing it...I keep needing it. But I never get it. I've tried to do all the right things. It just doesn't work for me.

Does this make sense to anyone else? I'm not sure if this is AS, or a deficit caused by my trauma background, or what.

It feels like I don't have love receptors. I can send it out, but I can't receive it. And I'm so lonely inside. I move around near people all day long, but it seems like they're all "out there" somewhere, and they never really see me...they don't really know me. I'm so tired of feeling alone all the time. I'm really, really tired.
 
I believe there is at least one person for everyone to connect too.

There are very few people I've ever been able to connect to on any level.
The main person is my only friend who I rarely get see or talk too because he is super workaholic type that is obsessed with getting to the top of his career.
He wonders why he can't keep a girlfriend and why people are upset at him.

Him and balance each other out quite good, but I tend to be changing him for the better though it's not intentional or purposely done.

There is a few others, one is former professor of mine who is year older than me but we've been trying to meet up for over a year but something always happens like business trips (he works for IBM), car troubles etc...

Maybe soon we will meet up.

Both know of what I've gone through the past 6 years.

When you can connect mutually with someone, it's a great thing. When you fail or can't it's equally as bad.
 
I rarely connect with people. It's like the heavens open up when I do though. It's a breath of fresh air to be understood on a soul level. This has only occurred maybe half a dozen times in my life. I try to hang on to those connections, but they seem to fade away over time.

Currently, my boyfriend and I have that connection. It is both lovely and scary to be that tied up together, as he is the only person who knows me and can actually hurt me if he chooses to do so.
 
Do you ever feel "connected" with other people?

I watch other people interact with each other, and it seems so fulfilling for them...so satisfying. They really seem to enjoy it. But no matter what I do, or how I go about trying to connect with others, I don't feel what they seem to be feeling. I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel "connected."

For me as well, that this is the face of autism. Always on the outside looking in.

Always alone. Whether surrounded by others or none at all.

"I am a rock. I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."
 
I rarely connect with people. It's like the heavens open up when I do though. It's a breath of fresh air to be understood on a soul level. This has only occurred maybe half a dozen times in my life. I try to hang on to those connections, but they seem to fade away over time.

Currently, my boyfriend and I have that connection. It is both lovely and scary to be that tied up together, as he is the only person who knows me and can actually hurt me if he chooses to do so.
I am the same. And most of the time I don't care to connect when a person is being shallow, vicious, or just wanting to gossip. Because of health limitations I am very choosy who I spend my "spoons" on!

And I agree about your significant other being able to hurt you if he chooses to. About four years ago, I got into an argument with my husband where he said something very hurtful because he was close enough to me to be able to do that. And I still get twinges of pain when I remember it, even though he apologized profusely.
 
I have never in my life had that "connection" with anyone. Oh how I long for that. My boyfriend says he loves me, but he won't take the time to learn Aspergers and that's important to me. I take the time to watch football and hockey with him and I feel like he should give me the same in return. I like antique shops, swap meets, flea markets, Swimming, but I never get to do any of them because he's not interested in those things. I don't like fishing or camping like he does, but I'm willing to accompany him in these activities because I love him and I make effort in our relationship. Relationships are not 50-50; they're 100-100 in that each one should put in 100% of themselves into that relationship. Correction to previous statement.....he did take me to water park Saturday and I truly enjoyed it except for being teased about my fear of climbing tall staircases (due to falling down a flight in childhood). I held on to the rail with both hands while we were waiting in line to slide and some dude behind me was making fun of me. Anyway, if anyone really CONNECTS to someone, KEEP them because you really don't know what you've got til it's GONE.
 
Have had close friendships in my life, and a long term one with my spouse. As a teenager I had some close girlfriends, and had a good relationship with a younger sister. Strangely, most people that I've been close to as an adult are no longer in my life, they've disappeared to various lives in the world.

Likely because I helped them in one way or another, with money or time, or served as a responsible adult in place of their lack of parents. Have adopted many strays and found them jobs, got them into school and found them places to live. Not all did well, or even lasted in regular life, many went back to drugs or risky ways of living. But I did help them experience hope of what was possible at one time or another. Some were so self-destructive and damaged that there was little that I could do, but make sure they didn't starve.

The most frustrating thing about all of that history, was that not one person ever helped me to survive. Did it all on my own, and eventually with my husband. I guess I knew from childhood that everyone is on their own, at least that's how it seems. In fact any contact with my biological family still involves them requesting I do something for them. They are continually asking for things, when they've given me nothing. More and more I refuse and cut off the little contact I have had.

As for closeness and connection I have that with my husband. He's the only close relationship I need at this point in my life. Most of the people I encounter IRL want something; my time, attention, help of some kind. It seems that there are universally people who mistake friendship as beneficial only to themselves. An aspect that I'm no longer willing to tolerate.
 
Have had close friendships in my life, and a long term one with my spouse. As a teenager I had some close girlfriends, and had a good relationship with a younger sister. Strangely, most people that I've been close to as an adult are no longer in my life, they've disappeared to various lives in the world.

Likely because I helped them in one way or another, with money or time, or served as a responsible adult in place of their lack of parents. Have adopted many strays and found them jobs, got them into school and found them places to live. Not all did well, or even lasted in regular life, many went back to drugs or risky ways of living. But I did help them experience hope of what was possible at one time or another. Some were so self-destructive and damaged that there was little that I could do, but make sure they didn't starve.

The most frustrating thing about all of that history, was that not one person ever helped me to survive. Did it all on my own, and eventually with my husband. I guess I knew from childhood that everyone is on their own, at least that's how it seems. In fact any contact with my biological family still involves them requesting I do something for them. They are continually asking for things, when they've given me nothing. More and more I refuse and cut off the little contact I have had.

As for closeness and connection I have that with my husband. He's the only close relationship I need at this point in my life. Most of the people I encounter IRL want something; my time, attention, help of some kind. It seems that there are universally people who mistake friendship as beneficial only to themselves. An aspect that I'm no longer willing to tolerate.
You're an amazing, lovely person. You are to be forever cherished. I was one of those people who was self destructive which also led me to homelessness.....I own up to my faults, mistakes in life, poor choices, not like anyone forced me to drugs. I was a willing participant in my own downfalls. BUT, my past does not define me. I have done a complete 360 in my life and gave my life over to Jesus. I'm not perfect, but determined to never look back. I'm sorry that the people you have helped took you for granted. I wish I could have had someone like you in my corner. Sincerely, Catlover614.
 
Most of the people I encounter IRL want something; my time, attention, help of some kind. It seems that there are universally people who mistake friendship as beneficial only to themselves.

This is what it feels like to me most of the time too, but my therapist has been pointing out that, perhaps, in some of these situations (though definitely not all of them), some of these outreaches are simply offers of relationship that are intended to go both ways (although that might not be your experience at all...this is just where I'm at for now).

It's just that, what "works" for the other person doesn't register on my radar as being expressions of love for me. So we've been working on trying to figure out how I uniquely might receive expressions of love. Problem is, we haven't been able to figure out much at all.

So like...my husband loves being touched. For him, a hug is an expression of love, and he feels energized and refreshed by it. For me though, a hug is uncomfortable at best. It takes out of me, rather than putting in. So when he would offer me a hug as an expression of love, I experienced it as him trying to "take" from me, even though I would tell myself, "this is what love looks like." So I got to where I didn't want to be loved, because expressions of NT love were so uncomfortable.

I've had a really hard time identifying methods of love expression that haven't been tainted by abuse, emotional manipulation, or my own sensory sensitivities. It's like I simply don't have "love receptors." There are things my husband can do that help me feel safer, and more stable and supported. But I don't experience those things as "love."

At this point, I'm not sure at all what love feels like. My acupuncturist suggested I try meditation, and focus on love in order to find peace and balance. I asked, how can I focus on love if I don't know what it feels like?

As for closeness and connection I have that with my husband.

What does that look like for you? How do you feel close and connected with him? What are some things he does that help you feel like he "gets" you?
 
BUT, my past does not define me. I have done a complete 360 in my life and gave my life over to Jesus. I'm not perfect, but determined to never look back. I'm sorry that the people you have helped took you for granted. I wish I could have had someone like you in my corner. Sincerely, Catlover614.

I'm glad for you, I don't regret helping anyone. Sounds as if you are strong and capable, and that's what matters. As for the many people I helped, I did get something back in return by doing what I felt was right. It was not something I expected, when you help someone they can't be beholden to you for the rest of their lives. They have to move on, and create a life of their own. Most of the people I helped with money or food or shelter went on to do the same thing for others when their lives became stable.
 
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What does that look like for you? How do you feel close and connected with him? What are some things he does that help you feel like he "gets" you?

When we hold hands during a walk, or he brings coffee to me everyday, for my entire adult life. So many little things, he's an Aspie and I'm an Aspie so it might be different with an NT. I don't like much in the way of physical contact, but holding hands and hugs and kissing are something we exchange that I like, and the physical contact is mutual. If it weren't I would refuse. I know it comforts him but it also comforts me.

In fact I would probably cuddle with him more, if I thought he would like it, but I know he doesn't. There are times where I do feel that he's 'taking' something from me, when he tries to comfort me when I'm angry or sad. But only during those times, because I want to be left alone and not touched. I know he wants to do something when I'm sad or hurting but he doesn't know what to do. I don't either. He wants to fix it somehow, but it's not something another person can repair, seems as if living might do that, but then again it might not. Maybe the memories fade a little and that's all.

Private jokes that no understands but us, make me feel close to him. Eating with him, when he comes to join me in the living room while watching something, as he normally eats only at the dining room table. Things he does for me, I just went downstairs a moment ago and he had fixed my bike bag and attached it to the back of my bike. I didn't ask him to do this, he just went ahead, and most of the time his well-meaning gestures make me feel close to him. Some of the ways I feel close to him are everyday gestures and discussions, even logical arguments. When he makes allowances for my sensory disorder to noise for example, by keeping things quiet late at night.
 
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And I agree about your significant other being able to hurt you if he chooses to. About four years ago, I got into an argument with my husband where he said something very hurtful because he was close enough to me to be able to do that. And I still get twinges of pain when I remember it, even though he apologized profusely.

Some words can't be taken back. I always worry my SO will say something that I may forgive, but will never forget. He's not typically that way, but when he's drinking, I just don't know ...
 
I do often alone in the world, in a way like a lone wolf. Then again with the exception of my step sister, her husband and their daughter plus my girlfriend I am alone.
 
I've actually been thinking of this issue quite a bit lately, thanks for this post DogwoodTree

I have no idea how to connect with others and I too sincerely doubted that the connections I witnessed in others was genuine. My mind is such a very active place, I see so much that others miss and so many things have importance to this weird little coding system I have to make sense of my world, that is has become quite difficult to communicate about the things I find mundane. Sometimes it feels like I am permanently the "only adult in the room". I have an inordinately difficult time pretending or being able to let inaccurate information just sit there unchecked which is not always welcomed. My intensity and passions have had a tendency to make me something more of a novelty than a whole being with all of the ups and downs that comes with.

I take loyalty very seriously with the few souls I have connected with and I am trying to be a little more brave about continuing to seek that connection. Isolation sucks and I have done far too much of it these last 10 years for fear of more trauma, more mistakes and more forced separation.
 
It depends on how overwhelmed in my life I am.

When in a shutdown, people become blurry columns which I see from the shoulders down, which I try to avoid when I am in motion running errands.

When I am doing pretty well, perceptive and calm, I sense the feelings of others VERY easily. It's part of my amplified sensory sensitivities. (Empathy galore)

In general, I am in my own world (autistic Inner World state) most of the time, to one degree or another.
I also give myself a free pass, meaning, I understand that I am simply not wired to connect easily. A connection takes some work on the other person's part, as well as my own.

Another factor is that I will put the requisite effort in to connect to the best of my ability when the other person accepts me for who I am. I sense this.
 
I sense the feelings of others VERY easily. It's part of my amplified sensory sensitivities. (Empathy galore)

I find this is one of the most difficult aspects of AS to explain to people. They think aspies lack empathy, but really, I'm hyper-sensitive to people's feelings (hyper-empathy) and body language (some of it anyway...especially any behavior that could pose a threat). I think I learned this out of necessity because of the family environment I grew up in. I have a really hard time identifying my own emotions because everyone else's emotions are so overwhelming.

Do you get swamped emotionally when you read about other people's tragedies or suffering? That story about the family who lost their little boy in the alligator attack...I can hardly even type the words because I feel so badly for all of them.

I wonder if part of my problem in feeling so lonely is that I can't figure out how to be in touch with my inner world/emotions at the same time I'm aware of and interactive with the outer world and other people. I'm either cut off from my inner world and mired in managing outer world stimuli, or I'm cut off from the outer world and holed up inside.
 
Yes, my heart breaks with others' tragic stories or animal abuse photos, which are simply too much for a sensitive soul like me.

If it is any comfort to you as you wonder about and seek connection, remember that we are all in this together.

A favorite Buddhist saying: "We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." :sunflower:

:)
 
When I am doing pretty well, perceptive and calm, I sense the feelings of others VERY easily. It's part of my amplified sensory sensitivities. (Empathy galore)

I do as well Warmheart, probably why I avoid many, many social situations now. Read my husband so often, I become tense or upset even before he recognizes that he is. Have to stop doing this, it's as if my own personality disappears and it can be so overwhelming. Wish that I could turn it off now, or somehow prevent myself from picking up these kinds of broadcasts.

Recall talking to my therapist of the time about it, she didn't believe that I could do such a thing. Recounted the last three visits and her state of mind during each one, some of the reactions she had to things we talked about. Even mentioned that I knew that she'd been ill and a few personal things that I picked up on. She never spoke about anything related to her personal life. In all those hours I spent in her company I learned quite a bit about her. She was quite shocked, but did say at the time that if I spent all those years in therapy with her protecting myself, then what had I accomplished in therapy? There were definitely some things that improved, that I became aware of. Yet there might have been more, if I hadn't been so guarded.
 
Read my husband so often, I become tense or upset even before he recognizes that he is.

I do this...it's really bad. I've brought it up with both my husband and my therapist, so I'm working on it. But it's impossible to not-see, you know?

Recounted the last three visits and her state of mind during each one, some of the reactions she had to things we talked about.

Yep, I do this, too. I can pick up on how attentive my therapist is each time I'm there, or if he's distracted or bored or tired or interested. I think that's one reason why I prefer a male therapist, though--he's not so emotionally complicated or reactive as women typically are.

if I spent all those years in therapy with her protecting myself, then what had I accomplished in therapy?

Even though I'm aware that I do this, I really don't know how to stop. I desperately want to make good use of the therapy time--it's expensive, and I want to get better so I don't need it anymore. But no one has yet told me the how of letting down my guard, at least, not in a way that I can actually carry out (despite faithfully trying).
 

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