Feel like I'm paying for past misdeeds

[ftfipps]

Hello everyone. I decided to get on here and try to succor some of the pain I deal with on a daily basis. PLEASE if any of this sounds like your thought process let me know. If you have some of the same issues please let me know. Sometimes I get on here and I gotta be honest, I think I get too real for some people. I even feel like I have been boycotted by some users on this site...they don't comment on my posts anymore when I started expressing my true feelings and not holding back.

Firstly, I hate my direct next door neighbors...They have been giving me guff passively in the form of spreading lies about me like telling people I'm retarded and stuff like that!! (And before I get the usual, I don't know of anyone ever doing that, well THEY DO.) I thought people were a little better than that but I was wrong. I call them the Flintstones. I would give my left arm to move...anywhere, or they move. I would die a happy man If those idiots moved away. They stand out on their front lawn and drink cheap beer one night a week like trash. They have made me a pariah in my OWN neighborhood. Everybody loves those morons. They have company all the time. That good ol' boy routine just infuriates me does that make sense to anybody?? People just eat out of those guys hands while I sit in my room alone with no friends and I'm the nicest, most loyal guy I've ever known.

Secondly, I need to go back to school. I have no money. I don't even have a car. Mine broke down almost a year ago. I don't feel like working minimum wage jobs that are fathoms below me just to "work my way through"college. Not at all.

I need a job that I can get to by bus. I need friends. I only have one person I talk to and I am basically just talking to her because she gets prescribed good stuff. I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't feel like I'm using her...She takes like 7 benzos a day and then complains when she can only take 5 a day because she gave me 2. She just lays around high on drugs all day.

I'm in a funk. I have no job. I have no life....period....I'm just existing.

 

[Bolletje]

If your choice is between a bad job and no job, I would grab that bad job with both hands. What alternative do you have at the moment? Pride is a good thing, but you shouldn’t let it be your downfall.

I worked my way out of my depression and back into med school one crappy underpaid job after another, but at least it provided me with money to take care of myself, pay off my debts, pay my tuition and get my degree.

 

[ftfipps]

@Bolletje, thank you for your wisdom. I will start applying for some jobs.

 

[ftfipps]

To all you folks at home, I may seem like I am being harsh on the chaps that live next door to me. That first paragraph was a full blown rant, but Imagine if One group of people...ruined...your reputation throughout your entire neighborhood....Could you imagine that happening? That happened to me. My neighborhood now thinks I'm a feeble minded person. I don't like to be seen...in my own neighborhood...it's bad! It's like a bad dream.

 

[Thinx]

This sounds tough for you, but what if you can show them you are not feeble minded by doing stuff, such as doing what u can not to be shutting it all out using other people's meds and instead trying some small steps to make progress? Is there any kind of job club or work applications support you can access? Or a group to support you with how you are feeling? I hope you can find some small steps to make progress, and use this forum to get support.

 

[Chance]

ftfipps,

We all get in funks... I get in some bad ones, so KNOW your never alone...

At my house in town, some aryan/skinhead/redneck types have moved in to the house closest to mine... They are creepy, loud, trashy, mean acting... but I can tell just by how that are, they wont last long...
I just smile, never say a word, and know they are nothing like me, so I will be NOTHING LIKE THEM.

IF YOU HATE... IT EATS YOU UP, and that will never fix the problem... Yes they suck and they bug you, but maybe you need to PROVE them WRONG... BECOME SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT...

ANY JOB is better than NO JOB... (even a part time one that can get you up and moving). You cant restart LIFE with a 6 figure income, unless you have some hidden magic trick somewhere in you...

IF you lay around with a person high on drugs... What will you become???

We become what surrounds us UNLESS we do something to change it...

I'm a very logical guy. I have an ignorant family that has never wanted me, but I never have wanted to be like them... I mostly never see them, at least for long periods. I even make it my priority to not sit around their toxic poison that spews from them...

UNTIL you decide your scrappy situation is worse than the effort it takes to overcome it... You will stay there and wallow in it... All it takes is a decision that "THIS IS STUPID... I GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE." and then get up get a job (any job) and start rebuilding your LIFE...

"Existing" is for the living dead... Dude you have greatness buried in you somewhere (we all do), you just need to find it and laying around taking Benzos is no way to do that...

LIFE is hard, it sucks sometimes, but to just lay down and give up... that's a dark path...
I hope you find a way back to LIFE soon! : )

 

[Tom]

'Not holding back' might be part of the problem. There are reasons for being polite, tactful, diplomatic, etc.

 

[Mary Anne]

If your choice is between a bad job and no job, I would grab that bad job with both hands. What alternative do you have at the moment? Pride is a good thing, but you shouldn’t let it be your downfall.

I worked my way out of my depression and back into med school one crappy underpaid job after another, but at least it provided me with money to take care of myself, pay off my debts, pay my tuition and get my degree.

I feel that you ARE using your”friend.”

Hello everyone. I decided to get on here and try to succor some of the pain I deal with on a daily basis. PLEASE if any of this sounds like your thought process let me know. If you have some of the same issues please let me know. Sometimes I get on here and I gotta be honest, I think I get too real for some people. I even feel like I have been boycotted by some users on this site...they don't comment on my posts anymore when I started expressing my true feelings and not holding back.

Firstly, I hate my direct next door neighbors...They have been giving me guff passively in the form of spreading lies about me like telling people I'm retarded and stuff like that!! (And before I get the usual, I don't know of anyone ever doing that, well THEY DO.) I thought people were a little better than that but I was wrong. I call them the Flintstones. I would give my left arm to move...anywhere, or they move. I would die a happy man If those idiots moved away. They stand out on their front lawn and drink cheap beer one night a week like trash. They have made me a pariah in my OWN neighborhood. Everybody loves those morons. They have company all the time. That good ol' boy routine just infuriates me does that make sense to anybody?? People just eat out of those guys hands while I sit in my room alone with no friends and I'm the nicest, most loyal guy I've ever known.

Secondly, I need to go back to school. I have no money. I don't even have a car. Mine broke down almost a year ago. I don't feel like working minimum wage jobs that are fathoms below me just to "work my way through"college. Not at all.

I need a job that I can get to by bus. I need friends. I only have one person I talk to and I am basically just talking to her because she gets prescribed good stuff. I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't feel like I'm using her...She takes like 7 benzos a day and then complains when she can only take 5 a day because she gave me 2. She just lays around high on drugs all day.

I'm in a funk. I have no job. I have no life....period....I'm just existing.

Excuse me, but You ARE using this women to get her drugs. Shame on you. You know it, and are trying to make excuses. This is not seeing your character in a good light.

Furthermore, are you aware that the world is filled with millions of people working crappy low wage jobs in order to fulfill their goals and or dreams? What makes you so special that you expect to do things differently?

Sorry, but I am going to be honest and tell you that your negative thinking is messing up your life. Think negative and negativity will follow you. Why would people flock to you to be “friends” when there is such abusing of others, and of all your complaining? People can make friends, when they treat others as they want to be treated, and there is respect, and kindness. One can make friends at work, school, and in life by being more accepting.

Hang out with alcoholics or drug abusers is not the way to make friends. So I am not endorsing that. If you worked, you could at least stay away from your neighbors and stop taking those pills from that girl. Sounds like you have a lack of willpower - why take these pills anyways? I am an ex addict, so I do not have sympathy for you.

 

[Mattymatt]

Hello everyone. I decided to get on here and try to succor some of the pain I deal with on a daily basis. PLEASE if any of this sounds like your thought process let me know. If you have some of the same issues please let me know. Sometimes I get on here and I gotta be honest, I think I get too real for some people. I even feel like I have been boycotted by some users on this site...they don't comment on my posts anymore when I started expressing my true feelings and not holding back.

Firstly, I hate my direct next door neighbors...They have been giving me guff passively in the form of spreading lies about me like telling people I'm retarded and stuff like that!! (And before I get the usual, I don't know of anyone ever doing that, well THEY DO.) I thought people were a little better than that but I was wrong. I call them the Flintstones. I would give my left arm to move...anywhere, or they move. I would die a happy man If those idiots moved away. They stand out on their front lawn and drink cheap beer one night a week like trash. They have made me a pariah in my OWN neighborhood. Everybody loves those morons. They have company all the time. That good ol' boy routine just infuriates me does that make sense to anybody?? People just eat out of those guys hands while I sit in my room alone with no friends and I'm the nicest, most loyal guy I've ever known.

Secondly, I need to go back to school. I have no money. I don't even have a car. Mine broke down almost a year ago. I don't feel like working crappy, minimum wage jobs that are fathoms below me just to "work my way through"college. Not at all.

I need a job that I can get to by bus. I need friends. I only have one person I talk to and I am basically just talking to her because she gets prescribed good stuff. I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't feel like I'm using her...She takes like 7 benzos a day and then complains when she can only take 5 a day because she gave me 2. She just lays around high on drugs all day.

I'm in a funk. I have no job. I have no life....period....I'm just existing.

Sometimes we're in tough situations where we have no choice but to work a menial, underpaid job. I am in just that very position now. Yes, it is demoralizing and can feel despondent but sometimes just the act of working alone can begin to lighten the depression. There is something to be said for doing a job and doing it well. I have been on disability now for almost 3.5 years so I have effectively aged out of Information Technology. Therefore, I am getting loans to go back to school to become an Automotive Technician. I am having difficulty getting hired at all right now, even security jobs. It used to be really easy for me to pick up a security guard gig here or there to get through the lean times. I am so desperate for work that I am turning to the local movie theater for part time work. Hey, at least I'll get free popcorn and free movies. That's a perk in of itself. The bottom line is: try and get yourself working, even a rotten job, because it is easier to get better work once you're actually working.

 

[Mattymatt]

I feel that you ARE using your”friend.”


Excuse me, but You ARE using this women to get her drugs. Shame on you. You know it, and are trying to make excuses. This is not seeing your character in a good light.

Furthermore, are you aware that the world is filled with millions of people working poor low wage jobs in order to fulfill their goals and or dreams? What makes you so special that you expect to do things differently?

Sorry, but I am going to be honest and tell you that your negative thinking is messing up your life. Think negative and negativity will follow you. Why would people flock to you to be “friends” when there is such abusing of others, and of all your complaining? People can make friends, when they treat others as they want to be treated, and there is respect, and kindness. One can make friends at work, school, and in life by being more accepting.

Hang out with alcoholics or drug abusers is not the way to make friends. So I am not endorsing that. If you worked, you could at least stay away from your neighbors and stop taking those pills from that girl. Sounds like you have a lack of willpower - why take these pills anyways? I am an ex addict, so I do not have sympathy for you.

I am sorry but I fail to see how your passing judgement on the OP is going to make things any better all around. Clearly he is in miserable state and is admitting to such. Rather than being blunt, I believe some compassion is in order. You certainly don't have to be sympathetic, but to lambast him is not the way to go either. Let's use some compassion to get encourage him to put his life on the right track.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Mary Anne]

I am sorry but I fail to see how your passing judgement on the OP is going to make things any better all around. Clearly he is in miserable state and is admitting to such. Rather than being blunt, I believe some compassion is in order. You certainly don't have to be sympathetic, but to lambast him is not the way to go either. Let's use some compassion to get encourage him to put his life on the right track.

Sorry, but I am being a realist this morning. He clearly know what he is spouting is doggy doo doo. I usually show loads of empathy and compassion to people in these threads. Sometimes people needs a dose in-your-face with no mincing of words.

 

[Mary Anne]

Sometimes we're in tough situations where we have no choice but to work a menial, underpaid job. I am in just that very position now. Yes, it is demoralizing and can feel despondent but sometimes just the act of working alone can begin to lighten the depression. There is something to be said for doing a job and doing it well. I have been on disability now for almost 3.5 years so I have effectively aged out of Information Technology. Therefore, I am getting loans to go back to school to become an Automotive Technician. I am having difficulty getting hired at all right now, even security jobs. It used to be really easy for me to pick up a security guard gig here or there to get through the lean times. I am so desperate for work that I am turning to the local movie theater for part time work. Hey, at least I'll get free popcorn and free movies. That's a perk in of itself. The bottom line is: try and get yourself working, even a rotten job, because it is easier to get better work once you're actually working.

Wonderfully spoken, Mattymatt. Yes, I too recently was intensively job hunting. It’s astounding the experience one needs even for the most low wage jobs these days! I see on the job sites like indeed and Glassdoor that even custodial jobs want you to have years of experience. C’mon! Or, to work at a big box store, they want you to have 2 years of customer service. Crazy.

I remember back in the 1990, I had not worked in years. I then volunteered at a nature preserve for 4 years, and I was able to put that on a resume. I slowly built the resume to what it is today. One has got to do whatever it takes to pay the bills, have no gaps, and keep on working. It’s gotten evermore difficult due to the intense competition.

I even once applied to a Pet waste removal company (scraping up dog poo from yards). I did not even get a call back. The competition for jobs is really intense!

 

[Mattymatt]

Sorry, but I am being a realist this morning. He clearly know what he is spouting is doggy doo doo. I usually show loads of empathy and compassion to people in these threads. Sometimes people needs a dose in-your-face with no mincing of words.

Thank you for taking my comment in a positive light. I was trying not to come off as being too critical and you took it exactly the way I intended.

 

[ftfipps]

This sounds tough for you, but what if you can show them you are not feeble minded by doing stuff, such as doing what u can not to be shutting it all out using other people's meds and instead trying some small steps to make progress? Is there any kind of job club or work applications support you can access? Or a group to support you with how you are feeling? I hope you can find some small steps to make progress, and use this forum to get support.

Thank you so much, man. I need to stay positive and be proactive by finding out what steps I should make.

 

[ftfipps]

ftfipps,

We all get in funks... I get in some bad ones, so KNOW your never alone...

At my house in town, some aryan/skinhead/redneck types have moved in to the house closest to mine... They are creepy, loud, trashy, mean acting... but I can tell just by how that are, they wont last long...
I just smile, never say a word, and know they are nothing like me, so I will be NOTHING LIKE THEM.

IF YOU HATE... IT EATS YOU UP, and that will never fix the problem... Yes they suck and they bug you, but maybe you need to PROVE them WRONG... BECOME SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT...

ANY JOB is better than NO JOB... (even a part time one that can get you up and moving). You cant restart LIFE with a 6 figure income, unless you have some hidden magic trick somewhere in you...

IF you lay around with a person high on drugs... What will you become???

We become what surrounds us UNLESS we do something to change it...

I'm a very logical guy. I have an ignorant family that has never wanted me, but I never have wanted to be like them... I mostly never see them, at least for long periods. I even make it my priority to not sit around their toxic poison that spews from them...

UNTIL you decide your scrappy situation is worse than the effort it takes to overcome it... You will stay there and wallow in it... All it takes is a decision that "THIS IS STUPID... I GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE." and then get up get a job (any job) and start rebuilding your LIFE...

"Existing" is for the living dead... Dude you have greatness buried in you somewhere (we all do), you just need to find it and laying around taking Benzos is no way to do that...

LIFE is hard, it sucks sometimes, but to just lay down and give up... that's a dark path...
I hope you find a way back to LIFE soon! : )

Hey, man. You are very dear to me. Now that that's out of the way, you are right about hate consuming you. I've got to rise up. By now I should expect to fail and struggle sometimes.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hey, man. You are very dear to me. Now that that's out of the way, you are right about hate consuming you. I've got to rise up. By now I should expect to fail and struggle sometimes.

Keep on being yourself.

That's what this place is about.

I find if you let it out it's easier to change it.

 

[ftfipps]

I feel that you ARE using your”friend.”


Excuse me, but You ARE using this women to get her drugs. Shame on you. You know it, and are trying to make excuses. This is not seeing your character in a good light.

Furthermore, are you aware that the world is filled with millions of people working crappy low wage jobs in order to fulfill their goals and or dreams? What makes you so special that you expect to do things differently?

Sorry, but I am going to be honest and tell you that your negative thinking is messing up your life. Think negative and negativity will follow you. Why would people flock to you to be “friends” when there is such abusing of others, and of all your complaining? People can make friends, when they treat others as they want to be treated, and there is respect, and kindness. One can make friends at work, school, and in life by being more accepting.

Hang out with alcoholics or drug abusers is not the way to make friends. So I am not endorsing that. If you worked, you could at least stay away from your neighbors and stop taking those pills from that girl. Sounds like you have a lack of willpower - why take these pills anyways? I am an ex addict, so I do not have sympathy for you.

Mary Anne, I absolutely deserve that. My negative thinking is ABSOLUTELY messing up my life. I'm working on getting a job. Negativity and other emotional problems are the root of my problem It seems. I get it and I will work on it.

 

[Nervous Rex]

If your choice is between a bad job and no job, I would grab that bad job with both hands.

"Ride the cow. Look for the horse."

Use what you have and look for something better.

 

[ftfipps]

'Not holding back' might be part of the problem. There are reasons for being polite, tactful, diplomatic, etc.

I understand that you must have some degree of openness and compassion towards others when interacting with them. The degree of openness Is still in the trouble-shooting stage for me.