Feedback on college homework

[ksheehan88]

I had to write about a surprise that I or someone else got. It didn't have to be real, it could be imaginary which is what I went with. It needed to have plenty of literary devices (alliteration, personification, similes, metaphors, assonance, imagery, juxtaposition etc) be written in first person and the present tense, with good use of sentence structures. Would anyone care to give it a read and give me some constructive feedback? Please remember that I am English so some spelling may be different because of that!

I have attached the file, but if anyone has issues opening it I shall copy and paste it to a comment.

 

[tree]

I can open it and I did open it.
I want to read it, but it is very difficult
for me because the text takes up such
a wide area. I am doing it.

Is it at all constructive to note that using the
word "orifice" amused me? This is more a comment
on my own image making than anything else.
I believe you mean eyes and nose, but 'naturally'
my literal mind took the word "orifice" and applied
the idea below the waist, as well. LOL

This sentence, I think you could go a little farther with
the image of the skin rippling.
"My insides writhe like angry snakes and my skin ripples"

The piece reads as if it were a dream you have had.
The appeals to the senses include sight and smell.
You could increase the effect of the whole work, I think,
by enhancing the sensory aspects. That is, how things
felt to you, or sounded. Like the blood "whooshing"....
and the touch/smell/taste etc. A couple adverbs,
not over-done, but enough to allow the reader to
be in the picture.

Good job over all.

 

[ksheehan88]

I can open it and I did open it.
I want to read it, but it is very difficult
for me because the text takes up such
a wide area. I am doing it.

Is it at all constructive to note that using the
word "orifice" amused me? This is more a comment
on my own image making than anything else.
I believe you mean eyes and nose, but 'naturally'
my literal mind took the word "orifice" and applied
the idea below the waist, as well. LOL

This sentence, I think you could go a little farther with
the image of the skin rippling.
"My insides writhe like angry snakes and my skin ripples"

The piece reads as if it were a dream you have had.
The appeals to the senses include sight and smell.
You could increase the effect of the whole work, I think,
by enhancing the sensory aspects. That is, how things
felt to you, or sounded. Like the blood "whooshing"....
and the touch/smell/taste etc. A couple adverbs,
not over-done, but enough to allow the reader to
be in the picture.

Good job over all.

Thankyou Tree

Yes, it seems to have changed font somehow? Weird.

 

[OkRad]

Yikes! Pretty descriptive there, kshee! Did not expect THAT! Is this TBC?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thankyou Tree

Yes, it seems to have changed font somehow? Weird.

I read orifice with similar reaction.

I like the likes ie similes. Are there as many metaphors?

One was like a mountain. That may be a rare cliche amongst it.

Like the end and i am imagining the teacher reading it out

Not sure i noticed alliteration on 1st read.

Assonance as in educating rita 'getting the rhyme wrong' , didnt notice

Tree has made the snakes come alive.

Chemical stench. 'Whatever it is,it invades'.....

Maybe change the quote to follow with an assonant or alliterative metaphor based on chemical stench sentence.

But no criticism,just a couple of quick observations as asked for

 

[ksheehan88]

Yikes! Pretty descriptive there, kshee! Did not expect THAT! Is this TBC?

Afraid not, it was just this short piece that I had to do! I may go back to it at a later date for fun, but right now its just a homework assignment

 

[ksheehan88]

I read orifice with similar reaction.

I like the likes ie similes. Are there as many metaphors?

One was like a mountain. That may be a rare cliche amongst it.

Like the end and i am imagining the teacher reading it out

Not sure i noticed alliteration on 1st read.

Assonance as in educating rita 'getting the rhyme wrong' , didnt notice

Tree has made the snakes come alive.

Chemical stench. 'Whatever it is,it invades'.....

Maybe change the quote to follow with an assonant or alliterative metaphor based on chemical stench sentence.

But no criticism,just a couple of quick observations as asked for

Thankyou Fridgemagnetman

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thankyou Fridgemagnetman

I also remember you were signing up to do maths......

 

[ksheehan88]

I also remember you were signing up to do maths......

I was! Maths is going better than expected actually, I'm quite pleased so far.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I was! Maths is going better than expected actually, I'm quite pleased so far.

I was hoping you were struggling so i could help

Kidding! Dont ask

Glad its going well.

 

[wight]

It is a bit overwrought with "-ing" and "-ly" words. Perhaps intentional? Present tense, first person, doesn't mean there needs to be an "I/my/mine" in each sentence. You have mixed in some past tenses, purely by accident, I think. It's difficult to write in present tense.

Check your possessives (e.g. lighting the candles ... candles needs to be candle's) As always double check your its/it's use.

For creative writing in college, I found it useful to split the sentences to individual lines, evaluate and edit them individually (easy to do on a computer) and then bring the entire thing back together and look for consistency, flow, pacing, grammar, etc.

By example of what I mean, consider your original sentence:

There were no lights to speak of but the moon kindly lends me some of its glow through the filthy window to my left, just enough for me to find my way to a candle sat atop its silver castle.

and this version:

There are no lights, attempts at the switch prove foolish. The moon massages enough of its glow through the filthy window to the left to find my way to a candle atop it's silver tower.

To be fair, I have a different writing style and voice than you, so maybe my critiques are misplaced.

 

[ksheehan88]

It is a bit overwrought with "-ing" and "-ly" words. Perhaps intentional? Present tense, first person, doesn't mean there needs to be an "I/my/mine" in each sentence. You have mixed in some past tenses, purely by accident, I think. It's difficult to write in present tense.

Check your possessives (e.g. lighting the candles ... candles needs to be candle's) As always double check your its/it's use.

For creative writing in college, I found it useful to split the sentences to individual lines, evaluate and edit them individually (easy to do on a computer) and then bring the entire thing back together and look for consistency, flow, pacing, grammar, etc.

By example of what I mean, consider your original sentence:


and this version:


To be fair, I have a different writing style and voice than you, so maybe my critiques are misplaced.

That is helpful, thank you Wight

 

[ksheehan88]

Well, all the advice was helpful in the end, thank you! I had the piece marked and she gave me a level 8 (or an A* to those of you who aren't acquainted with the new GCSE marking system) She thinks I could easily get a level 9 (A**) in my exam, so I am very pleased

 

[Bolletje]

Nice! congrats