fears of 'not being autistic enough'

[ThatBoyMiles]

I have had a fear lately despite getting a diagnosis, so I thought I'd post it here to see what you guys think. As my diagnosis is fairly recent I have no idea what to think and I've been finding it difficult to research.

Everything I've read seems to suggest that I should be quieter and more emotionally closed off. And yet I go out there every day and manage just fine, even if I am 'too much', or a bit of an acquired taste. With my fiance I fear that I'm doing things wrong, and I misunderstand things and emotions a lot. But always in the back of my mind is this fear that I don't deserve this diagnosis or that I got the wrong one. So I want to shut down this insecurity once and for all.

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years as of last week. He proposed for our 5th anniversary together. We first met through pokemon when I was trying to put together a friend group of everyone currently playing the newly-released pokemon X and Y which was my obsession at the time.

He became my one single-minded obsession, and on many levels still is.

Although I have a diagnosis for autism, I'm prone to expressing bouts of intense emotion and people often find me to be 'too much'. My Fiance often calls me out on being far too touchy, just wanting to be too close to him and touching him all the time as it makes me feel secure. In the past I've been prone to bouts being extremely jealous and controlling, but I'm hoping I've gotten past that now. I struggle to engage with the things he likes and I don't, but I try really hard to talk to him about them all the same. There are times when I'll indulge in a new obsession when I'll barely talk to him, and simply sit on my computer and forget that we're supposed to be spending quality time.

But I still love him and I'm very happy with him.

When I lead my young writers group it's a performance, my persona there is bombastic and over-the-top. Likewise, with my jobs in customer service, I'm overly exciteable and love meeting new people and telling them about the things I do. It's the same with him.

I often worry that I'm being too much work for him, and recently I've been feeling particularly burnt out emotionally, sometimes too much to really feel anything. But I'm coping; even though my head is just this tangled mess of fears relating to me and him and myself. I don't really have anything or anyone to compare myself to. My mum spent my life training me to hide it, building me into what she thought was the perfect child.

So I guess my question is; is this normal? Is there such a thing as being too much? Is anyone else like this too? Did they give me the wrong diagnosis?

 

[tree]

Some threads related to this thread's title:

"Half-Wondering" (Am I Really An Aspie?)
Am I really an Aspie if.......
Is it possible to be autistic, and score very highly on face-voice emotion reading tests?

 

[Onna]

It’s difficult to analyse, what with not being a professional. Is it possible you could speak to a therapist?
What I do know for sure is that not everyone with autism presents the same, you do get extrovert autistics. And autistic people can also experience a lot of emotion (myself included). You can also have other conditions along with autism.
A lot of what you share presents as autism. But the jealousy and controlling I’m not too sure about. It’s definitely something you’ll want to feel confident about controlling though, because it can cause real trouble in a relationship. My ex was controlling and jealous, I sometimes wondered if he was autistic, or if it was something else. In the end there were just too much emotional discomfort to continue with that relationship.
But I’m thinking the fact that you’re on here and asking questions, shows you’re at least self aware, and when you’re self aware you’re half way to figuring out solutions.

 

[Progster]

I think it's quite common to feel this way, both before and after diagnosis, because we tend to over-think and analyse things. I had doubts too, and still do, but for the opposite reason- because I am too quiet and don't talk much - ASD/Asperger's is more apparent in people who talk a lot.

 

[Mr Allen]

If you've managed to be together for 5 years you've done well I reckon.

Any plans to tie the knot yet?

 

[DystopianDream]

No two Aspies are alike. One might be closed off emotionally, another might be the opposite. It's not a one-size-fits-all thing, just remember that.

 

[Fino]

Don't worry about fitting into some label, Autism is already a label given for people not fitting into another label!

Some of your behavior reminds me of myself, and I have ADHD and BPD. Not that you do, you didn't say nearly enough to suggest anything else specifically, I'm just giving an example of the co-occurring possibilities.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I worry about that sometimes, too. I've been told that I'm about as high-functioning as you can get and still be diagnosable. I don't have some of the anxieties I read about here. So sometimes I wonder if I'm "not autistic enough" for this forum. Yes, a whole lot of people here have it worse off than me.

And yet, I relate to so much that is said here. I feel more empathy for people here than I do elsewhere, because I understand what they're going through, even if the severity is different. So, I'm staying.

 

[Autistamatic]

Spend some time on this forum and you'll soon see that whilst we have many characteristics that a significant number of us share, there is as much variety between autistic people as between NT people.
They call it neurodiversity, not neuroprofiling

 

[sidd851]

I worry about that sometimes, too. I've been told that I'm about as high-functioning as you can get and still be diagnosable. I don't have some of the anxieties I read about here. So sometimes I wonder if I'm "not autistic enough" for this forum. Yes, a whole lot of people here have it worse off than me.

And yet, I relate to so much that is said here. I feel more empathy for people here than I do elsewhere, because I understand what they're going through, even if the severity is different. So, I'm staying.

I'm not so sure, at least in my case, that "high functioning" equates to "having it better" than others here.
I also, it seems to me, am very high functioning.
I am very careful, when "testing", or answering questions, to attempt not to present any bias, or, as little as I am capable of(talk about "baking your noodle").
It is so incredibly difficult, though, to disregard, or "put aside" my mask; it seems to be as deeply seated, or ingrained as any survival instinct--- indeed, it probably is one, for all intents and purposes.
It occurs to me, that even though I have become very good at masking(I'll bet I could pass as NT to all but the most observant and studied of experts, if I tried), it is by letting my extra-over-hyper-active brain run wild on the "interface quandary", and the cost can be devastating exhaustion.
At times, it seems as though I am able to let these complex algorithms "run in the background", but it is not without the cost that doing the same consciously would exact.
I'm beginning to see the dramatic mental difference between waking and sleeping that even light social interaction causes.
("Light". The variability there is almost laughable. Some humans are so draining, that even cursory contact is enough to do me in, for the rest of the day.)
When I analyze this, I'm left with the idea that I really have it no better or worse than anyone else on the spectrum--- the "benefits" of masking to this perceived degree are billed at the correspondingly highest rate.
I hope that the introspection that I have devoted to this will be helpful in my assessment and (possible?, likely?) diagnosis.
I also seem to have a reserve of "emotionality" that the OP referenced---
I'm also aware that:
A) It's my mask.
B) It's expensive.
C) When it's spent, it's spent, to my utter disability.

And so, I'm learning to treat that reserve as
an interest account: spend wisely and controlledly, and "keep it in the black".

 

[Nervous Rex]

It occurs to me, that even though I have become very good at masking(I'll bet I could pass as NT to all but the most observant and studied of experts, if I tried), it is by letting my extra-over-hyper-active brain run wild on the "interface quandary", and the cost can be devastating exhaustion.

This. 100%. I can't say enough how much I agree.

I also seem to have a reserve of "emotionality" that the OP referenced---
I'm also aware that:
A) It's my mask.
B) It's expensive.
C) When it's spent, it's spent, to my utter disability.

And so, I'm learning to treat that reserve as
an interest account: spend wisely and controlledly, and "keep it in the black".

I never even considered rationing, or budgeting it. I'll have to think that over for a while. This could be an incredibly useful tip.

 

[Tom]

Not being autistic enough... for what? The Spectrum Symphony? The Aspie Bobsled Team?

 

[sidd851]

I never even considered rationing, or budgeting it. I'll have to think that over for a while. This could be an incredibly useful tip.

In the passive/defensive sense, this holds very true, for me. It is unfortunate that it took years to slowly gain awareness of it, though.
By passive/defensive, I mean responding to any type of forward or accusatory or aggressive social interaction.
I can be stubborn in my own defense, even vehement. If I perceive it as a matter of principle or ideal, or a personal assault, it can literally turn into
a mental "suicide attack", on my part.

On the other hand, in the active/offensive sense, it is far more of a "camouflage" effort, and if I put enough of that "out there" it generally gives them so much to think about, as well as making me seem "like them", that I generally escape "defense mode"
The cost is far lighter for active/offensive mode, and, as long as I'm spared scrutiny or assault, I can pretty much carry on continuously, in the span of a single day.

For me, confrontation of any kind or degree is the most costly and damaging of social interaction.

The best defense, to quote an adage, is a good offense.

 

[Isadoorian]

Much like our Eyes and Fingerprints, and the rings of trees, no 2 people on the Spectrum will be the same. We all vary in mannerisms and how we react to certain stimuli and situations. We may be alike, but never truly are.

 

[Adora]

Remember that it’s called a Spectrum for a reason,i feel deep emotions aswell and I am also highly empathetic but you will find that there are other Aspies like this and some who are not,I actually thought that no one would ever pick up that i am on the spectrum because I don’t believe I fit the stereotypical form but I was wrong because apparently my husbands friend picked up on it and my husband swore he never said anything nor hinted anything to his friend that I am on the spectrum and I asked my husband how he could figure it out and he just said that Autism is written all over me,so maybe while you think that you don’t come across autistic in some way those with some knowledge about autism will pick up straight away that you are on the spectrum even if you believe that you are not autistic enough.

 

[Progster]

"interface quandary"

Could you please explain what you mean here?

 

[sidd851]

Could you please explain what you mean here?

I meant the social interaction problem.
The ever changing analysis of interaction with a neurotypical world.

I don't seem to "get" things the same way that a neurotypical does--- the body language and other non-verbal stuff, although I've gotten better over the years---
so it becomes an extremely complex constant shuffling of ideas to try to understand exactly "where" I am, and others are, in the present "social dynamic".

In my case, rather than some great "formula", it seems that I simply rearrange likely scenarios until I hit upon the one, or few, that are most likely.
Of course, every moment of interaction brings myriad changes that must be assimilated into the reasoning process.

This process is so complex, and "human nature" brings so many surprises, that I seem to be unable to keep up with the calculations consciously, most of the time.

So... I just used the term "interface quandary".
Sorry for the confusion.