Okay, I can't go into too much detail because, well, some of this is intensely personal and some of it concerns other people whose permission to talk about this I haven't gained. Long story short, I was asked to give evidence in court yesterday. It wasn't out of the blue because I'd known for over a month that I was going to be required, but as the time crept inexorably forward to the 'big' day, my anxiety levels rose until, on the morning I was meant to be there, even though I did a good job of concealing it to my father (with whom I live), I drove to the court alone, in my car. I'm one of those people who, when alone, any semblance of a 'mask' disappears and I go 'full symptoms'. The drive to court scared me, because I've never had a reaction like that.
I normally mutter to myself when I'm at the wheel - a constant stream-of-consciousness babble of meaningless and echolalia. Yesterday I was screaming in the car. I had heart palpitations at one point. I was full of adrenaline and then the adrenaline faded, then it came back. Other times I was in tears. I desperately wanted to go home, curl up in bed and be alone. I couldn't. I'd been called and that was that.
The problem is, I'm undiagnosed. I strongly suspect I have ASD but I can't get tested. I've requested testing twice. My doctor lost the paperwork first time around. This time the request is allegedly in the system somewhere. Either way, no appointments are on the horizon so when I arrived at court I was a rabbit in the headlights.
When I'm nervous or anxious - or even just bored - I do odd things. One thing in particular I do is pick at my skin; usually the right thumb. I waited for over an hour to be called. In this time I picked off and peeled back nearly two square centimetres of skin, causing it to bleed (it's under a lot of sticking plasters now). Maybe that's my stim; I don't know. Not being diagnosed, I can't tell. But by the time I was called, my right thumb was a painful mess.
I had a quick chat with one of the court officials before I went in. I can normally look someone in the eye for a while at least - long enough to get a conversation over with. Not this time. I could barely look at him at all. I was stammering, almost crying with fear. I was hunched over, shaking. When I finally went in I stood where they told me to stand and people were looking at me. Staring at me. Examining me. I felt like I was being blasted by searchlights.
I didn't give a good performance. I stumbled over my words, could barely look at anyone, let alone make eye contact. I was on the verge of tears. I answered what I could answer, stammered, picked at my thumb, trembled. My heart pounded and I felt like I wanted to scream, run out of the place and find a dark broom cupbord to hide in. I was cornered and terrified - and nobody knew why. All they saw was a big guy who was shaking like a leaf, couldn't answer simple questions and appeared to be evasive because he was reluctant to look at the ones asking those questions.
The worst part is I've got to go back again. I've probably torpedoed the case on my own. When I got home I went straight to bed and slept like a log for six hours. As I type this now it's twenty-four hours later and I'm 'normal' again. Dad never saw anything of this. I've told him in the past that I think I'm autistic but he won't buy it. You see, he 'knows' what autism looks like. My nephew is autistic - severely so. He was nonverbal when he was little, he can't properly communicate now, he's copiously intelligent but he's very special-needs and he'll probably need care for the rest of his life. To Dad that's autism, not my general nervousness, social cowardice and my terror when I'm the centre of attention.
The thought of going back to court again, going through all of that for a second time - quite possibly because I messed it up so much the first time (I don't know how courts operate) - terrifies me. I don't want to go through all that a second time, but I have no valid excuse not to. Unless I get a diagnosis on paper between now and then, which is vanishingly unlikely, I'm going to be a wreck. I can see no way out of this. If I refuse to appear I'll probably be 'collected' by some means, so I have to go (like a fool I'd indicated prior that I would be happy to appear as required). I don't have a coping strategy big enough for this situation because nobody but me understands why I'm feeling like this. I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.
I normally mutter to myself when I'm at the wheel - a constant stream-of-consciousness babble of meaningless and echolalia. Yesterday I was screaming in the car. I had heart palpitations at one point. I was full of adrenaline and then the adrenaline faded, then it came back. Other times I was in tears. I desperately wanted to go home, curl up in bed and be alone. I couldn't. I'd been called and that was that.
The problem is, I'm undiagnosed. I strongly suspect I have ASD but I can't get tested. I've requested testing twice. My doctor lost the paperwork first time around. This time the request is allegedly in the system somewhere. Either way, no appointments are on the horizon so when I arrived at court I was a rabbit in the headlights.
When I'm nervous or anxious - or even just bored - I do odd things. One thing in particular I do is pick at my skin; usually the right thumb. I waited for over an hour to be called. In this time I picked off and peeled back nearly two square centimetres of skin, causing it to bleed (it's under a lot of sticking plasters now). Maybe that's my stim; I don't know. Not being diagnosed, I can't tell. But by the time I was called, my right thumb was a painful mess.
I had a quick chat with one of the court officials before I went in. I can normally look someone in the eye for a while at least - long enough to get a conversation over with. Not this time. I could barely look at him at all. I was stammering, almost crying with fear. I was hunched over, shaking. When I finally went in I stood where they told me to stand and people were looking at me. Staring at me. Examining me. I felt like I was being blasted by searchlights.
I didn't give a good performance. I stumbled over my words, could barely look at anyone, let alone make eye contact. I was on the verge of tears. I answered what I could answer, stammered, picked at my thumb, trembled. My heart pounded and I felt like I wanted to scream, run out of the place and find a dark broom cupbord to hide in. I was cornered and terrified - and nobody knew why. All they saw was a big guy who was shaking like a leaf, couldn't answer simple questions and appeared to be evasive because he was reluctant to look at the ones asking those questions.
The worst part is I've got to go back again. I've probably torpedoed the case on my own. When I got home I went straight to bed and slept like a log for six hours. As I type this now it's twenty-four hours later and I'm 'normal' again. Dad never saw anything of this. I've told him in the past that I think I'm autistic but he won't buy it. You see, he 'knows' what autism looks like. My nephew is autistic - severely so. He was nonverbal when he was little, he can't properly communicate now, he's copiously intelligent but he's very special-needs and he'll probably need care for the rest of his life. To Dad that's autism, not my general nervousness, social cowardice and my terror when I'm the centre of attention.
The thought of going back to court again, going through all of that for a second time - quite possibly because I messed it up so much the first time (I don't know how courts operate) - terrifies me. I don't want to go through all that a second time, but I have no valid excuse not to. Unless I get a diagnosis on paper between now and then, which is vanishingly unlikely, I'm going to be a wreck. I can see no way out of this. If I refuse to appear I'll probably be 'collected' by some means, so I have to go (like a fool I'd indicated prior that I would be happy to appear as required). I don't have a coping strategy big enough for this situation because nobody but me understands why I'm feeling like this. I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.