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Fear and stress like never before

Nomen Dubium

Active Member
V.I.P Member
Okay, I can't go into too much detail because, well, some of this is intensely personal and some of it concerns other people whose permission to talk about this I haven't gained. Long story short, I was asked to give evidence in court yesterday. It wasn't out of the blue because I'd known for over a month that I was going to be required, but as the time crept inexorably forward to the 'big' day, my anxiety levels rose until, on the morning I was meant to be there, even though I did a good job of concealing it to my father (with whom I live), I drove to the court alone, in my car. I'm one of those people who, when alone, any semblance of a 'mask' disappears and I go 'full symptoms'. The drive to court scared me, because I've never had a reaction like that.

I normally mutter to myself when I'm at the wheel - a constant stream-of-consciousness babble of meaningless and echolalia. Yesterday I was screaming in the car. I had heart palpitations at one point. I was full of adrenaline and then the adrenaline faded, then it came back. Other times I was in tears. I desperately wanted to go home, curl up in bed and be alone. I couldn't. I'd been called and that was that.

The problem is, I'm undiagnosed. I strongly suspect I have ASD but I can't get tested. I've requested testing twice. My doctor lost the paperwork first time around. This time the request is allegedly in the system somewhere. Either way, no appointments are on the horizon so when I arrived at court I was a rabbit in the headlights.

When I'm nervous or anxious - or even just bored - I do odd things. One thing in particular I do is pick at my skin; usually the right thumb. I waited for over an hour to be called. In this time I picked off and peeled back nearly two square centimetres of skin, causing it to bleed (it's under a lot of sticking plasters now). Maybe that's my stim; I don't know. Not being diagnosed, I can't tell. But by the time I was called, my right thumb was a painful mess.

I had a quick chat with one of the court officials before I went in. I can normally look someone in the eye for a while at least - long enough to get a conversation over with. Not this time. I could barely look at him at all. I was stammering, almost crying with fear. I was hunched over, shaking. When I finally went in I stood where they told me to stand and people were looking at me. Staring at me. Examining me. I felt like I was being blasted by searchlights.

I didn't give a good performance. I stumbled over my words, could barely look at anyone, let alone make eye contact. I was on the verge of tears. I answered what I could answer, stammered, picked at my thumb, trembled. My heart pounded and I felt like I wanted to scream, run out of the place and find a dark broom cupbord to hide in. I was cornered and terrified - and nobody knew why. All they saw was a big guy who was shaking like a leaf, couldn't answer simple questions and appeared to be evasive because he was reluctant to look at the ones asking those questions.

The worst part is I've got to go back again. I've probably torpedoed the case on my own. When I got home I went straight to bed and slept like a log for six hours. As I type this now it's twenty-four hours later and I'm 'normal' again. Dad never saw anything of this. I've told him in the past that I think I'm autistic but he won't buy it. You see, he 'knows' what autism looks like. My nephew is autistic - severely so. He was nonverbal when he was little, he can't properly communicate now, he's copiously intelligent but he's very special-needs and he'll probably need care for the rest of his life. To Dad that's autism, not my general nervousness, social cowardice and my terror when I'm the centre of attention.

The thought of going back to court again, going through all of that for a second time - quite possibly because I messed it up so much the first time (I don't know how courts operate) - terrifies me. I don't want to go through all that a second time, but I have no valid excuse not to. Unless I get a diagnosis on paper between now and then, which is vanishingly unlikely, I'm going to be a wreck. I can see no way out of this. If I refuse to appear I'll probably be 'collected' by some means, so I have to go (like a fool I'd indicated prior that I would be happy to appear as required). I don't have a coping strategy big enough for this situation because nobody but me understands why I'm feeling like this. I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.
 
I can understand that you’re terrified. But you did a great job even showing up in court yesterday despite your anxiety. I wouldn’t worry too much about how you affected the case. You did the best you could under these difficult circumstances and I think you should be proud of yourself for that.
That being said, maybe you could ask your GP for a mild sedative for your next trip to court?
 
I am sorry for all those Autistic, panic and stimming symptoms that came out then at that timing. Can you tell us what the court case was for, or is that supposed to be confidential, and I could then give better advice, on how to somehow either get
out of this situation, or make the best of it.

I just know I relate. I never was diagnosed with ASD during my schooling, but diagnosed by One doctor many decades after, after having prior social anxiety, ocd, and AvPD diagnoses, when I too had severe panic issues, and for me it was for classes where I had to give oral presentations, sit in groups, or talk in class. My parents refused to admit to any diagnoses, much less Autism.

As time got nearer to those moments in class, my adrenaline would flow harder, my chest feeling like it would explode, my head felt like it would burst from all that pressure and rapidly building anxiety, my thoughts all racing and negative about myself and me messing up, which only made matters worse, and increased my embarrassment at how I was acting and for what I could not do properly, which intensified everything too.

The anxiety and fear got so bad I started to feel like I had to vomit, prior to such group talk and presentations, which only feared me more, as prior presentations, group activities and attempts to talk in class, I failed miserably, with fearful eyes averted, stumbling words, sweating, red face, with one or two words at most coming out. I could feel and see the snickers and stares, which made my symptoms even worse.

I started vomiting about three times at home daily where I lived my first year or two at college, because of that severe anxiety, and I started obsessing about and fearing getting sick and panicking in class in front of others, so many times I would have to exit the class and vomit in their restroom, clean up, brush my teeth, attempt to relax, and so forth. This only temporarily helped, and I needed some more permanent solution.

Although I knew the permanent solution was to see if there was some solution to improve my social anxiety, by improving my self esteem, social skills, and finding ways to worry less, I felt I would need a quicker intermediate solution first though, and so I brainstormed, and I felt, as my panic symptoms became worse when I thought about and feared that scary talking thing, I thought of ways where I did not fear that thing.

I told myself, “Well, maybe it will be good if I act like some really scared guy in glass, as I could go vomit over the students and teacher. Maybe then one will feel pity and get help for me, as my parents did not care, nor did the school systems when I held those fears in or tried hard to partially hide my severe anxieties.” So, I used humor a bit, and started to convince myself I wanted to get sick in class.

“I cannot wait til my next class, as I want to puke over that bully next to me,” I told myself over and over in my head, until I really believed it. “Maybe everyone would be on my side then, or maybe the teacher would talk to me after class and say, ‘We are going to get you a diagnosis’ or ‘You do not need to do oral presentations anymore,’ I thought. Or, I thought to myself, “Hey, I can quit school, if I get really sick, yaaay.”

What is weird is, the more I had these less self-defeating thoughts, the fears I had of getting sick in class subsided. It got to the point, when I started to feel that anxiety increase, I would revert back to those thoughts mentioned, and the anxiety would start to subside before I even got to a panic state, and before the physical urge to get sick in class was so great I could not stop such.

This does not mean all was well, with regards to my condition, or signs and symptoms, as I still decided the time then was to quit these classes where I would have to talk, and to switch majors even to Math, as I knew those were I could remain silent, as regardless of my ability to stop that panic, my social skills were still awful, and you cannot make an introvert with some condition into some extrovert overnight, or one with Autism into an NT, ever.

For your situation, if I had a better understanding of the purpose of you being a witness, and the purpose of the testimony, I could perhaps give a specific response to your situation, whether to find a way to explain to the court or some lawyer, through a notarized letter in writing, why you acted that way to the court, or cannot show up again until you are medically able, or whether to have you go back to your doctor and explain your situation, like you have here, with a request to expedite your testing, as a court situation is involved and your condition is being triggered by such.

Perhaps if you detail such to them like you did here, one important person will understand, and try to write up a medical statement on your behalf, to get you out of that or better that court situation, or to give you advise to get a lawyer to protect your rights, if such is needed. A doctor will not act urgently, nor court, unless you state the urgency, and state the emergency, and detail why. I feel your situation could be bettered immensely, by somehow getting an important other to understand your fears, and why you acted as you did.
 
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I don't have a coping strategy big enough for this situation because nobody but me understands why I'm feeling like this. I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry that it affected you that way. It sounds horrible. Here's what I did, and maybe it will work for you. I wrote everything down in a statement which the police and court had, and memorized it. I also practiced in front of a mirror and it helped.

A good friend of mine was badly beaten for trying to stop a guy from kicking his own dog because the dog wouldn't come when he called him. The worst part was that the dog just stood there and didn't even move, while being kicked over and over.
I broke the fight up immediately, but not before my friend's hand and cheekbone had been broken. The only injury I had were some bruised ribs.

The court case involved mine and the victim's statement, so I had to go. The dog was taken away from the guy, and he was fined, and spent a short time in a correctional facility for his attack on the two of us. Think about the final results as well, and that will help with what you are doing. That's what kept me going the entire time, that this guy would go to jail, and the dog would have a better home. It was all worth it and I'd do it again.
 
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That was great that you went to court and took care of business. Not sure l could have handled that as well as you did!!
 
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At least you know the route and the building now, Mia's advice about writing down your witness material sounds helpful. It shouldn't be as bad the second time.
 
@Nomen Dubium

"Unless I get a diagnosis on paper between now and then, which is vanishingly unlikely, I'm going to be a wreck."

It sounds like you expect a diagnosis to validate your state of existence,
that it will give you confidence to be as you are and act as a shield between
you and those who are unacquainted with you.
 
I think you can sometimes dodge jury duty with a suitable dx. Don't know about witness stuff though. Probably not dodgeable.
 
Sounds like a nightmare to go through.
I would be prepared with a script for some benzos next time.
Funny you mentioned the thumb stimming.
I do the same thing when nervous. Pick at the cuticle of my right thumb. I know I've pulled the skin
off to a bloody mess too.
I've done that since a teenager.
 
I understand the fear and all, and you did a great job showing up and handling it at all. Good for you, and I hope it's a little easier for you next time. You'll know what to expect. I'm sure you'll still feel like your stumbling through it, but not as much. I know I've always said I'd never pass a lie detector test - it would show me lying about my own name, I'm sure. I know I was stopped once for illegal tags and I always act so guilty and stuff, they thought I had been drinking or hiding something and kept questioning me. I'm just going to appear guilty and I can't help it.
 

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