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family kind of annoying

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by thickpeen, Feb 11, 2019.

  1. thickpeen

    thickpeen Karasene, Karasel, Karamel, Karabear

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    Well, not so much family as just my grandma. I live with my grandparents and they're very protective. My grandma has this habit of talking over me or referring to basic things I do as because of my Asperger's. An example of this is when I try to talk about something with my grandfather, and she'll butt in about my lack of social skills and the like, or will generally just bring up things I've done and say "and that's because of your autism." Obviously she means well but it feels kind of demeaning and belittling to have someone speak over me or say things about my condition when I can say them myself.

    She's also absolutely convinced that I'm helpless and won't be able to take care of myself once I move out, so she's making my college searches very limited. She doesn't want me going outside of the state or even outside of the Susquehanna Valley. It's incredibly restrictive and the more she hovers and talks over me the less empowered I feel. I just want to be my own person and own my condition and she won't let me.
     
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  2. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Is anyone's family not kind of annoying? :yum:

    Seriously though, that does sound irritating. Have you told her how her behaviour makes you feel?

    Why does she get to dictate where you go to college, is she paying for it? Can you not just make you own decision on this, as an adult?

    Perhaps you could do more to show her that you can take care of yourself. Are there any more responsibilities you can take on to show you are not helpless, things like taking on more roles around the house, taking charge of the cooking, putting money towards rent or bills?
     
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  3. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It seems like you are 19 and an adult? You can do as you wish, but will have to pay the price. Living and surviving out in the real world is really difficult. Whatever you decide, good luck!
     
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  4. thickpeen

    thickpeen Karasene, Karasel, Karamel, Karabear

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    I graduate in June, and I do work, but they both refuse to let me help much then complain during therapy sessions that they're worried about my ability to take care of myself. I feel like they forget that I had to take care of myself until I was 16, when I moved in with them :/
     
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  5. Reirei

    Reirei Dragonair is debonair.

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    Since I haven't met them, I can't promise this will work but it may be worth trying to get more freedoms and responsibilities by a trial basis. For instance, "This week I will handle X responsibility and I'll let you know if I need help". After that goes well then do something else or add something. To kind of show them week by week that you can handle these things and build both of your confidences. Maybe?
     
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  6. Reirei

    Reirei Dragonair is debonair.

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    Also, in all honesty, I'm 28 and I still have help from my dad often. Tonight he came over and helped me with some things.
     
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  7. MeghanWithAnH

    MeghanWithAnH Member

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    Are you present in these therapy sessions where they complain? Have you tried explaining that you'd like to do more but they don't let you help in front of the therapist? Sometimes a therapist can make family members actually listen to what you are saying. Maybe you could ask the therapist to help you all come up with a plan to give you more responsibilities and practice taking care of yourself.

    They may forget, but you remember. You know that you can take care of yourself even if they say you can't. I've found that when I live with people who think I can't take care of myself I do actually become less able to take care of myself. I fall back into their expectations of me even though I am an adult and have lived by myself for years and done just fine. It sounds like it might be good for you to go to college away from your grandmother. It's not helpful to be around someone who is convinced you are helpless. Maybe don't move to the other side of the world as your first step away from home, but it sounds like you at least need to live in a different house.
     
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  8. china autie

    china autie friend to dogs and frogs and cats

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    If they are not paying for your college tuition or your application fees, you get to apply to whatever colleges you want to.

    Difficult as it may be, I would be tempted to tell Grandmother that "my autism" is no longer a subject for conversation. And gently but firmly enforce that.

    Money and financial aid comes with strings or obligations. And this is true if it comes from relatives, a bank, or a scholarship.

    What do you say about you? Are you able to support yourself financially?

    I barely manage. I do get food help from a relative and I hunt out free community meals.

    Accepting help from that relative means about once a week, I drive for an hour to their house, take them food shopping and other errands, unload the car, eat, make conversation, and then drive an hour home. This is five hours or so out of one of my days off.

    This also means listening to them complain about one of their relatives, the television and phone being bugged, lately the post office is also not okay with them, and yes, I also wound up with one of their formerly feral kittens.

    The kitten is doing well. An injury made her transform into friendly and trusting of humans. Me, not so well after five or more hours of intense activity.

    [Relative has docs and specialists but relative is currently refusing treatment for their paranoia-type symptoms related to their forever personality.]

    I love my relative but the point is: help does not come for "free", especially any sort of financial assistance. And after they die, I will have to add a few more community meals.

    I strongly encourage you to apply to the colleges you want to go to, even if you have to do it at a library. Even if you have to rent a post office box to correspond with said colleges. Even if for now, you have to keep it a secret until you have an acceptance letter and have formally enrolled. Even if you have to work and do loans or scholarships to do it.

    I believe in you, no matter where you go to college.
     
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  9. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I think all our families are like that. My family is like it in some ways. Still in other ways they're awesome people that I couldn't imagine my life without.
     
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