False borderline label

[RainbowAura]

I was raised by my mother as totally dependent on her. She was a very dramatic and over emotional person who cotton wool balled me. She has borderline traits and had no steady good relationships either. She is narcissistic too and confuses me if she wants me indeodent or not and abuses me and makes choices for me
I never knew how to do anything. To do this day (26 years old) I haven’t learnt how thr world operates. I don’t know how things are built, how people get to and fro, manage stress, go to work, plan and just normal people things. I didn’t even have an I.d
I can’t cook well, clean, executive functioning is hard, find it hard to read (worsened over the years) and can’t even catch a bus. I’ve looked at time tables online but I’m confused how I’d manage without losing my money, missing the bus and all of it. I got a bus card online though. Taxis I am not sure how to budget.. I can’t budget, meal plan or know how to handle any crisis. I panic without my mother. I’ve sought help by asking when I’ve seen a therapist. They said they’d help. Nothing came.
I’m easily confused, easily overwhelmed and find the world very scary.

I recently I saw a really abusive psychologist took my mother and I to see her. She was just awful and I reported her to no avail. I have all a bad track record of leaving therapists due to mistreatment. This has been tainted by the “therapists” to them when I have records of all they did to me. I’ve left courses and studies due to not having support or told in other words to leave. But it’s been twisted.

I also have a c-ptsd label which is true. I also have severe social phobia. I have had no friends since I was 13 years old and spent most of my time at home since then.

I’m currently at an eating disorder clinic which I’m causing a scene at. There is a story with that too. I guess my background is on their label. I’ve had eye rolls and mistreatment. They don’t accept my allergies and sensitives and are being rude. I’m forced food I can’t due to budget they say and they said they don’t believe me. One staff member who hates me said “are you goijg to be here this weekend?” (They all hage knowledge of the going ons and no one has told me anything how things operate here.. I’ve had to ask so many questions). She said it with sarcasm and “secret knowledge” as I didn’t know what she meant. (They keep doing this and not telling me things and I keep breaking rules accidentally). She said something about weakened is leave if you’ve been there a while but her previous comment didn’t indicate that (people frequently confuse me or ignore me or talk over me and treat me as a child). She said “oh don’t mess that up ok?” With bitchiness, she watched me eat and more drama with my eating as I didn’t eat the tomato. I seem to be causing a roar as I do everywhere I go. I’m not a bad person but keep having to ask questions. I am vegan so this is irritating them and my questions I’ve had to keep asking (I don’t understand how this place operates.. lots is under lock and key here and lots I don’t know staff say different stuff)

I feel totally and utterly worthless. I wanted to take photos of my meal last night but because I’m traumatised by family abuse and being at thr hosptisl for a week I got mad and demanded I do (it isn’t on any rules on my book). And another staff member said “well no one else is”. I did anyway. I felt sick doing it but I’m fed up, To be honest I’m tired of people being treated with exemption like some seem to here and stupid rules which they make up which aren’t on guided or booklets. I’m tired of being pushed around. I was at a respite recently and caused a scene with my diet again and had a huge row with someone there. He treated me like a stupid 5 year old and laughed st me. He laughed and said “ohhhh what do u wanna be a nurse or dr?” I just felt like I’m a pushover and forced foods and things I don’t want. It comes off me looking like a brat. If I don’t speak up then I’m even more a pushover. All my life I’ve been silent. Now I complain (doesn’t do any good) online. I get stares from staff at my drs room now.. (don’t think it’s just due to me being underweight)...
my last drs practice is as so mistreated and my mother took. I’m constantly a pushover.. I’m fed up. I had another support worker recently I quit due to him making little stabs at my looks and not helping me as the system glamourised it as being call this stuff they’d do (sick of the lies)

I want to work as a librarian but overwhelmed by studies, cost and where to get support. I can’t drive... my mother has dumped me here in other words until I get fat. I’m miserable. I don’t know when to do this or that.

The reason I joined this forum my abusive mother had a councillor years ago who said I have Aspergers. I do relate to it and adhd as well. I always struggled at school but did better at English. My mum did homework for me which was wrong but I underexcelled and have always had trouble understanding and learning. I never understood why. I failed basic maths at school. I always felt something was wrong with me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and all ways. I was bullied badly but felt so much pain inside. I’ve felt like I’m not meant to be nere and an alien. It’s an unusual feeling. I’ve neber related to other people or been able to connect. I prefer being on my own but it hurts. lol I want is my mother. Recently my mother abandoned me in a respite and I was in crisis mode of being homeless. It was a joke to staff .. but that’s another story.

I was a very lonely child and had minimal friends which took off fast. I played alone and always wondered why no one wanted me.

I’m seen as constantly difficult and a pain and cause some sort of whirlwind of trouble and enemies everywhere I go because I’m misunderstood and offbeat. I’m confused by thr world now I’m dumped around it. It’s scsry. I recently decided with mums help to get I.d. And was very awkward and confused over it and made a fool of myself.

I’m considered a brat(all my life), demanding, uncaring and selfish (told all my life)
And keep getting enemies. My abusive mother thinks and tells I’m cold, mental, messed up, no one would want me.. etc. I want to live on my own but unsure how to go about it with the isolation and support I’d need it will traumatic. And the system keeps failing me.

I’m honestly really loving and have a huge heart. I come off as dull and quiet and dumb to others but I’m hurting and in a traumatic state due to abuse and abandonment and what has happened to me in my life.

I feel I’m constantly being lied to by professionals by what they offer or will do and it doesn’t come. Othersseem to get special exemptions or treatment.

I feel very incapable and have learned helplessness form my mother I feel. I’m unsure what to do with support due to nz’s underfunding and my social phobia. People tell me “oh well!” With hate and to in otherwords.. “get over it”.

I can’t even make a bed well. Or plan outfits. Or know how to wash or when to make a bed. I’m walked over as I don’t know how to speak up, when I do I cause a drama and it adds to my records everyone seems to get.. everyone at this eating disorder clinic would’ve read them.. everyone knows about me.. even staff at the hospital knew about my anorexia and they gossiped and stared as I walked by “oh she has an eating disorder”
Why do I have an eating disorder? I was unable to meal plan after I decided to go vegan and make my own meals, I had severe depression , I couldn’t budget, my mother controlled and manipulated me and what I could get. Eventually my mind gave up trying. I felt overwhelmed by the maths, scales, fractions (can’t do it) and meal planning as my mind can’t handle it

I’m in a very depressive bad place right now and I’m exhausted asking for help on things

 

[RainbowAura]

Sorry for all my typos I can’t edit anything . I just want help. I can’t stsnd the pain it’s so deep I cry every night


No one told me anything nere it’s so annoying. I keep being treated as a stupid child. I feel there is some secret code book for the world and I keep messing it up. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t get it at all. I’m constantly dealing with the confusion. Mum gets it too. We both feel we are missing some secret “code”. Because we keep breaking it. Whether it was at church, life.. anywhere.

I also have different interests and view points and that’s further adding to that since I said I don’t like cats when asked. (Real ones)

 

[Fino]

Hello, RainbowAura! I like the cat you have in your signature! It's very cute.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through. I can relate to a lot of it and everyone here can relate to at least some of it, especially the part about feeling like an alien.

Asperger's does seem like a possibility. Perhaps being diagnosed with ASD would help the situation, specifically the dismissals of your sensitivities.

What does the title of the thread refer to? Your mother? It doesn't seem to be specifically referenced in the post.

I know how you feel with the helplessness, feeling incapable of doing anything, and dependence on others. I've struggled with all of that and have slowly gotten a little better. Still going.

We are the same age!

I'm certainly no expert on eating disorders, but the way you describe it makes me feel that you don't have an eating disorder. You have many other issues manifesting as an eating disorder. Maybe that's the same thing, I don't know. And you're in an "eating disorder clinic," so how could it possibly be taboo to have an eating disorder?

I was vegan for a year! Now I'm 95% vegan. Milk chocolate is important to me.

I understand, also, your feelings toward your goal of being a librarian. This, and life in general, is excruciatingly difficult for people like us, I know, but you can do it, even if when you wonder how it all seems dark, it can happen, you can make it happen.

I know it's very little to go off of, but from these posts, I think you sound awesome! I like you so far! You should stay!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I was raised by my mother as totally dependent on her. She was a very dramatic and over emotional person who cotton wool balled me. She has borderline traits and had no steady good relationships either. She is narcissistic too and confuses me if she wants me indeodent or not and abuses me and makes choices for me
I never knew how to do anything. To do this day (26 years old) I haven’t learnt how thr world operates. I don’t know how things are built, how people get to and fro, manage stress, go to work, plan and just normal people things. I didn’t even have an I.d
I can’t cook well, clean, executive functioning is hard, find it hard to read (worsened over the years) and can’t even catch a bus. I’ve looked at time tables online but I’m confused how I’d manage without losing my money, missing the bus and all of it. I got a bus card online though. Taxis I am not sure how to budget.. I can’t budget, meal plan or know how to handle any crisis. I panic without my mother. I’ve sought help by asking when I’ve seen a therapist. They said they’d help. Nothing came.
I’m easily confused, easily overwhelmed and find the world very scary.

I recently I saw a really abusive psychologist took my mother and I to see her. She was just awful and I reported her to no avail. I have all a bad track record of leaving therapists due to mistreatment. This has been tainted by the “therapists” to them when I have records of all they did to me. I’ve left courses and studies due to not having support or told in other words to leave. But it’s been twisted.

I also have a c-ptsd label which is true. I also have severe social phobia. I have had no friends since I was 13 years old and spent most of my time at home since then.

I’m currently at an eating disorder clinic which I’m causing a scene at. There is a story with that too. I guess my background is on their label. I’ve had eye rolls and mistreatment. They don’t accept my allergies and sensitives and are being rude. I’m forced food I can’t due to budget they say and they said they don’t believe me. One staff member who hates me said “are you goijg to be here this weekend?” (They all hage knowledge of the going ons and no one has told me anything how things operate here.. I’ve had to ask so many questions). She said it with sarcasm and “secret knowledge” as I didn’t know what she meant. (They keep doing this and not telling me things and I keep breaking rules accidentally). She said something about weakened is leave if you’ve been there a while but her previous comment didn’t indicate that (people frequently confuse me or ignore me or talk over me and treat me as a child). She said “oh don’t mess that up ok?” With bitchiness, she watched me eat and more drama with my eating as I didn’t eat the tomato. I seem to be causing a roar as I do everywhere I go. I’m not a bad person but keep having to ask questions. I am vegan so this is irritating them and my questions I’ve had to keep asking (I don’t understand how this place operates.. lots is under lock and key here and lots I don’t know staff say different stuff)

I feel totally and utterly worthless. I wanted to take photos of my meal last night but because I’m traumatised by family abuse and being at thr hosptisl for a week I got mad and demanded I do (it isn’t on any rules on my book). And another staff member said “well no one else is”. I did anyway. I felt sick doing it but I’m fed up, To be honest I’m tired of people being treated with exemption like some seem to here and stupid rules which they make up which aren’t on guided or booklets. I’m tired of being pushed around. I was at a respite recently and caused a scene with my diet again and had a huge row with someone there. He treated me like a stupid 5 year old and laughed st me. He laughed and said “ohhhh what do u wanna be a nurse or dr?” I just felt like I’m a pushover and forced foods and things I don’t want. It comes off me looking like a brat. If I don’t speak up then I’m even more a pushover. All my life I’ve been silent. Now I complain (doesn’t do any good) online. I get stares from staff at my drs room now.. (don’t think it’s just due to me being underweight)...
my last drs practice is as so mistreated and my mother took. I’m constantly a pushover.. I’m fed up. I had another support worker recently I quit due to him making little stabs at my looks and not helping me as the system glamourised it as being call this stuff they’d do (sick of the lies)

I want to work as a librarian but overwhelmed by studies, cost and where to get support. I can’t drive... my mother has dumped me here in other words until I get fat. I’m miserable. I don’t know when to do this or that.

The reason I joined this forum my abusive mother had a councillor years ago who said I have Aspergers. I do relate to it and adhd as well. I always struggled at school but did better at English. My mum did homework for me which was wrong but I underexcelled and have always had trouble understanding and learning. I never understood why. I failed basic maths at school. I always felt something was wrong with me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and all ways. I was bullied badly but felt so much pain inside. I’ve felt like I’m not meant to be nere and an alien. It’s an unusual feeling. I’ve neber related to other people or been able to connect. I prefer being on my own but it hurts. lol I want is my mother. Recently my mother abandoned me in a respite and I was in crisis mode of being homeless. It was a joke to staff .. but that’s another story.

I was a very lonely child and had minimal friends which took off fast. I played alone and always wondered why no one wanted me.

I’m seen as constantly difficult and a pain and cause some sort of whirlwind of trouble and enemies everywhere I go because I’m misunderstood and offbeat. I’m confused by thr world now I’m dumped around it. It’s scsry. I recently decided with mums help to get I.d. And was very awkward and confused over it and made a fool of myself.

I’m considered a brat(all my life), demanding, uncaring and selfish (told all my life)
And keep getting enemies. My abusive mother thinks and tells I’m cold, mental, messed up, no one would want me.. etc. I want to live on my own but unsure how to go about it with the isolation and support I’d need it will traumatic. And the system keeps failing me.

I’m honestly really loving and have a huge heart. I come off as dull and quiet and dumb to others but I’m hurting and in a traumatic state due to abuse and abandonment and what has happened to me in my life.

I feel I’m constantly being lied to by professionals by what they offer or will do and it doesn’t come. Othersseem to get special exemptions or treatment.

I feel very incapable and have learned helplessness form my mother I feel. I’m unsure what to do with support due to nz’s underfunding and my social phobia. People tell me “oh well!” With hate and to in otherwords.. “get over it”.

I can’t even make a bed well. Or plan outfits. Or know how to wash or when to make a bed. I’m walked over as I don’t know how to speak up, when I do I cause a drama and it adds to my records everyone seems to get.. everyone at this eating disorder clinic would’ve read them.. everyone knows about me.. even staff at the hospital knew about my anorexia and they gossiped and stared as I walked by “oh she has an eating disorder”
Why do I have an eating disorder? I was unable to meal plan after I decided to go vegan and make my own meals, I had severe depression , I couldn’t budget, my mother controlled and manipulated me and what I could get. Eventually my mind gave up trying. I felt overwhelmed by the maths, scales, fractions (can’t do it) and meal planning as my mind can’t handle it

I’m in a very depressive bad place right now and I’m exhausted asking for help on things

You're going through a lot. Meal planning is not easy, at least for me.. I just eat whatever i want to eat. I admire that you would like to plan your own meal. Can you buy something instead of planning? Or at least eat something that doesnt require you to cook, like fruits? Hopefully you're still eating something quite good.

Yeah.. It's hard to suddenly being independent, after mom did everything. Although not as bad as your situation, my mom also did everything for me when i was younger. So i think i do feel you to some extent. Feeling like i'm dumb even though i'm already an adult.

I always wished to have a 24-hour personal tutor, who will teach me how to live life. Unfortunately, I realized that nobody can help me to that extent. We might tend to take what those people say literally, especially when we need help. People can only help a bit, and about specific things only. People cant lead us to how & what to do in details.

But, you know what, from what i've learnt, God wont give us any test that we cant overcome (sorry if you dont like religious stuffs. But i think it helps spiritually). So it means, however difficult it is, we can do it. Although we maybe still cannot achieve it at the moment, but we can achieve it.

Somebody said, take one at a time. There're so much aspects that need improvement, but just try to do one step until we somehow used to it. For example, let's say you choose to focus on making the bed well. You can search for how to make a bed well, or see how other people do it. Then, you make your bed. For today, tomorrow, for a week,.. Until you feel it gets easier. It's ok even if it's not perfect. Then maybe you can move to the next thing you want to try.

You already have a bus card, you know how how to ride a bus. Taxi, it's ok to not ride a taxi, since it's expensive.

It's ok, you can do it, just take it one at a time...

Hopefully you'll feel better.. Seriously you've gone through so much. How's your day today..?

 

[Nauti]

I've had an eating disorder and I also have ASD/Aspergers and C-PTSD and have been misdiagnosed with BPD.

I really think, just focusing on getting the nutrition into your body, that it needs, is going to help, A LOT, at this stage.

I did the vegan thing too, for years and years and what I got for it was severe B12 deficiency, which caused my brain to start dissolving, resulting in psychosis, and anemia.

A couple of my kid's, who are your age, or nearly, 25 and 23.5 are still staunch vegans and I do worry about whether they are getting what their bodies need, because they have a lot of health problems, including my son (23.5 yr old) having been diagnosed with BPD. It's hard to feel any kind of emotionally regulated when your body isn't getting what it needs. So I think, first step is to concentrate on getting your body and diet sorted.

Just take one step at a time and be kind to yourself. If you can start to treat yourself better, change your self talk to be reflecting that kindness you know you have inside, it will get easier to be more cooperative, diplomatic, considerate and easier to get on with. It's a snowball effect, the more self compassion you develop, the easier it is to treat other's better, and the more other's are grateful and appreciative of your manners, patience and assertiveness, the easier it is to like yourself, and develop social confidence and self esteem.

The trick is to realize that we are all flawed and that we all deserve compassion, but first to begin to learn to give it to ourselves.

You really need to commit to healing though, you have to WANT to get well, SERIOUSLY, and to be prepared to do whatever it takes.

You also need to cultivate some humility, which is not putting yourself down in any way, it's being honest about your own shortcomings, deficits and problems and becoming grateful toward all the people trying to help you.

That doesn't mean becoming a doormat, in any way, learning about healthy boundaries would be very good for you and will help you out of this codependant mess with your mother and the health system.

If you get better, you will be able to learn independence and to have more and more control in your own life. IT IS POSSIBLE, BUT, IT TAKES EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND MORE; In terms of you need help as well as keep giving it your all.

Do you pray or have any kind of faith?

Even if it is just deciding what you want and creating a goal for yourself, will enable you to more forward.

If you want it bad enough and are prepared to do whatever it takes, you will get there, but, you need to fuel your body with what it needs or else you won't even be able to think straight, learn to emotionally regulate yourself, or, have the energy to move forward.

I should know, I spent YEARS in abusive codependance, starving and dysregulated, and it very nearly killed me.

This is really about your choices.

Good luck! I wish you well! You are in a very hard place, but I KNOW it's possible to recover from that.

And BTW, my mother is also a histrionic BPD narcissistic type of mother, I know the pain of it and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's hard to recover from, especially with cptsd and ASD and, yes, it really does sound like you might be on the specrum.

You've got a lot on your plate, but if I can do it, I'm confident that you can!