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Eye Contact
- Thread starter CurlyGirl
- Start date
I hate it. See too much when I look in eyes.
Interesting question! It definitely gets easier to make eye contact - or fake eye contact - the further away a person is. The most uncomfortable eye contact is when a person is in my "personal space" or close to it - say 4 feet away or less.
I used to fake eye contact by staring at a point between someone's eyebrows (fun fact: It's called the glabella!). When I was diagnosed as autistic, I went on a "discovering all my autistic behaviors" kick and that's when my wife informed me that for 20+ years, she could tell when I was faking eye contact.
Duration of eye contact is a big deal, too. I can handle about 3 seconds. If I'm presenting or speaking in some official manner, I make sure to regularly make eye contact, count 3 seconds, then break it off.
I had to start making/faking eye contact in my 20s because I realized that I could be 100% honest and correct about something I was telling someone, but if I didn't make eye contact they would assume I was lying. It really aggravated me that people don't listen to what you say unless you do this one weird, uncomfortable thing.
I used to fake eye contact by staring at a point between someone's eyebrows (fun fact: It's called the glabella!). When I was diagnosed as autistic, I went on a "discovering all my autistic behaviors" kick and that's when my wife informed me that for 20+ years, she could tell when I was faking eye contact.
Duration of eye contact is a big deal, too. I can handle about 3 seconds. If I'm presenting or speaking in some official manner, I make sure to regularly make eye contact, count 3 seconds, then break it off.
I had to start making/faking eye contact in my 20s because I realized that I could be 100% honest and correct about something I was telling someone, but if I didn't make eye contact they would assume I was lying. It really aggravated me that people don't listen to what you say unless you do this one weird, uncomfortable thing.
For me, it depends. If I know the person very well I don't have a problem making and maintaining eye contact. But if it's someone I don't know quite as well, it's harder. I catch myself looking off to the side, so I'll steer my eyes towards them and make eye contact for a second or two, then look away again. As long as I'm not staring at the wall while I'm speaking I feel like I'm doing okay. And no, closeness doesn't really affect it for me.
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It's not a struggle and hasn't been since I was a child. When my parents told me I have to learn to look people in the eye when interacting with them.
Though I also can't say I can do it without some sense of discomfort. I just get through it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. With some things all you can do is to "soldier on".
Though I also can't say I can do it without some sense of discomfort. I just get through it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. With some things all you can do is to "soldier on".
I can do eye contact with family, and maybe some close friends, though usually fleetingly. Otherwise it’s confronting/uncomfortable. A sense of somewhat physical discomfort. (I also have a form of aichmophobia, which manifests as an “itching” in my eyes. It’s a bit like this.) Please don’t try to have a conversation with me if you’re going to badger me to “look at me when I’m speaking to you” - I will be concentrating on what you’re saying when I gaze off to the side. (I’ve been noticing this more now I’m retired. Perhaps a facet of masking I am losing.) Strangers on the street will say “hello” to me, at which point I will realise my gaze has lingered on them too long. This can happen in a matter of seconds. Most people seem to expect you to look at them long enough to acknowledge they are there, but not long enough to know them if you see them again? This happens to me a lot unless I make a conscious effort not to look at people. [Edit: I am usually looking at their faces, from distances of 1-2m. Eye contact may occur - maybe provoke their “greeting”?]
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Depends upon the situation. It's not something that I perceive as "difficult", per se, but rather something that can be unconscious and sometimes inappropriate given the situation.
Examples:
1. Years ago. I am in the gym working out. Now, for context, I was a national-level powerlifter. I was serious about my training. I am not a socializer. Get in, train hard, get out. Very focused. However, in between sets I would rest for 30-60 seconds, perhaps lift my head up, look around, and every now and then make some eye contact with someone. Seemed innocent enough. However, at 5'11" and 265lbs of muscle, I was perceived as "intimidating" to some people because I was looking at them. Not intentional. They never interacted with me, but a complaint was made, and I was quietly asked by the manager to not come back to that gym anymore, and my membership cancelled. Lesson there: Don't look at people while at the gym.
2. At work at the hospital. We have a big hospital with long hallways. I would see someone I was acquainted with walking towards me, well, I made the mistake of looking at them as they approached, and just as they passed me they would eye avert and "ghost" me. I could never figure out that behavior, because EVERYONE did it. What the heck was going on? These were the same people that I could have a cordial conversation with in any other circumstance. Come to find out decades later that there IS a way that is socially acceptable. Evidently, by looking at this other person as they approach, they will subconsciously sense this as "threatening behavior" and will not make eye contact with you. The proper way to approach is to not look at them directly and make eye contact until you are say, 10-20 feet away, then quickly look up, make eye contact, greet them, and then move on. The entire interaction taking only 1-2 seconds. After I learned this technique, no more issues.
3. I am an educator at a university and within the hospital. I am a mentor. So, working with students, with new employees, young physicians in training, I do spend a fair amount of my day talking to people. I have this subconscious habit of eye aversion while I am discussing topics. I will make eye contact with them initially, but once I get into "monologue mode" my eyes drift away into space. Sometimes I catch myself, sometimes I don't. I know for a fact, I keep people's attention and interaction much better if I am looking into the eyes of my students, quickly making my eyes connect with every individual in the room. However, this is a very conscious effort. It does not come naturally and as such, is not a consistent behavior with me.
I have since learned that there are many reasons why someone might eye avert, so it may not have anything to do with an underlying autism condition. In my situation, it was not understanding the social rules of how much is too much or too little, and in what circumstances. Things that "neurotypical" children seemingly pick up instinctually on their own, some of us simply never do. In my case, I was totally oblivious, and it wasn't until I was in my 50's that I learned about these things.
Examples:
1. Years ago. I am in the gym working out. Now, for context, I was a national-level powerlifter. I was serious about my training. I am not a socializer. Get in, train hard, get out. Very focused. However, in between sets I would rest for 30-60 seconds, perhaps lift my head up, look around, and every now and then make some eye contact with someone. Seemed innocent enough. However, at 5'11" and 265lbs of muscle, I was perceived as "intimidating" to some people because I was looking at them. Not intentional. They never interacted with me, but a complaint was made, and I was quietly asked by the manager to not come back to that gym anymore, and my membership cancelled. Lesson there: Don't look at people while at the gym.
2. At work at the hospital. We have a big hospital with long hallways. I would see someone I was acquainted with walking towards me, well, I made the mistake of looking at them as they approached, and just as they passed me they would eye avert and "ghost" me. I could never figure out that behavior, because EVERYONE did it. What the heck was going on? These were the same people that I could have a cordial conversation with in any other circumstance. Come to find out decades later that there IS a way that is socially acceptable. Evidently, by looking at this other person as they approach, they will subconsciously sense this as "threatening behavior" and will not make eye contact with you. The proper way to approach is to not look at them directly and make eye contact until you are say, 10-20 feet away, then quickly look up, make eye contact, greet them, and then move on. The entire interaction taking only 1-2 seconds. After I learned this technique, no more issues.
3. I am an educator at a university and within the hospital. I am a mentor. So, working with students, with new employees, young physicians in training, I do spend a fair amount of my day talking to people. I have this subconscious habit of eye aversion while I am discussing topics. I will make eye contact with them initially, but once I get into "monologue mode" my eyes drift away into space. Sometimes I catch myself, sometimes I don't. I know for a fact, I keep people's attention and interaction much better if I am looking into the eyes of my students, quickly making my eyes connect with every individual in the room. However, this is a very conscious effort. It does not come naturally and as such, is not a consistent behavior with me.
I have since learned that there are many reasons why someone might eye avert, so it may not have anything to do with an underlying autism condition. In my situation, it was not understanding the social rules of how much is too much or too little, and in what circumstances. Things that "neurotypical" children seemingly pick up instinctually on their own, some of us simply never do. In my case, I was totally oblivious, and it wasn't until I was in my 50's that I learned about these things.
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This sounds just like my interactions with people in the street. You have described it quite well. Here, in Australia, people seem to diffuse this by saying “hello”. It is not necessarily friendly but nor is it hostile.
This is a technique I taught my university students - quick eye contact with individuals in a large group. For them, it meant making contact with an individual rather than being overwhelmed by the crowd, “each individual feels you’re talking to them”, for me it was “keep them engaged but with brief-enough contact that I don’t get overwhelmed.”
I didn't get so much pushback, but when I try to make eye contact, people tell me I stare at them and that it's creepy, so I gave up on trying. Being tall and broad-shouldered might play a role. I tend to scare people off by "giving them an angry look". I don't hestitate to argue and criticise and they can probably feel that an attack is coming.
I didn't notice myself that eye contact makes a difference with students, quite the opposite, they're good at detecting when you're being fake and find it more enagaging when you're "relatable" and don't hide all your mistakes, weaknesses, oddities.
Never punch down. (I tried to find an emoticon to go here but nothing seemed appropriate.) I did not mean to criticise, but felt the relative level only applied to a subset of interactions. (Did you explicitly mean the gendered interpretation?) I think I do take your meaning.
I don't understand. Punch down? What is the gendered interpretation?
I no longer worry about it, do not look people in eye it's who I am. not worth losing sleep over.
CurlyGirl
New Member
I know it was not your intention, but your examples make me very sad.
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