Eye contact

[Martha Ferris]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this morning I have been trying to figure out how to ask this question.
How do you feel when having to make eye contact? I am asking because most people have a personal space that, when people get too close to them, they become anxious. I don't have that. People can come up to me nose to nose and I don't feel any different.
When I was taking my clinical for one of my certifications one of the exercises that we did had to do with looking into each others eyes for a long period of time. My examiner picked me to do this with. Oh yay. I could not do it. I felt invaded. I could not force myself to do it as much as I wanted to succeed. I don't remember what the purpose was for this exercise.
Then my husband at one point wanted me to do the same thing and I could not. But this time it was because I could not focus on both of his eyes at once. My focus kept jumping from one eye to the other. He became angry with me and demanded I stop doing that which I could not do.
I can make eye contact with my patients. It is a way I connect with them. A way to indicate I am present and ready to help.
Maybe in a situation where I am in control (as at work) I can do it and when I am on equal ground with someone (and vulnerable) I can't?
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it has nothing to do with being on the spctrum. I am embarrassed to even ask.

 

[Judge]

For me it was my parents who emphasized that I must learn to look people right in the eye. That otherwise I would neither be trusted or believed. Made no sense at the time, but then in our military household an order was an order.

I can do it, but it gives me no pleasure and to this day it remains an awkward thing to do.

A spectrum trait? More likely than not I suspect.

 

[Magna]

I recall Temple Grandin saying something about how she volunteered to have her brain scanned for autism research purposes and it was found that the base portion of her brain that deals with more instinctual "animalistic" survival "Fight or Flight" responses was larger than what is considered "normal".

In the animal world eye contact is often a form of aggression and challenge.

I contend that to autistic people, eye contact is often felt on an instinctual/base level as a form of aggression. Just like you, Martha, if I'm not threatened by someone (e.g. close family, etc) eye contact isn't unnerving even though it's not preferred. However in any other situation, especially if I don't know someone and for me being male, especially if it's another male, I find someone making eye contact with me to be unnerving and it feels aggressive. If another man makes sustained eye contact with me it initiates my feelings of fight or flight. Not good at all.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Eye contact for me created a feeling that I was being judged, and I never associated anything positive about that.

 

[LadyS]

For me, I can make eye contact while listening to someone else. Moreso if I already know them well. But when I'm talking I can't. I'm not sure why. It's like fidgeting, I can't keep my eyes still, same with my hands. Stimming with my eyes ?

 

[Jordy]

I recall Temple Grandin saying something about how she volunteered to have her brain scanned for autism research purposes and it was found that the base portion of her brain that deals with more instinctual "animalistic" survival "Fight or Flight" responses was larger than what is considered "normal".

In the animal world eye contact is often a form of aggression and challenge.

I contend that to autistic people, eye contact is often felt on an instinctual/base level as a form of aggression. Just like you, Martha, if I'm not threatened by someone (e.g. close family, etc) eye contact isn't unnerving even though it's not preferred. However in any other situation, especially if I don't know someone and for me being male, especially if it's another male, I find someone making eye contact with me to be unnerving and it feels aggressive. If another man makes sustained eye contact with me it initiates my feelings of fight or flight. Not good at all.

A lot of people find sustained eye contact from strangers unnerving.

For me its that i feel put on the spot and need to act normal to hide my weird self. When some stranger says something to me and looks me in the eye I suddenly have to start moving my face and quickly think of something to reply with. My face is usually a completely blank expression, making expressions is manual, awkward and uncomfortable. I don't have any issue with making eye contact with my family tho.

 

[DogzSpirit]

For me, it's all about whom is in front of me.

Some people I do eye contact with, but I have to feel something aside from business, to seek that give and take connection out. I can really like eye contact or hate it... depends on the person in front of me.

I have been told, by my husband that when I do not look at someone, it shows I am n to interested. Well hmmm in all those cases something about them definitely was dull and didn't interest me. I wonder about that to myself and do not share that with husband, for I do redirect eye contact when he begins debate mode... it is a real effort to put on a fake act and look. Sunglasses are great lol.. no one knows if you are looking or not, and you can even close or roll your eyes if need be... grin.

It happens a lot when someone's dog is present, I make plenty of eye contact with the dog. lol lol.. yeah they are interesting and very pure in nature. Their owner not so much so, unless I see 'pure' traits in that person and their words. Drives husband nuts; "Did you realize you simply commented on what was being said as you fussed over their dog, you never looked at them?" No actually, I didn't realize that.

If I like ya, I will definitely try to connect with eye contact instinctively, sometimes intensely, for that is a form of communication/connection with me. Note: It is not a demand for someone to do the same, I am most understanding if someone speaks without that eye contact in return, its a write of, more of who they are as they gather their thoughts, for that is what I have also done. I never home in on a persons quirks as a negative.

@Magna I am not afraid of eye contact, and on the other point made regarding aggression and eye contact: I have been told by several people... "If looks could kill that guy would be dead" in regards to using eye contact as a warning to others. I find it an effective tool when used in a calm and premeditated manner. I am definitely not an easy mark, most people get one warning, eye and then verbal (just in case they didn't get the visual), before they are finished in my book. However if what they are doing is an area of concern in area of 'Justice' (think unethical behavior), that is usually reported to a higher (courts/state/admin) level to deal with them.
Yeah eye contact can be used as an aggression.

 

[Misery]

Most of the time I refuse to do it. Because screw it, that's why.

I mean, really, it's just unpleasant, and much of the time I also just dont see the point. If someone is going to get so very bothered by it that they dont want to deal with me... they werent much of a friend to begin with.

I do make an occasional exception if I'm dealing with a store clerk or something. Why? Because I've worked retail before: I dont need to make their day worse than it already is.

It happens a lot when someone's dog is present, I make plenty of eye contact with the dog. lol lol.. yeah they are interesting and very pure in nature.

Yeah, same here, heh. I've no trouble with eye/physical contact with animals. Both dogs and cats. I get along very well with both (usually). And I hear that eye contact with a dog is important somehow for them, I want our bond to be a good one, so they get plenty of it from me.

Besides, how could I avoid looking at that lovely face?

Though the bigger of my two dogs, Cooper, has an odd reaction to it. If I look him right in the eyes when sitting near him, he'll slowly get closer... and closer... and closer... very slowly... and then the slobbering begins, because of course it does.

 

[Judge]

Though the bigger of my two dogs, Cooper, has an odd reaction to it. If I look him right in the eyes when sitting near him, he'll slowly get closer... and closer... and closer... very slowly... and then the slobbering begins, because of course it does.

It's true. In those circumstances it's likely part of the process of your dog bonding with you.

Though the reciprocal would be a complete stranger staring into their eyes, which would likely evoke a hostile bark from many dogs. I've experienced both many times from dogs I owned, and those that I didn't even know.

 

[DogzSpirit]

Yeah, same here, heh. I've no trouble with eye/physical contact with animals. Both dogs and cats. I get along very well with both (usually). And I hear that eye contact with a dog is important somehow for them, I want our bond to be a good one, so they get plenty of it from me.

Besides, how could I avoid looking at that lovely face?

Though the bigger of my two dogs, Cooper, has an odd reaction to it. If I look him right in the eyes when sitting near him, he'll slowly get closer... and closer... and closer... very slowly... and then the slobbering begins, because of course it does.

Love it... woof!

 

[Nervous Rex]

I can do it, but it gives me no pleasure and to this day it remains an awkward thing to do.

Exact same here. When I was 19, I read something about eye contact being essential for social interactions and communication, so I started practicing it then. I thought I found a cheat when I would stare at people's foreheads or between their eyes, but my wife told me a few years ago that she always knew when I did that.

So, I can make direct eye contact, but it's always uncomfortable and I count the seconds until I can break contact (I usually shoot for 2 - 3 seconds).

 

[Nervous Rex]

I used to wonder why people always assumed I was lying when I said something. I realized much later in life that it's because I wouldn't make eye contact. Apparently avoiding someone's gaze = lying.

I just read "Talking to Strangers" by Malcolm Gladwell. He describes some studies to determine how good people are at identifying liars (spoiler: Everyone is terrible at it). People watch for certain signs. Someone can lie through their teeth and give those signs, and they will be believed. Hitler flat-out lied to Chamberlain and Chamberlain believed him, because Hitler was so warm and sociable. Same with Bernie Madoff suckering thousands of people.

People can tell the truth and not give those signs, and they will be suspected. Amanda Knox was immediately suspected of murder, convicted, and jailed because she didn't give off the right signs. It was years later that she was exonerated, when someone finally followed the evidence instead of just deciding that she "acted guilty".

When I read this book, it hit me hard that I don't - and never will - give off the right signs. In Gladwell's terms, I don't "match" people's expectations.

 

[jleeb05]

Most of the time I refuse to do it. Because screw it, that's why.

I mean, really, it's just unpleasant, and much of the time I also just dont see the point. If someone is going to get so very bothered by it that they dont want to deal with me... they werent much of a friend to begin with.

I do make an occasional exception if I'm dealing with a store clerk or something. Why? Because I've worked retail before: I dont need to make their day worse than it already is.



Yeah, same here, heh. I've no trouble with eye/physical contact with animals. Both dogs and cats. I get along very well with both (usually). And I hear that eye contact with a dog is important somehow for them, I want our bond to be a good one, so they get plenty of it from me.

Besides, how could I avoid looking at that lovely face?

Though the bigger of my two dogs, Cooper, has an odd reaction to it. If I look him right in the eyes when sitting near him, he'll slowly get closer... and closer... and closer... very slowly... and then the slobbering begins, because of course it does.

I don't mind looking my dog in the eye but she seems to have figured out that I find her staring at me very unnerving haha. When she wants something she will plop down in front of me and just silently stare. I find it very unpleasant and frustrating so I usually get up to figure out what it is she wants.

As far as people, I think I had a more difficult time looking people in the eyes when I was younger. It doesn't bother me much anymore though I still find it uncomfortable with certain people. I don't know what makes these people different but I sometimes wonder if I'm picking up on some weird vibes. The most difficult part for me is trying to figure out when to look someone in the eye and when to look away. For example, I usually give a polite nod when I pass someone on the street but as they approach, I sometimes feel that I'm glaring at them, waiting for them to look at me so I can do my nod and not appear rude.

It's even worse if I find someone attractive. I will basically stare a hole into them.

 

[Rasputin]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this morning I have been trying to figure out how to ask this question.
How do you feel when having to make eye contact? I am asking because most people have a personal space that, when people get too close to them, they become anxious. I don't have that. People can come up to me nose to nose and I don't feel any different.
When I was taking my clinical for one of my certifications one of the exercises that we did had to do with looking into each others eyes for a long period of time. My examiner picked me to do this with. Oh yay. I could not do it. I felt invaded. I could not force myself to do it as much as I wanted to succeed. I don't remember what the purpose was for this exercise.
Then my husband at one point wanted me to do the same thing and I could not. But this time it was because I could not focus on both of his eyes at once. My focus kept jumping from one eye to the other. He became angry with me and demanded I stop doing that which I could not do.
I can make eye contact with my patients. It is a way I connect with them. A way to indicate I am present and ready to help.
Maybe in a situation where I am in control (as at work) I can do it and when I am on equal ground with someone (and vulnerable) I can't?
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it has nothing to do with being on the spctrum. I am embarrassed to even ask.

I can maintain eye contact if I need to, but it feels awkward. I have noticed that when I am walking at work, I tend to keep my head down to avoid interactions. I have to make an effort to acknowledge people I know.

Recently a friend confided some personal issues to me, and I noticed he avoided eye contact with me.

 

[Aspychata]

So what l read was males like to sit side by side,(no direct eye contact). Females like to sit across from each other. Probably a NT study.

Myself, l have good and bad days. If l really dislike you, l don't want to your eyes. Sorry. At anytime. If l really like you, l do it your way. It's okay, l am flexible.

 

[Aspychata]

So what l read was males like to sit side by side,(no direct eye contact). Females like to sit across from each other. Probably a NT study.

Myself, l have good and bad days. If l really dislike you, l don't want to look in your eyes. Sorry. At anytime. If l really like you, l do it your way. It's okay, l am flexible.

 

[Tom]

For me context matters. In certain cultures direct eye contact is a good sign, in others it's bad and can signal danger. But naturally I tend not to like extended eye contact and prefer glances to an away. When I am thinking, as in what to say next, I seem to need to stare into nothing.

 

[clg114]

It does not bother me to make eye contact, I just do not normally do it. Before I retired, I always made sure that I made eye contact with my customers. If I didn't, they thought that I was not listening to them. So in the interest of customer relations, I always made eye contact with them.

 

[The Lorax]

Just look at people's cheeks or 1 eyeball in height below their eyes.

Eye contact means you are paying attention and devoting part of your time to someone else's conversation. So when ASDs don't look NTs feel like they are being ignored.

Almost all NTs are not educated in neurological disorders. That is why you get such negative push back on the eye contact thing. Cheeks!!

I am an NT and it is infuriating I get poo-pooed when I explain how neurotransmitters work on mood, motivation, and happiness to other NTs that have normal levels. I get the old Tony Robbins answer.My son and spouse have ASD+ADD+depression. I have read a lot on neurology.

 

[Nairobi]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this morning I have been trying to figure out how to ask this question.
How do you feel when having to make eye contact? I am asking because most people have a personal space that, when people get too close to them, they become anxious. I don't have that. People can come up to me nose to nose and I don't feel any different.
When I was taking my clinical for one of my certifications one of the exercises that we did had to do with looking into each others eyes for a long period of time. My examiner picked me to do this with. Oh yay. I could not do it. I felt invaded. I could not force myself to do it as much as I wanted to succeed. I don't remember what the purpose was for this exercise.
Then my husband at one point wanted me to do the same thing and I could not. But this time it was because I could not focus on both of his eyes at once. My focus kept jumping from one eye to the other. He became angry with me and demanded I stop doing that which I could not do.
I can make eye contact with my patients. It is a way I connect with them. A way to indicate I am present and ready to help.
Maybe in a situation where I am in control (as at work) I can do it and when I am on equal ground with someone (and vulnerable) I can't?
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it has nothing to do with being on the spctrum. I am embarrassed to even ask.

It might depend on the situation?? I say that because I think I have learned to glance enough at the eyes to seem like I am making enough eye contact - but I don't know how I come off in general, so who knows. So maybe there are times I am doing it and have no issue at all - I don't know. But what I do know is when it is uncomfortable, the reason is because it feels way too intense and intimate - it feels very, very intimate, so it feels inappropriate with most people - and I find the visual information very distracting, I zero in on how their eyes look, the color, etc - it's like gazing into the eyes of a significant other for me, and it's a harder job to hear everything they are saying when I have to block out the thoughts I am having about how their eyes look. It's also a bit weird, as though the eyes are the windows of the soul, I feel I have no business looking there. I do it anyways sometimes - but then I don't know if I am giving a creepy stare.