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eye contact

A

Aspergers_Aspie

Well-Known Member
A few years ago in the autism charity drop-in I was attending before covid restrictions. I had been using the service for roughly 6 years. And in that 6 years no-one had said anything to me about my eye contact, no one ever has outside the autism charity drop-in either. A member of staff said to me I was using too much eye contact in a chat I was having with him. I don't know if that was appropriate of him to say that. And I was born this way, I am happy with me and don't feel I need to apologise for me being me. I struggle sometimes having enough or too less eye contact but before the member of staff said that to me I wasn't aware some people have a problem with it. If someone is being friendly while chatting to someone I don't think too much or too little eye-contact should matter.
 
I guess, because there are some who pretend to be on the autism spectrum and why the staff person said that, especially since it is a known fact, that we struggle with eye contact.

Actually, I have improved, since discovering the reason why I have struggled so much to maintain eye contact, to the extent, that people's heads seem to get bigger and it was so frightening. Also, I felt like I was being swollowed into their eye pupils and I suppose that was due to hyper staring.

As long as the person does not talk too much, I can now, maintain eye contact. But, if I am upset, or angry, suddenly eye contact doesn't exist.
 
Aspergers_Aspie said:
If someone is being friendly while chatting to someone I don't think too much or too little eye-contact should matter.
Click to expand...

A person's inability to sustain eye contact is about them- not about you. Being "friendly" may not be enough.

I had to literally "learn" to maintain eye contact. I was sternly told by my parents that it could be misinterpreted as a sign of lying or deception. How did they know? Because I had difficulty looking my own parents in the eyes as well. So much for being friendly or familiar.

In those six years for you, up to now some may have been too intimidated to speak up. And at a venue that is presumed to be a "safe" one for autistic people, I can see why a staff member approached you to ask you to be more considerate. So someone finally spoke up. That's all.

However you don't need to apologize. But you should be mindful- and considerate of those who do not have equal abilities in eye contact. That some may eventually attain your comfort level of doing so, while others may have to deal with a lifetime of awkwardness when it comes to direct and sustained eye contact.
 
Suzanne said:
I guess, because there are some who pretend to be on the autism spectrum and why the staff person said that, especially since it is a known fact, that we struggle with eye contact.

Actually, I have improved, since discovering the reason why I have struggled so much to maintain eye contact, to the extent, that people's heads seem to get bigger and it was so frightening. Also, I felt like I was being swollowed into their eye pupils and I suppose that was due to hyper staring.

As long as the person does not talk too much, I can now, maintain eye contact. But, if I am upset, or angry, suddenly eye contact doesn't exist.
Click to expand...

I don't know if the charity drop-in accepts 'self-diagnosed' aspies, in theory someone could try and to pretend to have aspergers. I have had a confirmed aspergers diagnosis.
 
Judge said:
A person's inability to sustain eye contact is about them- not about you. Being "friendly" may not be enough.

I had to literally "learn" to maintain eye contact. I was sternly told by my parents that it could be misinterpreted as a sign of lying or
deception. How did they know?
Because I had difficulty looking my own parents in the eyes as well. So much for being friendly or familiar.

In those six years for you, up to now some may have been too intimidated
to speak up. And at a venue that is presumed to be a "safe" one for autistic people, I can see why a staff member approached you to ask you to be more considerate. So someone finally spoke up. That's all.


However you don't need to apologize. But you should be mindful- and considerate of those who do not have equal abilities in eye contact. That
some may eventually attain your comfort level of doing so, while others may have to deal with a lifetime of awkwardness when it comes to direct and sustained eye contact.
Click to expand...


I'm not breaking any laws or any autism centre rules so have a clear
conscious and therefore won't stop accesing the drop-ins when they are up and running again
 
Aspergers_Aspie said:
I'm not breaking any laws or any autism centre rules so have a clear
conscious and therefore won't stop accesing the drop-ins when they are up and running again
Click to expand...

That's fine. Just be cognizant- and considerate of other people's traits and behaviors. That theirs may not be so malleable as are yours- or mine.
 
Judge said:
That's fine. Just be cognizant- and considerate of other people's traits and behaviors. That theirs may not be so malleable as are yours- or mine.
Click to expand...

'Just be cognizant- and considerate of other people's traits and behaviors'

Also you could have written 'Maybe be cognizant- and considerate of
other people's traits and behaviors'

But I'm not going to apologise for being me for having a friendly chat with someone
 
Last edited:
Aspergers_Aspie said:
A few years ago in the autism charity drop-in I was attending before covid restrictions. I had been using the service for roughly 6 years. And in that 6 years no-one had said anything to me about my eye contact, no one ever has outside the autism charity drop-in either. A member of staff said to me I was using too much eye contact in a chat I was having with him. I don't know if that was appropriate of him to say that. And I was born this way, I am happy with me and don't feel I need to apologise for me being me. I struggle sometimes having enough or too less eye contact but before the member of staff said that to me I wasn't aware some people have a problem with it. If someone is being friendly while chatting to someone I don't think too much or too little eye-contact should matter.
Click to expand...

I've noticed that a lot of people don't make eye contact in conversations. They look anywhere but in your face. Several people pointed out to me that I stare and make them feel uncomfortable.
 
I think the staff member could have thought they were helping you, although I don't think they should have said that without offering useful context.

Using a lot of eye contact is what some people who have difficulties using eye contact including aspies do when they talk, actually, and maybe he thought you were trying out a strategy and wanted to help.

However he didn't explain that this was his intention, so like most of us would have, you ended up puzzled and hurt.
 
Thinx said:
I think the staff member could have thought they were helping you, although I don't think they should have said that
without offering useful context.
Using a lot of eye contact is what some people who have difficulties
using eye contact including aspies do when they talk, actually, and maybe
he thought you were trying out a
strategy and wanted to help.
However he didn't explain that this was his intention, so like most of us would have, you ended up puzzled
and hurt.
Click to expand...

Thank you. What you said makes sense and could explain it.
 
I'm horrible at eye contact. LOL. I have tried so hard to do it, but it is just impossible for me. It's almost painful to make eye contact though, honestly.
 
That person was rude. You went there for support and they made you feel self conscious and so much so that you needed to come here for comfort. IGNORE HIM. We support you. You are perfect the way you are and s/he will just have to deal with it :)
 
Me i never been able to look someone straight in the eyes and will most likely never be . As most arond me know im on the spectrum etc... noone reacts to this in my case . & if someone does i just explain and inform them im on the spectrum and so on and im afraid i cant look you look you straight in the eyes.

NEVER EVER feel that you must apologize for being you . If others cant accept you as you then thats their problem not youres. I would NEVER apologise for any part of who and what & how i am Simple as that.
 
Sarah S said:
Me i never been able to look someone straight in the eyes and will most likely never be . As most arond me know im on
the spectrum etc... noone reacts to this in my case . & if someone does i just explain and inform them
im on the spectrum and so on and
im afraid i cant look you look you straight in the eyes.

NEVER EVER feel that you must apologize for being you . If others
cant accept you as you then thats their problem not youres. I would NEVER apologise for any part of
who and what & how i am Simple as that.
Click to expand...

Thank you!
 
I can do eye contact or not, depending on the situation (familiarity, level of overwhelm etc.) Sometimes I find it difficult to look people in the eye, and sometimes I stare like a creeper. Either way, I have no idea what's the "right" way to do eye contact.

If I think about it (which I usually don't, because I've stopped giving a rip about stuff like this that I can't really control) I have no idea how to do eye contact. Am I supposed to stare at the right eye or the left one? Switch between the two? Crap, look away, they'll think I'm flirting! Now do they think I'm lying? Crap, what were we talking about? I've been so focused on whether or not I'm doing eye contact right that I have no idea what they were saying.

Like many I had it drilled into me as a child that "if you don't look me in the eye it means you're lying". Of course it doesn't.

As for the person who said you make "too much eye contact" I'm not sure what they mean. I'm pretty sure eye contact has to be a mutual thing - i.e. you can't force someone to participate in it, so if it's uncomfortable for them, THEY are free to look away.

It's a well known "fact" that autistic people can't make eye contact. (But as we all know, that's wrong. SOME autistic people can't make eye contact. Some of us can. And some of us do it badly.) Maybe they thought you were faking autism?

Either way, the fact that we're all here trying to figure out what they meant means that whatever they were attempting to convey wasn't effective. That's not your fault, that's on them, so I'd say don't worry about it.
 
I don't understand why a couple of people have mentioned maybe faking aspergers. I got a confirmed diagnosis! Is it just me or am I missing something
 
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