Eye contact?

[Jade1498]

Hiya I’m new here and wanted to ask a question about eye contact. I am not diagnosed but am on the waiting list but I had to beg to get on it all the gps I have seen have said they won’t refer me as they don’t think I have it. However, one big give away for me I think is ... eye contact. I just can not do it ! It’s so painful I could cry after it I’m terrified of it I spend my whole days thinking about it and when I see someone in the street my whole body tenses up as I know if I looked them in the eyes I would make them so uncomfortable, I’m not scared of speaking to them as generally I don’t find conversations hard yes I get anxiety about some convos for example with men I find attractive but it’s the eye contact that is horrible for me

I am wanting to get a look in as to what your experiences are with eye contact -
do you find it painful?
Do you make other people uncomfortable when you look at them (as in they squirm)?
Can you make eye contact with anyone?
Is eye contact more uncomfortable when your in an uncomfortable environment?

for example I find eye contact horrible in a one on one setting across the table?

after I have a conversation with someone I feel like crying as the eye contact is so bad

 

[Nitro]

Hi Jade

 

[GadAbout]

Hi Jade. I don't have difficulty with eye contact, but I'm sure many forum members do.

 

[Tom]

I certainly always have avoided it in general except for very brief glances. I think the reason for the short contacts is to not let them think I am avoiding them or not paying attention. I also wish to keep track of what is going on with the other person's facial expression. Whether instinctual or learned I vary from the standard list of symptons in that respect. But if the eye contact lasts (with people I do not know very well and strangers in particular) I feel uncomfortable and maybe a little vunerable/exposed. Maybe it is that as an Aspie I am nearly always masking and direct eye contact feels like it bypasses the mask.

 

[Jade1498]

I certainly always have avoided it in general except for very brief glances. I think the reason for the short contacts is to not let them think I am avoiding them or not paying attention.

but do you find that the person you make eye contact with is uncomfortable? And avoids conversation with u so that they don’t have to look into your eyes

 

[Jade1498]

Hi Jade. I don't have difficulty with eye contact, but I'm sure many forum members do.

Thanks for your reply

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

I don't have difficulty with eye contact either, but is does vary from person to person, as with anything

 

[Tom]

but do you find that the person you make eye contact with is uncomfortable? And avoids conversation with u so that they don’t have to look into your eyes

Occasionally, but it usually is accompanied by other body language/nervousness that suggests they have some issue with eye contact themselves, as I do. I would say a majority of people do not seem uncomfortable with or avoid eye contact. But not a great majority. Something like 70% as a wild guess.

 

[Varzar]

but do you find that the person you make eye contact with is uncomfortable? And avoids conversation with u so that they don’t have to look into your eyes

Hi Jade! Welcome to the forums!

I have difficulty making and holding eye contact with people. Much like @Tom, I can do short glances, to make them think I am not just talking to the table or the wall..
My difficulty with eye contact is worse with people who are less familiar to me, worse with people who have a very fixed gaze, and worse if the topic of conversation is of a sensitive nature. My wife is the only person I can sustain eye contact with for more than a few seconds..

I've never noticed anyone being uncomfortable with me looking at them... But, perhaps that's cause I can't look at them that much to notice...?

Also, understand how you feel about that too.. I guess I don't feel like crying about it.. But, just the other day I decided to tell my cousin and her daughter about my AS. This was uncomfortable for me to talk about, so I found myself mostly staring at the table while telling them.. Afterwards (actually even during), I was very irritated with myself for not being able to just *LOOK* at them!! Ok, I'm still irritated about it..

 

[Au Naturel]

Eye contact was always a big issue when I'd apply for a job. I'd do too much or not enough or maybe at the wrong times. It is one of those things everyone else around me just did instinctively but I really had no clue about. All I knew was that some eye contact was required supposedly to build a personal bond, to appear confident, etc.

You need to look into this. That level of anxiety isn't something to be coexisted with. It may (or may not) be an Asperger related symptom but it is way way too debilitating to allow it to continue unchallenged.

 

[Fino]

It makes me very uncomfortable!

 

[Major Tom]

Welcome to the forums. I was "taught" that not making eye contact indicates someone is lying, so from an early age I learned I had better look my parents in the eyes or risk a belt or wooden spoon to the rear.

While that somewhat worked, I wouldn't advise it and yes, making eye contact is still uncomfortable for me. That's just a small part of the picture though. There are a lot more pieces to the puzzle than painful eye contact.

Good luck and again welcome.

 

[Bellacat]

It makes my stomach twist.

My preference would be to stare off into space so I can focus all my attention on what the other person is saying, but since that's not considered proper conversation etiquette, I've learned to "cheat" by moving my eyes around different parts of their face near their eyes, with only short glances at the eyes themselves and taking breaks to look around the room as well.

Having to keep control over where my eyes are focused is one thing, but also maintaining proper body language, facial expressions, voice tone, waiting for my turn to speak (and not forgetting what I wanted to say while listening to them), etc. are all factors that make conversations extremely tiring.

 

[SusanLR]

Eye contact was always uncomfortable for me.
I can't concentrate on what the person is saying if I have to make eye contact while listening
and I can't concentrate on what I'm trying to say either.
Face to face I do a few seconds of eye contact. That's about all I can stand.
It doesn't make me feel like crying, just doesn't feel natural.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Yes I have always found I prefer not to make much eye contact. I can, usually, but prefer not to. I can fake it enough to get by. I would suggest you could also work on self esteem issues, not to improve your eye contact, just to care less and worry less about this, hey it's your choice and it's not a crime. I did a lot of therapy over the years to care less and be more comfortable, it was often challenging but I m glad I persevered.

Also, in terms of the wider issues of possible high autistic traits or Aspergers, there's online tests you could do, and some interesting articles or books about girls and women on the spectrum, and how they are often missed and misdiagnosed. Try Jessica Kingsley publishers for books about this and autism generally. Authors Sarah Hendrickx, Rudy Simone, and many others. Also Google women with Autism on Amazon.

I hope you enjoy it here and find support and information, this is a friendly place (with zero eye contact, yay!).

 

[Jade1498]

You need to look into this. That level of anxiety isn't something to be coexisted with. It may (or may not) be an Asperger related symptom but it is way way too debilitating to allow it to continue unchallenged.

I am trying to sort it out it’s a big insecurity of mine, I’ve not always been like this - I don’t think anyway - i have good and bad days. some days I can do it sometimes I can’t, but let me tell you the anxiety I feel about it is unbelievable I don’t even have to look into their eyes if I see someone come from round a corner my body goes numb and I feel unbelievable fear even looking at their arm because I’m scared I’m going to meet their gaze, I think I’m at the point in life where I don’t want to continue living due to this, I was just wondering if other people with Asperger feel this fear when looking at people and whether other people feel it when looking at them or whether I’m barking down the wrong tree

 

[Jade1498]

Hi and welcome. Yes I have always found I prefer not to make much eye contact. I can, usually, but prefer not to. I can fake it enough to get by.

do you feel anything when you make it, like uncomfortable? or do you find you just Don’t feel the need to make eye contact cos u don’t need to do it to understand the conversation?

cause with me it’s a hard one I have the urge to look at them while talking but it’s completely awful if I do

 

[Jade1498]

You need to look into this. That level of anxiety isn't something to be coexisted with. It may (or may not) be an Asperger related symptom but it is way way too debilitating to allow it to continue unchallenged.

Honestly I do I feel worthless I have so much good in my life but due to this I just don’t see the point in it, I feel as though my partner should leave me cos we can’t go out to eat as this is when I’m at my worst - I just don’t know where to go for help

 

[Progster]

I can make eye contact briefly, but find it uncomfortable/too intense to maintain for any length or time. I avoid it if I can.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I guess, as with most things - practice makes perfect. If you encounter something that makes you anxious; rather than avoiding it - you have to face it. Repetition will eventually reduce anxiety. It might not rid it entirely, but you can get to a point where you feel less tense.

One way to approach it, is to smile when you meet someone's gaze. Eventually this can become instinctual. It can reduce the anxiety around meeting people's gaze, because if you're smiling - their face will often do the same. That way it should feel less intimidating in time.

Ed