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Excessively complimenting people

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
I tend to compliment people a lot. In the middle of a conversation I will say that the conversation is good, or that they have good points. If I notice some interesting piece of clothing (like octopus socks) I will compliment people on that and even during family dinner I will compliment the cook on a good meal. I will also compliment people I don't know at all if I think they warrant it. If you look through my posts on the forum, you can even see quite a bit of complimenting going on (though in my case, it's mostly through the karma system). I am genuine in all my complimenting, and some of it might have been trained from my time as HR director and president of a local chapter in a volunteer organization.

My main reasons for the compliments are that I like being appreciated, and in turn I think other people should be for their achievements, I want people to like me (a problem, I know) and complimenting is one of the "safest" way to have a positive engagement, and finally I often use compliments in a discussion where I disagree with someone to show that the disagreement does not lie with the person but rather with the arguments.

Are other people on the forums serial complimenters? Do you perhaps really dislike it or have a different perspective on compliments? I'm curious to learn more from you brilliant people (meant genuinely as a lot of you have really smart points or interesting perspectives).
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
I compliment people a lot in my teaching and counseling. In everyday social situations, not so much. I do gratuitously give compliments through the karma system, as well, though.
 

Bolletje

Overly complicated potato
V.I.P Member
I engage in serial complimenting too. It’s partially one of my learned masking behaviors, partially because I’m just a friendly person and I giving a compliment because making other people feel good makes me feel good.
I think I’ve only gotten a negative response once, from my boyfriend’s cousin who said “Why are you complimenting me every time you see me? It’s weird. Stop it.”. That made me insecure about my compliments for a while. But most people tell me I am very thoughtful and kind, so I choose to believe the majority.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Is it Excessive though? Where's the research on that? Both on the complimenter and the complimented? Sounds like you mostly have reason for the compliment that involves achievements or behaviours of the other person that you take the trouble to notice and remark on. It maybe you do that more than most, but that doesn’t in itself make it excessive.

There's certainly lots of evidence that giving positive feedback to people encourages them and helps build confidence, which tends towards them achieving better outcomes. I can't myself imagine hesitating to do that on the grounds I may be what, hoping people like me? Why is that wrong?

I think we live in a social world that is short on such positive behaviours, and some of us are good at making up for the grumpies and the miseries and the hard to please and the oblivious. Go for it.
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I am like that and for the reason to, but hey, no surprise there, eh?

I do not see it as a problem though, because we live in a cold world, so it is lovely to cheer someone up and I find that if, just by chance, I happen to be in a group talk ( more so in the past), if I wanted to compliment one, I would endeavour to find something positive with others, because I find it awkward when I am with people and only one gets compliments. I feel if one cannot find any thing to compliment all in the group, then it should be refrained until that person is alone with the one they want to say something positive.

I have two progressive bible studies ( my faith) and am always commending them for being proactive outside of our studies and I am loving being a teacher of the bible.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
I compliment people when it’s deserved, although I think we live in such a cruel, apathetic society that we should probably put more emphasis on being kind and friendly.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
What an interesting thread. Im just on my learning path of complimenting others.

To me is not something natural. My natural way is to spot mistakes and problems and try to solve them. That does work with machines and proccess but doesnt work with people.

I feel strange when I recieve compliments, like a focus is put on me. I spend a lot of time downing myself to avoid that focus, joking about myself... So when I recieve more than the neccesary compliments I feel something more must be going on.

When I compliment others It may sound strange to them. I may compliment them in a wrong way, out of time, too loud or in any other wrong way. Even when I do it from heart, it may be unnapropiate, like: "What a badass tattoo you have under your blouse" :D

So I try to learn from people who do it naturally. The good thing of doing things badly is that there is a long path to enjoy improvement. :)
 

GrownupGirl

Tempermental Artist
V.I.P Member
I live in a country where people have a reputation for being polite, but sometimes I worry I say thank you too much. Like when I say"thank you" when I pay the cashier for my groceries when I should say "you're welcome" when she thanks me for paying. The fact that I have to pay for food which is something people need in order to survive makes me think I should be saying "thanks for nothing". But then they'd think I was a total Karen.
And then there's my mom. I thank her all the time, but sometimes worry about that, because sometimes you should really do more than just say thank you to the most important woman of your whole life.:)
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Certain people just get me started because they tickle and rock my world. Hugs and compliments just flow if very close to me. Sometimes being focused on the negative just doesn't accomplish anything, so it's important to focus on a compliment. Sometimes validating people and how they feel is a zen compliment. They needed to be heard at that exact instant to continue on. I have met so many adult children who were never validated, or stunted emotionally in their childhood and struggle. The adults have so many bad messages that it is like the Berlin Wall, which did come down. Compliments are the social mocha latte we survive on.:)

But l don't want to over do it.
 
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Irakus34

Just someone else in this world.
I've never thought if my way of complimenting people is excessive, weird or bothersome until I read your comment to be honest. I'm a person who likes to make others feel good as exactly what you said, especially I know how cool is to receive compliments for your appearance after getting dressed, for your hard work after long journeys or just a simple nice comment when talking, so I find those possitive emotions into others through my compliments. It's true that if I look back, I do tend to do so in awkward moments (as I'm not very good at finding such), but I've only had the bad experience of NT people thinking I was flirting with them just by being honest with what I like about them. That also made me stop doing them constantly because I wanted to avoid such disgusting (I'm away of all related to that subject) answers back when it wasn't my purpose. However, lately I'm doing them back because as my teacher says "we're always criticizing and badmouthing about others, never saying the good stuff about anyone".

I understood there's nothing wrong with complimenting genuinely, that just makes someone's day a bit better.
 

Nervous Rex

High-functioning autistic
V.I.P Member
What a great thread. I give compliments for various reasons:

About 30 years ago I read a sermon where the speaker believed that it's a sin to withhold a compliment when one is due. I did my best to internalize that.

I compliment youth that I think need to be built up and have more confidence. I know parents nearby who aren't very complimentary. I try to compliment their kids to build them up some.

Credit where credit is due - I like to point out good ideas or good work from my coworkers.

Social rules are hard. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out the rules behind social interactions. One rule that works in all situations is: be kind. I don't think of it as masking (though I have no problem if others do) - I think of it as finding the rules that work and following them.
 

Nervous Rex

High-functioning autistic
V.I.P Member
I don't think of it as masking (though I have no problem if others do) - I think of it as finding the rules that work and following them.

Off topic: I'm waffling on this. If I have to consciously follow a rule to achieve what others do naturally or instinctively, then maybe it is masking.

Now back to your regularly scheduled topic...
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I find it hard complementing people, but I surprised myself in April that I wrote about here. A woman on a flight to Bangkok was wearing a striking outfit that I thought was pretty and assembled with care, so I complemented her for it. I think it was taken positively, but yet I was flustered by my uncharateristic action. Still, I felt good about being kind, as when I sometimes dress nicely I do not think I am noticed.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I tend to compliment people a lot. In the middle of a conversation I will say that the conversation is good, or that they have good points. If I notice some interesting piece of clothing (like octopus socks) I will compliment people on that and even during family dinner I will compliment the cook on a good meal. I will also compliment people I don't know at all if I think they warrant it. If you look through my posts on the forum, you can even see quite a bit of complimenting going on (though in my case, it's mostly through the karma system). I am genuine in all my complimenting, and some of it might have been trained from my time as HR director and president of a local chapter in a volunteer organization.

My main reasons for the compliments are that I like being appreciated, and in turn I think other people should be for their achievements, I want people to like me (a problem, I know) and complimenting is one of the "safest" way to have a positive engagement, and finally I often use compliments in a discussion where I disagree with someone to show that the disagreement does not lie with the person but rather with the arguments.

Are other people on the forums serial complimenters? Do you perhaps really dislike it or have a different perspective on compliments? I'm curious to learn more from you brilliant people (meant genuinely as a lot of you have really smart points or interesting perspectives).

My compliment to you is a gold star for your great thread, as I really like genuine, wise and nice people. I would not say I compliment others too much though, but the right amount. My compliments are sincere whenever I give such at the time, but this does not mean my feelings can ever change a bit there, if subsequent exchanges show someone in a different light. Generally though, saying nice things about persons, things and my experiences in life is more common than not for me, as I saw the pain growing up when I was obsessively negative, when my functioning and life was awful then, and when I did not get many compliments and wanted friends or to be liked then.

As well, in my 20's, 30's and 40's I focused on techniques to make me worry less, build my self-esteem and to think more positively about everything, so it seems natural for me now to treat others well and with respect, using my actions, efforts and some compliments to show that. What I say to others is what I mean at the time, good, neutral or bad, as I do not hold many feelings in, and believe honesty is good, if done the right way, and knowing I am often fair in what I say. Overall though, I am now more positive and see the good in all, and want others to feel their best and be their best. So, I try to treat others the way I'd want to be treated. We need more persons like the op, and others here who do that with good nature and intent.
 

Yeshuasdaughter

You know, that one lady we met that one time.
V.I.P Member
I do complement people a lot. I have a friend who says I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't know what that phrase means, really. But what I do know is that my feelings are very close to the surface, and sort of overwhelming. So like, I'll feel so much joy when I'm around someone, I have to say how I feel, because it's just too much to hold inside.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
A lesson I learned as a child. Thanks to a fictional television character named Eddie Haskell.

Asking my mother why this creepy kid always tells Mrs. Cleaver how lovely she looks.

And how Mrs. Cleaver wasn't so flattered. o_O
 

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