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EX is dating her best friends abusive ex. What do I do?

A

Artchaser

MakeItStop
So here I am again.. after 3 months I finally found out. And this hurts even more than before.

EX is dating her best friends abusive EX. What do I do?

If you read my other posts you’ll know the backstory of our relationship.. now then..

She would tell me about this famous musician guy a few times and how he would force himself and have sex with her best friend against her will when they were together. I did not make much of it except agree on that he seemed like an asshole, and my EX is a huge feminist and constantly posts about abuse in relationships on social media while having a degree in gender studies. I would notice however how my EX would like all of this guys pictures on instagram and she even got him a small tattoo once. He came over to her and she tattooed him (worried something between them began here). Well.. she broke up with me after a while because in her view we were too different and that she had lost feelings.

Fast forward 3 months and I find out she is dating this guy. He had been hovering around our whole relationship. I can’t help but feel extremely disapointed in my ex both for choosing a guy she KNOWS is an abuser. But for doing this to her friend as well. The fact that she claims to be a feminist and posts stuff like ”Always trust the victim, not the abuser” makes my stomach turn inside out. The fact that she is falling for his facade of being a famous romantic guy now that he has a few million hits on spotify.

I don’t want her to get abused. I’m worried he will take advantage of her and she won’t realize because of her diagnose. I want her to be happy and this guy will most likely break her heart since he has tons of girls around him all the time.

What do I do?..
 
Sorry to sound harsh, but how is this a situation you can do anything about? She's an adult, and she's your ex. You have to take responsibility for yourself, and your life, that's all you can do, and it's important, because currently you are getting wound up by a situation where you have no relevance.

She can do and say what she wants, you can avoid reading about it and I would concentrate on yourself and your own well being, such as how to get on with your own life. Being left is hard, it doesn't sound like you have emerged from your past relationship yet, but you need to.
 
Thinx said:
Sorry to sound harsh, but how is this a situation you can do anything about? She's an adult, and she's your ex. You have to take responsibility for yourself, and your life, that's all you can do, and it's important, because currently you are getting wound up by a situation where you have no relevance.

She can do and say what she wants, you can avoid reading about it and I would concentrate on yourself and your own well being, such as how to get on with your own life. Being left is hard, it doesn't sound like you have emerged from your past relationship yet, but you need to.
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It’s hard because I never in a million years thought this about her. I thought she had more dignity than that, and It matters to me because she was someone I loved for 2 years and I don’t want her to get abused by somebody. Sadly it IS her choice and you are right I can’t do anything about it.. it just hurts so much..
 
Perfect advice so far, but just in case you reject it... After two years together, you know which individuals have influence over her decisions. Her family member/friend/mentor with proven ability to persuade her to change course. If you must do something to help her, maybe tip off her top influential person to the situation. Or better yet, maybe focus on more productive matters.
 
You can tell her to watch out for the guy; it's OK to do something like that. Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you?
 
Think about how dangerous this could get for you. The guy will know your moves now that they're dating.

Think about if they have had a plan beforehand and have set you up.

Be glad it's over for you. Think about what you did wrong in the relationship and start to clarify and make a plan. Prepare to be stable while single.

Block contact and keep seeing how it couldn't have worked not just from her points of view but from yours now that you've seen the outcome.

Don't contact her, don't justify contacting her, until you have stopped missing her, dated others, and she is not with him

There is little chance you telling her about him will work in any way you think it will. She is with him [and you seem to know she knows his past] and nothing will change it except her personal opinions about him, which right now are in disagreement with yours. She obviously doesn't want you or trust you enough either to date you. Arguing with her about who she dates will do nothing but make her feel she was right for breaking up with you. Resist it

You don't owe her anything.
 
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One mistake I will try never repeating, was letting best friends get too close to my partners. A lot of messes can come out of this.

e. g. Bestfriend hears about the person then suddenly feels they have a lot in common with them, and become best friends off of my efforts of knowing the partner, acting like they just want to help with the relationship. They stick close and start ignoring me, then after breakup they are still friends.
 
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