Ex boyfriend with Autism

[journeytoA]

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could help me.

I went out with this guy for 2 years and I loved him and he was really almost obsessively in love with me. He has autism and depression, and I really tried to help him throughout the time we were together, but it did actually end up with me becoming mentally ill. Our relationship wasn't particularly healthy as we argued quite a lot towards the end. It's a complicated situation but we were forced to break up even though we didn't want to.

We both found the break up ridiculously tough, especially as there were other things going on at the same time etc. But now suddenly, he's fallen in love with another girl and has completely blocked me out. He's blocked me on all social media as well. I feel literally so horrible and I don't understand what happened and how he moved on within two weeks of us breaking up. He has told me he doesn't love e anymore even though he said that no matter what happens he will love me forever, but is now telling me he really loves this new girl.

I'm really trying to be understanding but I'm literally so hurt. I was just wondering if this is because he is autistic or if he just doesn't really care about me anymore? That sounds mean, I'm not autistic myself so I just don't really know if this is part of it or not.

Thank you so much.

 

[Harrison]

Hi, welcome to AC.

I'm sorry to hear your story, when I was your age it was one I heard far too often in my own life. The difference was I was the aspie male, although I was undiagnosed at the time.

My relationships would deteriorate much like yours has and I would leave or be left. Each one was, in my eyes, heartbreaking, but, I would move on to someone else within days and start the whole process off again.

Is that an aspie thing or something else on the spectrum? I don't honestly know.

We have a great resource section here, I've picked one book that I have read myself, it may help

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

I do know that I acted a lot like the examples in that book. Now, I'm older and a lot wiser, and hoping to not screw up again.

Wish you well.

 

[Suzanne]

It seems he is suffering from a fickle heart and I know this, because I suffer the same.

I wonder if one of his obsessions is falling in love, fast and hard? Normally with obsessions, if broken, will last not that long. I can be obsessed a straight 2 weeks and then, lose complete interest.

This is very hard for you, because, you have no choice but accept he is no ordinary chap and probably unable to deal with controversial issues. That gives the impression of being submissive, but actually it is often the opposite and if we feel overwhelmed, we get aggressive and for me, it is verbal.

Even if it does to feel it at the moment, you will get over him and you will be glad because you have already said you became mentally anguished. My husband loves me but also finds me horrendous to live with. I have so many areas that I cannot cope with and that stunts him.

Aspies and nts can only work if an nt is open enough and happy to make huge sacrifices and that will cause the aspie to be happy to compromise.

As it happens, I live in extreme circumstances and believe that I am not that bad to live with, but we have huge communication issues, and sometimes I have to really concentrate on a possible break down and then, struggle to find reasonable ground.

My husband says the next time, there is heated arguments between us, he will get rid of electronic devices and demand exclusive devotion, but I will do all I can to not let that take place and thus, need to learn to not get agitated.

So unwise to get involved with SOME of us, if the nt demands normal behaviour from us.

 

[Judge]

I don't think such a scenario bears much in relation to neurology. The same thing was done to me by an NT woman many years ago. She moved on VERY quickly, while my heart agonized over it all. But the simple reality was just that. She moved on. Once she found another, she never gave another thought about me. I'm sitting here still thinking about the love I lost so long ago, and she's on husband number three right now.

Some people can emotionally transition incredibly fast, leaving us bewildered and hurt. It happens.

 

[Judge]

My husband says the next time, there is heated arguments between us, he will get rid of electronic devices and demand exclusive devotion, but I will do all I can to not let that take place and thus, need to learn to not get agitated.

That sounds pretty scary. Without online contact, the odds of me being able to find and relate to another person on the spectrum are almost none at all. I'd suspect that would be a very common situation for most of us.

 

[wyverary]

First of all, I feel for you. Sending you virtual hugs.

I couldn't say if Aspergers plays a role or not, as this type of behavior is common among non-autistic folk as well; I'm not even certain there's any sort of correlation. I only wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

wyv

 

[Jaywalker]

From One Slip, by Pink Floyd:

"Was it love,
Or was it the idea of being in love?"

In my experience, many people are in love with the idea of love, not the actual person they're with. The relationship fills their need; the other person is quite replaceable.

It's not exclusively an aspie trait; it occurs in NTs as well. I had a friend in high school who had fiancee after fiancee. When he did finally get married it didn't last, because he spent his energy finding someone who would marry him instead of finding someone with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

Incidentally, one of the most awkward moments of my life was being asked to be best man at that wedding. I declined, not understanding that that was not really a socially acceptable response.

 

[SkyBlue]

I would question what this guy's idea of "being in love" is, sounds like it's more about his self esteem than anything.

 

[DonRojo]

I can't talk about somebody I never met or know nothing about. So I am only talking about myself. In my case, it often seemed like I didn't care and left, but it was not actually true. But then again I would never break contact completely, and people are different.
About the NT (maybe more useful), yes a lot left me very suddenly. But the problem was, they thought I was the one that left them! Or didn't care.

And I can also tell you, if you are in deep pain. Breaking contact is sometimes the only/best way to cope. (as in he might be coping rather than hating you). But then again.....I am not him .