everyone is so irritating!!

[luna88]

I'm wondering if anyone out there has had a similar experience. Everyone just feels so aggressive and irritating. It's rare that I find someone that I can tolerate being around for more than 30 minutes without getting super annoyed and wanting to escape them asap. I know I need connection and friends but making friends feels so exhausting and hard when everyone is so mean and annoying and no one seems to want new friends. I'm trying to work on myself and adapt to different people but that doesn't change the fact that I find most people intolerable. I feel like an alien in my own culture sometimes and wonder where I can find nice people I can relate to. In my travels I've connected more easily with people who are spiritual, non-conformist and creative but I'm not finding anyone like that in the mediocre city I live in. I've tried meet-up groups but I get too anxious to speak up and usually everyone there is much older than me. Any suggestions??

 

[Aspychata]

There are definitely more aliens and less spiritual people on the planet. It is what it is.

 

[Fino]

Maybe some sort of new-age church? I've played piano at churches that I would definitely describe as "spiritual, non-conformist, and creative."

 

[Tom]

Maybe some sort of new-age church? I've played piano at churches that I would definitely describe as "spiritual, non-conformist, and creative."

That also kinda describes...

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you have a especially low tolerance level for people in general but yet want the benefits of socializing and the two don't go together very well. While there may be a type of person or group out there with similar interests, I suspect you will find them underneath just the same as everyone else. I think it is a good idea to seek out like minded people as friends, but also you will need to increase your tolerance level. Just about everyone (make it everyone) has some annoying aspect or traits but they usually are in the minor or moderate range. I think in social interaction they are for the most part are just ignored/accepted. The basic concept here being 'yes I have flaws, but then so do you'.

 

[luna88]

It sounds like you have a especially low tolerance level for people in general but yet want the benefits of socializing and the two don't go together very well. While there may be a type of person or group out there with similar interests, I suspect you will find them underneath just the same as everyone else. I think it is a good idea to seek out like minded people as friends, but also you will need to increase your tolerance level. Just about everyone (make it everyone) has some annoying aspect or traits but they usually are in the minor or moderate range. I think in social interaction they are for the most part are just ignored/accepted. The basic concept here being 'yes I have flaws, but then so do you'.

mmmm yes. I appreciate your response Tom. what an excellent nugget of wisdom. now i'm remembering something related btw- an art exhibit i went to once on buddhism- seeing yourself in other people was actually one of the main themes woven into the journey to the center of the mandala to awakening.

I suppose it's partly because people are reacting to me negatively when i am too blunt or aloof and not friendly enough or speak with an irritated tone of voice when I'm not irritated at them but about something else- then I have a negative emotional reaction to their negative reaction, despite being thoroughly interested and curious in some people and wanting desperately to connect. Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me directly what I'm doing wrong!!

 

[luna88]

Maybe some sort of new-age church? I've played piano at churches that I would definitely describe as "spiritual, non-conformist, and creative."

that's cool you play piano I played growing up for about 10 years, my teacher played at our church actually. so are you a professional pianist?

 

[luna88]

There are definitely more aliens and less spiritual people on the planet. It is what it is.

i like how your profile says "from near the ocean"

 

[Tom]

This brought something to mind by the way of analogy. I like taking note of animal behaviors because they are in general much simpler to identify without all the human complexity variations. But at the same can give analogous insights into root motivations clouded in humans by all the complexities.

One dog specialist wrote that in choosing a puppy (for himself or a client) he likes to do the following test. He brings the pup into a separate room and sets it down at one end and then goes himself to the other end. Then he calls the dog to come to him with encouraging words and gestures. What he looks for is a dog that does not come at once and has a little suspicion but in a short time will come to the man and be friendly. He thinks there is a problem with dogs that instantly come running to you, a stranger, or do not come and perhaps act scared or aggressive. He said the problem is that the dog has not been properly socialized. Perhaps it was taken from the mother too early, or was mistreated, etc. Just as an aside, I have to inject I would not have his reaction, but would likely have an empathetic one feeling sorry for the dog and wanting to fix the problem. But I get his point. He is trying to place a even tempered dog with the client so they have the easiest time adopting it. That is why I am an animal lover and not a trainer.

Point is that being too friendly (or too clingy) or too gruff/aloof will make a bad impression. Personally I know from experience that what someone shows on the outside is not always what is going on inside. So I will often give the person the benefit of the doubt and with the gruff person give them their space but show some friendliness, and with the over-friendly one keep them at some distance and still show some friendliness. Observing how they behave towards others is also informative. I feel more confident making the attempt with someone who is gruff to all equally. Then I know it is their nature and not directed specifically against me. With the very social person I am looking to see if they persist after being kept at arms length. Then I at least know they may be genuinely interested in me and not just everyone in sight in a superficial way.

Meanness directed specifically at me is another thing entirely. That I don't care for at all and will try not to give that person anything one way or another.

 

[Fino]

that's cool you play piano I played growing up for about 10 years, my teacher played at our church actually. so are you a professional pianist?

Yep, although most of my time is spent teaching! I have 31 students! Wow!

 

[luna88]

Yep, although most of my time is spent teaching! I have 31 students! Wow!

wow that's a lot to manage!! but must be rewarding.

 

[Debrah]

I'm wondering if anyone out there has had a similar experience. Everyone just feels so aggressive and irritating. It's rare that I find someone that I can tolerate being around for more than 30 minutes without getting super annoyed and wanting to escape them asap. I know I need connection and friends but making friends feels so exhausting and hard when everyone is so mean and annoying and no one seems to want new friends. I'm trying to work on myself and adapt to different people but that doesn't change the fact that I find most people intolerable. I feel like an alien in my own culture sometimes and wonder where I can find nice people I can relate to. In my travels I've connected more easily with people who are spiritual, non-conformist and creative but I'm not finding anyone like that in the mediocre city I live in. I've tried meet-up groups but I get too anxious to speak up and usually everyone there is much older than me. Any suggestions??

I can relate to so much of what you've shared here. I used to think just like you too, that 'I should have friends and connections', because some mysterious 'they' said I should. So I used to try and force it, figuring that I'd eventually get used to it and become more comfortable with the whole thing.

Well, I never did, and finally just last year I gave myself permission to not bother trying anymore and most importantly, to not feel guilty for not trying. It was such a weight off my shoulders. I love being alone, I'm happiest then so why make myself do something that always ends up with me stretched on the couch for the rest of the afternoon, trying to recover from the stress of meeting people.

That's just me mind you and maybe you really enjoy that kind of interaction. If that's the case, I have nothing to suggest. Good luck figuring it out.