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Entering the world of online dating, but wanting to be safe about it.

Metalhead

Metalhead

Video game and movie addict.
V.I.P Member
I am meeting a guy in a bar and grill in a couple of days from now when we both get off work. We will munch on buffalo wings and diet Cokes, talk a little while and try to break the ice, and then go our separate ways after an hour or two of that. He is nervous since this is unfamiliar territory for him, and I am nervous for the same reason - I guess both of us might be worried the other guy may be a chainsaw date rapist murderer or something out of a Lifetime movie like that, so we want to take things slowly, safely and sanely.

So, this is the first step we are taking to see if we want to proceed with any further steps.

Are there any other steps I should take to ensure both of our safety in the process?
 
Those red flags are usually pretty obvious. I'm no expert, but I watch way too many interrogation videos, lol.

Also, most people are pretty decent. I mean, they're all evil, but most of them won't do anything that extreme.
 
Your timing might be in question. Only because you might be "biting off more than you can chew" as they say.

Withdrawal from alcohol, exercising...now online dating? May be too much- all in the same time frame. Making such changes might be best accomplished doing them incrementally rather than all at the same time.
 
I speak to people for weeks or months before I ever meet them. To let the blinkers of fancying someone wear off. So you get to see the real person. I never thought dating was a good idea. It always seemed forced, and getting to know someone for an hour here or there whilst being distracted by venues seemed like an easy way to lose focus.

But that's just my take on it.

Also, you don't drink. Why are you meeting at a bar?

Ed
 
Metalhead said:
For this bar and grill has the best wings in town, and I can get a Diet Coke to go with them. I don't need to order a beer when I want to go out and about.
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Trying to get off alcohol entirely, I think Ed is right. You should rethink that.

Just my opinion, but temptation and stress are things you don't need on top of the rigors of dating.
 
Judge said:
Trying to get off alcohol entirely, I think Ed is right. You should rethink that.

Just my opinion, but temptation and stress are things you don't need on top of the rigors of dating.
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There also is a Mexican place, a Thai place and a pizza place within walking distance from my house, but all of those have full bar service as well. And I would rather have a dutch date in a real full service food environment than at Burger King or Taco Bell, also within walking distance but they don't serve booze. But I don't need to order a beer when I want some food, and I will admit the danger of me ordering a drink would be more of an issue if I were going to such a place by myself instead of with somebody who knows I am cutting out the alcohol.
 
Metalhead said:
There also is a Mexican place, a Thai place and a pizza place within walking distance from my house, but all of those have full bar service as well. And I would rather have a dutch date in a real full service food environment than at Burger King or Taco Bell, also within walking distance but they don't serve booze. But I don't need to order a beer when I want some food, and I will admit the danger of me ordering a drink would be more of an issue if I were going to such a place by myself instead of with somebody who knows I am cutting out the alcohol.
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A restaurant would seem a better compromise than a bar. But only you can truly gauge your own sense or lack of temptation. Yet so many "triggers" remain in such an equation.
 
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Metalhead said:
I were going to such a place by myself instead of with somebody who knows I am cutting out the alcohol.
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This is good to be open about not drinking and hold yourself accountable by being public with it.

We do have to exist in the world, those of us in recovery, but it is a good point to be careful about putting yourself in a situation that may be triggering. Going to a restaurant that has a full bar service does feel different and then going to an actual bar in my opinion. Although you may not drink at the bar, being in one, smelling the place, remembering times there when you did order alcohol could play tricks with your mind later on when you are not feeling such fortitude in your sobriety.

As far as safety goes, make sure you let somebody else know where you’re going and when you expect to be back. Make sure your phone is all charged up and you have a bit of cash in your pocket. As a lady, I also go out into any situation with my protective gear (i.e. Pepper spray and self-defense tool).

By choosing not to drink, you are already taking a step toward safety. Your judgment will be more clear with a sober mind.

And hopefully, have some fun! Like you said this is just the first step, so even if it is just a practice move and doesn’t go anywhere, it sounds like a good opportunity for you.
 
I hope you have fun and enjoy yourself and it all works out. I recommend caution when revealing specific details of your life. There is no need to say exactly where you work, or where you live. Trust is earned and that takes time.
 
My girlfriend went out on a date in Texas. The guy try to kidnap her, then she Google him, he had like 8 felonies. Crazy.

So basically controlling behavior, too many personal questions, lovebombing. There is a know fact of in the first 5 mins you can ask anything and get a truthful answer because their mask will be off for 5 mins. After that, it's anybody's guess. Please go with your gut. If you feel like something is off, then only meet somewhere else besides your place. Do they show empathy, sometimes that rules out narcissist types, (though you have experience in that area). Also psychopath can't show empathy, and can lie with absolutely no feeling. If you ask a innocent question, and they immediately show anger, that's not a good sign. Maybe no control over anger.

I went out just once in my five years here, and the guy kept covering his mouth when he spoke, which bothered me, because that is a sign of deception. In fact l didn't take a job, because the employer kept covering his mouth during my interview , so l never followed up.

You just do a character study on them, like you are critiquing a movie plot. This allows you to be objective, just an idea.
 
Aspychata said:
My girlfriend went out on a date in Texas. The guy try to kidnap her, then she Google him, he had like 8 felonies. Crazy.

So basically controlling behavior, too many personal questions, lovebombing. There is a know fact of in the first 5 mins you can ask anything and get a truthful answer because their mask will be off for 5 mins. After that, it's anybody's guess. Please go with your gut. If you feel like something is off, then only meet somewhere else besides your place. Do they show empathy, sometimes that rules out narcissist types, (though you have experience in that area). Also psychopath can't show empathy, and can lie with absolutely no feeling. If you ask a innocent question, and they immediately show anger, that's not a good sign. Maybe no control over anger.

I went out just once in my five years here, and the guy kept covering his mouth when he spoke, which bothered me, because that is a sign of deception. In fact l didn't take a job, because the employer kept covering his mouth during my interview , so l never followed up.

You just do a character study on them, like you are critiquing a movie plot. This allows you to be objective, just an idea.
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Seeing as we both mutually agreed that meeting in public for the first time was a good idea, I kinda doubt that this guy is a psycho killer. Still, meeting for the first time in a public place and going out separate ways after that first meeting is a wise thing to be doing.
 
Metalhead said:
Seeing as we both mutually agreed that meeting in public for the first time was a good idea
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That's probably the most significant thing you can do in an online relationship. The only real way to validate it to some degree. If not, and it goes on for years as it did for me with someone, it eventually waned and died.

Only for me to look her up online later when resources to look people up became far more sophisticated. Enough so to determine that I was "catfished". Where some things about herself were true, while other things were outright lies. We talked on the phone occasionally, and exchanged snail-mail from time to time. Of course she had only a box number to a post office. Claiming that she didn't want her relatives living with her to know. Something that would never fly these days, but this was in the early 90s.

And she left out everything having to do with her being married. One time she swore she'd be coming down for a visit, but surprise-surprise...it failed at the last minute. With my suggestion that I show up at her place being not possible for who knows what reasons. (She lived in another state at the time.)

Probably the weirdest thing was that she moved to the very town I once lived in after I moved to Nevada. She and her husband ended up with an address of an apartment complex I even once lived in. Weird- even gross. Couldn't help but wonder if she was a sociopath...or just one mixed up woman.
 
Well, tonight is my first date in years. We will be meeting not at the bar and grill, but at the pizza place instead. We will split a pepperoni pizza and get to know each other a little. Then we will go our separate ways from the pizza joint since this date is just a trial run for us to get to know each other a little and both of us are kinda nervous about it.
 
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