Empathy and YOUR feelings as an AS person

[Autistamatic]

I'm asking for your opinions of how your experience of empathy - i.e. how the feelings of others affect you, makes you feel inside.

The first video I did on the empathy topic covered how empathy can work for us, the second I'm currently working on talks about how and why we may be incorrectly perceived to lack empathy or feelings. The third piece of the puzzle is how we feel inside as a result of other people's emotions around us, particularly strong emotions.
I'm not talking about being bullied or called names, that's a subject for another time, this just the feelings we get when other people around us are unhappy, in grief, happy and excited, romantic or angry.

Do you feel less or more intensely than they appear to? How does it make you feel if you can't share in the moment with them, or don't know how to comfort somebody when they're down? Are you afraid of misunderstanding or rejections or are you confident in the way you handle emotional situations?

I want to give the NT world, and others like us an idea of what we go through when powerful feelings are going on around us, and to let other Aspies who may be feeling isolated know that there are many of us who understand their experience.
I've got plenty to go on from research and personal observation, but I'd really appreciate your insights, your experiences and your heartfelt feelings.

 

[Pats]

I think I feel more deeply than the person I think is suffering. I was telling my daughter this morning that I'll lose sleep over something that is upsetting someone I'm close to and the next morning they sound fine and I'm still upset. I'm realizing that I put more emotion onto people than they may actually be feeling.
There's a few different reasons I hesitate trying to comfort someone - I guess rejection would be one if it includes the person looking at me like I'm nuts when I get it wrong what I think they are feeling. I'm also not good at it and tend to explain why they are feeling bad and I'm afraid I'm going to make them feel worse.
Also, I remember getting into a debate with an x brother in law because I had said whenever I'm around such and such they make me feel like...… He started on the other people do not make you feel anyway. But they do. You easily pick up on moods and it's like it's contagious.
There have been times I've walked upstairs and immediately can tell that my son and daughter in law are having a disagreement and I quickly turn around and go back downstairs. lol

 

[Sir Stig]

I have not yet gotten an official diagnosis (the neurotests said I fill the criterias, but it is dawning on me that my therapist unfortunately sees intelligence as a factor that rules out ASD in her mind, so I have to start anew with another one. So I have had my fair share of breakdowns lately).

Anyway, here are my thoughts on your topic:

I can comfort people, and have done so, by listening and try to help them put things in another perspective, or by agreeing with them, telling them that what they are experiencing are valid and real to them. People have even said I am easy to talk to when it comes to their emotional issues. I am focused on the task of getting them to accept their feeling (before I used to try and help them change their mood, but that is only running away from the real issue). I can not bear to just let someone suffer alone without trying to alleviate their pain in some way. It is like I can feel their hurt in my bones.

After a little talk, which can vary from 15 minutes to an hour, sometimes much longer, I am always confused by how a little talk can make them totally change their mood. Like it never happened in the first place. It is strenuous to endure their pain though, and afterwards I om bummed out for days, or longer.

And then I feel like I have just been their emotional thrash can. I am reduced to an overflowing waste basket which they don't even care emptying before they leave. I wonder if it is my own unseen suffering that makes me want to help, but in doing so I am just making it worse for myself in the long run. I think I may try to see value in myself, in light of being able to relieve other from their misery. But it haven't worked very well for me so far. Maybe if I was able to show that it put a strain on me, but I just can't seem to find the outgoing channel for emotions, and I can't turn off the ingoing signals.

And it is like people pick up on me like I am some kind of prey creature. And I have a hard time saying no to people in distress. As a result I have developed an angry face that I put on a little too often. And I hate it. I want to connect with people, but two way communication just doesn't work. I don't think most people are mean and selfish. It is just that they don't pick up my frequency, while I can't block out theirs. Too bad for me, I guess. At least no one will notice...

Sorry for spiraling into depressive conclusions, it is just how things go as I realize why things are the way they are. And I can't find a way to accept it, unless I get a diagnosis. Meanwhile, I am stuck in a problem solving mode to find out what I am doing wrong. There you go, my heartfelt feelings. At least it gets out in writing.

Thank you for reading, and I apologize deeply if it put a strain on you.

Edit: Wrong word. English is not my native language.

 

[Pats]

I think I feel more deeply than the person I think is suffering. I was telling my daughter this morning that I'll lose sleep over something that is upsetting someone I'm close to and the next morning they sound fine and I'm still upset. I'm realizing that I put more emotion onto people than they may actually be feeling.
There's a few different reasons I hesitate trying to comfort someone - I guess rejection would be one if it includes the person looking at me like I'm nuts when I get it wrong what I think they are feeling. I'm also not good at it and tend to explain why they are feeling bad and I'm afraid I'm going to make them feel worse.
Also, I remember getting into a debate with an x brother in law because I had said whenever I'm around such and such they make me feel like...… He started on the other people do not make you feel anyway. But they do. You easily pick up on moods and it's like it's contagious.
There have been times I've walked upstairs and immediately can tell that my son and daughter in law are having a disagreement and I quickly turn around and go back downstairs. lol

I just need to add something else here that I think may be worth noting. When someone is really upset - I have no idea what to say to them or if they even want to hear what I have to say unless they approach me. But I will always go home and write them a heartfelt note and send it to them. I'm much better at writing than speaking. Or if I don't write a note, will do something special for them - make them something, get them something, whatever, and hope it shows that I really do care. But I don't usually offer my assistance in things because I may not be able to follow through and end up dreading that they may actually take me up on it. So I stopped doing that. If I can find something I can do that might help on my own I will.

 

[Autistamatic]

If I understand you correctly @Sir Stig it sounds to me like you feel that you take on other people's misery as your own when they unload on you, but you are unable to unload your own feelings in the same way?
Don't feel the need to apologise btw I wouldn't ask the question if I didn't want to know. Your input offers me insight

 

[Sir Stig]

If I understand you correctly @Sir Stig it sounds to me like you feel that you take on other people's misery as your own when they unload on you, but you are unable to unload your own feelings in the same way?
Don't feel the need to apologise btw I wouldn't ask the question if I didn't want to know. Your input offers me insight

Yes, and in a way it is similar as with other sensory input. I can stim to alleviate some of the too intense bodily sensations when it gets too much (harder to do with sounds), but emotional responses are tough to deal with. And my mind is very hard to slow down when it gets momentum. Culmination in bodily pain, and when that gets too much... Breakdown. Stress is a major factor.

I wonder if some of the overload, feelings and tension get dumped in the breakdown process?

That must be it! That's why I am having breakdowns.

When I view it as an impulse overload failsafe, it makes perfect sense (pun intended, but let's add that it can easily be imperfect sense).

 

[Peter Morrison]

I know that I can't produce emotional empathy easily. This may be because I don't seek emotional comfort myself. I view problems and issues as a personal arrangement. I never know what to say to someone who lost their dog, got fired, or had a horrible accident. I always want to "do" something to fix the problem, or at least make the burden less than what it is if I can do so. This way of seeing tragedy leaves me on the sidelines. I can cry from both sadness and happiness, but I am not good at initiating verbal or physical comfort to those who are experiencing great loss. I know that I was very impressionable as a child and I may have picked up on a lack of extreme emotional expression among family members. Not sure. I don't commiserate well and I don't interfere in other people's business. I can only view things as "matter of fact". I can contribute actions, but not feelings. Perhaps I lack patience for the grief process. I have no clue.

 

[Sir Stig]

For me it is the intensity that are tough to manage. It uses a lot of *energy. And my sometimes intense concentration (Although I find pleasure in intense concentration it still uses a lot of energy).

*energy meaning how nutrients gets distributed by the body.

To add to my above post: I think laughter (and maybe things that I find funny without laughing out loud) alleviates some tension/pain. I wonder if that makes me normal? But it does take a good deal for me to laugh out loud. It must be very very funny. When I am stressed it is hard to find things funny. My own gallows humor have become a way to trigger the laughter response when I am stressed. Does not always work, but when it does.... Ahhh, sweet relief!!!

 

[Autistamatic]

I always want to "do" something to fix the problem, or at least make the burden less than what it is if I can do so.

Thanks for posting Peter. If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel when you can't do something to "fix the problem"...or when when you can?

 

[Sir Stig]

For me, empathy and the right response in a situation, can also drown in other sensations. It is not that I am not feeling them, it is more like some other sense craves all my attention in order to maintain myself. In some situations. I am to occupied masking correctly most of the time.

 

[Autistamatic]

For me, empathy and the right response in a situation, can also drown in other sensations. It is not that I am not feeling them, it is more like some other sense craves all my attention in order to maintain myself. In some situations. I am to occupied masking correctly most of the time.

That seems to be quite a common thought - that you may be putting so much effort in keeping up the everyday pretence of masking that handling an emotional situation can be too much. You either drop the mask and try to help or shield yourself from the overwhelming feelings lest you melt down.

 

[Tanyax]

I'm asking for your opinions of how your experience of empathy - i.e. how the feelings of others affect you, makes you feel inside.

The first video I did on the empathy topic covered how empathy can work for us, the second I'm currently working on talks about how and why we may be incorrectly perceived to lack empathy or feelings. The third piece of the puzzle is how we feel inside as a result of other people's emotions around us, particularly strong emotions.
I'm not talking about being bullied or called names, that's a subject for another time, this just the feelings we get when other people around us are unhappy, in grief, happy and excited, romantic or angry.

Do you feel less or more intensely than they appear to? How does it make you feel if you can't share in the moment with them, or don't know how to comfort somebody when they're down? Are you afraid of misunderstanding or rejections or are you confident in the way you handle emotional situations?

I want to give the NT world, and others like us an idea of what we go through when powerful feelings are going on around us, and to let other Aspies who may be feeling isolated know that there are many of us who understand their experience.
I've got plenty to go on from research and personal observation, but I'd really appreciate your insights, your experiences and your heartfelt feelings.

Personally, I would say that people would think I over react. I care way too much. I have too much empathy and I care and feel for people and their feelings. It’s genuine though. I really do care and I hurt if someone else is in pain. Sometimes I wish I didn’t but I do. I don’t know if this helps you but that’s my answer and at times it’s at my deficit. It can be embarrassing. It’s over kill really but I can’t help it. I just care too much. I don’t think that’s possible but others do x

 

[Tanyax]

I just need to add something else here that I think may be worth noting. When someone is really upset - I have no idea what to say to them or if they even want to hear what I have to say unless they approach me. But I will always go home and write them a heartfelt note and send it to them. I'm much better at writing than speaking. Or if I don't write a note, will do something special for them - make them something, get them something, whatever, and hope it shows that I really do care. But I don't usually offer my assistance in things because I may not be able to follow through and end up dreading that they may actually take me up on it. So I stopped doing that. If I can find something I can do that might help on my own I will.

Pats, this is so wierd. I have stopped communicating anything remotely important and emotional verbally recently as I find it too confrontational I suppose so I do it by a note now. It seems to work really well but it’s just strange that you should mention it. I don’t know why I do it. I suppose I don’t like talking. It seems healthier for me. There is no chance of acrimony I think but it’s just so strange you do
That too.

 

[Autistamatic]

Again it's quite a common Aspie trait to communicate better in writing than verbally. We have more time to think and choose the right words so as to better represent our feelings or intent. It's been said so many times on this forum that the version of ourselves we present here may be far more eloquent and composed than our real selves.
To further the technique to dealing with complex emotional situations is a logical extension of that. I've done it myself many a time, not always with the best result, but more often than not a note or a gesture has communicated far better than I can at the time.
Where I find some NTs miss the point with me is that I can deal with most everyday situations as I go along - it's only when high emotions, particularly anger or lies, come into play that I cannot function and my autism becomes evident.

 

[aspieandconfused_87]

Again it's quite a common Aspie trait to communicate better in writing than verbally. We have more time to think and choose the right words so as to better represent our feelings or intent. It's been said so many times on this forum that the version of ourselves we present here may be far more eloquent and composed than our real selves.
To further the technique to dealing with complex emotional situations is a logical extension of that. I've done it myself many a time, not always with the best result, but more often than not a note or a gesture has communicated far better than I can at the time.
Where I find some NTs miss the point with me is that I can deal with most everyday situations as I go along - it's only when high emotions, particularly anger or lies, come into play that I cannot function and my autism becomes evident.

I feel you soo much on this comment, I most definitely communicate better through written words, or music, or other forms of expression then I do with speaking, I can even act a little (hell I am acting all the time anyways so why should this be any different?), when speaking I can often come off as cold and uncaring as I have little to no reaction to say someone telling me that someone very close to them has passed away or some other negative thing in their life, I feel a combination of things.

I try to say something to let them know I acknowledge how they feel, and hope they wont feel it much longer, but there is no emotion in my voice, I don't feel I really know how to react in the situation. I don't want to overreact and get myself emotionally involved with someone I am not close to situation and in the process bum myself out, but I don't want to come off as a cold uncaring asshole either, so I try to say something reassuring (usually something I have heard before, on a movie, or TV, or from someone else) that seems like it should be the right thing to say.

But at the same time my logical part of the brain says, "Why should I be upset about something that happend to someone else that has no baring or impact on my life, let alone something I can not do anything about?" I just don't understand why some people get so emotional about other peoples problems.

Even when it is someone close to me that something bad has happend to I still really don't show much concern, even if I do feel it, my mom recently told me she had to go to the ER, part of me was upset she didn't tell me she went to the ER, but at the same time I think my mom knows me well enough to not tell me something that will make me panic if there is no need to alarm me until she knows more and if it is actually something to be concerned about, but again I don't really try to get emotionally involved in those situations as it will effect my ability to function greatly. I often suppress emotions to avoid panic and stress as I do not deal with stress well at all and often will try to maintain a logical objective point of view most of the time.

In a lot of ways I relate heavily to Spock and sometimes to Data from Star Trek, Spock because you know when he is feeling emotion and hurt and loss it is very difficult for him, but he does not show it and he maintains his logical mindset until he no longer control himself and its gets the better of him due to his human side. Data because he has a very hard time relating to other living beings and understanding why they do the things they do, and how he often gives way more information then is need (I am so bad at this, I information dump all the time).

Anyways long story short, I have a hard time showing and expressing emotions, I get easily upset and offended by what others would see as trivial matters and as something that shouldn't be taken personally. But at the same time I can and have been able to pickup on the emotional states of others easily and quickly, so I am all over the place. I have balled my eyes out or at least became very emotionally involved with fictional characters and stories, I think is maybe because I can not be hurt and feel safe with these characters so I let my emotional walls down.

 

[Progster]

I feel very overwhelmed by other people's intense emotions. When someone is upset or angry or very emotional, it totally overwhelms me, it's too much, much too tense and I need to leave the room. It makes me feel very awkward and stressed because I sense that something might be expected of me, but don't know what to do about it. I don't feel the emotion myself, but am greatly affected by their emotion, or perhaps by the situation as a whole. I'm no good at emotional support and tend to offer practical help.

 

[aspieandconfused_87]

I feel very overwhelmed by other people's intense emotions. When someone is upset or angry or very emotional, it totally overwhelms me, it's too much, much too tense and I need to leave the room. It makes me feel very awkward and stressed because I sense that something might be expected of me, but don't know what to do about it. I don't feel the emotion myself, but am greatly affected by their emotion, or perhaps by the situation as a whole. I'm no good at emotional support and tend to offer practical help.

Yes me too! I don't like it when people are overly emotional with me or around me, it makes me super uncomfortable.

 

[SusanLR]

But at the same time my logical part of the brain says, "Why should I be upset about something that happend to someone else that has no baring or impact on my life, let alone something I can not do anything about?" I just don't understand why some people get so emotional about other peoples problems.

I read this paragraph and knew it expresses my thoughts exactly.
I also feel it isn't easy to express due to my rather flat tone of voice and just don't want to get
overly involved in a situation that isn't close to me. It only causes more internal anxiety.

I live with someone who can't call anyone by their real name, only some duragatory slur,
and is always ready to speak in a demanding, abusive tone of voice.
People he doesn't even know often say: " You don't have to scream at me."
Which infuriates him even more and answers with a reply of , "This is just how I talk.
You haven't heard me screaming...yet!"
It makes me sick inside to be in this negativity all the time. I feel sorry for the person on the receiving
end of these rants. But, I dare say nothing.

Mr. Spock and Data were always idyllic charactures for me as @aspeiandconfused_87 spoke of for the
same reasons.
I feel hurt, emotion and loss, but want to maintain the logical mindset and not show it until I can no
longer control it.
An as Data, I have a hard time understanding why humans do the things they do.

I also have had certain things in movies suddenly make me bawl my eyes out too.
It hits an emotional chord that is sensitive to me.
But, I don't want anyone see me cry.

 

[Thinx]

I can relate to much of what has been said. Because I have done a lot of personal therapy and then trained as a counsellor I have worked hard on these issues all my life and noticed some changes, for example where I was formerly liable to be overwhelmed by my own emotions I don't find that anymore, and I can support others, however my usual responses that spring to mind are rational ones.

I think probably the work I have done has helped with the effects of growing up with parents who could not provide much emotional support or empathy, and I have honed my skills based on thinking strategies to observe and support, and also learned to shield myself somewhat from what feels like the emotional downloads of others. I don't know how exactly I ve done this, it's been a slow process and over time I feel I have become more secure and able to facilitate others emotionally.

Nevertheless I do sense and find that I am different significantly from neurotypical others and sometimes that they seem quick to make assumptions about me rather than be curious. Don't know what to do about that except grin and bear it. There's so much ignorance about neurodiversity and human complexity.

 

[aspieandconfused_87]

I also have had certain things in movies suddenly make me bawl my eyes out too.
It hits an emotional chord that is sensitive to me.
But, I don't want anyone see me cry.

Yes this is exactly it for me!

I truly love this forum as it is one of the few places I can interact with so many people that get me and understand where I am coming from, I wish more of us could find each other in the real world, I know in the place I live there is probably a lot more people on the spectrum then you are aware of, but people just do not talk about it, and understandably people on the spectrum don't go around telling people they are on the spectrum for fear of being treated differently or having stigmas placed on you, but sometimes I kind of wish there was way for us to be able to identify each other that only people on the spectrum could recognize, does that make sense?