Emotions from learning you're on the spectrum

[Pats]

I was first relieved to finally have my life make sense and I think most of us who were diagnosed late in life feel that way. It's an explanation as to why life has been so difficult for us when everyone else seems to get through so much easier. But there are other emotions as well and my biggest one is frustration over why did no one seem to notice or even care?

I look back at my childhood and wonder why. I was sent to a speech therapist when I was in 2nd grade on the schools recommendation. The therapist taught me to speak and to make and keep eye contact. The therapist wanted to do further counseling but my dad refused.

When we visited cousins or friends I stayed back in the shadows, walking behind and never mixing in. I stayed in trouble at school for misconduct and my parents didn't seem to care. I had marks on my report cards but no one ever discussed them with me or ever told me how to behave at school. I got poor grades, unless it was something that really caught my interest, then I would excel. But I mostly daydreamed in class. I was clumsy. Sitting in the living room watching tv with family I kept my chair turned so no one could see me. I chewed on leather. I was clumsy and made fun of because I ran into trees all the time. I was always looking down at the ground. I rocked. I had attachments to a jean jacket and 1 stuffed animal that I had from birth that my mom would try to throw away and I'd drag it back out of the trash. I followed my sister around to finish telling her a story. I stayed in my room as a teenager and had no friends. When forced to go out, I'd go out and get high. I cried every day in first grade because I didn't want to go to school and I begged in every grade there after for my parents to let me quit. I never liked any of the things most kids my age enjoyed. If I got hurt, I tried to hide it. I had bathroom accidents if I was at a cousins because I could not ask to go to the bathroom. I could just go on and on - but WHY did no one pick up on any of that? Why did everyone just ignore my misery? It makes me angry at my family for not noticing or not trying to help me somehow.

I feel cheated because I wonder if my life could have been easier if I had know sooner and been able to make adjustments. I spent my life hiding who I was and never even knew what it was I was in fear of someone finding out. I could have had help to come out of my box that grew so small at times I couldn't even move. Now, I no longer have to work or fit in and it doesn't matter any more. The diagnosis only helps me finally accept who I am, and that's plenty big, but I do resent that I could have been made aware earlier in life and not had that particular, major struggle for 58 years of my life.

 

[duucks]

I didn't get diagnosed as late in life as it seems you have, I was diagnosed just last week at 18. Though a lot of the things you mentioned you experienced in childhood I experienced too, I only ended up getting into the diagnosis process after attempted suicide. I struggle to express how my diagnosis has made me feel, but I think so far it's mainly been relief. Like finally I understand the source of my difficulties, why I still have my blanky at 18, why I need to run soft labels on my face, why I get overwhelmed talking to people and why I often can't look people in the eye. It's comforting for me to be able to say "I'm not being rude/stupid/childish, I'm autistic" and have people understand and accept that. I personally don't blame my parents for not noticing, very little is known about autism in females and it's not in the social consciousness as much as autism in males. The fact that more people are having their symptoms recognized and diagnosed means that there is more awareness and hopefully less little girls will have to struggle with out help. I'm personally very excited to learn more about the spectrum and get to know people more like me!

I wish you the best with coming to terms to with your diagnosis and your feelings in terms of it.

 

[Pats]

I personally don't blame my parents for not noticing, very little is known about autism in females and it's not in the social consciousness as much as autism in males. The fact that more people are having their symptoms recognized and diagnosed means that there is more awareness and hopefully less little girls will have to struggle with out help.

Oh, I probably did come off as blaming my parents, which I really don't. The autism spectrum was not even a known thing to people in general when I was growing up. I was just trying to express an emotion of feeling cheated. Parents were different back then, too. Kids were basically on their own - the only thing you were taught really is what would get you a good belt lashing at home. Funny thing - smoking pot and laying out of school didn't, but begging definitely would.

 

[Mr Allen]

At first my reaction was what the hell?! I'd heard of full blown Autism but not Asperger's syndrome! And then about a month later... Oh don't get me started on the reaction when it was announced to the world on various US based wrestling forums.

 

[Autistamatic]

As you know @Pats I was diagnosed a long time ago so I've lived my adult life with the knowledge, but it's surprising how much of what you and many others on this forum have said, that still resonates.
When I first found out I was AS nobody had heard of it and it was hard to find any hard information on the topic. I kept it to myself. I have actually told very few people about it in my entire life (until very recently - I can't get away with it now I've been talking about it on video) and those I have told have not always reacted well. I have been called various different types of eccentric and weird by people in the past and in the last few years, since awareness of the spectrum has increased, I have been told I'm "almost autistic" more than once.
I had troubles at school like many of us, spent a great deal of time on my own and forced myself to socialise and try to fit in. I was out of the family home aged 16 so I had no choice - fit in or starve.
Whilst I've known for a very long time WHY it is I differ from most people I meet, it took me a long time to find out how much of that was typical of AS, which it turned out was quite a lot. Actually joining this forum and putting out the first videos has been quite a liberating feeling for me, especially since they have been so generously received.

 

[Pats]

As you know @Pats I was diagnosed a long time ago so I've lived my adult life with the knowledge, but it's surprising how much of what you and many others on this forum have said, that still resonates.
When I first found out I was AS nobody had heard of it and it was hard to find any hard information on the topic. I kept it to myself. I have actually told very few people about it in my entire life (until very recently - I can't get away with it now I've been talking about it on video) and those I have told have not always reacted well. I have been called various different types of eccentric and weird by people in the past and in the last few years, since awareness of the spectrum has increased, I have been told I'm "almost autistic" more than once.
I had troubles at school like many of us, spent a great deal of time on my own and forced myself to socialise and try to fit in. I was out of the family home aged 16 so I had no choice - fit in or starve.
Whilst I've known for a very long time WHY it is I differ from most people I meet, it took me a long time to find out how much of that was typical of AS, which it turned out was quite a lot. Actually joining this forum and putting out the first videos has been quite a liberating feeling for me, especially since they have been so generously received.

I was out of my home at 16, too and I know the 'fit in or starve' struggle.
And I like the 'almost autistic' comment. lol

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Oh, I probably did come off as blaming my parents, which I really don't. The autism spectrum was not even a known thing to people in general when I was growing up. I was just trying to express an emotion of feeling cheated. Parents were different back then, too. Kids were basically on their own - the only thing you were taught really is what would get you a good belt lashing at home. Funny thing - smoking pot and laying out of school didn't, but begging definitely would.

Well I think even if you dont like to blame them you still dont like the way they treated you obviously, and from what I read I think that you are right , even if you know it was just cultural or whatever at the time...it was still bad.

Back to the topic ,In my opinion many people dont get diagnosed simply because their own familyor part of their relatives are the spectrum to some degree so autistic behavior may be less weird to them, they might not even realize it.
IMO the worst things can happen between 2 undiagnosed people on the spectrum.

My mother thought I was weird and she was anxious about me being "not normal", all the rest of my family said I was normall ( they are autistic in my father side, I dont know about my mother) so she tried to live with it and admit all my little weird stuff.

Now she knows I got a diagnosed she doesnt want to talk about the past anymore, not even a little, she says she doesnt want to make me stuck in a "disabled box", maybe she doesnt want to talk about it for this reason, but the more I think about it, the more I realize my mother was right about everything in our family , and she might be realy pissed to realize she was right all this years and everyone around her dismissed her.


BUT WHAT EVER, Even know autistic people are being discriminated and humiliated on an everyday basis, I dont even want to imagine how my life would have been if I was diagnosed, with years off useless meds, even less friend that I had at the time , I may have had to change school...all of that would have been terrible.

I had a good start at life honestly, with loving parents and a good school that was realy little and secured,being diagnosed would have ruined even more...I just need more time to start in life, as I always needed more time to do anything since I'm a kid anyway !


In your opinion you had a realy traumatizing childhood (unlike me) so I understand you, but maybe being diagnosed back them would have made your life even worse you know...sorry

 

[duucks]

As a young adult I'm finding that learning about the experiences of adults older than myself is very useful, as it gives me an idea of what the future may have in store for me that differs from the experiences of NT people and help me better contextualize my childhood because a diagnosis may show the cause of certain things it doesn't explain the whole picture whereas other's experiences often help to do.

 

[Pats]

Well I think even if you dont like to blame them you still dont like the way they treated you obviously, and from what I read I think that you are right , even if you know it was just cultural or whatever at the time...it was still bad.

Back to the topic ,In my opinion many people dont get diagnosed simply because their own familyor part of their relatives are the spectrum to some degree so autistic behavior may be less weird to them, they might not even realize it.
IMO the worst things can happen between 2 undiagnosed people on the spectrum.

My mother thought I was weird and she was anxious about me being "not normal", all the rest of my family said I was normall ( they are autistic in my father side, I dont know about my mother) so she tried to live with it and admit all my little weird stuff.

Now she knows I got a diagnosed she doesnt want to talk about the past anymore, not even a little, she says she doesnt want to make me stuck in a "disabled box", maybe she doesnt want to talk about it for this reason, but the more I think about it, the more I realize my mother was right about everything in our family , and she might be realy pissed to realize she was right all this years and everyone around her dismissed her.


BUT WHAT EVER, Even know autistic people are being discriminated and humiliated on an everyday basis, I dont even want to imagine how my life would have been if I was diagnosed, with years off useless meds, even less friend that I had at the time , I may have had to change school...all of that would have been terrible.

I had a good start at life honestly, with loving parents and a good school that was realy little and secured,being diagnosed would have ruined even more...I just need more time to start in life, as I always needed more time to do anything since I'm a kid anyway !


In your opinion you had a realy traumatizing childhood (unlike me) so I understand you, but maybe being diagnosed back them would have made your life even worse you know...sorry

Very possibly. And maybe I would have excused myself from having to do what I had to do to get by.

 

[OlLiE]

relief,

i was actually relatively happy that i got the diagnosis mid life
it forced me to try and find workarounds, which i did
understanding why i had my problems was a relief
the diagnosis didn't change the fact that i had to get on with my life
the 95% NT's never had and were never going to adapt to me
so my strategies were useful

 

[Tom]

I haven't focused much on the emotional element. I find emotions upsetting and unreliable in general. Although I will follow positive impulses, I found following negative ones never led anywhere good.

But calm analysis of the discovery and what it means has brought many insights, including both flaws and strengths. It is not easy to face the former, but very useful if you can.

 

[Progster]

At the time I was diagnosed, I was going through a very diffficult period. I had lost one job, couldn't cope with another so quit, got another, but quit that too, because I couldn't cope with that either, and I was burned out and sick literally from the anxiety I faced daily... before that, I had learned about Asperger's and noticed that I had quite a few of the traits, but did nothing about it... but when I went through this crisis, I started to look into it again and I decided that I needed to do something about it because I needed help, so it was a huge relief to me to be diagnosed and have my suspicions confirmed. Knowing finally what makes me tick meant that I could better understand things about my behaviour that had puzzled me, and my unusual feelings and reactions, and find closure for painful events in the past.

 

[Mattymatt]

I had a mixture of relief and depression when I found out. I was relieved because it explained all of my difficulties and depressed because I did not know where to go or what to do from that point. I was diagnosed in the summer of 2014 at the end of the second weekly in July. The past 5 years have been a living hell for me. This year has been somewhat better and I am hoping the trend continues into 2019.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

My life is difficult now and has always been. I've always hated myself, and I still do, but if I do turn out to be autistic, maybe I can finally learn to stop hating myself. I was always nagged about going on and on about the same thing, having a routine for everything, being childish and stupid yet getting good grades in school, sensitive hearing so the major problem, I was told I was using too much air freshener, and we often run out, I couldn't touch or sit in seats or at a table when I was younger because I didn't like how it felt (I HATED being touched when I was little which is why I was scared of the spider's web instead of the spider itself), people thought I was weird because I was goody and acted like an animal (I still kinda do when I'm alone. Don't judge me as I already do that myself.), I have always stimmed (like rocking back and forth, shaking my foot, making weird noises, chewing on inedible things that feel and taste good), I never understood or was able to understand adult stuff like finance, I hardly understand adult language with big words I never heard before.., I'm always having a "tantrum" and losing my mind because of the loud houses torturing me too much, and I just feel that overwhelm and build up inside of me until I explode (figuratively, of course), I was told I used to hit my head as a toddler out of frustration that I couldn't get my words out and had to have speech therapy (I still have the gloves that an occupational therapist used to rub my arm to calm me down, and no, they don't work now), if I get tortured by loud houses too much, I end up banging my head (and one time, I bit myself but not hard enough to do any damage), I have OCD and depression (in which I used to going to therapy for until we were unable to go there anymore for scheduling reasons), I noticed I have a monotone voice, and I was always nagged about being unable to make eye contact with people or read social cues like for when someone is uninterested in what I have to say. It's like no one cares what I have to say. I was told that I ended up being kicked out of daycare (not literally but had to leave) because of me hitting my head and other kids were copying me. Of course, learning that made me hate myself even more. The fact that I had all these problems and didn't know why just made me only conclude that I was a loser who had bad luck. I was born a defect. That is, if it is not autism, then it's defectiveness that I have. I just wasn't born the right way like everyone else.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

AuBurney you joined about year ago and still not sure weather you have autism, why don't you get diagnosed?

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

AuBurney you joined about year ago and still not sure weather you have autism, why don't you get diagnosed?

I just had my test. Didn't you read my threads? I'll have to wait about a month for follow-up.

 

[Anonym]

I’m still in the process of diagnosis. We’re taking an “assessment during sessions” approach for insurance reasons, so I don’t have anything official yet, but my therapist has begun to say things like “yup, that’s the aspergers”, so I feel like I’ve at least had my suspicions unofficially validated for now (I’m looking forward to receiving the official report).

I do wonder sometimes what things would have been like, had I known earlier in life. I’m 37 now and began suspecting after I discovered the word “aspie” at 30 (what the heck is an aspie? I’m gonna look that up. Oh, um wow. Holy crap. Must keep reading, must keep reading...), during a particularly difficult time in my life. I dove into researching it with the usual intensity that accompanies my interests, spent the following years observing and self assessing under a new perspective and decided I was ready to seek a professional assessment after another abysmal employment fail.

And here I am.

I’m not sure how it has affected my emotions. It could take me a long time to figure that part out and I don’t know if I’ll have a heightened emotional response when it becomes “official”, but I definitely value the perspective and understanding that the accumulation of this new knowledge has provided.

Like so many here, I could write pages and pages, listing all the signs from my whole life. I’m still discovering and remembering things to add to the list.

I continue to actively learn as much as I can and this forum has been amazingly insightful. I’m grateful for its presence and the participation of its members, so thank you all for your openness, inquisitiveness and willingness to share your experiences and engage in these conversations. It’s changing my life and providing a sense of peace and personal acceptance I have never had before.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

It'll probably be the end of October or the Beginning of November when they calle back for follow-up and maybe results. I hope I'm just autistic and not the defective mistake I think I am.. (Ignore any grammatical or spelling errors; that's just my stupid typos and auto correction. I'm typing on a phone, so it's easier to make typos and grammatical errors.) If I do get diagnosed as autistic, I could finally learn to stop hating myself, and I would have a good explanation to why I'm always asking for help in class (I'm in college). I'm not just going to walk up to them and say that I'm autistic. No. If they ask or get irritated when I ask questions, I could just say "Well, I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I'm not gonna get it right away like everyone else." At least, I would have a good reason I can't understand stuff instead of just being dumb like I think I am.

 

[Pats]

I’m still in the process of diagnosis. We’re taking an “assessment during sessions” approach for insurance reasons, so I don’t have anything official yet, but my therapist has begun to say things like “yup, that’s the aspergers”, so I feel like I’ve at least had my suspicions unofficially validated for now (I’m looking forward to receiving the official report).

I do wonder sometimes what things would have been like, had I known earlier in life. I’m 37 now and began suspecting after I discovered the word “aspie” at 30 (what the heck is an aspie? I’m gonna look that up. Oh, um wow. Holy crap. Must keep reading, must keep reading...), during a particularly difficult time in my life. I dove into researching it with the usual intensity that accompanies my interests, spent the following years observing and self assessing under a new perspective and decided I was ready to seek a professional assessment after another abysmal employment fail.

And here I am.

I’m not sure how it has affected my emotions. It could take me a long time to figure that part out and I don’t know if I’ll have a heightened emotional response when it becomes “official”, but I definitely value the perspective and understanding that the accumulation of this new knowledge has provided.

Like so many here, I could write pages and pages, listing all the signs from my whole life. I’m still discovering and remembering things to add to the list.

I continue to actively learn as much as I can and this forum has been amazingly insightful. I’m grateful for its presence and the participation of its members, so thank you all for your openness, inquisitiveness and willingness to share your experiences and engage in these conversations. It’s changing my life and providing a sense of peace and personal acceptance I have never had before.

Your realizations sound much like mine were. And I'm also still learning, still comparing, still questioning. Some days something will just hit me and I'll feel like I'm defective, but then I remind myself of the things I have actually survived and accomplished in my life and feel proud that I did it in spite of any defect. But when I think of who I am, instead of how my brain did not develop in a neurotypical way, I feel blessed that I'm like I am and not just another shallow human being who just doesn't seem to get it. I get frustrated trying to explain things to some neurotypicals - sometimes it feels like they don't even care to understand truths.

 

[Pats]

Ignore any grammatical or spelling errors; that's just my stupid typos and auto correction. I'm typing on a phone, so it's easier to make typos and grammatical errors.

- why do these phones do this??? I write an everyday word and it'll change it to a non word, and I won't notice until I've sent it and doing my re-reading it thing. lol