Rudy Schmidt
Electric Child
Hi, all. I posted a rather waffling introductory post in the intro forum, but still have a lot of confusing feelings rattling around in my head. I'm posting this partly to get it off my chest and into text (which seems to help), and partly in hopes that others may share advice or similar experiences. I'll try not to be too long-winded.
I'm a 26 year old male who grew up in South Wales and moved by myself at age 21, to the USA to marry my current wife.
As a child, I was always eccentric and a loner, with many strange habits and mannerisms that I have since learned are textbook Aspergers. Nothing needed diagnosing because, despite my differences, I usually coped relatively well with them.
As an adult, my personality hasn't changed much, although my eccentricities seem to have exaggerated themselves. I put much of this down to my dramatic change in environment (it's been five years, and I still don't fit in).
A recent spike in my meltdowns and a collapse of my ability to cope with other people prompted some research. I always knew I was different, but I never knew quite how or why - I thought maybe I was just weirdly obsessive (OCD, perhaps?), had some odd tics (or habits, as my nan called them), or was just simply devastatingly introverted.
Anyway, when I looked into this and started talking to people about it, it became clear that my symptoms were identical to most of those described by AS. From obvious ones like having to run to the toilet to escape from people for a few minutes, all the way down to tiny quirks I never thought of before, like pacing in circles, getting unhealthily attached to inanimate objects, fearing even small changes, and forging your own personality Borg-style by taking mannerisms etc you liked from other people.
That was all well and good, but there was one thing that didn't sit right with me - the social aspect. Even though I never liked socializing and get easily exhausted (and sometimes panicked) by it, I've always been good at it. I can make jokes; if somebody is really upset with me, I usually know; I recognize most facial expressions; etc. And I've always been good - or at least, I THOUGHT I was good - at mapping behaviour. People are like computers - if Event A happens to them, usually Reaction B follows. Certain things make people act different ways. People like certain behaviours and hate others. They often miss certain things (like if you pretend to put a piece of food into your mouth and eat it, even if there's no food on the plate, they don't notice, even if they're looking right at you).
I've watched these social rules my whole life and learned them really well. So now, when I interact with people, I know how to do it to get positive responses (unfortunately, I often feel like the ONLY person who follows those rules, as other people don't seem to care if they make you happy or not). This seemed totally counter to what I know about AS.
So I took the tests - many different tests - expecting to barely be on the spectrum, if at all. My test results were far higher than I expected, however:
Aspie score: 160 of 200
Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 65 of 200
AQ: 37-40 (took it many times)
RAADS-R total score: 171
I admit than when I saw all of these results in front of me, I had a breakdown. It was like someone had punched a giant hole in my whole worldview. Everything that was normal to me was suddenly abnormal. I even had my wife take the tests herself, to see if the tests were wrong, but she scored very neurotypically.
As I said in another thread, I have no insurance, and don't earn nearly enough to get a formal diagnosis, but the tests, the evidence, and the opinions of close friends and relatives (several of whom have degrees in psychology and extensive experience with Autism and Aspergers) seem to all but guarantee it. And I think I know it in my gut, too, on most levels.
I still have a problem accepting it. I think I'm glad that my quirks are explained, but now I'm second guessing myself at every turn. My normal personality seems flawed and wrong, and I've been in a sort of poker-faced state for days. I know I haven't changed, and that I'm not supposed to change, and I'm sure that I'll get my normal personality back soon, but I feel like a computer that just had its entire hard drive corrupted. I can't tell if the tests are all wrong, or if I'm wrong, or if I'm just blind to my own differences. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy - I like knowing why I'm so different, and that I'm not just a screwed-up NT - It's just awful confusing.
Has anybody else had a reaction like this? Does anybody have any thoughts or advice?
I'm a 26 year old male who grew up in South Wales and moved by myself at age 21, to the USA to marry my current wife.
As a child, I was always eccentric and a loner, with many strange habits and mannerisms that I have since learned are textbook Aspergers. Nothing needed diagnosing because, despite my differences, I usually coped relatively well with them.
As an adult, my personality hasn't changed much, although my eccentricities seem to have exaggerated themselves. I put much of this down to my dramatic change in environment (it's been five years, and I still don't fit in).
A recent spike in my meltdowns and a collapse of my ability to cope with other people prompted some research. I always knew I was different, but I never knew quite how or why - I thought maybe I was just weirdly obsessive (OCD, perhaps?), had some odd tics (or habits, as my nan called them), or was just simply devastatingly introverted.
Anyway, when I looked into this and started talking to people about it, it became clear that my symptoms were identical to most of those described by AS. From obvious ones like having to run to the toilet to escape from people for a few minutes, all the way down to tiny quirks I never thought of before, like pacing in circles, getting unhealthily attached to inanimate objects, fearing even small changes, and forging your own personality Borg-style by taking mannerisms etc you liked from other people.
That was all well and good, but there was one thing that didn't sit right with me - the social aspect. Even though I never liked socializing and get easily exhausted (and sometimes panicked) by it, I've always been good at it. I can make jokes; if somebody is really upset with me, I usually know; I recognize most facial expressions; etc. And I've always been good - or at least, I THOUGHT I was good - at mapping behaviour. People are like computers - if Event A happens to them, usually Reaction B follows. Certain things make people act different ways. People like certain behaviours and hate others. They often miss certain things (like if you pretend to put a piece of food into your mouth and eat it, even if there's no food on the plate, they don't notice, even if they're looking right at you).
I've watched these social rules my whole life and learned them really well. So now, when I interact with people, I know how to do it to get positive responses (unfortunately, I often feel like the ONLY person who follows those rules, as other people don't seem to care if they make you happy or not). This seemed totally counter to what I know about AS.
So I took the tests - many different tests - expecting to barely be on the spectrum, if at all. My test results were far higher than I expected, however:
Aspie score: 160 of 200
Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 65 of 200
AQ: 37-40 (took it many times)
RAADS-R total score: 171
I admit than when I saw all of these results in front of me, I had a breakdown. It was like someone had punched a giant hole in my whole worldview. Everything that was normal to me was suddenly abnormal. I even had my wife take the tests herself, to see if the tests were wrong, but she scored very neurotypically.
As I said in another thread, I have no insurance, and don't earn nearly enough to get a formal diagnosis, but the tests, the evidence, and the opinions of close friends and relatives (several of whom have degrees in psychology and extensive experience with Autism and Aspergers) seem to all but guarantee it. And I think I know it in my gut, too, on most levels.
I still have a problem accepting it. I think I'm glad that my quirks are explained, but now I'm second guessing myself at every turn. My normal personality seems flawed and wrong, and I've been in a sort of poker-faced state for days. I know I haven't changed, and that I'm not supposed to change, and I'm sure that I'll get my normal personality back soon, but I feel like a computer that just had its entire hard drive corrupted. I can't tell if the tests are all wrong, or if I'm wrong, or if I'm just blind to my own differences. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy - I like knowing why I'm so different, and that I'm not just a screwed-up NT - It's just awful confusing.
Has anybody else had a reaction like this? Does anybody have any thoughts or advice?
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I've heard a lot about Tony Atwood - I really need to read some of his work.
