Emotional intelligence -- rant

[elements]

Watched a video that made alot of sense expressing"Normals" seem to interact with one with another based on an emotional guidance system that when something feels good or is pleasant they tend to lean into it hense the building of friendships and spending more time together with of course a deeper connections based on commonality and interests.
But this makes me feel like a manipulator.. That if i make u feel good you will be more pleasant with me? If i appease your ego and make u feel good about yourself.. If i dont express myself too much simply because we dont know each other that well So i dont make you uncomfortable.. it doesn't make any sense.. how am i suppose to always read so deeply into someones emotional wellbeing and be proper.. its like everyone is living with the same emotional guidance and reactions to things?
Everyone then is lying to some extent to make the moment FEEL good.. So if someone looks bad you cant be honest about it, if something bothers you.. if someone hurts you.. its all in the avoidance of FEELINGS.. it angers me so deeply that a whole society can be so illogical and it be whats considered normal and healthy.
Everyone is play a game not to step on toes or make something awkward ...just playing a stupid game and not being true to ourselfs.. then people get lost in it and become the mask.. just like the movie

I'm sorry for the rant but i feel very alone and stuck with this problem.

 

[Pats]

I think that's why NT's don't especially like us, because we are more honest with our feelings. We're more realistic to ours and theirs existence and factual events going on around them and us. We don't play their games and they don't know how to handle real life. Just a thought. .

 

[OlLiE]

i wouldn't call social behaviour scripted,
rather i see it as instinctive,
if people were honest with each other it would end in bloodshed,

in life most things turn out to be compromise to reach a successful outcome, whether it be primordial survival, a marriage, procreation, completing a project at work,
as a result we often need to work/live with others,
to complete something successfully, we often need the support of others,
to be able to be creative which includes 'failure', we often need the support of others
the social graces are there so that compromises can be made and results can be achieved,

honesty often seems to imply that one thinks one's opinion is more valid than another's,
everyone knows someone who has said something nasty and then just adds 'i'm just being honest'

often people have their own version of the 'truth' that they are being 'honest' about

so it is dangerous to assume that honesty is always the higher ideal, even honesty can be used dishonestly

i wish the world was black and white, but it isn't,
if everyone was always brutally honest, all the time, then we would probably not have survived as a species, if from an evolutionary standpoint pure honesty had been the superior paradigm, well then that is what we all would be today

 

[SusanLR]

I get into trouble with being honest too.
But I just can't see or maybe feel it is right to not be.
An example happend just a few hours ago:
Someone was talking about roofs. They mentioned "satched" roofs.
I did not recognise that word. So they gave me that sort of "do you understand what I'm talking about?"
routine.
I replied " Do you mean thatched roof? Roofs made of palm leaves or straw and hay woven together?"

"Yeah. Isn't that what I said?"

I told them I didn't know what a "satched" roof was and wanted to make sure I understood what they
said correctly.
"Well, isn't that what I said? What's the difference between what I said and what you're calling it?"

Total illogic to me, so I said: "The difference would be in how it would be spelled."
"One way it is with an S, what I said would be with a Th."
Holy cow! I got the "Excuuuuse ME!" and they walked away.

Personally I would want to know the correct way of pronunciation and spelling if the other didn't understand what I was saying.

 

[Progster]

I get into trouble with being honest too.
But I just can't see or maybe feel it is right to not be.
An example happend just a few hours ago:
Someone was talking about roofs. They mentioned "satched" roofs.
I did not recognise that word. So they gave me that sort of "do you understand what I'm talking about?"
routine.
I replied " Do you mean thatched roof? Roofs made of palm leaves or straw and hay woven together?"

"Yeah. Isn't that what I said?"

I told them I didn't know what a "satched" roof was and wanted to make sure I understood what they
said correctly.
"Well, isn't that what I said? What's the difference between what I said and what you're calling it?"

Total illogic to me, so I said: "The difference would be in how it would be spelled."
"One way it is with an S, what I said would be with a Th."
Holy cow! I got the "Excuuuuse ME!" and they walked away.

Personally I would want to know the correct way of pronunciation and spelling if the other didn't understand what I was saying.

It sounds to me like that person has a slight speech impediment and means to say 'thatched' but can't pronounce the 'th' and says 's' instead.

But yes, I agree, there is definitely a manipulative element to it, not necessarily dishonesty, but swaying the interaction one way or another - people don't just interact with words but also with emotions.

 

[Autistamatic]

IMO it only feels like manipulation to me because I am consciously thinking about it and making calculated decisions on how to act instead of doing it unconsciously.
Take the classic example:
"Does my bum look big in this?"
If the answer is "yes" I know that the person will feel self conscious if they realise when they are out, and they may suspect the outfit isn't working already. My logical thought would be to be honest to save them embarrassment later.
"I'm afraid it does. Why don't you try the other trousers again?"
I have learned that being honest in such situations usually backfires on me, but I can't lie about it so I try to choose a tactful way of telling them without hurting their feelings.
"I think the other trousers look much better with that jacket" or something.
I also know that saying
"No - you look great" is probably what they want to hear, but I can't bring myself to be that dishonest.
It feels like I am using carefully chosen words to push them in a certain direction, however if I was NT I might have said exactly the same thing, without the calculation - it would just "feel" like the right thing to say.

 

[Catana]

It's only manipulation when you choose an emotional interaction in order to deliberately cause a specific reaction from someone else. You seem to be assuming that's what this is all about. As OlLie said, most interactions are instinctive.

 

[Tom]

Overthinking. How else choose friends?

 

[Pats]

Friends vs acquaintances. Co-workers and people you see on a regular basis, not by choosing, are acquaintances. Friends are those you choose to spend time with and talk to on a regular basis. Have you ever thought about how you do choose friends? I think it's by nature that you choose friends that tend to think like you, have some of the same interests as you, enjoys talking about the same subjects as you. If you think about it people tend to spend more time around people who are like themselves. I always kind of thought because this tends to be the way it is, that's why we have families - to learn to be around those who are not like us and become more accepting and tolerant of those who may even be completely opposite because we are forced to live with them. It makes it easier to deal with those acquaintances we have to interact with.
I am not talking about sociopaths and such who are unable to form any kind of attachments, or narcissists who choose to be around those to make themselves look good.
And as far as honesty. No one wants real honesty all the time. For instance (and I am including myself), a lot of things posted on this forum are looking for a specific response. When a person posts about a situation that was difficult for them, they're not looking for opposing opinions, they're looking for support and someone to say they understand. Sometimes the purpose of the post is not picked up on and we may say the wrong thing and it creates tension. I've been on both ends of that, but I do try if I realize my response is not the desired response, to either keep my fingers away from the keyboard at that point or if I can honestly do so, change my approach. Because, yes, we are dealing with human beings and often times broken hearts. But at time. We are inviting people in, along with their opinions, and being aware of that, I hope tension from unwanted comments are temporary. While I may not like something someone else has to say, I respect their right to say it and will not hold it against them and, in turn, hope to have the same rights.