Embarrassing Stuff

[The Lovely Lexi]

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this feeling before. I seem to be too embarrassed to tell any significant others that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This has led to many miscommunications since I'm a very emotional and quiet person and tend to run away from my problems. I avoided telling my partner at the time because I was still coping with my diagnosis and felt like I was a freak and feared rejection. I still feel this way from time to time, as time has progressed since my diagnosis. I am just curious to see if there's anybody out there that has experienced this feeling and how to cope with it.

 

[Alaska]

Hi Lexi. Most of us here have probably experienced your problem to some degree. I am still dealing with it also, since I am not officially diagnosed.

I do not choose to share my Aspergers with everyone. Part of it is because the reception I get when I have told people is not always encouraging.

Going from what others say on here plus personal experience, it may not be a good idea to share that we have Aspergers with everyone we know.

 

[Maelstrom]

I shared it with everyone it does come with a price you never can tell who will turn against you because of it. I even had two parent with 2 autistic kids basically have zero respect for me because of it.
Didn't stop them from using me for favors tho when they needed help Sigh!

I had a friend here who loved to talk endlessly on the autism stuff but when it was her time to show her test stuff she clammed up and would admit to zero autism stuff kept saying she didn't have this or that when it was totally obvious she did...maybe she was like you and it was just too hard to deal with or something I don't know?

Am sorry it is hard for you @The Lovely Lexi lovely

 

[Keigan]

Recently self-diagnosed at age 53, now that I know I celebrate my AS as I have found the answered to so many questions. With this new understanding, yes I would disclose up front in any romantic type of relationship so they have the opportunity to raise their awareness if they choose. This is very real and it's not going to change.

 

[SusanLR]

I don't share my diagnosis either with anyone unless I have to or if they are another Aspie then I am open about everything. I was very afraid of rejection from the person I live with when I learned that I had Aspergers. But, I knew I needed to tell him otherwise he would just wonder why I have meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety for what seems no reason to him, need alone time and sometimes need clarification of things he says.
He didn't tell me to get lost as I feared when I first started explaining it to him. If anything, it helped. I didn't unload it all at one time or it might have been overwhelming. But, as I opened up more and he's learned there are many others with the same traits that are on the spectrum, I think he started wanting to understand and learn more about it. I wouldn't share it with just anyone though.
Even in my own acceptance there have been phases to go through. At first it was like "Oh, wow, I understand me now and there are many others to the really letting it all settle in and accepting it instead of feelings of guilt or inferiority for being different.

 

[Ambi]

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this feeling before. I seem to be too embarrassed to tell any significant others that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This has led to many miscommunications since I'm a very emotional and quiet person and tend to run away from my problems. I avoided telling my partner at the time because I was still coping with my diagnosis and felt like I was a freak and feared rejection. I still feel this way from time to time, as time has progressed since my diagnosis. I am just curious to see if there's anybody out there that has experienced this feeling and how to cope with it.

My husband knows, and I have mentioned it to my 2 friends, but I don't know if the friends even remember. I have not told anyone else, and it does affect me and how I act and how I fail to show up for things.....and yes, I worry at the flakey/insensitive impression they probably have of me. But I do not want to tell them. I just don't trust their reactions. I am very blessed that my husband is very supportive. I think on this forum I have seen mixed levels of support from spouses - so you may hear from some others who have had it go less smoothly, and see how that experience was. Maybe after hearing from all of us you can work up the confidence to tell him, who knows?

 

[Suzanne]

I am not officially diagnosed and so, really I cannot say for sure, if it was ever confirmed, whether I would embrace it or be freaked out by it, which is rather weird thinking, since we have not changed in the personality. It is not like: one day, neurtypical and diagnosis comes along and suddenly we are an aspie!

Aspergers is a particularly nasty thing to have, because we do not look any different from an nt, until we speak or go into meltdown or go into staring mode.

Of course, not many people are affliated with aspergers. Everyone has heard of autism and so, if you say: I am on the autism spectrum and yet, look completely normal, people are going to say things like: no way; you look so normal and I get that, but it doesn't make me autistic etc etc. It is like we must bring on an aspie trait, in order to prove our worth and so, it makes us reluctant to actually share what is going on.

Just recently, I met a female aspie and it was interesting to me, because she was diagnosed as a child and she looked normal and did not avoid eye contact at all. In fact, she wears her "status" with pride. Her auntie introduced me and said: this is Suzanne and she has aspergers too.

Another said that I look normal, but because she has spent quite a lot of time in my company, my aspieness manifests itself and so, she does not go around saying: no way are you an aspie. Plus, she has a nephew who is and said that much of what I say and do, echos him.

Personally, I would get to know the person and then, share what is going on.

 

[Bolletje]

I felt a little embarrassed at first, but then I realized that I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have as much influence on being born with Aspergers as I have on the colour of my eyes or my preference for spicy foods.

 

[OlLiE]

i prefer to deal with issues from the get go, the quick pain rather than the dragged out pain, so i'm open about in relationships and work, if you're not open then your counterparts will expect NT behaviour, an expectation that will likely wear you out, and rather than one conversation you will have many each time a problem arises, ultimately people will find out through experience, and they will most likely from a negative opinion over you because they don't understand the problem

managing expectations can avoid stress for you and help you weed out the supportive people from the time wasters.

 

[Hartley]

Why would it be embarrassing for someone who has Asperger's to tell their significant others that they are mildly autistic? It would help them to understand you better. You shouldn't feel embarrassed.

 

[Hartley]

Most of my friends are not on the spectrum and they couldn't care less that I am autistic.

 

[Maelstrom]

It may not be wise but I use it to sort people, I can only handle a few close friends at a time,so I hate wasting my precious social energy on people who will go bad on my aspie stuff.
Some people just can not accept anything they don't understand or like, and even if they are nice at first they turn on you for being too different.
It is in my opinion better to not invest precious social energy in non aspie compatible people, but some situations like jobs may require hiding it just to survive...starving to death is not a very good option, also family you can not git rid of may require pretending you are normal just to survive Christmas or Thanksgiving Etcetera?

Basically I am saying you need to measure the cost verses benefit on being open about being a aspie it may have been unwise for me to tell my whole church in hindsight.
People who abuse me for being a aspie have to answer to God later on it tho!

 

[Judge]

I've told those in my most "inner circle". Those I thought were closest to me either through blood or a lifetime of family ties. At the time I thought it was all such an epiphany worth telling them! And I ended up with an uncomfortable mixture of responses from very good to very bad.

Simple resolve. Need-to-know" basis only. There's no way to anticipate someone's reaction to such a thing, no matter how close you think they are to you, or how long they may have known you. BEWARE. Think before sharing such information.

I'm not categorically saying "don't". Just "measure" the possible consequences no matter what their relationship to you may be. To at least first grasp the possibility of risk with such an admission.

 

[Grandmother B]

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this feeling before. I seem to be too embarrassed to tell any significant others that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This has led to many miscommunications since I'm a very emotional and quiet person and tend to run away from my problems. I avoided telling my partner at the time because I was still coping with my diagnosis and felt like I was a freak and feared rejection. I still feel this way from time to time, as time has progressed since my diagnosis. I am just curious to see if there's anybody out there that has experienced this feeling and how to cope with it.

I think that the fear you have is perfectly justified. Most people have never heard of Asperger's and do not know that it is on the Autism spectrum. I hope people become more aware of it and learn more, especially first responders, and people like that. It comes down to "Has this person earned my trust or not?" It's a scary thing to open yourself up like that. I wish you the best of luck and many friends!

 

[Mary Horsley]

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this feeling before. I seem to be too embarrassed to tell any significant others that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This has led to many miscommunications since I'm a very emotional and quiet person and tend to run away from my problems. I avoided telling my partner at the time because I was still coping with my diagnosis and felt like I was a freak and feared rejection. I still feel this way from time to time, as time has progressed since my diagnosis. I am just curious to see if there's anybody out there that has experienced this feeling and how to cope with it.

Don't be embarrassed to tell people about your being Asperger. It is you and most people will appreciate who you truly are. It is just a fact that we Aspies tend to lead a quiet life and don't have many friends. At 62, I am still trying to cope with it, myself.

Mary

 

[Strong and kind]

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this feeling before. I seem to be too embarrassed to tell any significant others that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This has led to many miscommunications since I'm a very emotional and quiet person and tend to run away from my problems. I avoided telling my partner at the time because I was still coping with my diagnosis and felt like I was a freak and feared rejection. I still feel this way from time to time, as time has progressed since my diagnosis. I am just curious to see if there's anybody out there that has experienced this feeling and how to cope with it.

Hi,

Your post made me think about my last relationship, and I just wrote a long thing about it in a separate thread.

Since I'm on the other side of your question as the NT (but also HSP and HSS) who was with someone who has AS, I can only respond from that perspective, which obviously also is entirely subjective.

I think knowing and accepting yourself as you are, with or without a diagnosis, is key to making the right decision in how and when to share with your partner that you have AS. My ex waited months to tell me, but he hinted at it numerous times, which I'm now realizing I didn't really get. He didn't know that I had researched AS extensively before I met him and it wouldn't have fazed me. I didn't think he had it because he did such a good job at being semi-normal (I never fell for the conventional types anyway ) that it didn't occur to me. now, I wish he had told me from the get-go that he had AS. It would have made it easier for me to understand and support him and I would not have loved him any less.

I also wonder if mentioning the diagnosis is always the right thing. Some people get scared off by labels, or think they know your experience even though they don't understand it. They may have preconceived notions about AS that will prevent them from seeing you as the person you are. Or they may be like me, totally open and curious, and actually supportive of understanding how you and your needs may be different than mine. I think the most important thing is that you feel open to be yourself, exactly as you are, and then see if your partner is still there for you.

It's always uncomfortable to make ourselves vulnerable with people we care about. I think that's true for a lot of people. However, it's also the only way to know that you are loved for who you are.

 

[Adora]

I also don't like to tell people unless I feel they need to know but when I found out I was on the spectrum my husband told he already knew before I did because he says some of my behaviour is similar to my autistic brother but he has been supportive and understanding,but majority of people wouldn't know that I'm on the Spectrum but they do apparently pick up on my shyness and even sometimes eye contact issues and my husband does say some people while they may not know may understand there is something there.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

I think that if you're planning on spending a lot of time with your partner, like you plan on dating them for a while, you should definitely tell them about your diagnosis. It will help them understand you better, and the longer you keep it the more they'll be upset about you not telling them. They'll be upset that you kept it a secret so long and we're afraid to tell them about it. To have a successful relationship, you need to tell your partner everything. Dishonesty is a huge, huge problem between couples and if you start out without being completely honest, it will be hard for them to trust you in the future.

 

[Strong and kind]

Hi,

Your post made me think about my last relationship, and I just wrote a long thing about it in a separate thread.

Since I'm on the other side of your question as the NT (but also HSP and HSS) who was with someone who has AS, I can only respond from that perspective, which obviously also is entirely subjective.

I think knowing and accepting yourself as you are, with or without a diagnosis, is key to making the right decision in how and when to share with your partner that you have AS. My ex waited months to tell me, but he hinted at it numerous times, which I'm now realizing I didn't really get. He didn't know that I had researched AS extensively before I met him and it wouldn't have fazed me. I didn't think he had it because he did such a good job at being semi-normal (I never fell for the conventional types anyway ) that it didn't occur to me. now, I wish he had told me from the get-go that he had AS. It would have made it easier for me to understand and support him and I would not have loved him any less.

I also wonder if mentioning the diagnosis is always the right thing. Some people get scared off by labels, or think they know your experience even though they don't understand it. They may have preconceived notions about AS that will prevent them from seeing you as the person you are. Or they may be like me, totally open and curious, and actually supportive of understanding how you and your needs may be different than mine. I do think the most important thing is that you are honest with who you are. That you feel open to be yourself, exactly as you are, and are loved as you are.

It's always uncomfortable to make ourselves vulnerable with people we care about. I think that's true for a lot of people. However, it's also the only way to know that you are loved for who you are.

 

[Lady Lucifer]

The three relationships I have been in, have known I had ASD prior to us dating, which made me feel more comfortable, to be honest. This way I felt as if I had nothing to hide. Boyfriend #1 and #3 I dated in institutions for those with disabilities, so it made the playing field less intimidating. All three of the boyfriends I have had were not NT, but weren't all aspies either, except for #1 and maybe #2.

I'm now in an area, where I dissoaiate with aspies, as I feel it makes me more approachable to new partners .(and it brings me trauma with that label) And I haven't (seriously) dated anyone in like two years. So I'm debating, if I were to date an NT person, how would I come out of the aspie closet? I'll get back to you, when I have an answer.