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Embarrassed dad needs help with Asperger son

Dadwhoneedshelp

New Member
I'll try not to make this wall a text. Hi, new member here, I'm not quite sure where to turn to, and I know this might be be better for a different forum area, but I'm pretty desperate here and need all the views I can get.


I have a 12 yo son with Aspergers. He's a really good kid, but has been struggling with some depression the last 2 years since we moved across the country for my job (the shutdown also probably hurt just as much if not more); he's gotten quite a bit better recently but not yet thriving. He's always had some shame surrounding going #2 - and just going to the bathroom stuff in general, which is mostly from my wife and I not knowing how to parent a child with Aspergers when he was young - but after we moved he absolutely refuses to go #2 on the toilet. This is incredibly embarrassing to admit. Yes, you read that right, he hasn't gone #2 on the toilet for two years now. He was going onto a towel when we first moved, now he won't even do that, he just goes onto the floor in one little area. We clean whenever it happens, but obviously it's gross and unsanitary. Like I said, this is incredibly embarrassing to admit that we've not been able to solve this.


I'm in so deep at this point I'm not sure how to get out. Therapy is an option but probably not for a few months, not to mention I'm not sure how we'd get him to go, it's darn need impossible to get him to go anywhere due to his anxiety. I feel like we've tried basically everything at this point concerning the #2 on the toilet problem. Talking, rewards, trying to assuage his fears, which he won't really tell us what they are because he "doesn't want us to try to change him". Obviously we're not trying to change him as a person, but going #2 on the toilet is a life skill he absolutely needs, but he doesn't seem to get it regardless of the approach we take. So unfortunately we've just been enabling, and I'm running out of time so I know we need to deal with this issue now before he gets too old. The only thing of significant value for him is being able to go on the computer, so that's about the only thing I can use for a reward at this point. I'm worried that if I try to do something like "you can only use the computer now if you go #2 on the toilet" that will create a huge rift and send him back down into depression and he won't respond to us about anything at all. The last thing we need is for him to emotionally shutdown again. So, I feel stuck.


Has anyone faced something similar? I'm open to hearing all ideas. I realize I've failed him in this area, but I want to be better, just not sure what to do now. I love my son and just want to help him.
 
If he goes in the same spot could you go back to potty training and try and work him up to using the bathroom again?

Ed
 
No clue sir that's a new one. I dont even know the proper words for stuff but I have a few ideas.

So for invalid level sick ppl they make a modern chamber pot, I would just get one of those and see if he will use it. In his safe place like a bedroom

It may be a magical thinking thing. So something about the bathroom is scary for your son. The fear he cannot speak of because of the magical thinking.

So here is my thought. It's likely the mirror. Try covering up the mirror with a bedsheet and a few thumb tacks, then if that works you can just put a curtain rod up later.

Magical thinking wont make sense to you as a rationalist. I wont make fun of something that's real to alot of us, just to try and help you.

So there is likely an evil spirit in the bathroom. A paint job might help. Sometimes if a man cannot find or afford the professional to cleanse the space, then he might try things himself. That could make things worse.

A house cleansing is not difficult, but a blind man cannot paint a portrait. If you are just pretending, it wont work. A sort of disposable totem might change things, but the cleansing or consecration of the home is likely the first step.

So there may have been a delusion based in a hallucinatory experience. Son could literally see something frightening
Put the lid down and have a seat, see if anything stands out. Think about paint. If you can get son to help you paint the room, or participate in any way that I will add his blessing to it, so to speak
 
Other stuff too but a fun paint job, like a kid would do might help. Different colors on different panels, contrasting colors on edges, fades in the corner.

If the whole issue is that there was some sort of bullying or abuse of the son in the bathroom then that's going to be harder to dig up. Also, not being mean here, but I think it's time for a new shrink, for the whole family
 
I don't have answers. I am sorry. That situation is incredibly frustrating.
In the short term, will he go on a puppy pad?
Can you pinpoint why he won't use the toilet? Perhaps there is some tactile reason behind his mistrust of toilets. Maybe the texture of the seat, or the lighting is wrong or the seat squeeks?
Is he open to trying a porta potty placed in his spot? He might just be squeemish about a communal comode?

I assume that, because he can argue with you, he has reasoning skills. Have you tried insisting that he clean up after himself? He might have a meltdown about it though so you would have to consider the aftermath of that approach.

Frankly, I think you can be honest with him too. "Yes, we are trying to change this habit. It is not ok."
Try to find domething he agrees is not ok and use that as an example to demonstrate why the habit is not ok.

It is not the same by any means but issues with pooping are pretty common with many childeren. My brother would hold back until his poop was so big it could not be flushed. He kept a poop knife behind the toilet. (He also pooped his pants into his teens)

My son refused to poop unless he could have a full bath after. As as adult he uses a bidet and carries wet wipes when he goes out.
 
@Dadwhoneedshelp

Compare the two bath rooms....
What is different about this bathroom compared with the one
in the place you moved from?

Was he using the toilet in the old house, for pee and poop?

What were his feelings toward the move?

Inappropriate toileting habits in pets are related to some form of
disruption in their lives: illness, new people in the house, emotional
upheaval etc. It seems to me that similar issues would be involved in
the case of a human animal.
 
Was he using the toilet in the old house, for pee and poop?
Yes. What's interesting is he will go pee here in the new house on the toilet, but not poop.

Another poster mentioned the mirror. It's worth noting the mirror is 90 degrees to the left and large in the new bathroom so you can clearly see yourself from the waist up, that might be a factor. As well as there is a door (with blinds) right next to the toilet, so you can kind of see out the side crack a bit when seated on the toilet. I thought the door might be an issue in the past but he's never admitted it is one way or the other. The mirror is something I didn't think of.
 
Maybe he's standing to pee?

So that would make a difference, the direction he's facing and
what he sees from that position/view point.
 
Would it be possible to give him his own toilet? RV & camping supply places have special chemical toilets which could be put pretty much anywhere. It’d be at least a step in the right direction.

——

Welcome.

:)
 
@Jeremiah, that is a great video! I am new to autisim and I am still putting the pieces together. I never realized that my own "sudden need" has a real basis and I didn't know it was related to autisim. I can go further with this too, I could not tell when I was in labor with my son. All I can think is WOW!

I also think this video has relevance to @Dadwhoneedshelp. Perhaps there is a message relating to autonomy that may be beneficial in finding an answer.
 
As an autistic adult, I have a thought or two that may (or may not) be relevant.

Sensory issues are a big deal with most autistic people (myself included).

Is there something about the sensation of sitting on the toilet seat that may be screwing around with his tactile issues.

You may get better results if you switch toilet seats to one that has a different texture (there are soft, vinyl toilet seats, for example).

Part of this sensory issue (if that's what it is) may be the concept of "referred pain."

An example of referred pain is when a man has pain in the shoulder or arm when he's having a heart attack. In your son's case, perhaps referred discomfort from the toilet seat is causing pain in his genetals, and--as most people instinctively protect their genetalia--this may be why you're having issues in this department.

Other problems may exist with flourescent lights in the bathroom, or faint odors (such as bleach from cleaning supplies) may be making him miserable.

If these ideas turn out to be the issue, then please--for the sake of your family tranquility and peace of mind--don't force him to endure these discomforts under the misguided concept that you have to "get him used to it."

If there are communication issues, then he may have problems communicating these discomforts.

I hope this helps. Please follow up with us if you get some answers.
 
Lots of great advice, with possible answers there. It's hard though to know exactly what to do without knowing more directly from the son's point of view.

We have a 12 year old son with high functioning Autism, and below is what I'd likely say if I were a parent with your same situation based on the little I know so far (either write him through computer, hand letter, or talk to him vocally, whichever you thing he'd listen to or respond to more favorably):

"______, (His name), I hope you know I and your Mom both love you as you are a really great son. (then mention some great things you love about him in a sincere way) . We are really sorry we had to move and find a new place. I know this made you feel sad and more afraid and anxious, and we wish we could have been smart enough to see how this would have affected you.. We would like to help, but, we can do only so much if you do not tell us more what you desire to make things better. For instance, we know your bathroom habits have changed, and you have more anxieties there since we moved. Is there anything we can do, so you'd find more comfort with the bathroom? We want you to feel as relaxed as possible there, and need your help to tell us how. Again, we really love you (mention new great things about him) and we hope you will give us a chance by telling us how you feel and what you need."

If this approach does not work after reasonable period of time, and he does not open up there and tell you specifics to help you get things back on track there for him to have acceptable bathroom habits and/or if he does not tell you what he needs you to do for him to do #2, then it seems like you might have to give him like three choices, by saying, for instance:

"Son, we love you, and we are really sorry it has come to this, but we tried very hard asking how we could help you get back to typical bathroom sanitary habits, but without you telling us specifically of your anxieties and fears there, we cannot help and we are becoming extremely concerned with how this could impact not only your present, but future. So, we must give you three final choices (1) To tell us how you feel and what you need for the bathroom habits to change back to the more appropriate ways (2) go with us to see a medical person and we all discuss with him discuss these issues in detail, which could be even more stressful for all of us, or (3) we take away the computer privileges temporarily until you agree to choice one or two, or until your bathroom habits change back to before. And if your condition or behaviors worsens for this choice, we will forced to get medical care anyway to improve your health there."

Then perhaps I'd as a parent would have said, " If you do not pick an option, we unfortunately will have to pick option three. We are trying to be responsible and reasonable parents here, by giving you some choices and as seen by our patience and extra efforts these last few years and by not dictating like many parents could. So, please work with us here ______(name) as we really are trying to help with an issue that causes you concern, but which we need to know more about. We are so glad your mood seems to be getting better from what we see, and we can go step by step with you if you pick option 1, too but we need a decision from you to help us all as we cannot wait much longer. We love you son. We hope you will help us decide what choice is best for you"
 
Is it a fear of the loud sound of the toilet flushing, or the view of the toilet contents being sucked down the drain? I know with boys/men you don't always have to flush #1, so maybe the view of the poop going down is very frightening. It is a common sensory issue for many autistic children.

Perhaps think of setting up homemade reward charts with stickers for every time he goes successfully on the toilet. At the end of the week, maybe give allowance of a certain amount (a dollar for every bm in the John?)

Maybe take him out to a video arcade, the zoo, movie theater, laser tag, etc if he doesn't toilet inappropriately for a whole week.

Call your local children's hospital and see about getting him an occupational therapist. They do artwork centered therapy, and work with fine and gross motor skills, speech, and appropriate behaviors for youth and adults. A lot of times, medicaid will pay for this.

I know he's older, but maybe watching those potty training videos that most parents use would help him.

This is an especially good one that helped when I was potty training my daughter. It's entertaining for adults too. My parents and brother were even singing the songs just for fun. Here's the link to amazon for it:
https://www.amazon.com/Bear-Big-Blu...ds=potty+time+with+bear&qid=1632161562&sr=8-1

In this DVD, Bear's friend the mouse is afraid of using the toilet, and has a lot of accidents on the floor. It's very frank, grown up, but also funny, and relatable to kids and adults.

 
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Hello @Dadwhoneedshelp

Your son may crap on the floor but you are not a crap father.

Talking this out right here on the forum took guts & the fact you gave consideration to the situation is commendable.

I wonder if maybe your son is afraid of his own nakedness or something. I used to hide reading, and would immediately stuff the book under the mattress if someone walked in on me reading a book. Overcoming that compulsion took a very, very long time.

Try explaining to him that using the toilet is expected, and that nothing bad will happen if he does use it. Ask why he doesn't. Also, you shouldn't be the ones cleaning up--if he decides to use the floor as a latrine, he should end up having to clean the floor himself properly. (I was helping in the kitchen at this age, and learnt how to clean house at this age too. Won't harm him at all, and will give him some skills which, if he's presented them in the right light, he will see as a great confidence builder--and these skills are great for independent life.)

If as someone mentioned earlier he's worried about the flush when the toilet works, tell him that he can close the lid. Many Autistics, myself included, have a hard time realizing options right in front of us.

Also, if he's involved at all with taking care of the household, he'll find it less desirable to defile his own handiwork. A boy of twelve doesn't need lots of computer time; he needs time out in nature, playing with the animals, working round the house, coming up with neat little handicrafts and all that. At twelve, I was reading books a lot, collecting vinyl records at the thrift shop, making stuff with my hands, playing with the dog, etc. And I had responsibilities to take care of which had me invested in what happened, and I was kinda happy when I was 12.
 
Hello & welcome @Dadwhoneedshelp.
  1. You need to locate an autism-competent therapist, not ABA.
    If you are in the USA, see Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...
  2. In the interim, see if you can find out why he prefers his chosen pooping spot.
  3. If he wants more privacy, try a "tent" fixture around your toilet.
  4. If he has sensory issues with the ring (and prefers to squat), see if he will hit a target for you.*
  5. If he is disturbed by the flushing, see if he would agree to use a commode...
  6. If it is something else, be creative in improving the situation (if you cannot fix it completely).
*FYI, see Squat toilet - Wikipedia
 

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