Dumped by my Aspie boyfriend

[josue oropeza]

Hello everyone,

My name is Josue. (he/him)
I met my boyfriend Edwin one year ago on E-harmony dating website. Everything was going great, and I had no idea what Asperger's was. Edwin swept me off my feet. I really fell in love with him because of his high intelligence, his ability to make me laugh, and he was charming. I lived in Southern California and he in Phoenix Arizona. It wasn't long when we started to make plans for me to move in with him. I was in cloud 9. I would notice some strange behavior patterns, but thought that was just his personality. He would talk on the phone for long periods of time, but did not seem to interested in what I had to say. And when I would visit I noticed his OCD. I liked that about him. His place was immaculate, everything in order. But right away after moving in with him things began to go downhill. I did not like that he brought other guys over to the house when I was not there. He would openly tell me if his guy "friends" were over. He did not try to hide that. But for me I would get jealous and he said I was controlling. I decided to let him have his friends over and I never again showed my jealousy. But also I began to notice he was not affectionate. I would text him if I was at work and he would take hours to reply. That would hurt me as I felt was not interested in me. So many times I would keep my mouth shut and not tell him if something bothered me because I feared that he would think I was "clingy' or being "drama." He would tell me he loved me, but I would not feel it. He would cook for me and for my birthday he got me a present. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said, "Oh nothing..." he literally got me nothing. I was hurt. All these small things started to add up. Then one day I began doing research and that's when I found out what Asperger's Syndrome was, and I was like Omg, he has all of these symptoms! When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know, but he was diagnosed with ADHD back in the 70s. No one knew what Asperger's was back then! Then it hit me, did I just discover? Eventually more and more things began piling up until I could no longer take the pain anymore. I told him how I felt like I was the only one "chasing" him and that I felt he wasn't reciprocating love back to me. Then my worse fear came true, he decided to break up with me. He said how he's been doing research on Asperger's since I told him, and that he absolutely thinks he does have it. But it's the lack of trying to save our relationship that cut me the deepest. I told him that even though we are different, we can work things out, I am a patient person and i am willing to stick with him. He said that he thinks it's unfair for me to have to endure feeling "neglected." he said he wants me to find someone who can fulfill me emotionally. He did not cry, he seemed so cold. I am trying to be strong but I am crippled inside. I left my disabled father alone back in California to be with this man, I moved my life to an entire different state. It's the lack of empathy that gets to me. He said he wants to be friends, and that he cares about me. But then he says he cannot picture us living together "long-term." I feel so much sadness and anger and betrayal in my heart. I do not show it, of course. But I just need a hug right now

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hello everyone,

My name is Josue. (he/him)
I met my boyfriend Edwin one year ago on E-harmony dating website. Everything was going great, and I had no idea what Asperger's was. Edwin swept me off my feet. I really fell in love with him because of his high intelligence, his ability to make me laugh, and he was charming. I lived in Southern California and he in Phoenix Arizona. It wasn't long when we started to make plans for me to move in with him. I was in cloud 9. I would notice some strange behavior patterns, but thought that was just his personality. He would talk on the phone for long periods of time, but did not seem to interested in what I had to say. And when I would visit I noticed his OCD. I liked that about him. His place was immaculate, everything in order. But right away after moving in with him things began to go downhill. I did not like that he brought other guys over to the house when I was not there. He would openly tell me if his guy "friends" were over. He did not try to hide that. But for me I would get jealous and he said I was controlling. I decided to let him have his friends over and I never again showed my jealousy. But also I began to notice he was not affectionate. I would text him if I was at work and he would take hours to reply. That would hurt me as I felt was not interested in me. So many times I would keep my mouth shut and not tell him if something bothered me because I feared that he would think I was "clingy' or being "drama." He would tell me he loved me, but I would not feel it. He would cook for me and for my birthday he got me a present. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said, "Oh nothing..." he literally got me nothing. I was hurt. All these small things started to add up. Then one day I began doing research and that's when I found out what Asperger's Syndrome was, and I was like Omg, he has all of these symptoms! When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know, but he was diagnosed with ADHD back in the 70s. No one knew what Asperger's was back then! Then it hit me, did I just discover? Eventually more and more things began piling up until I could no longer take the pain anymore. I told him how I felt like I was the only one "chasing" him and that I felt he wasn't reciprocating love back to me. Then my worse fear came true, he decided to break up with me. He said how he's been doing research on Asperger's since I told him, and that he absolutely thinks he does have it. But it's the lack of trying to save our relationship that cut me the deepest. I told him that even though we are different, we can work things out, I am a patient person and i am willing to stick with him. He said that he thinks it's unfair for me to have to endure feeling "neglected." he said he wants me to find someone who can fulfill me emotionally. He did not cry, he seemed so cold. I am trying to be strong but I am crippled inside. I left my disabled father alone back in California to be with this man, I moved my life to an entire different state. It's the lack of empathy that gets to me. He said he wants to be friends, and that he cares about me. But then he says he cannot picture us living together "long-term." I feel so much sadness and anger and betrayal in my heart. I do not show it, of course. But I just need a hug right now

Hello Josue.
Have a virtual hug from me.
I am sorry to hear about your relationship ending, and I can feel the pain in your post.
Aspergers can manifest differently in individuals.
It depends on their experiences, and basic personality.
Some of us struggle to put ourselves in others shoes.

Relationships that are whirlwind romances can often end up going bad, Asperger's or not.
It must have been painful for you to see him having other men over.

He might not have been trying to hurt you, however by getting you nothing for Christmas, he might have genuinely believed you wanted nothing.
This is hard for neurotypicals to understand.

I was once offered £20 of an Auntie, which I took and thanked her for.
My mother said "You weren't meant to take it"
As an Aspie I just didn't get my head around the fact that some people offer money, and don't expect the person to take it. Some of us don't get the unwritten social rules of neurotypical life.

As for relationships, it was nice of him to say he did not want you to feel neglected. It might not feel like it at the moment but so long as you don't bottle up the pan, it will get easier.

With regards to meeting people in respect of romantic relationships I have learnt that we have to let go of wanting a partner. It also matters where we meet the partner, it is better to meet somebody without having to try, in a place where we go to to do the things we love, be that online or off-line.

For example, in my teens, I hankered after a partner I hoped I would meet in the pubs everyone went to.
No one came. There were men, but I was not romantically attracted to them. I was unhappy being single.

When I wanted to be single, I found people starting to chat me up. A bit like buses, when we want one, none come, when we don't, three come at once.

Could you move back in with your Disabled Father?
Best be with someone who does love you than out of state with someone who cannot see you two having a future together.

Try not to take it personally, he is just saying that the chemistry isn't there, this is not to say you are unattractive.

When the time comes, and you are doing the things you love, and not looking for love, and in a place where you love yourself, a man will come along who is more suited to you.

 

[Magna]

I hope you're able to either work things out with him or move on. I know it's difficult to be in your type of situation and you have my sympathy.

One thing I would note that's pertinent to the autism community: Both you and he believe that he has Asperger's but he's not been diagnosed as such. He may certainly have Asperger's, but then again, he might not. It's ok for him to say that he's "self-diagnosed" or for you to say you suspect he has Asperger's but in the title of your post you're making a definitive statement by saying he does have Asperger's.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome to the forum Josue.

Sorry to hear about your experience.

I will give you my perspective on this as (1) someone diagnosed with Asperger's condition, (2) someone who has been married for over 33 years, and (3) someone with a medical background.

1. Many of us "on the spectrum" have difficulties maintaining relationships. Whether it be family, friends, or lovers,...there can be interpersonal bonding issues at play. The biological reason for that is that many, not all of us, will have low levels of oxytocin and vasopressin,..."the love hormones",...as autism can effect the development and function of the hypothalamus signaling to the posterior pituitary. Now, consider the fact that a person with this condition, from day one, will not "naturally and instinctually" reciprocate affection at the same level as someone without this condition. Once the person is aware of this condition, then, one may have to "intellectually" reciprocate affection, if one is committed and sensitive to the other persons needs. Many of us with this condition may not be educated, at all, about this,...and then struggle throughout life not understanding why they can't make friends or maintain romantic relationships. I have went through 50 years of my life not understanding this,...always having peripheral relationships with the people around me. I do not "miss" people. I have never had a "true friend". In fact, I really do not desire a friend,...as I know it is a lot of "intellectual work" just to reciprocate,...and frankly, may even come off as "fake". I just,...out of "dumb luck", found my wife,...well, she found me,...and she, as it turns out, scores closer to the autistic scale than the neurotypical scale. She is not an emotionally needy person, and appears quite content focusing upon her career and quiet reading. We get along just great.

2. Furthermore, the other thing that is common amongst the autistic population is this concept of "theory of mind" and "cognitive empathy". It is the ability to imagine oneself in "another's shoes", to take another's perspective. The areas of the brain responsible for this functioning is found in the lower part of the frontal lobe,...and once, again, these areas can be affected by autism. So, now, you have a situation where the affected person is literally not thinking of you when you are not in proximity. "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality. The other thing that can happen is "thinking errors" with communication and trying to figure out meaning behind another's behavior. This forum is FULL of posts from people trying to understand the meaning behind someone else's communication or behavior. Often, one can only take our own perspective and try to navigate some meaning behind behavior, as if it were ourselves doing this behavior,...and can lead to these "thinking errors".

I could go on and on here, but these are the two main things, in my opinion that generally affect interpersonal relationships. Now, this does not include life experiences and personal truths that also affect decision making, personality, and other interpersonal responses. Some of us, because of the long, long, list of sensory, behavioral, and communication issues, have had a lot of personal tragedy over the years,...and frankly, may have a very different, often dysfunctional experience with people in their lives.

Hope this helps with understanding.

 

[Aspychata]

Welcome to the forum Josue.

Sorry to hear about your experience.

I will give you my perspective on this as (1) someone diagnosed with Asperger's condition, (2) someone who has been married for over 33 years, and (3) someone with a medical background.

1. Many of us "on the spectrum" have difficulties maintaining relationships. Whether it be family, friends, or lovers,...there can be interpersonal bonding issues at play. The biological reason for that is that many, not all of us, will have low levels of oxytocin and vasopressin,..."the love hormones",...as autism can effect the development and function of the hypothalamus signaling to the posterior pituitary. Now, consider the fact that a person with this condition, from day one, will not "naturally and instinctually" reciprocate affection at the same level as someone without this condition. Once the person is aware of this condition, then, one may have to "intellectually" reciprocate affection, if one is committed and sensitive to the other persons needs. Many of us with this condition may not be educated, at all, about this,...and then struggle throughout life not understanding why they can't make friends or maintain romantic relationships. I have went through 50 years of my life not understanding this,...always having peripheral relationships with the people around me. I do not "miss" people. I have never had a "true friend". In fact, I really do not desire a friend,...as I know it is a lot of "intellectual work" just to reciprocate,...and frankly, may even come off as "fake". I just,...out of "dumb luck", found my wife,...well, she found me,...and she, as it turns out, scores closer to the autistic scale than the neurotypical scale. She is not an emotionally needy person, and appears quite content focusing upon her career and quiet reading. We get along just great.

2. Furthermore, the other thing that is common amongst the autistic population is this concept of "theory of mind" and "cognitive empathy". It is the ability to imagine oneself in "another's shoes", to take another's perspective. The areas of the brain responsible for this functioning is found in the lower part of the frontal lobe,...and once, again, these areas can be affected by autism. So, now, you have a situation where the affected person is literally not thinking of you when you are not in proximity. "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality. The other thing that can happen is "thinking errors" with communication and trying to figure out meaning behind another's behavior. This forum is FULL of posts from people trying to understand the meaning behind someone else's communication or behavior. Often, one can only take our own perspective and try to navigate some meaning behind behavior, as if it were ourselves doing this behavior,...and can lead to these "thinking errors".

I could go on and on here, but these are the two main things, in my opinion that generally affect interpersonal relationships. Now, this does not include life experiences and personal truths that also affect decision making, personality, and other interpersonal responses. Some of us, because of the long, long, list of sensory, behavioral, and communication issues, have had a lot of personal tragedy over the years,...and frankly, may have a very different, often dysfunctional experience with people in their lives.

Hope this helps with understanding.

Yes, this helps me understand better myself and somebody else. It's not that we are pieholes to each other, it's that we have to understand ourselves first to make headway with NT's/ND's in life, be it at work, or relationships. Think freedom came when l stop judging people's motives and just dealt with the now of situations.

Perhaps you were more committed more to this happening then he was. Can you find work and perhaps find a new place to live?

Welcome to this site.

 

[OkRad]

That is sad for you. Please stay as far away from him as you can because you are a person with feelings who matters. It does not matter if he has autism or not. Some people with autism are terribly sensitive, others, not so much. It is not possible to see inside another's mind. So there is no way to tell what is in his, but you know yours. You were mistreated. You must move on. He wants to play the field and that is his right. You have to ask yourself what you will do if he calls you back.

 

[Booknerd515]

Hey, welcome to the site.
I've encountered narcissists on the spectrum before. They exist and do harm to people with feelings. My brother is diagnosed with autism, is smarter than me, and he has caused me to have anxiety and panic attacks (on purpose because he thinks I should just 'get over' my anxiety and he knew what he was doing at the time) among other emotional hardships. He has also thought I should be in an insane asylum because of some of my interests. So yes it is possible that your boyfriend may be non-neurotypical.

However he does not seem like the right person for you to be in a relationship in especially after I read all of that so I'm glad you're free of him now. It's terrible that one of your disabled relatives is with him-I hope he ends up alright. As for relationships, I'm extremely wary of the ones that start where both feel immediate attraction. I know I have problems with friendships myself as I've never managed to have any in real life so being in a relationship would be extremely difficult for me. There are others that are nicer out there. I send hugs.

 

[Kalinychta]

Never a good idea to make major decisions when you’re on “cloud nine”—you’re not able to think straight. And indeed, there was more than one red flag that you ignored, such as him not showing much interest in what you had to say.

Also, moving in with someone who is extremely clean and organized can end in disaster. He may have quickly begun to regard you as an invasive species.

Or maybe you moving in with him and the two of you suddenly being with each other in person all the time made him realize that he wasn’t actually that into you after all. These things happen. Meeting over the Internet and carrying on a long-distance relationship can be risky.

 

[Pistachio]

This sounds like a combination of a couple of relationships I've had:

Asked to move several states away, and I wouldn't. I was too nervous that as soon as I'd get there we'd break up and I'd be stranded (if I didn't get a job there first anyway). If I really, really wanted to move to that location, that'd be something, but I didn't. And if I did decide to move that far away, I'd want my own housing and start the relationship in the new location, partially because you may think you know that person's daily/nightly habits, but it's probably different moving in together, and the other location means walking away from everything you've ever known, if you've lived in current location a long time.

The other one, yeah, got close quickly, or seemingly with lots of talking, etc but then he just disappeared. I'd be more wary of that type of scenario now and slow it way down. It could be he had autism, could be he just decided that.

but to me, this is part of the reason for dating, so you can figure out if you actually should be with that person or not. I wouldn't think of it as being dumped, just decided something or other about those relationships. And if I just realized that my way of being was so wildly different from his, I'd want to end things too, or he'd probably be pressuring me with his expectations constantly. I wouldn't want to exist that way honestly.

As for some of your examples, it sounds like you have expectations in your head about the way a boyfriend should behave, and he had other ideas about the way you should behave. Could be aspergers, could just be: work on your communication by talking or writing, to avoid: oh, I thought you meant such and such.

 

[zozie]

Virtual hugs. Sounds really tough.

I'm sorry to hear that you felt so hurt. As I was reading your post, I thought, "If someone told me they wanted nothing for Christmas, I'd get them nothing", and it's not about whether or not I care about the person. For me, it's about honoring their wishes and trusting that they'd tell me what they wanted. If someone wanted nothing, then getting them something goes against their wishes. I hope that makes sense.

I wonder about the bombshell that is in both of your lives right now, albeit perhaps for different reasons. Realizing you're on the spectrum, if your former partner indeed is, suddenly routs a whole lot of energy inward. One has to be highly self-focused for a while in order to make sense of the information. This can be really tough to understand, much less communicate, to a partner wishing to be seen and giving a lot to the relationship.

It's also a volatile time, and that makes it already tough to maintain a relationship. I'm one of those people who don't cry. Can't cry in an emotional situation with another person. I wish I could because I really do feel it. But I don't. My face stays still. Flat. And I'm not a cold person. It just looks that way.

It may feel brutal to hear that your ex partner wants you to feel more supported and that he can't do it, but it sounds like he's being honest. That said, it seems this kind of honesty is very painful for others who aren't accustomed to it, or maybe don't understand how it can be a form of caring.

I don't know...I guess I have a lot of empathy for you both. <3