Drugs? Odd question, I know.

[Hazel87]

Has anyone else experimented with substances before? I don't these days but I definitely used to.
1. I was definitely self medicating trying to tweak my brain to function properly being undiagnosed and unaware of what my problem was.
2. one obsession I definitely have had is substances. Their effects, potentials, interactions, pharmacological make up, how they interact with the brain and neurotransmitters, harm reduction etc.

Funny enough, I used to go to a lot of music festivals and help with the harm reduction and also enjoy myself (although, strictly with only a couple of closer friends, and never for long because I couldn't handle the sensory overload without also having my safe comfortable space). It's amazing how much easier it was to be in social situations for me on certain substances. I've always known that I was low in dopamine because of my experimentation and it's funny that now I am substance free but on a regular dosage of dexedrine (amphetamine/speed) from the doctor and my ability to function and be in social situations is dramatically better usually. Its been life changing.

My obsession with substances and meds has definitely eased up (only took about 7 or 8 years lmao) but it's definitely an area of interest that I can still get lost in. I'm obsessive still about my meds, esp dexedrine and researching everything about it and reading other peoples experiences with it. I'm fascinated by it and I have to try and control myself not to talk about it constantly to my friends who I know are not even the slightest bit as interested as I am haha.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I have never once tried self medicating nor have I messed around with dosages on my own. I follow everything I take as instructed. But yes, I do find these things to be very interesting, I find the stuff I take, aripiprazole and lamotrigine to be very interesting. I have wondered what I might feel like on stimulants and if I was benefit from them. But that's as far as it will ever go unless I'm prescribed them, I'm not about to ask for it either.

I've had some crap times with medications but I've also really benefited from others and I think they get so much bad press simply because the people who find them helpful don't shout about it from the rooftops unlike those who have horrible experiences. People can be as very anti-pharma as they want but at the end of the day these drugs are around because they work.

 

[Chance]

I dont drink or do drugs... I mostly don't even take my meds unless things get really bad...
My cousin in Colorado is a "legal" pot farmer... The smell of that stuff makes me feel kind of sick.
I did try a couple pieces of THC oil infused chocolate and found out I was a living avatar... (not the blue kind from the movies) Way too weird to explain, so I just will leave it there... : )

 

[OkRad]

Has anyone else experimented with substances before? I don't these days but I definitely used to. 1. I was definitely self medicating trying to tweak my brain to function properly being undiagnosed and unaware of what my problem was. 2. one obsession I definitely have had is substances. Their effects, potentials, interactions, pharmacological make up, how they interact with the brain and neurotransmitters, harm reduction etc. Funny enough, I used to go to a lot of music festivals and help with the harm reduction and also enjoy myself (although, strictly with only a couple of closer friends, and never for long because I couldn't handle the sensory overload without also having my safe comfortable space). It's amazing how much easier it was to be in social situations for me on certain substances. I've always known that I was low in dopamine because of my experimentation and it's funny that now I am substance free but on a regular dosage of dexedrine (amphetamine/speed) from the doctor and my ability to function and be in social situations is dramatically better usually. Its been life changing. My obsession with substances and meds has definitely eased up (only took about 7 or 8 years lmao) but it's definitely an are of interest that I can still get lost in. I'm obsessive still about my meds, esp dexedrine and researching everything about it and reading other peoples experiences with it. I'm fascinated by it and I have to try and control myself not to talk about it constantly to my friends who I know are not even the slightest bit as interested as I am haha.

I have very super sensory issues and cannot take even prescribed meds without trouble. I smoked pot ONE TIME, and only because they gave me Prozac and I was in the supermarket and all of a sudden I black out but was still awake and walking around. I came to sobbing in my car, like an ambien moment but Prozac. Scared the sht out of me.

SO I tried pot and went psychotic and thought the aluminum foil from the TP bong my friend made was lodged in my heart and brain and I was trying to figure out how to tell that to the ER if I went. I did not go, but every ten seconds it was like sheer panic. Then for ten seconds, it would subside for about 3 hours. HELL.

But I have other reactions to meds, like I woke up under anesthesia. Panic attack on the Xanax they gave me when I had been awake 11 days, anaphylaxes on Benedryl (paradoxical reaction).....

Now I take alternative stuff. Some is good. CBD from HEMP helps somethings. SAM-e helps, I think. I cannot really tell.

 

[OkRad]

I dont drink or do drugs... I mostly don't even take my meds unless things get really bad...
My cousin in Colorado is a "legal" pot farmer... The smell of that stuff makes me feel kind of sick.
I did try a couple pieces of THC oil infused chocolate and found out I was a living avatar... (not the blue kind from the movies) Way too weird to explain, so I just will leave it there... : )

HAHA! No, do tell! BTW, are you allowed to tell us what CO he works for? I get my hemp CBD oil from a co in Colorado

 

[Starfire]

Hi @Hazel87 I had a serious addiction problem for well over 20 years. When I eventually found out about AS/D I was blown away as it explained everything I had experienced and everything I was trying to self medicate for. The only problem was that every article I read, indicated that people with autism tend not to engage in risky behaviour, don't like breaking the rules, etc etc.
However, that is all changing now. The latest research which I have linked for you suggests that high functioning AS/D people are twice as likely to end up with addiction problems and people with ADHD too, are 4 times more likely than the general population to experience substance abuse or alcohol addiction!

The Hidden Link Between Autism and Addiction

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I dont drink or do drugs... I mostly don't even take my meds unless things get really bad...
My cousin in Colorado is a "legal" pot farmer... The smell of that stuff makes me feel kind of sick.
I did try a couple pieces of THC oil infused chocolate and found out I was a living avatar... (not the blue kind from the movies) Way too weird to explain, so I just will leave it there... : )

Yeh it might turn you into Alan Watts

 

[Mia]

I've always known that I was low in dopamine because of my experimentation and it's funny that now I am substance free but on a regular dosage of dexedrine (amphetamine/speed) from the doctor and my ability to function and be in social situations is dramatically better usually.

I can sympathize with that one. But I think if I was on dexedrine, I wouldn't be able to sleep, with adhd as well as autism my brain could blow up. I'm speedy enough without the drugs You should consider becoming a pharmacist, since it's your special interest.

However, that is all changing now. The latest research which I have linked for you suggests that high functioning AS/D people are twice as likely to end up with addiction problems and people with ADHD too, are 4 times more likely than the general population to experience substance abuse or alcohol addiction!

Interesting Starfire. It explains a lot about the chronic alcoholism in my bio family. Several siblings seem to have adhd too, and do alcohol. As well as one who has gone to some of the most dangerous places in the world, to work.

 

[Hazel87]

Hi @Hazel87 I had a serious addiction problem for well over 20 years. When I eventually found out about AS/D I was blown away as it explained everything I had experienced and everything I was trying to self medicate for. The only problem was that every article I read, indicated that people with autism tend not to engage in risky behaviour, don't like breaking the rules, etc etc.
However, that is all changing now. The latest research which I have linked for you suggests that high functioning AS/D people are twice as likely to end up with addiction problems and people with ADHD too, are 4 times more likely than the general population to experience substance abuse or alcohol addiction!

The Hidden Link Between Autism and Addiction

Omg, that's SO interesting!! I've wondered the same thing, which is why I felt odd about posting this haha. When I think of the ASD people I've met, and the stereotypical traits associated with ASD, I can't picture drug use and I wondered if I was alone. I'm not sure I identify as an addict but I do know Ive had an unhealthy relationship with substances at times, but yes, self medicating! I just wanted to function 'normally'. I've also used things recreationally as well though, for fun and out of fascination.

I remember reading every book Alexander Shulgin wrote (he is the scientist who first synthesized MDMA and wrote journals upon journals of his experiences testing all his synthesized substances on himself, something I'd never do haha but still FASCINATING). That we can tweak our brains with substances for the better or worse, is so interesting.

I believe strongly that so many of these substances actually hold a lot of potential for healing when used correctly, just like amphetamine can be abused on the streets but when controlled and used correctly as a prescription medication under the supervision of a physician can change my whole life. Even in using certain substances recreationally (particularly psychedelics like LSD, psilocybin, DMT, etc) when I was younger, I experienced tremendous healing and my social abilities and functioning actually improved A LOT, and not only while I was under the influence of these substances but these were things I carried into my daily life. I remember the first night I tried MDMA with one of my best friends and it was like 10 years of therapy in one night. I was able to open up about trauma and release it.

I don't know if I'll ever experiment with these things again but I will always credit them for really impacting my life in a positive way when I was younger. There have definitely been times I've come close to going too far or going down a bad path, but that was always with substances I was trying to use to obtain everyday normal functioning abilities and I don't feel even close to as drawn to that anymore now that I am on a good combo of meds and now finally have an understanding that I'm not deficit, I'm just not NT and my self-hated has been replaced with self acceptance.

As for sensory issues, it's funny because when I think back, I don't remember having any sensory issues while on MDMA. EVERYTHING felt and looked amazing, loud electronic was incredible and consuming haha and on other psychedelics, I don't remember having much of an issue either aside from the slight sense of over stimulation I just have in general. Things like cocaine, while aiding me in a lot of other functions like social, attention etc definitely increased my sensory issues. All stimulants in too high of a dose worsen my sensory issues. On a regular, prescribed dose, it seems to have no positive or negative impact, just stays the same haha.

I can sympathize with that one. But I think if I was on dexedrine, I wouldn't be able to sleep, with adhd as well as autism my brain could blow up. I'm speedy enough without the drugs You should consider becoming a pharmacist, since it's your special interest.

You know what is so funny though? You would think that! and it's probably true in a lot of cases but I can only speak for myself that one of the biggest ways that dexedrine has changed my life and ability to function is a.) It actually calms my brain down, the chaos of ADHD/ASD thoughts in my head settles down and I can focus and feel less overwhelmed. I feel like I become overstimulated by knowledge sometimes, I'll be so obsessed and sponge so much of it up but it's like my brain doesn't know how to organize it all so I have a million different thoughts, questions, ideas all at once in my head. Dexedrine helps me to be able to organize them all and process easier.

For me, which I think I mentioned earlier, I learned through using substances that I definitely require more dopamine levels to function (stimulants like dex work primarily on dopamine transmitters) and there is some research that suggests that people with ADHD are lower in dopamine. And, b.) All my life Ive had sleep issues, staying on a sleep cycle is impossible for me naturally. I have always had to force myself to bed at a decent time with sleeping aids, and stayed up too late at night, and struggled with anxiety too.

I worried that dexedrine would worsen that but since being on it, I don't need sleep meds anymore (the odd time I will take melatonin or smoke some weed) and I go to bed earlier, wake up earlier and feel so refreshed. This is the best my sleep has ever been, and I have almost zero anxiety. I think a lot of my anxiety stemmed from the chaos in my head all the time and the over-stimulation.

I would LOVE being a pharmacist haha but unfortunately, my obsession can only go so far because I am severely limited in mathematics. I would LOVE to be involved in research for these subjects though!!

 

[Keigan]

I just say no to any drugs or meds

 

[pjcnet]

Speed will give confidence in the short term and will also make you feel stronger and more energetic + you can concentrate and appear to achieve more, but it's very psychologically addictive and if you keep taking it you will soon find that you need to take it just to feel normal and in between you become depressed and often very fatigued (this will get worse and you will start needing higher doses just to feel normal as time goes on). I think of drugs such as this like a bank account, you take them to feel better when there is no actual reason to feel better (E.g. you didn't just achieve something, yet you may feel as good as if you were celebrating only because of taking a drug), when you do this you are borrowing from the bank, unfortunately you have to pay it back and you have to pay it back with interest.

I have done speed and various other recreational drugs when I was much younger and I've seen both sides, eventually it screwed me up and I gave it up. You state that you were prescribed by a doctor which in my opinion is irresponsible of any medical "professional" and I use the word loosely in this case, but many doctors prescribe anti-depressants and in this case narcotics to give people a quick fix even though they know there will be longer term adverse effects and that overall it will be detrimental (it can also lead onto even worse drugs which often happens when the old drug no longer works as well and the depression and adverse effects become intolerable and yes, been there done that too - including heroin + crack which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but been clean for many years now).

In my opinion you should try to cut down and come off any mind altering drug, there are much better ways to get confidence, honestly you don't need it. Perhaps you could look for a suitable support group / charity, many have social activities that may truly help.

 

[Starfire]

Addiction and Autism: A Remarkable Comorbidity?

@Hazel87 Here is another paper which I found interesting on autism addiction comorbidity.

I understand what you are saying about using drugs recreationally and while some can do that, from experience I would not recommend it. People on the spectrum are particularly vulnerable to habit forming or repetitive behaviour and addictions. In my own case I also had a background with traumatic childhood experiences which combined with ASD left me in a particularly vulnerable position especially when combined with an over trusting nature, naivety and desperately wanting to find a group I fitted in with.

To anyone reading this who may have just began experimenting or is curious, I would say look at the science I have provided links to, look at the facts and listen to people who have been there. Once that pattern is set over time, and a routine of using drugs or alcohol to cope with social situations, or to take the edge off things, or to act as a daily lubricant to help to cope with or get through the day has become established, it is so much harder for us to stop than an NT person.

It sounds like you had some experiences which you learned from and were beneficial for you before you moved on from it, which is great! I had over 20 years of heroin addiction and I just couldn't break that pattern. That is all well behind me now, long in my past and I'm a bit ashamed to mention it in truth, but it may make someone else think about what they are doing. If you have or suspect you have AS/D or something similar don't fall into the same pattern I fell into, it is so hard to break and absolutely no good will come from it.

 

[isthisreallife]

I drank a lot, and had a bit of a cocaine habit in my 20's. The cocaine was unusual as it made me feel like I would imagine NT's feel normally (I didn't know I had ASD at this time mind you). I wasn't acting over the top a la Robert Downey Jr. I just felt more conscious, it's hard to describe. Anyway, I stopped using this crutch fairly quickly because I knew I would become hopelessly addicted if i didn't. After my diagnosis I realized that I had been self medicating just to get through social situations, loud spaces, life, etc. It's been quite the journey.

 

[Starfire]

Anyway, I stopped using this crutch fairly quickly because I knew I would become hopelessly addicted if i didn't.

@isthisreallife That was very perceptive of you! As if cocaine isn't hard enough as it is to quit for NTs, the latest studies indicate it would have been twice as hard for you to quit once the habit had formed. You had a lucky escape and show great strength and self discipline quitting when you did, before it got out of control. You made a very wise decision.

After my diagnosis I realized that I had been self medicating just to get through social situations, loud spaces, life, etc. It's been quite the journey.

I felt exactly the same as you did after I received my diagnosis. It has been tremendously helpful for me, and helped to explain so much from my early childhood onwards. I have a 14 year old daughter who was recently diagnosed with ASD and I see her behaving in such a similar way as I did at the time, it's unnerving. I know she has experimented with alcohol and I suspect cannabis too, just as I did at her age. It's very worrying and hopefully a phase she will pass through quickly. Her internet usage is also what I consider to be an addiction/obsession, which is also very common with people on the spectrum.

 

[Chance]

HAHA! No, do tell! BTW, are you allowed to tell us what CO he works for? I get my hemp CBD oil from a co in Colorado

Its embarrassing and weird... I tend to say too much at times. I guess because in real life I just don't say much at all. As for "who" he works for I'm not real sure... I think I sort of explained this once and it was SusanLR that told me I probably had sort of an out of body experience... It freaked me out, but yet I liked it so much I didn't really want to come back. I saw me and called me "it"... It was like I could go anywhere. I felt like I was gone for days when in fact I wasn't "out of it" asleep, whatever that was, but like half an hour. I have never had any experience like that. I have never tried it again, but sort of want to.

I remember I ate the first little square - kind of like a Hersey bar (but red colored)... A little later he asked if I felt anything. I said, "no, I'm just me." He gave me another one and about 30 minutes later. I got very frightened inside for just a few minutes. It was like a very messed up panic attack and then I calmed down very quickly... and this world just kind of melted. It was all still here but there were no boundaries. I could just do anything. I had no pain, no ASD, no limits, no one angry with me... It was very cool and for that reason I feel I need to stay away from it... Plus I went to sleep? Or it made me sleep? It was like 3pm, but I do get sleepy at that time of day a lot and we had just came in from getting some stuff done. The sleep thin was odd to him... (he says isn't real common/usually makes people alert). So that could cause me to cause an accident in real life, if it triggers me into sleep.

I liked it very much but it wasn't real???, as much as I wanted it to be real. However, in this experience... something tells me there is a whole lot more to who we are than we really understand. If only I could live that in real life... : ) I was like freakin superman and all happy to just go ripping around where ever I wanted... The first thing I noticed was there was no mean people there, or anywhere I went and we didn't have to talk, we knew how to speak without ever saying anything... It was really cool, but this being warned me that any thought I had could be felt by others... It made me really self conscious and very aware of what I was thinking. Yeah it was weird but really cool ...

As far as my cousin's massive indoor pot farm... I only know he has a "registered strain" (I think that is what he said) and that's all he can grow to keep within the guidelines of supplying to that company.

I don't even know the terminology (so I won't pretend I do) but I just know its a very sterile looking environment, tons of paperwork, and they even test his plants for some purity level???... I might be mistaken but I think his is grown to help people with glaucoma or maybe epilepsy? He mentioned both?

However I'm not going to paint him as a saint. He's a full blown pot head and he has no issues with it...
He is one of those care free guys who is funny as can be... I wish at times I was like that and not so freakin serious...

He has no part of the retail end of what he grows to my knowledge. Each harvest is sold bulk to one company that then refines it into medicinal form... I think that is how it works...
I only know it smells like S*** in there... ugh it stinks to me, but it makes him a nice living.

As for me I guess I will just be stuck knowing I'm an avatar that is stuck being a human for now... : )

 

[OkRad]

Addiction and Autism: A Remarkable Comorbidity?

@Hazel87 Here is another paper which I found interesting on autism addiction comorbidity.

I understand what you are saying about using drugs recreationally and while some can do that, from experience I would not recommend it. People on the spectrum are particularly vulnerable to habit forming or repetitive behaviour and addictions. In my own case I also had a background with traumatic childhood experiences which combined with ASD left me in a particularly vulnerable position especially when combined with an over trusting nature, naivety and desperately wanting to find a group I fitted in with.

To anyone reading this who may have just began experimenting or is curious, I would say look at the science I have provided links to, look at the facts and listen to people who have been there. Once that pattern is set over time, and a routine of using drugs or alcohol to cope with social situations, or to take the edge off things, or to act as a daily lubricant to help to cope with or get through the day has become established, it is so much harder for us to stop than an NT person.

It sounds like you had some experiences which you learned from and were beneficial for you before you moved on from it, which is great! I had over 20 years of heroin addiction and I just couldn't break that pattern. That is all well behind me now, long in my past and I'm a bit ashamed to mention it in truth, but it may make someone else think about what they are doing. If you have or suspect you have AS/D or something similar don't fall into the same pattern I fell into, it is so hard to break and absolutely no good will come from it.

Star, you are very brave and very strong! Please do tell us how you were able to quit heroin. So many people are hurting in that situation . Did you have to use Suboxone? A friend of my sister is on that and it changed her life. She can work again. She is working on getting off that, too, so she is much better. I hear CBD oil can help with that as well.

 

[Chance]

Yeh it might turn you into Alan Watts

Is it you that we were discussing him and the vaccine causing ASD?

I found out this is 2 very different people we are talking about...
The Alan Watts (the brit) who is long gone passed away about the time I was born

Alan Watt... no (s) is the ASD vaccine guy. I didn't know anything about this guy who seems questionable and makes no sense to me... He is still alive and well to the best of my knowledge.

I just think it sucks these 2 guys have the same name (nearly)... But yes I like Alan Watts, he's out there but somehow his old recordings are nearly like prophecy that is taking place before our eyes right now... and he always seems to find a positive side to things...

I want to meet him in some non-physical place someday... Yep, I'm weird, but look it up
truly 2 different guys I promise...

YouTube can prove it in an instant because they don't even remotely look the same or speak the same.

Alan Watt and then Alan Watts (2 different worlds)...

 

[OkRad]

Its embarrassing and weird... I tend to say too much at times. I guess because in real life I just don't say much at all. As for "who" he works for I'm not real sure... I think I sort of explained this once and it was SusanLR that told me I probably had sort of an out of body experience... It freaked me out, but yet I liked it so much I didn't really want to come back. I saw me and called me "it"... It was like I could go anywhere. I felt like I was gone for days when in fact I wasn't "out of it" asleep, whatever that was, but like half an hour. I have never had any experience like that. I have never tried it again, but sort of want to.

I remember I ate the first little square - kind of like a heresy bar (but red colored)... A little later he asked if I felt anything. I said, "no, I'm just me." He gave me another one and about 30 minutes later. I got very frightened inside for just a few minutes. It was like a very messed up panic attack and then I calmed down very quickly... and this world just kind of melted. It was all still here but there were no boundaries. I could just do anything. I had no pain, no ASD, no limits, no one angry with me... It was very cool and for that reason I feel I need to stay away from it... Plus I went to sleep? Or it made me sleep? It was like 3pm, but I do get sleepy at that time of day a lot and we had just came in from getting some stuff done. The sleep thin was odd to him... (he says isn't real common/usually makes people alert). So that could cause me to cause an accident in real life, if it triggers me into sleep.

I liked it very much but it wasn't real???, as much as I wanted it to be real. However, in this experience... something tells me there is a whole lot more to who we are than we really understand. If only I could live that in real life... : ) I was like freakin superman and all happy to just go ripping around where ever I wanted... The first thing I noticed was there was no mean people there, or anywhere I went and we didn't have to talk, we knew how to speak without ever saying anything... It was really cool, but this being warned me that any thought I had could be felt by others... It made me really self conscious and very aware of what I was thinking. Yeah it was weird but really cool ...

As far as my cousins massive indoor pot farm... I only know he has a "registered strain" (I think that is what he said) and thats all he can grow to keep with in the guidelines of supplying to that company.

I don't even know the terminology (so I won't pretend I do) but I just know its a very sterile looking environment, tons of paperwork, and they even test his plants for some purity level???... I might be mistaken but I think his is grown to help people with glaucoma or maybe epilepsy? He mentioned both?

However I'm not going to paint him as a saint. He's a full blown pot head and he has no issues with it...
He one of those care free guys who is funny as can be... I wish at times I was like that and not so freakin serious...

He has no part of the retail end of what he grows to my knowledge. Each harvest is sold bulk to one company that then refines it into medicinal form... I think that is how it works...
I only know it smells like S*** in there... ugh it stinks to me, but it makes him a nice living.

As for me I guess I will just be stuck knowing I'm an avatar that is stuck being a human for now... : )

That is quite a reaction to THC. I do think Aspies react differently. It is so strange it was almost out of body, like you took LSD or something, like tripping or something. A friend of my sister took something called salvia D which sounds a lot like what happened to you. She said she went out of body and felt she was never getting back. It was very scary. However, others say it is enjoyable.

I cannot do thc but I can do hemp. Hemp has no THC. SAM-e really really helps for depression.

I agree with the poster who says to be careful of anything if you have aspie because it can become our routine. But we are also very strong, us Aspies and non NT's. We also have a better chance at recovery and changes and working out a better system because we have higher use of Reason.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is it you that we were discussing him and the vaccine causing ASD?

I found out this is 2 very different people we are talking about...
The Alan Watts (the brit) who is long gone passed away about the time I was born

Alan Watt... no (s) is the ASD vaccine guy. I didn't know anything about this guy who seems questionable and makes no sense to me... He is still alive and well to the best of my knowledge.

I just think it sucks these 2 guys have the same name (nearly)... But yes I like Alan Watts, he's out there but somehow his old recordings are nearly like prophecy that is taking place before our eyes right now... and he always seems to find a positive side to things...

I want to meet him in some non-physical place someday... Yep, I'm weird, but look it up
truly 2 different guys I promise...

YouTube can prove it in an instant because they don't even remotely look the same or speak the same.

Alan Watt and then Alan Watts (2 different worlds)...

No. I know all about Alan Watts. Keep meaning to add to the hidden heroes thread.
Probably one of my hidden heroes too. Read a lot from teenage years on. Some books again and again.
So made his influence a part of my personality, if that makes sense.

 

[2046]

I have been using alcohol to be able to function socially since I was a teenager. It’s a way to be able to be in loud environments as well as a way to be relaxed enough to talk to people I don’t know.

I used to smoke weed when I was younger but most of the time it made me feel anxious.
Nowadays I smoke once in a while and enjoy it.

I tried LSD several times when I was younger. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but on half of the occasions I had horrible “bad trips”.

Mushrooms have given me one profound experience and I understand why it is now researched to be used as medicine.

The last years of my life I have felt a kind of spiritual death I have never felt before. It has made me long for the psychedelic experience once again. I need some kind of deeper connection which I don’t know where else to look for.

Anti depressants gave me a lot of side effects. It took me several years to understand how many. Now I wish I never had taken them.