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Driving Friends Away

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Sportster, Aug 10, 2014.

  1. Sportster

    Sportster Aged to Perfection V.I.P Member

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    . . .
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
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  2. Harrison

    Harrison The Mad Taoist

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    Yep, lost my last married couple friends this year. I was blamed for their break up despite the fact he was having an affair. It seems he thought I was after his lady as I was 'always hanging around'.

    I don't have enough friends to keep losing them so I have had to learn to back off. Still hurts though.
     
  3. Saragrl

    Saragrl Well-Known Member

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    When I was younger I was like that. I think it had more to do with only having one or two friends rather than a bunch to share my time with. Now that I am older I find I lose friends because I don't contact them, I wait till they contact me. Other wise I feel like I am intruding.
     
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  4. King_Oni

    King_Oni Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In general, no... I haven't lost friends over this.

    However, I will say that I've noticed a few instances in my life where I noticed how some men got more protective of their wives when I was around, lol. And of course, the same applies to talking to girls with boyfriends. I even recall a single incident with a gay couple.

    I recall a lot of cases where I had nice conversations with women (of whom I didn't even care they were married, nor did I have any actual intentions to hit on them) and it always seemed that all of a sudden, something came up after her husband/boyfriend called her over for something and the conversation ended abruptly.

    It could be a coincidence, but the moment this happens pretty much every time you're having a conversation with someone who is involved with someone, I wonder. Especially when it seems that it just happens to me.

    That by itself doesn't make me "lose" friends, but it does make up for a lot of questionable social interaction and makes you wonder if you are being perceived as a "threat" that can actually derail marriage or a relationship or whether it's just flat out someone being jealous that the significant other is having a good time with someone else.
     
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  5. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You must be very handsome.

    I used to be clingy. I thought those were the rules for friendship, I didn't actually like it. My loner nature means it usually feels mutual when I "lose" "friends". No idea how they feel about it.

    Maybe it's about finding someone whose rules for friendship are the same as yours?

    I have also perfected the art of repelling people intentionally, with them thinking it is their own choice. Technically I guess it is, but I would just have turned up the repelling behaviours until them left me alone, so…
     
  6. ColorfulDreams

    ColorfulDreams Well-Known Member

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    I definitely know how this feels...I tend to drive people away as well, either by being clingy, or by making suggestive jokes and things that others are not necessarily comfortable with. I also tend to talk a lot about my own interests and opinions, and if one doesn't agree with my opinions, I can get a little harsh at times.
    This makes it very hard to form meaningful,long term friendships or relationships.
     
  7. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    Absolutely! That's one of the reasons my girlfriend and first love left me a month ago. I wasn't seeing it either, until it was too late. It's very painful and bewildering but we learn more about ourselves in the process. From the little I've gleaned from your posts, Sportster, you're a good man. At some point, you have to realize that maybe these people weren't worth your generosity and time if they cannot accept you for who you are.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2014
  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Actually I'm the one prone to leaving in the event someone in my orbit becomes too clingy.

    I'm also far more likely of being labeled as "distant or aloof" at times when I shouldn't.
     
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  9. Nolan1971

    Nolan1971 Well-Known Member

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    For me it is just a matter of finding someone more socially compatible. People vary widely
    in their social needs so I try to find someone who enjoys hanging out often.
    I like having a diverse group of friends those you may talk to or see once a month, those you spend time with
    1-2 or more times a month and the closest friends you may see once or more a week (life,job permitting).
    With my overnight work schedule I only have 1-2 chances a week to hang out with friends if at all but
    if I had it my way I would see a friend at least once a week!:)
     
  10. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    It doesn't take much to be a good person, though. You just have to be in earnest, well meaning, and care about others. This is fairly self-evident in your postings. At times, I think I've had trouble differentiating friends and aquaintances too - yes, it's both burned and hurt.
     
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  11. Andrew_Collins

    Andrew_Collins What is Bramble?

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    I have got angry with friends for letting me down, like you said my definition of a freind is to be there 100% and when i seen they don't do what I'm willing to to do for them , it gets me mad. I can do without fair-weather friends .


    Yes thats happened to me. I was recently bumped into a girl from school and i asked her to go for a coffee as i wanted to chat about the people we both knew but i totally forgot your not supposedd to ask married women out or anyone attached... I just wanted friendship.... they make me sick theses paranoid suspicious people, I just wish everyone could see each others true aura and intention, then they would understand there is nothing to fear.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2014
  12. Andrew_Collins

    Andrew_Collins What is Bramble?

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    I don't expect anything from anyone so i don't get dissapointed , I know it sounds abit jaded to say this but i think most people are only interested in themselves or using other people for their own benefit, maybe I'm wrong
     
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  13. umbrellabeach

    umbrellabeach Well-Known Member

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    I've done this many times and it's why I'm now afraid to ask to do something with any new friends I make. I always feel that, as (probably) socially successful NTs, they have a life to live and either I'll annoy them or they're probably too busy anyway. Everyone's always busy these days.
     
  14. Nolan1971

    Nolan1971 Well-Known Member

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    I truly miss my best friend Rich all during high school we saw each other almost everyday and that is
    what we both wanted. Also my beloved ex wife spent everyday for 13yrs together with only one difficult
    day apart. We would miss each other the moment we parted. I need to find people with the same
    social need.
     
  15. Loomis

    Loomis Well-Known Member

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    There must be some aspies who have few friends for the opposite reason. What is the flip side of clingy? Aloof, I think, as Judge suggests in his post above. When I become friends with someone I make little or no effort to maintain contact with them. The onus is on them to call and invite me to events and get-togethers. Needless to say this greatly limits my circle of friends. I do, however, have a rather large number of acquaintances.

    Clingy or Aloof? Your Sex Life May Suffer - Yahoo News

    "they examined two types of adult attachment styles recognized by psychologists since the late 1980s: anxious attachment, in which people act out fears of rejection and abandonment, and avoidant attachment, where individuals are uncomfortable with closeness and dependence. Both of these attachment styles are considered "insecure," in contrast to the "secure" attachment style, which is neither clingy nor aloof."
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2014
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  16. Zhuyue Zhao

    Zhuyue Zhao 赵珠

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    I know the feeling, like I become friends with someone and I then obsess over that person because I like the feeling of be loved and wanted by them. Like I send messages with QQ and I don't get responds like I used to. I miss u so much, hualing! 想念你,花翎。
    从,
    你的朋友,
    珠月赵
     
  17. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Stands to reason, Loomis. That being aloof or clingy....it reflects a defense mechanism of sorts. I've been burned by one too many people over the years...enough to realize how easy it is to keep people at an arm's distance.

    And when I do try to extend myself to others and am more or less rejected, it just reinforces such behavior. I just can't seem to connect with most people....whether I'm aloof or friendly.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2014
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  18. Axeman52

    Axeman52 Well-Known Member

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    Ugh, yep, I've had a similar problem. Different in that nobody was having an affair and they are still together. It was a girl I had been friends with since we were both 15, and as soon as she got married her husband didn't like the fact I was around because he thought I was too clingy with her.

    Looking back on it, though, I'm better off without them both. She was actually very bad for me - I recently saw some messages she sent me on facebook when I was deleting old posts. She used to treat me like a complete invalid, a helpless child who was completely incapable of taking care of myself and making my own decisions, and you know what? I thought she was right, I thought I needed her. That was my biggest mistake - not the resulting clingy behaviour.
     
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  19. The Penguin

    The Penguin Chilly Willy The Penguin

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    This is a habit I tend to do all the time. it a point I gave up on people and focus on a life alone.
     
  20. grapesicles

    grapesicles Well-Known Member

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    I completely empathise with this. I've definitely learned to change my behaviours though! It's hard to strike the right balance between clingy/unsocial - these days I tend to wait for other people to make their move or start a conversation, which isn't always the best way to go either.