Driving Friends Away

[Sportster]

. . .

 

[Harrison]

Yep, lost my last married couple friends this year. I was blamed for their break up despite the fact he was having an affair. It seems he thought I was after his lady as I was 'always hanging around'.

I don't have enough friends to keep losing them so I have had to learn to back off. Still hurts though.

 

[Saragrl]

When I was younger I was like that. I think it had more to do with only having one or two friends rather than a bunch to share my time with. Now that I am older I find I lose friends because I don't contact them, I wait till they contact me. Other wise I feel like I am intruding.

 

[King_Oni]

In general, no... I haven't lost friends over this.

However, I will say that I've noticed a few instances in my life where I noticed how some men got more protective of their wives when I was around, lol. And of course, the same applies to talking to girls with boyfriends. I even recall a single incident with a gay couple.

I recall a lot of cases where I had nice conversations with women (of whom I didn't even care they were married, nor did I have any actual intentions to hit on them) and it always seemed that all of a sudden, something came up after her husband/boyfriend called her over for something and the conversation ended abruptly.

It could be a coincidence, but the moment this happens pretty much every time you're having a conversation with someone who is involved with someone, I wonder. Especially when it seems that it just happens to me.

That by itself doesn't make me "lose" friends, but it does make up for a lot of questionable social interaction and makes you wonder if you are being perceived as a "threat" that can actually derail marriage or a relationship or whether it's just flat out someone being jealous that the significant other is having a good time with someone else.

 

[Ylva]

You must be very handsome.

I used to be clingy. I thought those were the rules for friendship, I didn't actually like it. My loner nature means it usually feels mutual when I "lose" "friends". No idea how they feel about it.

Maybe it's about finding someone whose rules for friendship are the same as yours?

I have also perfected the art of repelling people intentionally, with them thinking it is their own choice. Technically I guess it is, but I would just have turned up the repelling behaviours until them left me alone, so…

 

[ColorfulDreams]

I definitely know how this feels...I tend to drive people away as well, either by being clingy, or by making suggestive jokes and things that others are not necessarily comfortable with. I also tend to talk a lot about my own interests and opinions, and if one doesn't agree with my opinions, I can get a little harsh at times.
This makes it very hard to form meaningful,long term friendships or relationships.

 

[Mattymatt]

Have you ever gotten close to someone, or a family, only to become so “clingy” that you inadvertently drive them away?

As an Aspie, I know the difficulties of making and keeping friends, so when I have made friends in the past, I clung to them as though they were a priceless thing. I would do anything in the world for them; I found myself craving their presence in my life. In the beginning, they enjoyed my being around, but then I unknowingly became an intrusion on their lives. I was not seeing it. I did not realize that I was abnormally around them, always there, always intruding. My need and desire for kindness and acceptance was so great that some friends past fulfilled it, but I became such a pest that they eventually totally cut me out of their lives. When they cut me off, it felt as though I had lost everything. I have since gotten over it and understand why it happened, but I still mourn the loss of those friendships.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Have you gained friends only to lose them because of being too clingy?

Absolutely! That's one of the reasons my girlfriend and first love left me a month ago. I wasn't seeing it either, until it was too late. It's very painful and bewildering but we learn more about ourselves in the process. From the little I've gleaned from your posts, Sportster, you're a good man. At some point, you have to realize that maybe these people weren't worth your generosity and time if they cannot accept you for who you are.

 

[Judge]

Actually I'm the one prone to leaving in the event someone in my orbit becomes too clingy.

I'm also far more likely of being labeled as "distant or aloof" at times when I shouldn't.

 

[Nolan1971]

For me it is just a matter of finding someone more socially compatible. People vary widely
in their social needs so I try to find someone who enjoys hanging out often.
I like having a diverse group of friends those you may talk to or see once a month, those you spend time with
1-2 or more times a month and the closest friends you may see once or more a week (life,job permitting).
With my overnight work schedule I only have 1-2 chances a week to hang out with friends if at all but
if I had it my way I would see a friend at least once a week!

 

[Mattymatt]

I appreciate the compliment, but I'm really not a "good man." I have a tendency to be naïve and even gullible, but not as bad as before. The friends I have now are "true," or as true as I understand friends are supposed to be. Throughout my life, I have always had a problem with differentiating friends and acquaintances. Too often, I put them all in the same basket expecting the same from each.

It doesn't take much to be a good person, though. You just have to be in earnest, well meaning, and care about others. This is fairly self-evident in your postings. At times, I think I've had trouble differentiating friends and aquaintances too - yes, it's both burned and hurt.

 

[Andrew_Collins]

Have you ever gotten close to someone, or a family, only to become so “clingy” that you inadvertently drive them away?

As an Aspie, I know the difficulties of making and keeping friends, so when I have made friends in the past, I clung to them as though they were a priceless thing. I would do anything in the world for them; I found myself craving their presence in my life. In the beginning, they enjoyed my being around, but then I unknowingly became an intrusion on their lives. I was not seeing it. I did not realize that I was abnormally around them, always there, always intruding. My need and desire for kindness and acceptance was so great that some friends past fulfilled it, but I became such a pest that they eventually totally cut me out of their lives. When they cut me off, it felt as though I had lost everything. I have since gotten over it and understand why it happened, but I still mourn the loss of those friendships.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Have you gained friends only to lose them because of being too clingy?

I have got angry with friends for letting me down, like you said my definition of a freind is to be there 100% and when i seen they don't do what I'm willing to to do for them , it gets me mad. I can do without fair-weather friends .

In general, no... I haven't lost friends over this.

However, I will say that I've noticed a few instances in my life where I noticed how some men got more protective of their wives when I was around, lol. And of course, the same applies to talking to girls with boyfriends. I even recall a single incident with a gay couple.

I recall a lot of cases where I had nice conversations with women (of whom I didn't even care they were married, nor did I have any actual intentions to hit on them) and it always seemed that all of a sudden, something came up after her husband/boyfriend called her over for something and the conversation ended abruptly.

It could be a coincidence, but the moment this happens pretty much every time you're having a conversation with someone who is involved with someone, I wonder. Especially when it seems that it just happens to me.

That by itself doesn't make me "lose" friends, but it does make up for a lot of questionable social interaction and makes you wonder if you are being perceived as a "threat" that can actually derail marriage or a relationship or whether it's just flat out someone being jealous that the significant other is having a good time with someone else.

Yes thats happened to me. I was recently bumped into a girl from school and i asked her to go for a coffee as i wanted to chat about the people we both knew but i totally forgot your not supposedd to ask married women out or anyone attached... I just wanted friendship.... they make me sick theses paranoid suspicious people, I just wish everyone could see each others true aura and intention, then they would understand there is nothing to fear.

 

[Andrew_Collins]

I don't expect anything from anyone so i don't get dissapointed , I know it sounds abit jaded to say this but i think most people are only interested in themselves or using other people for their own benefit, maybe I'm wrong

 

[umbrellabeach]

I've done this many times and it's why I'm now afraid to ask to do something with any new friends I make. I always feel that, as (probably) socially successful NTs, they have a life to live and either I'll annoy them or they're probably too busy anyway. Everyone's always busy these days.

 

[Nolan1971]

I truly miss my best friend Rich all during high school we saw each other almost everyday and that is
what we both wanted. Also my beloved ex wife spent everyday for 13yrs together with only one difficult
day apart. We would miss each other the moment we parted. I need to find people with the same
social need.

 

[Loomis]

There must be some aspies who have few friends for the opposite reason. What is the flip side of clingy? Aloof, I think, as Judge suggests in his post above. When I become friends with someone I make little or no effort to maintain contact with them. The onus is on them to call and invite me to events and get-togethers. Needless to say this greatly limits my circle of friends. I do, however, have a rather large number of acquaintances.

Clingy or Aloof? Your Sex Life May Suffer - Yahoo News

"they examined two types of adult attachment styles recognized by psychologists since the late 1980s: anxious attachment, in which people act out fears of rejection and abandonment, and avoidant attachment, where individuals are uncomfortable with closeness and dependence. Both of these attachment styles are considered "insecure," in contrast to the "secure" attachment style, which is neither clingy nor aloof."

 

[Zhuyue Zhao]

I know the feeling, like I become friends with someone and I then obsess over that person because I like the feeling of be loved and wanted by them. Like I send messages with QQ and I don't get responds like I used to. I miss u so much, hualing! 想念你，花翎。
从，
你的朋友，
珠月赵

 

[Judge]

Stands to reason, Loomis. That being aloof or clingy....it reflects a defense mechanism of sorts. I've been burned by one too many people over the years...enough to realize how easy it is to keep people at an arm's distance.

And when I do try to extend myself to others and am more or less rejected, it just reinforces such behavior. I just can't seem to connect with most people....whether I'm aloof or friendly.

 

[Axeman52]

Yep, lost my last married couple friends this year. I was blamed for their break up despite the fact he was having an affair. It seems he thought I was after his lady as I was 'always hanging around'.

I don't have enough friends to keep losing them so I have had to learn to back off. Still hurts though.

Ugh, yep, I've had a similar problem. Different in that nobody was having an affair and they are still together. It was a girl I had been friends with since we were both 15, and as soon as she got married her husband didn't like the fact I was around because he thought I was too clingy with her.

Looking back on it, though, I'm better off without them both. She was actually very bad for me - I recently saw some messages she sent me on facebook when I was deleting old posts. She used to treat me like a complete invalid, a helpless child who was completely incapable of taking care of myself and making my own decisions, and you know what? I thought she was right, I thought I needed her. That was my biggest mistake - not the resulting clingy behaviour.

 

[The Penguin]

This is a habit I tend to do all the time. it a point I gave up on people and focus on a life alone.

 

[grapesicles]

I completely empathise with this. I've definitely learned to change my behaviours though! It's hard to strike the right balance between clingy/unsocial - these days I tend to wait for other people to make their move or start a conversation, which isn't always the best way to go either.