Dreamfactory: Friendship

[Annanda]

In another thread created by @SunnyDay16 we discussed the unhelpful advice:"Just make friends" and our difficulties with initiating and maintaining friendship
Inspired by this exchange some questions came into my mind:
In your dreams:
Which qualities has your potential friend?
What do you expect from the relationship to him/her?
What would you do for him/her?

 

[Gritches]

Which qualities has your potential friend?

Intelligence, honesty, loyalty

What do you expect from the relationship to him/her?

To have each others' backs when need be, an understanding not to be taken advantage of but to be used as a last resort when the cookies really hit the fan.

What would you do for him/her?

I would stand at his/her back that the world may never overtake us.

Thing is, I've had friends before that meet those qualifications. I was just too immature to realize and appreciate what I had.

 

[Suzanne]

My dream came true and with some personal reflections.

She is a person who my anxieties do not attack. Probably because there are no underhanded methods of speech. I know where I am with her.

We mostly communicate via whatsapp and the times we see each other face to face, no embarrassments. Silence is peaceful and conversation flows effortlessly.

There are times she winds me up, but learned to deal with it. In the past, could not deal with finding something negative and thinking about that now, wow, how arrogant of me! For I am hardly perfect myself.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

I dont know I didnt make new friends for years, my best friend atm are people I know since i'm a kid/teenager, So...

 

[Kyle.]

I like friends who are genuine/loyal + not using you for things
cause your an easy touch... and ones who don't like .. talk
behind you're back and things lol :}

 

[Tom]

Generosity is a great quality in a friend.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Friends are over rated. Why is everyone so afraid of being alone?

Togetherness is just a meme that's soured.

 

[Mycroft.Holmes]

Hi,

In my opinion I find having a lot of criteria for finding friends to be counter productive. This comes from a someone who is considered a hyper critical person. Because I spend most of my time alone I sometimes forget that people are not perfect and make mistakes. If I then see a person fall short of my impossible to reach expectations, I get annoyed. Those same standards are not exclusive to other people. My standards for myself are even higher, I will feel bad because of a small mistake and beat myself up over it. Then I will feel bad because I feel bad and the cycle continues. But I am getting off topic.

My friends are very different from me and I really like them because of it. My closest friend is in many respects the total opposite of me, and I believe we really make a good team because of it. The thing is, In the past I would not consider talking to him or similar people because they do not fit my normal expectations of a friend.

Mutual respect is the most important thing for me. I really like people with whom I can talk about theories, are very intelligent, geeky etc.(I am like a moth drawn to a flame to those things.) But I do not expect that of all my friends. we have Respect, Honesty, caring for each other so for me thats more than enough.

So in summary because I got off topic. Try and keep a open mind, you will never know who might become a friend.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Hi,

In my opinion I find having a lot of criteria for finding friends to be counter productive. This comes from a someone who is considered a hyper critical person. Because I spend most of my time alone I sometimes forget that people are not perfect and make mistakes. If I then see a person fall short of my impossible to reach expectations, I get annoyed. Those same standards are not exclusive to other people. My standards for myself are even higher, I will feel bad because of a small mistake and beat myself up over it. Then I will feel bad because I feel bad and the cycle continues. But I am getting off topic.

My friends are very different from me and I really like them because of it. My closest friend is in many respects the total opposite of me, and I believe we really make a good team because of it. The thing is, In the past I would not consider talking to him or similar people because they do not fit my normal expectations of a friend.

Mutual respect is the most important thing for me. I really like people with whom I can talk about theories, are very intelligent, geeky etc.(I am like a moth drawn to a flame to those things.) But I do not expect that of all my friends. we have Respect, Honesty, caring for each other so for me thats more than enough.

So in summary because I got off topic. Try and keep a open mind, you will never know who might become a friend.

I agree that it's best to keep your expectations to a minimum and make sure they are realistic. People are not perfect and they will not always meet your expectations, but it's not worth throwing away a good friendship because of that.

For example, expecting friends to always have the same views as you or the same interests as you is unrealistic. People change views and interests. Or expecting friends to have you as their top priority if they have a busy life.

 

[Pats]

I think everyone tends to become with friends who are most like themselves. Who has or wants a friend that disagrees with all your opinions? Has completely opposite priorities? Who does not like any of the things you like?
If we find someone who is like-minded, we are more apt to find that person supportive and understanding.
I need someone with a similar sense of humor who is not going to misunderstand me when I'm trying to be funny and get upset. I need someone with similar values and beliefs so they won't debate every subject that is important to me. I need someone who has had struggles so they will understand mine.
And I need someone who talks a lot so I don't have to.

 

[Annanda]

Thing is, I've had friends before that meet those qualifications. I was just too immature to realize and appreciate what I had.

When and how did you realize it?

People are not perfect and they will not always meet your expectations, but it's not worth throwing away a good friendship because of that.

Very wise advice! Sometimes I struggle with this one.
If I'm very disappointed, because a friend e.g. lied to me or was unloyal or devaluating, there would come the moment, where I would break up the relationship from one moment to the other.
It's like a switch within my mind is flipped and it's nearly impossible to reverse.
I know there are so many reasons why things could happen and would be said and done, but I just can't help it.

 

[SunnyDay16]

When and how did you realize it?


Very wise advice! Sometimes I struggle with this one.
If I'm very disappointed, because a friend e.g. lied to me or was unloyal or devaluating, there would come the moment, where I would break up the relationship from one moment to the other.
It's like a switch within my mind is flipped and it's nearly impossible to reverse.
I know there are so many reasons why things could happen and would be said and done, but I just can't help it.

Sometimes it's better to break up friendships than keep them. I'm not trying to say you should keep friends who consistently lie to you or treat you like crap. By all means, let those people go. Those relationships aren't worth trying to keep.

 

[Gritches]

When and how did you realize it?

I realized it long after it was too late to do anything about it. It was when I realized that friendship is about mutual respect, not about "what can you do for me?" It was when I looked at every "friend" I had made in my adult life realized that, by aforementioned definition, we were never friends.

 

[SusanLR]

I think everyone tends to become with friends who are most like themselves. Who has or wants a friend that disagrees with all your opinions? Has completely opposite priorities? Who does not like any of the things you like?
If we find someone who is like-minded, we are more apt to find that person supportive and understanding.

This is what I would want in a friend.
Then I could feel comfortable with them and not feel they would turn away when they see the real me
without the mask. They could know anything about my life's history and not hold it against me.
I could be myself and be comfortable with them then.

I think in another thread, @Gritches , said something about a clone, but, it's illegal?
I want a lover and a friend. If such existed they could be both of them.

@Tom , Can I order one of these from Amazon?

PRIME!

 

[cberg]

I know someone like this in reality. I don't want to project when I should be accepting instead.

 

[interim]

I have no problem making friends, but people in general have problem making friends. They make acquaintances and call them "friends". This is the issue for me. A friend is:
- someone that wants to know you. Most people care only about themselves and get bored if you decide to talk about yourself.
- someone that accepts you for who you are, with all negatives. Most people are with you only for the "good stuff", and try to avoid you otherwise.
- someone that will help you in "bad times". Most people are with you only for the "good times", for the fun, to use you.
- someone that is loyal. Most people are around you only while it suits them, and seek constantly "better friends", better deals out there...
- someone that wants to resolve problems in the relationship. If a conflict happens, most people will just get angry, play offended, avoid the topic, stop speaking to you etc. Will dump you like nothing, even if you know each other for years and years...

Beside that, I've never "judged", and required from person, in the way most people judge and require from me. For example, as a child, I had a friend who was a "problem child". He was extremely wild and unstable, because of his dysfunctional family. He was nothing like me, but he was loyal, accepted me, he knew how to be a friend. I think, as children, we all know, but forget growing up, since we get "realistic" about human nature, and how society works.

I basically didn't have a friend that didn't betray me, one way or another. And it's heartbreaking, especially when it repeats over and over again. And this is just how it is, people are self-centered creatures, programmed to follow their own interest. As adults, they learn how to do this better and better, so real friendship becomes impossible. What people really mean is:

"Just make acquaintances"

I would be happy, if people learn to say what they really mean. I have hard time "decoding" what a so called "normal" person really says, since I tend to get it too literally. People generally delude themselves about a lot of things, and this reflect in their language. I force myself to make acquaintances, since I'm not stupid, I know how the world really works, but it's hard for me. It's a role, a pose, an act, I never learnt . It will never work out for me, like for most, so I just don't try to compare myself, I keep lower expectations, understand the human nature, understand that I will be always "lower quality" human for everybody else, it's nothing personal, just the way it is.