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Don't want a relationship, but what else is out there?

selena

Well-Known Member
I've never been in a relationship, largely because I was a late bloomer with self-esteem/avoidance issues. I also had low/no sex drive for most of my life. I think I can safely declare myself asexual at this point.

There was a small window where I thought I was "getting better," had some interest in guys, and still looked decent enough to be attracting guys. But it turned out I still had anxiety issues. Flirted a little, exchanged some numbers, but really freaked out at the idea of anyone I barely knew at my place, and when I did have sex couldn't stop worrying about getting pregnant or, worse, a UTI. So I pressed pause on that train while I focused on other things.

A few years passed by, and now I think I'm just numb. The last time I had a major crush on a guy was in 2017, and I'm not sure I'm really capable of romantic feelings toward anyone anymore. I have seen two asexual people partner up, but all the friendships I did make were casual and, at best, short-termed. I'm also not as fun as I used to be anymore.

tl;dr: I don't know how navigate the world without a relationship, but what if I don't want/can't have one?
 
You sound more depressed than anything else. This is the kind of stuff therapists are needed for. You might just need to accept yourself for who you are and not worry about changing into what you are not.
 
I don't know how navigate the world without a relationship, but what if I don't want/can't have one?

You've managed to survive and "navigate" this world for 30 years without sex or relationships. Who is to say you can't go on for another 30 more?

At some point you may no longer feel societal pressure towards either. And in the end, it's all about what YOU feel- and not anyone else. If your emotional status quo works for you, why worry about changing it?

A conclusion I came to myself, but in my forties. A decade or so before I ever even gave a thought that I could be on the spectrum of autism. About the only thought I give to such things these days is whether or not I could get along with my own kind.

Though in my sixties that seems to be a moot point as well. In the end much of my life has been in solitude, for better or worse. It's not a crime to be alone, despite all the societal pressures to the contrary. That for some of us, that's all there is.
 
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Being alone is safe. Being with someone raises a host of issues l chose not to do. I am thinking of moving to a remote part of small country town. I have been to harrassed by men who want a free ride or a housewife slave. No to both of those.
 
especially as control issues are always present. l don't need to control you, you don't need to control me. My biggest issue.
 
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I saw this movie about the future and this girl's boyfriend was a Humanoid. We don't have them yet but someday maybe they will. They seemed very happy together.

;)
 
l really liked this one person. But l guess he felt l don't really care about him. Maybe l will meet him in another life time. lol Relationships are such a quagmire of little issues that make you back away and say omg.
 
I think most relationships rely on trust to work. That's a difficult thing to ask for or gave. Especially over long periods of time.
 
I'm on the ace spectrum and I get how it feels to some extent. As a greysexual, I'm not interested unless there's an emotional bond, and that takes time and trust and exposure and lots of talking about what the relationship needs are and what it means. An old college classmate said it really well once:

"I used to think I was broken, until I realized that I'm Ace."

I've found that sentiment really comforting, and have come to know and care about some ace people who share (frankly, overlooked) anxieties about intimacy in relationships. You're not alone.
 
I did post a reply on your "feeling depressed" thread, so I am not going to repeat myself here. Anxiety is often a symptom of those excitatory/inhibitory neurotransmitter imbalances. I provided some suggestions that may help. The issues with not being able to bond emotionally is likely due to a hypothalamus not secreting enough oxytocin and vasopressin. I know some children are given oxytocin in a nasal spray, and it appears to help significantly,...but that is not practical for most people given the 20 minute half-life,...you're spraying that stuff all day. Having said that, so-called "neurotypicals" have conditioned societal norms, and unfortunately, folks who are alone, regardless of the underlying issues, are somehow seen as someone to be pitied or to feel sorry for. So, as an autistic, to feel depressed because you may feel like you are somehow not meeting some societal norm, in your/our case is emotionally real, but doesn't make much sense logically. It's OK to be alone,...for some, a lot less stressful. However, that is no excuse to hide from the world. Get out, travel, hike in Asia, go to Africa, Antarctica, sit on a beach in the Maldives, eco tour the Amazon,...whatever you like,...live,...and you might meet someone,...a friend with "benefits",...who knows,...have some fun and move on.
 
I've only had two dates in my life. Neither one lasted past one meeting together. When they didn't work out, I was heartbroken, and it felt awful. I'm not sure if I want a relationship either if I'm going to have to have those feelings.

Even if I never have a romantic relationship, I'd be happy with a bunch of cuddle buddies (I identify as polyamorous).
 
It's okay if you don't want a relationship and only a platonic friendship. Nothing wrong with that. It's hard to find a non-committed person who is open to fun and will truly try to respect you long term and stay friends even if they find a partner because most people are selfish with their time and only want a "f buddy".

What can help you personally is exercise and learning more things and how to apply those things.


Good luck in your search.
 

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