Don't really know what to do. Cornered and angry

[Alaric593]

Hello,

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and it's pretty much over. We have two children, one only 3 months old. I just recently discovered I have Aspergers, 3 years ago approximately. It's taken a toll on our marriage for sure but so has her inability to accept responsibility for her behaviors and project her father who was abusive on to me.

Whenever I try to bring up behavior I would like her to work on, the ego comes up and as she's told me countless times she did with her dad she "dug her heels in and argued with him just to argue because f him" and doesn't hear a word I'm saying.

I know I am difficult but I am not that difficult. I'm capable of calmly asking her and I do. But it doesn't matter how calm, the ego shield raises. She can also be cruel, not always meaning to be I don't think but some is certainly intentional. I don't know what's wrong with her other than the abuse, but she won't seek treatment so I can't force her.

Tonight, she told me I'm going to grow old, alone and lonely. I've never hit a woman, but I really wanted to, I controlled it. I just told her, that I've been alone my whole life and if you cared even a little, you would know that about Aspergers and me.

I am just realizing she just doesn't care enough to want to better herself so those behaviors don't set me off because it's impossible to control sometimes and she doesn't seem to care to understand me better. I've been in therapy since I discovered Aspergers could be the diagnosis for some of the traits that have plagued my life.

The economic situation makes either moving untenable really and I don't want to leave my children anyway. My duty requires me here with them but a duty that I used to know, protection of her life with mine, I don't think I would do anymore which in past relationships, that's when I pulled the plug. If I will protect someone or something with my life, is how I've always known love. My country and served in Afghanistan, when I could no longer feel that I would die for it, for many reasons, I left the military and every woman.

I just feel cornered, trapped, angry, sad, like a failure to my children who luckily don't seem to have Aspergers. Both are incredibly social and love to be around people but are still young whereas, I obviously could take it or leave it but do it because much of my behavior is rooted in a duty to do what I'm doing.

I just don't know what to do. I think I would rather get divorced from her but the thought of not seeing my children daily is the worst pain I've ever felt so I can't imagine surviving actually doing it. We're just not compatible and she has no desire to be better for me or understand me.

 

[VictorR]

Hi and welcome!

Sorry about your circumstances. If I understand your post correctly you're a veteran - do they have family counseling services available perhaps? It might provide a starting point.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you for your service to our country.

VA clinics and Hospitals really try to help our veterans. Can you bring her to a meeting with a psychologist?

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Its good that you are here. Sorry to hear about how things are for you and your family at present. I guess I would maybe try to rethink the idea that you are 'cornered' or trapped, as this is not so helpful, it can lead you to feel as if you are not as in charge as any of us mostly are for your situation.

We take on responsibilities and they have great upsides, but also downsides. You have great kids with your partner, and I would try to take a step back from what I do understand to be a natural impulse to blame or denigrate the other in the relationship, when things are so uncomfortable. Respecting the children's other parent, even when you may not longer feel the relationship is what you want, is a basic to a positive way forward.

Ultimately she didn't say you'd grow old and lonely to upset you, she was probably trying to get you to see something, maybe about her feelings or needs. This is where arguing can go off course into mutual blaming and distress for you both. Of course, as you say, you should never hit the other person, and if you feel like you may, it maybe good to have help to make a plan about how to handle arguments differently.

For example, agreeing that if you both feel upset, it can be hard to have a discussion, and that there can be ways to plan discussions that take this into account. Perhaps you can think about an idea like, you or she can say if you need time out, and go to another room or even out for a walk. How long you'll be out is often useful to agree, so the other person doesn't worry and feel abandoned.

Your partner survived abuse, and that inevitably affects people. You are finding out about and dealing with Aspergers /ASD 1. The fact that you both may be ending your 12 year relationship is stressful for you both. However, relationships do end and the other person is not to blame. You are not to blame, neither is your partner. We mature, we change, we fall out of love, we may wish the other person understood us better, but we can't get our head around how they are either. It's tough.

I'm guessing you two don't have much family support? Who can you call on for help or backup? That in itself is stressful. Ideally I would suggest at least getting a book on healthy arguing, and how to have a healthy break up. When arguing is so distressing, it isn't productive. For yourselves or your children who inevitably overhear or are impacted.

Take a step back to respect each other, and plan for yourselves and your children. Realistically, many people would at some point make separate living arrangements, when that seems appropriate and financially possible, but some also do repair their difficulties. Some think, where did I lose respect for this other person who has limitations and faults, but who has been so important to me and our children? Some realise relationships are able to be worked on, to go beyond our initial love, to accept how the other person is, all around, imperfect, sometimes irritating and unable to be there for us. Some think, I actually have a family here, and that's amazing.

Either way though, we always have choices, we arent trapped, a way forward can be found, help and support is out there, you are here for example, and we get your situation with Aspergers /ASD, and we also maybe get how aspects of how we can be can impact a partner. Lots here in relationships, or with experience of your situation. Others have also suggested you can perhaps access help as a veteran, and we can maybe help you think all this through or just be some backup.

 

[Alaric593]

Thank you for your service to our country.

VA clinics and Hospitals really try to help our veterans. Can you bring her to a meeting with a psychologist?

I have great insurance through the firm I work for who give me six free sessions for each ''issue" and the therapist has kept that going for awhile. My disgust with much of what's been going on in the government for years just won't allow me to take anything from it where there's a choice.

She did agree to speak with my counselor a few weeks back. I don't even know I want her to but probably will out of duty to my children. I have an idea how it's going to go, but don't know I suppose.

 

[Aspychata]

Excellent well thought out advice here. Someone has a lot of experience.

Please understand that at anytime you feel like harming yourself, or just as importantly a family member-please immediately go the hospital or VA clinic. Let them know immediately you are having thoughts of hurting someone and you require immediate assistance.
Your family only wants to see you be helped. If this anger is reoccurring, please schedule for counseling.

 

[Aspychata]

Perhaps you can take advantage and for a little extra money bring your wife in for some couple counseling?

Relationships do have great highs, and sometimes lows. Can you remember the good things? Your wife needs to make some changes in her behaviors. Can you ask her if she is willing to work on this relationship with you? Only then you know where this is going. Two people have to work together. Relationships do need tuneups and maintenance just like cars. We change as we age. Anyways hoping the best for both of you.

 

[Alaric593]

Excellent well thought out advice here. Someone has a lot of experience.

Please understand that at anytime you feel like harming yourself, or just as importantly a family member-please immediately go the hospital or VA clinic. Let them know immediately you are having thoughts of hurting someone and you require immediate assistance.
Your family only wants to see you be helped. If this anger is reoccurring, please schedule for counseling.

That isn't a possibility. It's my duty to remain for my children even if I'm suffering. I know why I was able to control that feeling, my duty to my children is always in the front. Prison, self harm or my children seeing me as dishonorable all take me from my children in various forms and I just won't allow it. I just am unable to extrapolate potential future outcomes in my mind as I am able to usually when I think about not being here to see them daily. The love they have for each other and how they interact I could watch all day if possible. Better than any show I've ever seen. And when I try to extrapolate potential outcomes, I'm blank.

 

[Aspychata]

You sound to me to be really hurting. And your pain really comes across. Maybe counseling for you talking about your pain, and your frustrations with her. If you can talk about this pain, it will help you to take a step back and release anger, frustration that you have right now with spouse being unresponsive. Then later can approach her about her receiving counseling for her father's abuse because it has shown up in your relationship. I recently told someone, l refuse to argue with you, l am not your mother. I don't know if you can flip it and tell her, l refuse to argue, l am not your father.

 

[Alaric593]

Hi and welcome. Its good that you are here. Sorry to hear about how things are for you and your family at present. I guess I would maybe try to rethink the idea that you are 'cornered' or trapped, as this is not so helpful, it can lead you to feel as if you are not as in charge as any of us mostly are for your situation.

We take on responsibilities and they have great upsides, but also downsides. You have great kids with your partner, and I would try to take a step back from what I do understand to be a natural impulse to blame or denigrate the other in the relationship, when things are so uncomfortable. Respecting the children's other parent, even when you may not longer feel the relationship is what you want, is a basic to a positive way forward.

Ultimately she didn't say you'd grow old and lonely to upset you, she was probably trying to get you to see something, maybe about her feelings or needs. This is where arguing can go off course into mutual blaming and distress for you both. Of course, as you say, you should never hit the other person, and if you feel like you may, it maybe good to have help to make a plan about how to handle arguments differently.

For example, agreeing that if you both feel upset, it can be hard to have a discussion, and that there can be ways to plan discussions that take this into account. Perhaps you can think about an idea like, you or she can say if you need time out, and go to another room or even out for a walk. How long you'll be out is often useful to agree, so the other person doesn't worry and feel abandoned.

Your partner survived abuse, and that inevitably affects people. You are finding out about and dealing with Aspergers /ASD 1. The fact that you both may be ending your 12 year relationship is stressful for you both. However, relationships do end and the other person is not to blame. You are not to blame, neither is your partner. We mature, we change, we fall out of love, we may wish the other person understood us better, but we can't get our head around how they are either. It's tough.

I'm guessing you two don't have much family support? Who can you call on for help or backup? That in itself is stressful. Ideally I would suggest at least getting a book on healthy arguing, and how to have a healthy break up. When arguing is so distressing, it isn't productive. For yourselves or your children who inevitably overhear or are impacted.

Take a step back to respect each other, and plan for yourselves and your children. Realistically, many people would at some point make separate living arrangements, when that seems appropriate and financially possible, but some also do repair their difficulties. Some think, where did I lose respect for this other person who has limitations and faults, but who has been so important to me and our children? Some realise relationships are able to be worked on, to go beyond our initial love, to accept how the other person is, all around, imperfect, sometimes irritating and unable to be there for us. Some think, I actually have a family here, and that's amazing.

Either way though, we always have choices, we arent trapped, a way forward can be found, help and support is out there, you are here for example, and we get your situation with Aspergers /ASD, and we also maybe get how aspects of how we can be can impact a partner. Lots here in relationships, or with experience of your situation. Others have also suggested you can perhaps access help as a veteran, and we can maybe help you think all this through or just be some backup.

No, we don't have much family support. Her dad is dead. Her mom, whom I don't particularly like because of how she's treated my wife during our relationship and not kept her word to my daughter various times. She's also a source of behaviors that are causing conflict. If these behaviors from her parents are so apparent an Aspie can see it, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see it so it beggars the mind how she can't which is why it seems the answer is she doesn't care enough to do as I'm asking of her.

Both my parents are too elderly and have many health issues but for my step mom helps and takes care of my dad at the same time.

She doesn't speak to her brothers at all. And my siblings I don't trust with something so important.

 

[Alaric593]

I have great insurance through the firm I work for who give me six free sessions for each ''issue" and the therapist has kept that going for awhile. My disgust with much of what's been going on in the government for years just won't allow me to take anything from it where there's a choice.

She did agree to speak with my counselor a few weeks back. I don't even know I want her to but probably will out of duty to my children. I have an idea how it's going to go, but don't know I suppose.

She's refusing to. So I guess we're getting divorced. Because I can't deal with her lack of responsibility and her lack of duty to our children. My health can't take it.

 

[Thinx]

There's more likely explanations than that she doesn't care about what you prefer her to do. She's possibly conflicted in her relationship to her mum especially after abuse from the dad, which sometimes may mean the mum was abused too by him, or silenced. That would make her stressed and triggered about your input maybe, despite that you are coming from a very different place. There's some Aspie guys on here where they have had more time to look into how this can affect relating, and you could maybe look up some threads like from @Neonatal RRT @Rasputin @Alexej and more, but think our main area of difference and difficulties is communication, where yes we are misunderstood, but also we don't always understand where the other persons coming from.

Also neurotypical people and Aspies can be made insecure by their childhoods, and the natural route we take that's in a sense healthy,is to transfer some of this to our interaction with our partner. Each person unconsciously does that, but it does also cause stress, and is extra difficult when both people are insecure or up against other difficulties in communication, through trauma or neurodiversity, for example.

Another thing many of us are up against us a processing delay, which can mean we don't get stuff at first, or feel our own emotions at first, this can be hard for both people trying to discuss issues. It's something that can be helped with. I have seen a lot of couples discuss issues usefully, with support, as I am a counsellor and relationship therapist, also I have high autistic traits or Aspergers /ASD 1. We may be different but we can still work through issues, and as parents it's especially important you guys get good help to do that, it sounds so stressful for you both.

Sorry to hear you don't have much support, but where possible I would say try to take what you can, to take some pressure of you both. Short term at least, while you both sort things out. A couple therapist who is used to working with 2 peoples different styles and ideally understands autism can help support you both with the tricky communication, and give you more confidence to say what needs saying in a safe space. Listening to each other is really important, a counsellor can help you feel able to do that. You are both your children's loving parents, not on different sides, just with different needs here.

 

[Thinx]

Sounds she's got concerns about that. Try a supportive self help book, or if she would like a first individual session. Where I work we always see each person individually first and I often would do that sometimes ongoing with some couples who have very different styles and difficult past issues.

I know it can seem alluring, but giving up may seem like a short term solution, but parents need to be able to communicate. I see plenty of people post separation, but I also do recommend you not to rush into separation at a time when you haven't explored your options.

 

[Aspychata]

Oh dear. I understand you have to take care of you at this point. Sorry she is being uncooperative. You did try. Please do not get angry. You are great father. Your children do depend on you. So let the anger fade away and start using this energy to get to a better place. I am not saying it's going to be easy. Because it's not. My divorce was horrible but using a mediation process to get our divorce decree really released a lot of stress. I will post tomorrow a excellent source for you to get some insight. Just realize that things happen and like @Thinx expanded upon, it's nobody's fault, it's something that is happening and you need to stay together in your thought process so that your children will have the best outcome, okay?

 

[Aspychata]

You need to also get away for a little bit of the day to clear your head. There are going to be a lot of emotions and tension. So to get away and maybe walk or fish or sit somewhere and compose yourself. Go to a gym and do weights or swim. Start up something new to bring a little joy to yourself while you work thru this. Try not to fight at this point. Ask her to not raise her voice or exit the room if she can't be respectful.

 

[Alaric593]

There's more likely explanations than that she doesn't care about what you prefer her to do. She's possibly conflicted in her relationship to her mum especially after abuse from the dad, which sometimes may mean the mum was abused too by him, or silenced. That would make her stressed and triggered about your input maybe, despite that you are coming from a very different place. There's some Aspie guys on here where they have had more time to look into how this can affect relating, and you could maybe look up some threads like from @Neonatal RRT @Rasputin @Alexej and more, but think our main area of difference and difficulties is communication, where yes we are misunderstood, but also we don't always understand where the other persons coming from.

Also neurotypical people and Aspies can be made insecure by their childhoods, and the natural route we take that's in a sense healthy,is to transfer some of this to our interaction with our partner. Each person unconsciously does that, but it does also cause stress, and is extra difficult when both people are insecure or up against other difficulties in communication, through trauma or neurodiversity, for example.

Another thing many of us are up against us a processing delay, which can mean we don't get stuff at first, or feel our own emotions at first, this can be hard for both people trying to discuss issues. It's something that can be helped with. I have seen a lot of couples discuss issues usefully, with support, as I am a counsellor and relationship therapist, also I have high autistic traits or Aspergers /ASD 1. We may be different but we can still work through issues, and as parents it's especially important you guys get good help to do that, it sounds so stressful for you both.

Sorry to hear you don't have much support, but where possible I would say try to take what you can, to take some pressure of you both. Short term at least, while you both sort things out. A couple therapist who is used to working with 2 peoples different styles and ideally understands autism can help support you both with the tricky communication, and give you more confidence to say what needs saying in a safe space. Listening to each other is really important, a counsellor can help you feel able to do that. You are both your children's loving parents, not on different sides, just with different needs here.

It was the other way around. She was abusive to her dad and her dad took it out on his children.

She's very much like her histrionic mother, her one brother is histrionic as well who threw my daughter, myself and her while pregnant out of his house during Christmas in a different state over dishes. But only in this particular way is she like it.

Her mother cut her out of her life for nearly three years of the 12 we've been together. 1 1/2 included my daughter and called her a bunch of nasty names because my wife asked her to not allow our daughter to do something. Willing to blow up relationships to not take responsibility.

The latter is what my wife does, then blows up to epoch levels me telling her to do something in the garden in anger because I needed to rest my back and she hadn't done as she said she would. I've jumped out of airplanes for a living for years. I hurt sometimes.

It was the worst thing I've ever done, and our marriage needs to end over it. That's not even the worst thing I've said to her letalone done in my life. My wife doesn't throw things at me or try to hit me like her mom did but may if I weren't trained in martial arts. Possible. I suppose.

It's only when I ask her to do something about her childhood trauma because it is contributing to our problems alot or when I'm overly verbally aggressive. And I know my responsibility is the latter.

But I'm doing something about it and have been because I don't like doing it at all. It's unnecessary and while doesn't rise to dishonorable it is unethical because it's a disproportionate response to the situation but I really cannot control it sometimes no matter how hard I try.

I can see myself doing it, know I don't want to, but can't stop it like I can when a situation would take my children away if I allow it. That I can shut down.

She just won't do anything about it. She won't even admit she's contributing or that it's real. She would be the only person in history to not pick up bad traits from their parents, or good traits for that matter.

I just don't understand this mentality and how she can sit there and tell me she didn't say things she absolutely said when I have them in text. It's like my child when I used to catch her eating an extra fruit snack but at least my daughter finally admitted it when she could no longer keep up the charade. "No I didn't daddy" "honey, I can see the wrapper" "I swear I didn't" "Then why are there two?" "Oh ok. I did".

That's normal for a four year old, not a 40 year old.

When we first met, I was an absolute mess. A drunk, smoked pot, took pills, and smoked cigarettes, destroyed our finances which I fixed. I went to back to school, was accepted to Duke, became a paralegal, and work for a Fortune 100 company in their IP legal department. Which is not easy for me because of Aspergers. It's draining beyond words but I do it anyway because it must be done. It is my duty.

She treated me better then when I was an absolute degenerate, than she has since I stopped all of them at the same time following the birth of our daughter and her coming out looking like the baby version of me, with blonde hair already nearly to her shoulders, and staring a hole through my eyes which crippled me to my knees in shame that I couldn't even make it through day of my child being born not on a substance. I had taken a pill because my back hurt terribly.

None of that was easy for me, but it had to be done. It was literally the hardest thing I'd ever done. And she can't or won't do this one thing for me so I can deal with this <insert expletives> condition better and she will be happier. It just as disproportionate as mine but rising to dishonor because our children are more important than her ego.

Aspergers is ruining my life, our children's lives and she can help, but won't.

 

[RotanotNino]

That isn't a possibility. It's my duty to remain for my children even if I'm suffering. I know why I was able to control that feeling, my duty to my children is always in the front. Prison, self harm or my children seeing me as dishonorable all take me from my children in various forms and I just won't allow it.

Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You should never wish to do less. Robert E. Lee. Whatever flaws he had he was spot on with that statement.

I just am unable to extrapolate potential future outcomes in my mind as I am able to usually when I think about not being here to see them daily. The love they have for each other and how they interact I could watch all day if possible. Better than any show I've ever seen. And when I try to extrapolate potential outcomes, I'm blank.

I have nothing for you there, my longest full on relationship was about 2 years. I suck at that stuff. But Aspychata has some good points in post #15. I hope you get properly squared away Alaric.

 

[Crossbreed]

I am skeptical that VA counselors will deal with ASD competently.
(That has not been my experience, anyway.)

Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[RotanotNino]

Her mother cut her out of her life for nearly three years of the 12 we've been together. 1 1/2 included my daughter and called her a bunch of nasty names because my wife asked her to not allow our daughter to do something. Willing to blow up relationships to not take responsibility.

My older brother has a toxic MIL like that. She poisons everything around her.

 

[Nitro]