does aspergers play a role here?

[plat]

I was diagnosed with mild aspergers in my teens. I am now 23 and have struggled with dating, relationships with women my whole life as a result of simply not meeting women in daily life. I want to meet people and make more friends and all that, but I am somewhat shy and reserved in social interactions. I need to get comfortable with new people before really opening up, ypu know?

I never saw aspergers as a factor, I have always been kind of quite and awkward but I figured that came from social isolation resulting from other causes.

Recently I have been meeting people through online dating apps and I'm wondering how aspergers may be affecting my interaction with these women. Also, given that I have only been dating a few months, there will be a learning curve.


Meeting them is a mixed bag. Sometimes it goes great, we have lots to talk about and I'm not nervous, overthinking things, etc.

Other times the situation feels awkward, they comment on my not being talkative, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

About me not being talkative, I just don't understand that. Should we really be chatting constantly while together? What would we talk about?

True, much of this depends on the other preson's personality. And some of the dates have gone great. One person I saw for a month actually.

No matter what, when I meet someone, I make sure to listen and respond to them, to make eye contact(never had a problem with this anyway), to reflect openness in my body language, to pay attention to their phrasing and body language, and to not bore them by talking about myself or my interests in too much detail. I give them respect and my full attention.

I'm just not sure if aspergers plays a role here, given how mild it is and the fact that some dates go really well.

 

[Judge]

Good questions. All of which I have asked myself most of my life.

Though all the way into my fifties, I nebulously surmised that I was an "introvert". Finding solitude to be of comfort to me when so many others seemed to imply that isolation was psychologically negative. Compounded by growing up in a military family where we methodically moved every few years, preventing me from establishing much of any "roots" socially speaking. Which I used to also surmise enabled me more as a target for bullying as the proverbial "new kid". And an ever-increasing degree of social anxiety that came during adolescence and remained with me.

And equally on rare occasion would question it all when for whatever reasons I could "click" with a girl with a minimum of awkwardness. It left me confused and discouraged, considering the bulk of my social interactions seemed more arduous than not. But the social institution of "dating"...I simply couldn't deal with. Too much pressure and social subterfuge. Thus all of my relationships were the result of friendships that grew into something else.

It wasn't until my mid fifties when I stumbled onto this thing called "Aspergers Syndrome". Where at first I was steeped in denial that this could outline who and what I am. Me, autistic? Nonsense! Though being a very persevering fellow neither could I stop investigating the notion that the origins of my traits and behaviors could be neurological more then environmental. Eventually my logic and perseverance won out over a long personal investigative process. It was just a matter of coming to terms with my own reality.

Going into my sixties, I've come to realize that my introversion, social anxiety, and preference for solitude is all the product of being neurodiverse. And routinely interacting with other neurodiverse people for more than three years has only affirmed my conclusions in identifying so many traits and behaviors reflecting autism. All in spite of being high-functioning with solid executive functioning skills.

I see Aspergers as being "central"to it all, myself. Though I don't consider it a detriment in the sense of my comorbid conditions like OCD and clinical depression. And yes, I think a lot of wondering how many of us there are out there relatively unaccounted for because for whatever reasons we "slipped through the radar" of a professional medical community. Though it doesn't help that we all have different combinations of traits and behaviors, and at different levels of amplitude. Likely making it that much more difficult to read or professionally diagnose.

 

[Gritches]

I won't bore you with an explanation as to why, but everything you said sounds very much like it comes from the standpoint of an Aspie, I could almost have written that myself.

Especially telling is "About me not being talkative, I just don't understand that. Should we really be chatting constantly while together? What would we talk about?" Exactly.

 

[plat]

Glad to hear about some similar experiences.

Judge, I went through the same thing. My family had lived in four states by the time I was 10 and I was repeatedly torn away from the friends I had made at each place. After the last move something was different and I was never as social and care-free as I had been.

Sometimes I wonder what my life could have been like if I had stayed put where I was already happy and with good people. Those could have been life-long friends, or more.


And it's strange the people I click with. Surprisingly, some are exactly the opposite of me - extroverted, animated, etc. Actually the one I saw longest and really liked was like that. She was exciting and refreshing to be around. She found my awkward personality cute and intriguing. She actually liked me the way I was, I didn't have to force myself through endless chatter because either silence was ok, or I really had something to say and felt comfortable saying it. Still really bummed she's gone.

Of course, I also get along well with some of the introverts too. Just strange how things work.

 

[Judge]

Glad to hear about some similar experiences.

Judge, I went through the same thing. My family had lived in four states by the time I was 10 and I was repeatedly torn away from the friends I had made at each place. After the last move something was different and I was never as social and care-free as I had been.

Sometimes I wonder what my life could have been like if I had stayed put where I was already happy and with good people. Those could have been life-long friends, or more.

I thought for decades it was a logical conclusion that I was the product of a military family. Where socially dependents usually either "sink or swam". And that well....I "sank", socially speaking. Each move seem to make it more difficult to find friends. Even my NT brother went through this.

While it had some impact on me, when I look back on my life in its entirety, I can realize how there was always something else looming in the background. My autism, which manifested itself somewhat inconsistently relative to time.

I know now that even had I lived in the same place most of my life, in the end it probably wouldn't have made a substantial difference for me socially. I am what I am...and because I have a much firmer understanding why, I'm ok with it.

 

[NeoPhile]

Welcome to Aspies Central!
I've struggled with relationships, too. I think it has to do with your aspergers. All of my relationships have been complete and total train wrecks; so I don't think I'm the authority on love.

 

[plat]

Judge, like you, I am wondering about the role aspergers plays vs simply a lack of social experience.

I do see great improvement in myself in the last few years. I've done so many things that would have seemed impossible not that long ago. And it feels good because nothing has ever gone badly or wrong. Sometimes not great but I have no regrets about putting myself out there.

How far might I be able to go by simply putting myself in these situations and learning and experiencing?

 

[Judge]

I do see great improvement in myself in the last few years. I've done so many things that would have seemed impossible not that long ago. And it feels good because nothing has ever gone badly or wrong. Sometimes not great but I have no regrets about putting myself out there.

Hopefully such success lies largely in your own self-awareness. Imagine living without a clue that you are on the spectrum. It's been ugly at times for me.

How far might I be able to go by simply putting myself in these situations and learning and experiencing?

Well, I suppose you could test those waters by going on a blind date. But from my perspective, that's somewhere between facetious and well...downright cruel.

But who knows? You might do considerably better than I did. Just too much "anticipation" for me when it comes to an actual date. Too much to think about and react in real time. Yet for me, going out and having fun with a female friend was usually a very positive experience.

For me in the long haul, I've come to realize that difficulties with socially interacting with others is something that is never going to disappear. That it will always be with me in some capacity, relative to the people and circumstances involved. It's not something I can profoundly "overcome".

 

[OkRad]

One thing that may help. Not talking teshe days makes people SO NERVOUS! Yes, that can go bad fast, However, if you couple silence with light touching. Not a lot. Not creepy touching. But if you start to know them , a touch to let htem know you are feeling something.

If a guy silently for instance took my hand and looked me int he eye with a smile and paused right there, to relay a deep feeling, THAT lasts more than anything he ever said. A tight, emotional sqeeze of the hand or lingering on a high 5..........YIKES! He would have me thinking about him for a long time!!

 

[Grandmother B]

I was diagnosed with mild aspergers in my teens. I am now 23 and have struggled with dating, relationships with women my whole life as a result of simply not meeting women in daily life. I want to meet people and make more friends and all that, but I am somewhat shy and reserved in social interactions. I need to get comfortable with new people before really opening up, ypu know?

I never saw aspergers as a factor, I have always been kind of quite and awkward but I figured that came from social isolation resulting from other causes.

Recently I have been meeting people through online dating apps and I'm wondering how aspergers may be affecting my interaction with these women. Also, given that I have only been dating a few months, there will be a learning curve.


Meeting them is a mixed bag. Sometimes it goes great, we have lots to talk about and I'm not nervous, overthinking things, etc.

Other times the situation feels awkward, they comment on my not being talkative, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

About me not being talkative, I just don't understand that. Should we really be chatting constantly while together? What would we talk about?

True, much of this depends on the other preson's personality. And some of the dates have gone great. One person I saw for a month actually.

No matter what, when I meet someone, I make sure to listen and respond to them, to make eye contact(never had a problem with this anyway), to reflect openness in my body language, to pay attention to their phrasing and body language, and to not bore them by talking about myself or my interests in too much detail. I give them respect and my full attention.

I'm just not sure if aspergers plays a role here, given how mild it is and the fact that some dates go really well.

I think sometimes you might be trying too hard. And you are so much more than your Asperger's. It sounds like to me you are doing the right things; especially ask them questions about themselves and their interests. People love to talk about themselves and if they think you are really interested, they will open up to you. You might also get some tips on www.aspergerexperts.com. Best of luck!!