Does anyone feel that they are now comfortable with social skills?

[Poppy98]

How many of you feel like you no longer have to actively research and ask about social skills and also don't run into problems in relation to them? How long did that take you and (if not already mentioned) how did you get to that point?

 

[TBRS1]

How many of you feel like you no longer have to actively research and ask about social skills and also don't run into problems in relation to them? How long did that take you and (if not already mentioned) how did you get to that point?

I was a high school teacher for 30 years.

A teacher either learns this, or they go full authoritarian on the class.

I am not an authoritarian so I had to quickly learn to play nice.

It was the result of a lot of observation, listening very carefully, making an infinite number of mistakes, reflection on those mistakes, painfully honest self examinations, and several years of trial and error.

After that, it was easy peasy lemon squeezey.

 

[Poppy98]

A teacher either learns this, or they go full authoritarian on the class.

I have noticed that.

 

[TBRS1]

I have noticed that.

It never results in better learning, does it?

 

[Poppy98]

It never results in better learning, does it?

Unless the aim is "learned helplessness" or learning to be a victim.
(Grim joke.)

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I learned and became skilled in the social interactions necessary for my work in hospice and developmental disability fields. I became very good at it, in those roles, to help people.

I never did learn to get along with superiors or do the team-building nonsense. So I started my own business and that solved most of those problems.

 

[velociraptor]

How many of you feel like you no longer have to actively research and ask about social skills and also don't run into problems in relation to them? How long did that take you and (if not already mentioned) how did you get to that point?

I don't think I'll ever be comfortable, but I'm starting to feel proficient. The problem I have now is that once you learn to read body language and micro-expressions at my level, you realize a fundamental truth: Everybody lies.

 

[Outdated]

I deliberately studied people and taught myself social skills when I was in my teens in order to be able to have a sex life, and I was very successful with that. Those same skills became incredibly important in every other aspect of my life too. In public situations I'm generally well liked and I know how to work a crowd and get them onside.

It's not the same in long term relationships and as White Water Woman just mentioned, I didn't get along very well with most employers, but I had no problems at all meeting new people or finding another job.

Now I'm older close personal relationships are no longer something I want or need in my life and I get all the fulfillment I need from strangers I meet when I go out.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

40 years working with the public in a large hospital setting. I can mask... with varying degrees of success and skill. Maybe others might not notice... but I do.

I think the biggest step forward in my life was actually having my diagnosis... then taking the deep dive into what it all meant... and finally realizing that my social skills were not as good as I once thought they were. It's always a work in progress, I am always learning, but nothing comes naturally with repetition. I have not been able to form habits in this regard. It's always a conscious effort and mentally exhausting for me.

I know what to do in my mind... but actually putting that into action just feels like acting. It's not who I am. It always feels shallow and disingenuous.

Most of the time people are simply "things" in my environment... I cannot connect on a personal level... in part, because I simply don't find people interesting. My heart and mind simply aren't wired up for it. I work in neonatal medicine because (1) my patients don't talk to me and (2) it's a very interesting niche with regards to the science.

Now... if you start talking about concepts, ideas, theories, science, etc... you will grab my attention. However, most people, most of the time, are consumed with talking about people... and I won't even interact on that level.

 

[RemyZee]

I haven't gotten better at it, but I've gotten better at not getting better. I mean, social things for me have always been HARD, confusing, impossible, disorienting and in general not fun. But I've grown in that I am ok to just be in that mental space, without any expectations, or even to expect they won't go well....so when social things DO go well I am pleasantly surprised. I do find as I get older I have lost some of my cynicism and pessimistic outlook that human beings are bad for the world and bad for me, gotten a little softer around the edges.. The part I do have a hard time with still is processing speech and that does really affect me socially. I still go around not having any idea what's going on because I just can't understand what people are saying to me.

 

[Shamar]

How many of you feel like you no longer have to actively research and ask about social skills and also don't run into problems in relation to them? How long did that take you and (if not already mentioned) how did you get to that point?

There is a difference in knowing the skills theoretically and being able to practice them. I have learned how social skills are supposed to work, but the rules seem to keep changing. I have read about body language, but I still am blind to it in a practical sense. And the fear of social interaction never diminishes. I cannot practice because there is no way to get started and no support. My practicing is dependent on other people approaching me, and that just almost never happens.

 

[Rodafina]

I'm not more comfortable with it over all, but I understand and accept my limitations better than I used to. I'm better at discerning what sort of social interactions I really need to have and where I don't have to push myself. For the small circle that I do interact with, I'm better at communicating my needs and meeting in the middle instead of always trying to do things their way.

 

[Ken]

How many of you feel like you no longer have to actively research and ask about social skills and also don't run into problems in relation to them? How long did that take you and (if not already mentioned) how did you get to that point?

Good question!

I am a person that obsessively researches everything. So I have been studying this for a long time, but I'm still not comfortable with social situations at all. I have also been studying neurology. By profession, I am an electronics design engineer and I can see how neurology relates very closely to electronic circuity. I am now 73 years old and I am convinced (from all my research) that I simply do not have the neurology for social skills. Electronic devices can only do what they have circuitry for. I think I have no circuitry for social skills, otherwise I think I would have learned it by now. I now realize there is so much on the subject that I simply can't comprehend.

Therefore, I have made peace with my clueless social understanding and social anxiety. That means I no longer feel "defective" because of it. I know I'm just another version of human. Like; a motorcycle and a car are both vehicles, but different - for different purposes and capabilities.

I have learned to see a lot of situations coming and how to shield myself from it - preferably before I'm in the middle of it. It's a lot about timing. For example; If I'm out for a walk, my favorite time to walk is during the hottest part of the day because if it's really hot other people are not out. This works much better in June - August. If someone is out and I see them early enough I will start running. They will think I'm exercising and won't stop me for a chat. Someone stopping me for a chat is a nightmare. I never know what to say and I know I will look like an idiot. It's downright traumatizing.

Adding to my social anxiety is that I also suffer from pedophobia - fear of children. This has been a problem all my life. I was terrified of children even when I was a child. It was hell being a child and being expected and forced to play with other children. I still suffer the trauma of all those kids. Now I just try to avoid any situations where I would be around children. That is easier now that I'm older.

I just try to remind myself that life is full of issues no matter who you are. I just have different issues. My issues.

Sorry if none of this is any help. I could go on and on, but I don't think it would be of much benefit.