Do you recognize this type of behaviour?

[SophieX]

Hello everyone! I'm new to the forum, so very nice to meet you all! My name is Sophie and I'm 31, from Europe. I've suspected I have Aspergers ever since I learnt that this "thing" exists and has a name, which was about a year and a half ago. Currently, I'm awaiting an official diagnosis.

I thought I'd start this thread because I would like to ask for your opinion on something. To be honest, I feel somewhat ridiculous even asking this, but it's been weighing on my mind for some time and I don't know who else to ask, not knowing any Aspies in real life. (I don't think any of my non-Aspie friends would understand). My apologies in advance for the long post.

I've always had trouble with romantic relationships; I've never had a boyfriend (although I do have close male friends). It's not that guys do not show interest, but whenever someone approaches me, my first instinctive response is to take flight and try to shut the whole thing down immediately. I don't know why I do this.

I'm not sure if what I am trying to describe makes sense... For example, about two years ago, somebody (really smart and kind, by the way) in my circle of friends tried to tell me that he saw me as something more; I freaked out and said no immediately, without even thinking about it. Six months ago, a really attractive guy approached me when I was out with my friends and asked me, very politely, whether I wanted to join him for a little while. Again, I really wanted to say yes, but I freaked out and just declined, for no reason. (I regretted it the same second, by the way). The same thing has happened in the past, numerous times, these are just a few examples out of many.

I just wanted to stress that there's nothing wrong with the people who approach me, I'm not put off by them or anything. (That's why I stressed that the first guy was smart and kind, the second one, whom I didn't know, attractive and polite). It's an instinctive response. I guess I feel overwhelmed. Or otherwise, because I've been single all my life, the thought of changing that sort of scares me. In general, I feel overwhelmed quite easily, even by mundane, everyday things: my job, housework (which I find very difficult), keeping in touch with my friends (which I sometimes find even more difficult)... I guess the idea of fitting a relationship into all that or changing my current routine/way of life might be making me anxious, at a subconscious level.

I also have an idea in my head of how relationships are "supposed to work", if that makes sense. For example, when the second guy I described above approached me, I remember myself thinking very quickly along the lines of "oh, but if I join him it means that we'll have to exchange numbers and then see him again and then we'll become a couple and then I'll have to spend all my free time with him and then...". I immediately created, in some way, a "chain of events" in my head which freaked me out, instead of taking it easy and just seeing what might have happened.

Another explanation I have thought of is that I absolutely hate drama and there was some at home when I was growing up, between my parents. I am not sure whether it was any more than what goes on normally between a couple (I suspect no, from what friends have told me). But in any case, every time my parents argued, I would become very overwhelmed and feel terrible, for days, even when it had nothing to do with me. (My younger sister was not similarly affected). I live on my own now and although I do feel lonely sometimes, I love the silence and not having to deal with people arguing etc. Perhaps I might have equated, to some extent, being in a relationship to having to deal with drama. Or I might be fearing that a boyfriend will disturb my peace or something.

I'm not sure why I posted this, but I think it's because I feel so ridiculous when thinking about it and I guess I would like to know if anyone in the community reconizes this sort of behaviour. Do you think it might be linked to Aspergers? Have you ever gone through or observed anything like this yourself? Or might it be something else entirely?

I would very much appreciate any insight/ideas. Thank you all!

(English is a foreign lanuage to me, so if I am not clear or anything doesn't make sense, please just let me know and I will try to clarify).

Edited, to make point clearer.

 

[Tom]

Many if not most people start the relationship experimenting in teens. So you behind the curve. Be smart, be safe, but if you want to try it, forget the intellectualizing and jump in. Hopefully you'll find the waters just fine.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums, I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process

 

[Streetwise]

Hello everyone! I'm new to the forum, so very nice to meet you all! My name is Sophie and I'm 31, from Europe. I've suspected I have Aspergers ever since I learnt that this "thing" exists and has a name, which was about a year and a half ago. Currently, I'm awaiting an official diagnosis.

I thought I'd start this thread because I would like to ask for your opinion on something. To be honest, I feel somewhat ridiculous even asking this, but it's been weighing on my mind for some time and I don't know who else to ask, not knowing any Aspies in real life. (I don't think any of my non-Aspie friends would understand). My apologies in advance for the long post.

I've always had trouble with romantic relationships; I've never had a boyfriend (although I do have close male friends). It's not that guys do not show interest, but whenever someone approaches me, my first instinctive response is to take flight and try to shut the whole thing down immediately. I don't know why I do this.

I'm not sure if what I am trying to describe makes sense... For example, about two years ago, somebody (really smart and kind, by the way) in my circle of friends tried to tell me that he saw me as something more; I freaked out and said no immediately, without even thinking about it. Six months ago, a really attractive guy approached me when I was out with my friends and asked me, very politely, whether I wanted to join him for a little while. Again, I really wanted to say yes, but I freaked out and just declined, for no reason. (I regretted it the same second, by the way). The same thing has happened in the past, numerous times, these are just a few examples out of many.

I just wanted to stress that there's nothing wrong with the people who approach me, I'm not put off by them or anything. (That's why I stressed that the first guy was smart and kind, the second one, whom I didn't know, attractive and polite). It's an instinctive response. I guess I feel overwhelmed. Or otherwise, because I've been single all my life, the thought of changing that sort of scares me. In general, I feel overwhelmed quite easily, even by mundane, everyday things: my job, housework (which I find very difficult), keeping in touch with my friends (which I sometimes find even more difficult)... I guess the idea of fitting a relationship into all that or changing my current routine/way of life might be making me anxious, at a subconscious level.

I also have an idea in my head of how relationships are "supposed to work", if that makes sense. For example, when the second guy I described above approached me, I remember myself thinking very quickly along the lines of "oh, but if I join him it means that we'll have to exchange numbers and then see him again and then we'll become a couple and then I'll have to spend all my free time with him and then...". I immediately created, in some way, a "chain of events" in my head which freaked me out, instead of taking it easy and just seeing what might have happened.

Another explanation I have thought of is that I absolutely hate drama and there was some at home when I was growing up, between my parents. I am not sure whether it was any more than what goes on normally between a couple (I suspect no, from what friends have told me). But in any case, every time my parents argued, I would become very overwhelmed and feel terrible, for days, even when it had nothing to do with me. (My younger sister was not similarly affected). I live on my own now and although I do feel lonely sometimes, I love the silence and not having to deal with people arguing etc. Perhaps I might have equated, to some extent, being in a relationship to having to deal with drama. Or I might be fearing that a boyfriend will disturb my peace or something.

I'm not sure why I posted this, but I think it's because I feel so ridiculous when thinking about it and I guess I would like to know if anyone in the community reconizes this sort of behaviour. Do you think it might be linked to Aspergers? Have you ever gone through or observed anything like this yourself? Or might it be something else entirely?

Ultimately, I think I am asking because this has become a pattern in my life and I want to break free of it. It's just that I don't want to have regrets: saying "no" is OK when you mean it (nothing wrong with being single), but not if you actually wanted to say "yes" but were too scared or overwhelmed at the moment. I have lived quite happily so far, but I now think that I would like to try the "relationship" part too, if I can.

I would very much appreciate any insight/ideas. Thank you all!

(English is a foreign lanuage to me, so if I am not clear or anything doesn't make sense, please just let me know and I will try to clarify).

I personally like the Christian way of doing it which is becoming friends so you know the person before your relationship becomes very intimate , i've never had that type of relationship .

 

[SophieX]

Thank you all, I very much appreciate your responses, and nice to e-meet you! Of course I might be overthinking this (as always), but do you think that this "take flight now" thing could be related to Aspergers? I think I might resolve it more easily if I understood where it came from.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Hi and Welcome, I'm also from Europe.
26 Always been single.

I think you have a more successful life than me since you have a job.

whenever someone approaches me, my first instinctive response is to take flight and try to shut the whole thing down immediately.

Last time I tried with a Girl I saw her a couple of times and when she tried to kiss me I ran away, litteraly.

I immediately created, in some way, a "chain of events" in my head which freaked me out, instead of taking it easy and just seeing what might have happened.

Same, when I was trying to get involved in relationship, but in everything I do in life in general and it destroy many time my interest to do anything.

Another explanation I have thought of is that I absolutely hate drama and there was some at home when I was growing up, between my parents. I am not sure whether it was any more than what goes on normally between a couple (I suspect no, from what friends have told me). But in any case, every time my parents argued, I would become very overwhelmed and feel terrible, for days, even when it had nothing to do with me

Same again, but I still live with my parents, but it was also between my parents and my half brother.
And they still argue now (my brother left), I see life in a couple as something troublesome I guess.

But the main difference with you is that I have given up getting involved in any form of romantic relationship.

If you want to try, maybe...try to create another reflex, instead of "no", use something else like " I need some time to think" or something like that? Prepare that in your head.
It may seperate guys who want one night stand from other who want to invest more time?

And you dont have to force yourself anyway...

Can you think why you refused ? If you have valid argument in your mind, like his attitude or how he lives some more rationnal things you dont have to force yourself because you need to check the "relationship" box.

I have no experience about that so my advise isnt realy valuable.


Generally I noticed I am way less physical than my peers, and in the dating "world" , everything should go a bit faster , I think? So If I feel that things go to quickly it just blocks me.
And when I get attached to someone its already too late because I have not shown any sign of interest before and I am classified as a friend.

I already saw people "dating" or getting together in club , to me they litteraly looks like weird animal, I dont think I can do that.

 

[Cactus]

You're right, things will change when you enter a relationship, sometimes not to your liking. I'm guessing you really dislike change, and you have a tendency to overthink things. It also seems like your lack of experience is preventing you from taking that first step. Up until I was 25, I was terrified of women. I longed for a girlfriend, but I was too scared to even approach a woman. At 25 I met a toxic woman that used me. My big mistake was not reading intentions, and being so excited to be with a woman. I learned at 53 to be completely honest. I was lonely, but I knew what things I wouldn't compromise on. It was a successful strategy, because I met a woman and got married for the second time. I did it right this time. Know yourself, know what you want in a partner, and don't compromise, because you'll probably live to regret it. Good luck, and welcome.

 

[SophieX]

Thank you so much, Iamnotarabot, I feel I can relate to much of what you write. It's good to know that I am not the only one!

I can indeed think of a rational explanation for 1-2 times that I rejected someone, but not for the rest of them. In most cases it's just instinct, I feel the need to immediately "run away" as you write. What bothers me is that it also happens with people I would otherwise be interested in getting to know, it's just that I get very overwhelmed when anyone first shows interest.

"Generally I noticed I am way less physical than my peers, and in the dating "world" , everything should go a bit faster , I think? So If I feel that things go to quickly it just blocks me".

I can very much relate to this too.

The "I need a bit more time" thing is good advice, I think!

 

[SophieX]

You're right, things will change when you enter a relationship, sometimes not to your liking. I'm guessing you really dislike change, and you have a tendency to overthink things. It also seems like your lack of experience is preventing you from taking that first step. Up until I was 25, I was terrified of women. I longed for a girlfriend, but I was too scared to even approach a woman. At 25 I met a toxic woman that used me. My big mistake was not reading intentions, and being so excited to be with a woman. I learned at 53 to be completely honest. I was lonely, but I knew what things I wouldn't compromise on. It was a successful strategy, because I met a woman and got married for the second time. I did it right this time. Know yourself, know what you want in a partner, and don't compromise, because you'll probably live to regret it. Good luck, and welcome.

Many thanks for this! It is true that I overthink things, in many aspects of my life. As for "change", I have a strange relationship with it: on the one hand I get bored easily, on the other hand it takes me ages to decide to change something. Usually I do manage it, but after only a long time and much frustration! Once I've done it, I'm glad and think "why didn't I do this sooner?"

Thank you very much for your insight and advice.

 

[Sherlock77]

I'm 46 and only last year had my first true female relationship, and I'm still not sure we are dating, it's a long story!

Talking with a friend of mine, he thinks that lots of women have hit on me but I had no clue about it because I have trouble reading people and their actions...

 

[SophieX]

Good luck Sherlcock77, I hope she's nice and it works out for you!

I do have some trouble reading people too, I can relate to that. People have to tell me they are interested, usually, or make it very, very clear.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I don't date and i don't want to. The thought terrifies me.

 

[SusanLR]

I have dated, but, it always ended badly.
First of all, even if I felt an attraction to someone I would never let it show or make the first move so
we remained friends for a very long time.

Secondly, I hate change. I wanted to go out and have fun with these guys, but, I never wanted more.
No marriages or living together. I was content just to have them as boyfriends to do things with so I wouldn't have to go alone. Like dinners, movies, theme parks, games and such.
I've had several want marriage to which I had to say no. I didn't want to change my life.
I guess all I really wanted was to have a fun partner like a friend, but, there was some kind of romantic
feeling with a few of them that went beyond friendship.

Third, I found out I didn't care for sex. Gave it a try and it was disasterous. Just didn't want it.
So I consider myself romantic asexual.

Fourth, I felt it would one day end as I saw other couples fight and talk to each other like they couldn't stand one and another so I thought "what do people get out of this?"
So those are all my reasons for not wanting any ties that bind type of relationships.
Maybe you are instinctually feeling some of these things as soon as you are shown interest.

 

[Moomin]

I’m not the best with this because I’ve only ever had one relationship, and that ended in being abusive. However, I do have to take some blame with that because I should have walked and not put up with it. But I honestly had no idea what to expect, if this was what real relationships are like....

I’ve had a few dates, and I’ve been hit on /shown interest/flirted with but honestly, I’m so freaked out by it at the time that I either retreat, get extremely shy or it’s not obvious to me so I don’t do anything. I had a classmate once tell me that “I liked you in school and you didn’t realize.” To which I responded with I didn’t know, it wasn’t obvious to me.

Of course, I also have expectations. I’m not expecting the “sweeping off the feet “ or other types of high demands. I’m not sure what it really is..but it’s the same (for me) with friendships.

I’d like a good relationship. I’d also like to have a good friend too. It does worry me that if I do this, that it will have a change in my life and I’m not sure if that’s something I can handle the demands from that again...


I’d also would have to have it less subtle and decked out in lights or something to let me know.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

our comfort zone or our life goals. we all must choose.

and welcome..

 

[tducey]

36, always been single. Attracted to girls, have had plenty of female friends. Had crushes but never anything romantic for me. I would like to experience a relationship but if not no big deal.

Oh and welcome to the forums, this is a great site for discussing all things Autism.

 

[Ylva]

Hi, person I'm almost as old as. Welcome to the forum!

I've never had a real romantic relationship either. I used to be so accustomed to thinking something was wrong with me that I just ascribed it to whatever was wrong with me, but in the past few years I have come to realize that what I am is aromantic, and it has nothing to do with my neurotype.

It means I lack romantic attraction. I also don't fall in love, but I don't know if that's connected, or if it's actually the same thing. Sorry if I sound a bit confused; I'm here trying to explain something I have never experienced. What I wanted to say was: It's perfectly okay. There are plenty of us. You don't have to be into anything you're not into.

 

[Onna]

Hello everyone! I'm new to the forum, so very nice to meet you all! My name is Sophie and I'm 31, from Europe. I've suspected I have Aspergers ever since I learnt that this "thing" exists and has a name, which was about a year and a half ago. Currently, I'm awaiting an official diagnosis.

I thought I'd start this thread because I would like to ask for your opinion on something. To be honest, I feel somewhat ridiculous even asking this, but it's been weighing on my mind for some time and I don't know who else to ask, not knowing any Aspies in real life. (I don't think any of my non-Aspie friends would understand). My apologies in advance for the long post.

I've always had trouble with romantic relationships; I've never had a boyfriend (although I do have close male friends). It's not that guys do not show interest, but whenever someone approaches me, my first instinctive response is to take flight and try to shut the whole thing down immediately. I don't know why I do this.

I'm not sure if what I am trying to describe makes sense... For example, about two years ago, somebody (really smart and kind, by the way) in my circle of friends tried to tell me that he saw me as something more; I freaked out and said no immediately, without even thinking about it. Six months ago, a really attractive guy approached me when I was out with my friends and asked me, very politely, whether I wanted to join him for a little while. Again, I really wanted to say yes, but I freaked out and just declined, for no reason. (I regretted it the same second, by the way). The same thing has happened in the past, numerous times, these are just a few examples out of many.

I just wanted to stress that there's nothing wrong with the people who approach me, I'm not put off by them or anything. (That's why I stressed that the first guy was smart and kind, the second one, whom I didn't know, attractive and polite). It's an instinctive response. I guess I feel overwhelmed. Or otherwise, because I've been single all my life, the thought of changing that sort of scares me. In general, I feel overwhelmed quite easily, even by mundane, everyday things: my job, housework (which I find very difficult), keeping in touch with my friends (which I sometimes find even more difficult)... I guess the idea of fitting a relationship into all that or changing my current routine/way of life might be making me anxious, at a subconscious level.

I also have an idea in my head of how relationships are "supposed to work", if that makes sense. For example, when the second guy I described above approached me, I remember myself thinking very quickly along the lines of "oh, but if I join him it means that we'll have to exchange numbers and then see him again and then we'll become a couple and then I'll have to spend all my free time with him and then...". I immediately created, in some way, a "chain of events" in my head which freaked me out, instead of taking it easy and just seeing what might have happened.

Another explanation I have thought of is that I absolutely hate drama and there was some at home when I was growing up, between my parents. I am not sure whether it was any more than what goes on normally between a couple (I suspect no, from what friends have told me). But in any case, every time my parents argued, I would become very overwhelmed and feel terrible, for days, even when it had nothing to do with me. (My younger sister was not similarly affected). I live on my own now and although I do feel lonely sometimes, I love the silence and not having to deal with people arguing etc. Perhaps I might have equated, to some extent, being in a relationship to having to deal with drama. Or I might be fearing that a boyfriend will disturb my peace or something.

I'm not sure why I posted this, but I think it's because I feel so ridiculous when thinking about it and I guess I would like to know if anyone in the community reconizes this sort of behaviour. Do you think it might be linked to Aspergers? Have you ever gone through or observed anything like this yourself? Or might it be something else entirely?

I would very much appreciate any insight/ideas. Thank you all!

(English is a foreign lanuage to me, so if I am not clear or anything doesn't make sense, please just let me know and I will try to clarify).

Edited, to make point clearer.

Hi Sophie, I’m 31 too, from the UK.
I was diagnosed Aspergers around 4 months ago.
I have a very similar experience to what you describe, but with me, it’s not romantic relationships that I cut out of my life... it’s friendships. Everything you described sounds identical to why I don’t pursue friendships. First of all I don’t feel I have the skills required to make friends, and if anyone does ever suggest meeting up, everything in me says ‘no’. Sometimes I’ll feel obliged, and will meet for coffee, which feels uncomfortable. But after that I end up putting off meeting for a second time to build the friendship, usually by making excuses or cancelling etc. I feel if I take on a friendship then there is a commitment involved that I don’t particularly want to be involved with. The pressure of having to be a ‘good friend’ feels like too much! There’s not a single person in my life that I would consider a ‘friend’ I’m mostly ok with this, because I spend time with my family the most. But occasionally I feel I miss out.
If you do ever feel you’d like to have a relationship in the future, it literally is just a matter of wanting it enough, being brave, being honest, finding the right person who’ll understand, and then putting in that effort required to maintain the relationship!

 

[Bedlamite]

I've always had trouble with romantic relationships; I've never had a boyfriend

Greetings and welcome to the forum Sophie. Globally, most ethnic cultures have deep-rooted instinctive natures to have a relationship with a member of the opposite gender. It is "built into" our DNA. However, it is there solely for the purpose of advancing our species. You can find the same "instincts" in the animal and plant world. If your Aspie traits have "turned off" this instinct in you, there is nothing wrong with this. But you will have to explore this trait yourself and on your own - but never feel inferior because your social culture tries to pressure you into something you don't feel comfortable with.

 

[Bolletje]

I recognize the immediate flight response and automatically declining. But if I find I regret that response, I generally just go over to said person (if they’re still in my vicinity) and tell them I’m not sure why I said no because I actually like the idea.
That being said, I have had my fair share of romantic relationships and fitting someone else into your life can be stressful as hell even if you love them. I’ve lived with my current boyfriend for over five years and although I love him I often find myself walking into stray household objects or wayward items and furiously wishing I could either live on my own or make him do everything my way. But I digress.