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Featured Do you know if a fear of praise is a typically ND thing?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Tuikku, May 18, 2020.

  1. Tuikku

    Tuikku Active Member

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    So I have these vivid memories of asking my mom not to congratulate me since I was a little kid. Now with me being on the spectrum being a very real thing, I'm trying to make sense of such behaviors.
    Have any of you had similar experiences growing up?
     
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  2. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I had to learn to accept compliments, it's a social thing, I just say ' oh what a nice thing to say' or ' ooh compliments' or something like that. Refusal of compliments can be seen as rude or ungracious. Some of them are flattery, but that's part of the show.
     
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  3. Ezra

    Ezra Relax, it's just chaos.

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    I do not mind getting complimented.
     
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  4. theporgsnest

    theporgsnest Active Member

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    I think this is really interesting because there are also cultural implications. I don't like it mainly because of my own issues and not knowing how to respond, but usually thanking them suffices (I'm from the UK and while this isn't a 'bad' thing, how you respond e.g tonally is quite a big thing, lest you come off like an arrogant idiot, which nobody likes here). However sometimes people have told me they see it as a hallmark of modesty?
     
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  5. WoodWorkingJoel

    WoodWorkingJoel Active Member

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    I struggled with the response to it until recently where I learned to just say, that's very kind of you.
    Up to that I would always say something daft or inappropriate but even in those times id love to be complemented when it was real and not some fake NT small talk.
     
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  6. Giraffes

    Giraffes Active Member

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    Being able to accept compliments is prehaps to a degree attached to self belief, i try now to say 'Ah thanks' and not 'over think' what may, or may not be what motivated the comment.
     
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't think autistic people have a trait specifically fearing compliments. But they do have a general trait of having difficulties in social interactions. I could easily see compliments as a form of social interaction being a common stumbling block, and think I have heard it mentioned quite a few times. Though perhaps the reasons for disliking it might vary from person to person.
     
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  8. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I believe it's definitely an ND thing. It's all grouped in together - thank you's, compliments, gifts or being sung to. It's very uncomfortable being on the receiving end and don't know how to respond correctly. We'd prefer to stay hidden and these are things that acknowledge us. Well, that's what it is for me. Though I've learned to just smile and say thank you, at 62 I'm still as uncomfortable with these things as I have been my entire life. It's like "Please, don't acknowledge me and let me remain here in the background".

    One Christmas at our family Christmas thing, my son gave me a gift wrapped with twine all around it. With all eyes on me, it took me forever to untie all the knots and open that present. I laughed along with everyone else, but in the back of my mind I was muttering all kinds of bad stuff. lol.

    One Mothers Day my other son and his best friend sang a song to me as a gift. The entire time in my head, I'm thinking "I'm supposed to get emotional I'm sure that's what they expect and how am I supposed to show my gratitude in a way they expect and what is it they expect...…..".
     
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  9. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    I have always felt uncomfortable when receiving a compliment or praise. Whatever I was being praised for usually didn't feel like a big deal, so I didn't see a need for it. However, I do not want to be rude, so I always give a appropriate response.
     
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  10. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Yes, receiving compliments is just awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable. Just like other social 'niceties' it has some function, helps people to bond or something... it's an ememe, a little feelgood message. Or, at least, is supposed to be.
     
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  11. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    I have a tendency to not believe compliments.

    I believe part of it is due to the fact that I don't seem to be good at internalizing anything said by others - like I have to think it through on my own before I'll believe it. I often wonder if this is related to a lack of social skills that is typical of my atypicalness.

    Part may also be due to the fact that I recognized at a very young age that I was an attention-seeker and a bit of an egotist, and I take measures to keep that in check. Often, that means I brush off and minimalize compliments.

    A final part may be something that is common to everyone - the things I know how to do don't impress me, because I know how to do them. I impressed someone last week with some off-the-cuff math using tricks and shortcuts that I am fluent with. Because they just saw the problem and me coming up with an instant solution, they were impressed. Because I know it breaks down to simple steps and certain shortcuts, I was not impressed. It's like how finding out how magic tricks work is always a disappointment. Now, I am very impressed with things that I don't know how to do - art, music, anything involving coordination, etc.
     
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  12. Jumpback

    Jumpback Active Member

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    Related to what you said at the end, if I can manage to have a clean and organized place and have others come over and compliment me on it, it would mean a lot to me. I have tried very hard before and thought I did a good job being neat and others still found ways to criticize me for messiness, like there is still something out of place, or something like “you have finally changed your ways, so now you should always be neat and organized”. Like I need positive reinforcement to keep trying my best, people still criticizing after I tried hard makes me want to give up and not try again.

    But people being overly impressed about something I just know for fun, almost makes me want to argue against praise and tell people that it isn’t that hard
     
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  13. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have hard time accepting compliments actually. Mostly because I see the many things I can still improve and so the compliment feels unwarranted. Besides, I hate the feeling of disappointment after people build high expectations of me. That's just one of many things to work on I suppose.
     
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  14. Jeremiah

    Jeremiah Chaotic Neutral

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    I have difficulty with compliments, too. Especially if they are about my appearance.
    Compliments somehow feel mocking to me.
     
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  15. Doliba

    Doliba New Member

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    Specifically in ASD, the fear of praise seems to come from both not knowing how to respond to a compliment, and not feeling like you deserve it or worked hard enough to deserve a compliment. If you don't feel like you deserve to be complimented, then it's likely you're going to think the person who gave you the compliment has some deeper motive.

    I guess I can say I feel really lucky because I am comfortable with that, and I even give compliments that others might see as 'unwarranted' sometimes. I guess I just want to let you know that I appreciate these things about you, even if you don't. Because I'm not really expecting anything from you there's no wrong way to act. The only time there's a 'wrong way' to take a compliment if someone actually expects something from you or is trying to use you, in which case they want you to do something for them.
     
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  16. Wolfgangus Faldestolius

    Wolfgangus Faldestolius Little notes from an armchair

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    1 - being put on the spot is intense, even when the intention and the means are fair. This we can learn to get used to. However we sometimes need to assert that while we are pleased with our own performance we are conscious that we have put a lot of effort into achieving something ordinary. This can easily verge on the condescending and manipulatory as no. 3.

    2 - a stupid tone of voice gets put on which triggers our central nervous system wrong. People need training out of this.

    3 - it can be a condescending way of attempting to manipulate us. This can spill over into 2. People need training out of this one as well.

    A hazard around no 1 is that some people like my mum misread my emotional state as lack of confidence. I did indeed experience lack of confidence but not nearly as often as she made out. She wasn't easy to negotiate with when I was going through one of my inarticulate phases (like lots of young people do anyway).

    I've very often been pleased to not be over-ambitious. By chance, it wasn't difficult for me to get work though. If one isn't missing imaginative chances, it can be rather sensible not to over-promise. Sometimes but not always, I intuited that some things in life could wait till I had more idea. For example, the craggier my dazzling looks turn, the more eligible I'm becoming to leave bachelorhood behind. (I looked how I looked; everyone else seemed to simply accept theirs, so why should mine get put on a pedestal?)
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2020
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  17. FormerlyAutistic

    FormerlyAutistic Active Member

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    Many non-autistic people have the same problem. No one is born with this ability.

    It's probably more common among autistics due to their parents neglecting to teach it, having less social interactions compared to non-autistics, and a low self esteem.
     
  18. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    I HATE being complimented. It is a combination of what everyone else has said but we cant often put it into words... anxiety is probably a big cause.
     
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  19. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    But is it okay if I press the “like” button? :p
     
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  20. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh I get it... I thought this post was about Naturopathic Doctors. lol. I'll just take my silly brain and move on.
     
  21. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's disgusting. I remember I stopped drawing although I loved it because my mother always invaded my personal space to screech her praises at the top of her lungs.
     
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