1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Do you feel that you are actually quite selfish?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    458
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +410
    I’m not quite sure myself.. but I have been thinking of the things that I do (I am an over thinker) and it occured to me that I am quite selfish at times.

    I love travelling and go away places quite often.

    Tomorrow i’m off to Windsor.. I nagged my mother, who eventually agreed to go...bought the tickets.

    But now I feel quite guilty. My mum is fine going down to Windsor but it’s an awfully long journey all for my own wants and interests.

    Mum isn’t totally interested in going and is just going because I paid etc.

    I’m not sure if this is inherently selfish. But I do, nag people to go places quite often to suite my own needs.

    I think maybe it’s unfair taking my mum three hours, with a change in London just to satisfy my own interests.

    I might just not go now and stay at home. I would rather sit here and let my mum do her own thing in peace than feel the guilt of having her go somewhere where she is not desperately keen on going. It’s overkill.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,824
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,728
    I'm the opposite, especially with going places! I always make sure it's what they want to do and would never do something that only I wanted to do. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at all.

    You can practice being selfless, if you want! Selflessness leads to happiness, which makes it a selfish endeavor...? How confusing! :eek:
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,319
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +8,767
    No, I don’t think so.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  4. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,683
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +12,044
    Not that I'm aware of. If I become aware of it, I'll try to do something about it.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  5. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    170
    Joined:
    May 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +566
    I think the fact that you're aware of it stops you being truly selfish.

    I can definitely be very selfish. Whenever I am anxious, I become very insular and self-preserving to a point where I can disregard what others want and need. For example, I'll insist on all the windows being closed in a room because I can't stand the outside noise, even if it makes it unbearably hot in the room and others have to leave. I'm aware of how I can be this way and how it's not right, but I haven't yet found a way to be able to compromise when I'm anxious. At least not without acting angry and resentful.

    I hope you do decide to go to Windsor, since you've booked and everything now. Perhaps just keep in mind that your mum has come with you on this trip, so the next time there's somewhere she wants to go, you could perhaps go with her. Or perhaps just next weekend let her have a relaxing one, and offer to make her a cup of tea or something :D
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 1
  6. grimmy

    grimmy The lights are on but no one's home..

    Messages:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +145
    I was completely selfish till I had kids, then they took everything lol
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  7. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,737
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2011
    Karma:
    +6,843
    No, I am a husband,a parent, a grandparent and a great grandparent. Not much time to be selfish.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. grimmy

    grimmy The lights are on but no one's home..

    Messages:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +145
    Hell fella you been busy
     
  9. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,319
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +8,767
    And here I am with my cats.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  10. grimmy

    grimmy The lights are on but no one's home..

    Messages:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +145
    You dodged a bullet
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

    Messages:
    1,517
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,880
    Lol. I don’t know if I’m selfish, but I have questioned umpteen times if I am or not. Think I’ve become rather avoidant and that’s different from being selfish. Hmmm
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  12. grimmy

    grimmy The lights are on but no one's home..

    Messages:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +145
    I have always been pretty avoidant, but I think that was because I feared making myself look stupid or out of my depth.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  13. Solphire

    Solphire Learning to drop the mask

    Messages:
    39
    Joined:
    May 22, 2019
    Karma:
    +63
    Before my diagnosis, I had been working under the belief my whole life that I am really just a terrible and selfish person.

    But I do not want to be a terrible, selfish person, because in my heart I am very loving. So I work against it. I have two places I volunteer at, and I strive to be selfless with my actions to and sacrifices for my family and others. I try(tried) hard to mask my selfishness.

    But my "selfishness" is still and will always be a default setting on my harddrive. To many parts of me demand things to be a certain way. Specifically when it comes to accommodating my sensory needs, the potency of my emotions, my coping skills for social interactions, and my rigid, concrete thinking, obsessions, and routines.

    I am in a new phase of my life now. Only a few weeks in, as a matter of fact... to let go of the mask I use in part to negate this. I do care about others. However, I also need to care for myself and stop loathing myself for how my brain works.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  14. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,333
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,793
    I have enough resources to be able to have things the way I want, within limits but adequately. So I ll say no, I m not selfish, I honour my own needs.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  15. tlc

    tlc The Mackinac Bridge and U.P. is my happy place.

    Messages:
    1,502
    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2014
    Karma:
    +1,432
    I often do but don't know if I should. For example I feel selfish for wanting my own house, even though I worked so hard to get it and work hard to maintain it and pay for it, because of all the people out there who can't get one. I feel selfish for wanting to work on my own things, because of all the people who don't have the skill or money to do those things. And I feel selfish for wanting time to myself, because other people want my time. It would be so much easier to just move to the other side of the country, and I totally understand why some people do just that. But I like it here and it's where my career is 20 years and counting.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,352
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,590
    At a certain level everyone is innately selfish, and being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing.

    I generally prioritise my own needs, and in some ways doing so can disadvantage others. For example I only donate 5% of my income to charity, when I can afford to donate a lot more, I just choose to save that money instead, or spend it on frivolous activities. That money could be saving lives but I'd rather go out for dinner with my friends, that's selfish. I have a limited tolerance for socialising, and I have in the past made someone I gave a lift to leave a gathering early because I was desperate to leave, when they wanted to stay, that's selfish. On the other hand that person wouldn't have been able to attend at all if I hadn't offered to go and give them a lift, even though I didn't particularly want to, because they don't drive, so that isn't selfish. Most of the time my selfishness doesn't particularly impact other people though, I make an effort to not inconvenience others, and I'm very independent.

    Anyway, my point is that everyone is selfish, NT and ND. it's just a matter how much that selfishness negatively impacts others. The only reasons I can see why autistic people may be more inclined to allow their selfishness to impact others is because a) on average they may be more dependant on others than NTs, and B) lack of social ability/theory of mind may make them less likely to realise how much they are inconveniencing others.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  17. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,255
    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2014
    Karma:
    +7,027
    I do not feel that I am too selfish, other than what is normal for imperfect human beings.

    Never one to satisfy my own wants, for the sake of others and in fact, I am the one who has tended to be dragged to places I do not wish to go to, because of wanting to please that person.

    As a child, I pretended to like a male singer for "mother's" sake. I felt sorry for her, for some reason and wanted to ease that feeling and thus, was dragged off to places because of her obsession ( no, not an aspie) and also witnessed a lot of embarrassing situations. One time, I was in interviewed about this singer and could not believe it, when that was put on tv and talk about cringe factor. I was asked what I liked about the singer and just said: something like, not sure; perhaps all of him and that was only because I felt panicked when really what I wanted to say was: I hate the flipping man and only got myself in this sitution because of stupidly feeling sorry for mother!

    It was difficult for child me, to pretend to like someone I did not and I cannot even say his name here!

    If you recognise selfish traits, that is great and you can work on becoming less so.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  18. grimmy

    grimmy The lights are on but no one's home..

    Messages:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2019
    Karma:
    +145
    I couldn't be that way, I find people pleasing a real chore burns me out no end. I much rather say "no piss off" to everything and get on about my business, don't you find it exhausting ?
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    478
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,118
    I'm the same. I don't understand 'people pleasing' other than it's the person's desire to be liked by others which has never been something I've given credence to.

    I'm not a selfish person. I always help others out if I can, I'm very generous and often take on too much (this is work in progress with a view to cutting down on), I don't benefit to the detriment of others and don't rank my needs as being higher than another person's; however I don't put any emphasis what other people think of me. If I'm liked, I'm liked; if not, whatever :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  20. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,037
    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2017
    Karma:
    +11,997
    Ten pounds please.


    (Some readers are saying ten pounds of what)

    Gold.

    Or fish.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1