Do you ever get told you don't ask enough questions?

[theporgsnest]

Or perhaps this should be more accurately phrased as 'do you ever get told you don't ask the right questions'

I do, and feel like this is a daily occurrence in my home. It will either be in a group conversation (on zoom or other platforms right now obviously, but previously too) and be told afterwards something along the lines of "why didn't you ask them 'x' when they said 'y'. Or asking how the person I'd met up with for coffee is and 'how is their job' and then I don't have the answer because I didn't ask that one, nor its subsequent leading questions. And it's not that I didn't ask any questions - I wouldn't have had a conversation at all if that had been the case - but I'm guessing that I went 'off script' i.e. I dropped my mask

A while ago when I was having occupational therapy, my therapist used a mnemonic/acronym to help me with said script: FORCED: Family/Friends, Occupation, Recreation, Current events, Environment, Dreams (the idea behind the acronym being that eventually conversations won't feel 'forced' if I regularly use this pattern.) It does help somewhat but only really in highly mask-dependent situations and the subsequent questions that follow still make me draw mental blanks quite a lot.

I mean I'm guessing this is definitely an autism thing because the handy handbook I was given by said therapist is mostly dedicated asking the right questions in any given social setting.

 

[Alexej]

I am aware that I do not ask as many questions as my wife. She is always asking why did this happen, why did this person do this? She then takes that info down another level and analyses what that means etc etc. I know I tend to take things at face value most of the time and not ask why - in this way.

 

[unperson]

YES, many times, and you don't ask 'insightive' enough questions. It's a failure to presume lying I think.

I never got told this till later in life, cos my family liked me unquestioning, since they planned to institutionalise me (didn't happen, medical system changed), so they liked me as dumb as possible.

Poor situational awareness (common in autism) can be helped by asking the right questions, but it's not that simple, cos you not only have to do that, but also ask exactly the right person and at the right time.

The FORCED mnemonic has potential.

 

[SimonSays]

do you ever get told you don't ask the right questions'

I don't get told this, but there are times when there is a question I could ask which might reveal something I don't know and don't ask it.

 

[SimonSays]

ask the right questions'

To ask a right question isn't always easy because there is a difference between wanting to know something and needing to. There are times when I realise I want to know but don't really need to. I'm ok with the answer revealing itself, but also ok if it doesn't. I'm not sure if that explains it.

But there are moments when out of the blue a question arrives, and I know that if I ask it I will know something in a way that feels so right. And I enjoy writing it down, using the right words to ensure it is the 'rightest' version of the right question I can make it. I can sometimes ask a right question out loud, but it is much easier to write one.

 

[OkRad]

I get in trouble just by asking questions! People want certain questions, socially acceptable questions, the right questions. But I tend to ask what I really want to know and not beat around the bush. Yikes! I don't mean to do it and I always try to be nice but I really don't always have a way to dance around the jugular when just going straight for the jugular seems to be more time efficient and less taxing.

 

[Magna]

Absolutely. For many years I would ask my wife be the communicator on phone calls with other family members in regard to future planned events, etc. We both got tired of the following kinds of conversations:

Me: "My Mom called and said there's a family reunion this summer."
My Wife: "When?"
Me: "This summer."
My Wife: "I know, but on what date?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Are we supposed to bring anything?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Didn't you ask?"
Me: "No."
My Wife: "Why not?"
Me: "I don't know"

 

[SimonSays]

Absolutely. For many years I would ask my wife be the communicator on phone calls with other family members in regard to future planned events, etc. We both got tired of the following kinds of conversations:

Me: "My Mom called and said there's a family reunion this summer."
My Wife: "When?"
Me: "This summer."
My Wife: "I know, but on what date?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Are we supposed to bring anything?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Didn't you ask?"
Me: "No."
My Wife: "Why not?"
Me: "I don't know"

You see, to me, this makes perfect sense. It doesn't matter when or bring what at the time, all you need to know is that it IS. When and bring what will be discovered later. In the moment I'm being informed, I'm just acknowledging the intention, the idea. I don't know what the future actually holds, whether this thing will happen or not. So the need to also know the details isn't relevant to me, which is why the question your wife would probably ask isn't asked by you. It doesn't matter. I'll go or I won't go. I'll bring or I won't bring. It's all basically meaningless ideas of future possibilities.

 

[theporgsnest]

Absolutely. For many years I would ask my wife be the communicator on phone calls with other family members in regard to future planned events, etc. We both got tired of the following kinds of conversations:

Me: "My Mom called and said there's a family reunion this summer."
My Wife: "When?"
Me: "This summer."
My Wife: "I know, but on what date?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Are we supposed to bring anything?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She didn't say."
My Wife: "Didn't you ask?"
Me: "No."
My Wife: "Why not?"
Me: "I don't know"

This sounds like so many conversations I have also had, to be honest. And some of the time it's been brought to my attention that I needed 'x' piece of information but didn't in fact ask (or I forgot to, which also happens). But in other situations it's like...I didn't feel as if I needed to find out those things and what in my mind are the minutiae

 

[Penumbra]

Yes, I'm like this in every professional setting. I usually feel like I understand things that are directly communicated to me in plain English. I stop questioning once I've gathered all the information I've been provided with, but I guess I'm supposed to connect the dots further sometimes. I just don't know what I'm supposed to ask. If you want me to know more information, then just tell me.

Maybe this is why I overshare. I want to explain things to people in the way I like things explained to me. Just get it all out there.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

I've been told that before. I'ts also me, after a conversation or meeting is over, that asks myself why I didn't ask a particular question. It seems that I can never think of all the questions I should ask until after the opportunity to ask them is over.

 

[SimonSays]

I just don't know what I'm supposed to ask. If you want me to know more information, then just tell me.

Exactly

Maybe this is why I overshare. I want to explain things to people in the way I like things explained to me. Just get it all out there.

I see a pattern here. What I'm hearing confirms something to me. That unlike those who ask every question, our awareness is different. Our need to know is different. If the other person isn't telling me then on some level it can't matter. Maybe they didn't realise I would need to know or might benefit from it. Maybe my brain doesn't want any more than it actually needs. I find that NT people want to know too much. Carrying all this so-called knowledge. Like if they don't have it they're missing out, not complete. I'm much better with less. A lot less.

And yet, I also can overshare, thinking the more I reveal the better it is. This is not always true.

 

[SimonSays]

It seems that I can never think of all the questions I should ask until after the opportunity to ask them is over.

Yes. This happens a lot to me. Some of it could be stress, but it is also just allowing what is being revealed to me to be what I need too know. I'm listening, taking things in, not trying to figure out what else I need.

 

[theporgsnest]

Exactly


I see a pattern here. What I'm hearing confirms something to me. That unlike those who ask every question, our awareness is different. Our need to know is different. If the other person isn't telling me then on some level it can't matter. Maybe they didn't realise I would need to know or might benefit from it. Maybe my brain doesn't want any more than it actually needs. I find that NT people want to know too much. Carrying all this so-called knowledge. Like if they don't have it they're missing out, not complete. I'm much better with less. A lot less.

And yet, I also can overshare, thinking the more I reveal the better it is. This is not always true.

Exactly this (which I've bolded). This issue wouldn't be an issue at all had my NT family not made it giant issue. I love them to bits but we do end up falling out regularly because of frankly inconsequential things like this.

 

[theporgsnest]

Yes, I'm like this in every professional setting. I usually feel like I understand things that are directly communicated to me in plain English. I stop questioning once I've gathered all the information I've been provided with, but I guess I'm supposed to connect the dots further sometimes. I just don't know what I'm supposed to ask. If you want me to know more information, then just tell me.

Maybe this is why I overshare. I want to explain things to people in the way I like things explained to me. Just get it all out there.

Again, I feel like I could have written this, and I'm pleased it's not just me who struggles with this

 

[Kalinychta]

I ask tons of questions. I do it to avoid having to speak (I struggle with expressing myself verbally), which works out well because most people enjoy talking about themselves. But I mostly do it because I’m intensely curious about everything and love asking questions and listening to people talk (most of the time).

Beyond the list of criteria in the DSM, we all have different personalities. Some of us don’t see fit to ask many questions, some of us ask tons of them. We’re all different.

 

[Au Naturel]

Why should I care what questions someone else wanted me to ask? I didn't talk to the person for the other person's benefit.

Wife does that to me all the time. "Well? Did you ask them blah blah blah?"

"No."

"For a guy who's so smart, you don't have any curiosity at all. Don't you even care?"

"We were talking about repairing a water heater. Didn't even occur to me. Ask them yourself."

 

[Misery]

I've been told so in the past, but I tended to respond by being even more blunt than usual.

"Why dont you ask questions, and show interest in people?"

"Because I dont even remotely care, that's why"

And then typically I'd just turn my attention to the dog or something, ending that conversation, provided it even was a conversation.

I mean, really, I couldnt give less of a fart about any of that nonsense, why pretend otherwise? Seems like a total waste of everyone's time.

These days, nobody even slightly expects me to take even a slight interest, so nobody ever pesters me about it. The usual expectation is that I wont even interact with most of the people who are around in any given situation (an expectation always proven to be correct). It works out pretty darned well, I gotta say.

 

[Soleil]

If you want me to know more information, then just tell me.

This, so much. But relatedly, if someone doesn't tell me, I'll assume it's not something they want me to know. For example, my mom went on a date with someone. I don't know who, don't know where, and the only reason I know it was a date is because I overheard her talking to my sister about it. I didn't ask because I didn't want to pry.

But I also don't know what questions I'm allowed to ask. There's a line between making conversation and being creepy and invasive, and I don't know where that line is.

 

[Qoyote]

People always say be more confident so people take you seriously, but then when I do ask questions they're always the wrong ones. Like I'd say at least 2/3 of the time it's either something they told me already or something that makes way more sense to Google.

That's why the Internet's easier. If you realize you said the wrong thing five minutes later, no one checks their replies in five minutes anyway, so you can edit and no one will ever know. Heck, I edited this post twice already!