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Do others with autism have a low libido?

Primrose

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Since I've made friends with a guy I've realised I probably have a low libido. This guy is disappointed because I told him if we ever have a relationship I don't think I would want sex often. Maybe once a week or less. He said he would need sex multiple times a day. I told him this would be impossible for me. Even talking and thinking about it is stressful. I wanted to be honest with him. He doesn't think he would be happy with this and thinks no man would accept this.

Is there something wrong with me. Or maybe others with autism feel like this too.
 
Nothing is wrong with you!
I have zero libido actually. I don’t think it’s necessarily an autism thing either, it has always kind of been my biology.

I have experimented with vibrators etc but it’s still not that much fun for me.

You’re not the only one!

And it has been very hard for me too to find a guy who doesn’t want sex…
 
There is nothing wrong with you. There is no standard requirement for libido, frequency, etc. It's compatibility that's important.

I could see the desire for multiple times per day at the very beginning of a relationship typically with people who are 18-20s but even with that it almost always moderates.

For anyone man or woman who desires sex "multiple times per day" on an ongoing basis, that could indicate a sexual addiction. Also, absolutely false that "no man would accept this". That's manipulation for sure.

It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible or at least you two would have to compromise in a way that you both would be ok with. A compromise wouldn't be for you to align yourself with his desires completely nor would it be a compromise if he aligned himself completely with your level of desire.

I believe "honesty is the best policy" in a relationship.

Example: If two people were new in a relationship and they were having sex multiple times per day but one of them was finding the frequency overwhelming and undesirable, it would be best for both of them if that person was honest about it: "I think you're wonderful and I love being intimate with you and I love how we're in this period of discovery about each other. If I think about a future together I have to honest in saying that my desired level of intimacy long term wouldn't be multiple times per day. I don't want you to have the wrong impression and I don't want to mislead you."

or

Example: If two people were new in a relationship and they were having sex somewhat infrequently but one of them was not ok with the frequency level and desired intimacy more often, it would be best for both of them if that person was honest about it: "I think you're wonderful and I love being intimate with you and I love how we're in this period of discovery about each other. If I think about a future together I have to be honest in saying that my desired level of intimacy long term would be more often than how often we're intimate with each other now. I don't want you to have the wrong impression and I don't want to mislead you."

Best to work those things out at the beginning of a relationship.
 
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Primrose said:
He said he would need sex multiple times a day.
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No, there is nothing "wrong" with you. However there might be something "wrong" with him. It sounds like he may be hypersexual. You should probably ask him if he has ever sought treatment for, or been diagnosed with such a condition.

"Hypersexuality is also known as compulsive sexual behavior disorder, or more commonly, simply sex addiction. When a person has an obsessive fixation on sex, sexual acts, and sexual fantasies, they might be hypersexual. This fixation is typically so severe that it might disrupt a person's daily functioning."

I once had a girlfriend who preferred but didn't demand sex at least six to seven times a week...which was a lot from my own perspective and experiences.
 
^I second what Judge and Magna said, btw. I would be concerned about someone wanting sex that frequently, particularly when their partner has established that it isn’t wanted.
Sounds like hypersexuality to me too, and it is not true that (most) men wouldn’t find it acceptable to have sex at a lesser frequency. Although I do struggle to find a partner who doesn’t want sex *at all.*
 
In the long term of much of any relationship, such disparity over something like sex would appear as a "red flag" to me.
 
Frequency of sex boils down to how you feel. Some have it all the time, especially in the beginning, while others have it a lot less. It can change of course. I think deciding how you will feel beforehand is usually a good sign that something is off. If it wasn't, then you'd probably just let things take their natural course, and so would he. Sex is only meant to be a part. Friendship, connection, love, kindness, sharing, etc. Let these be in place first, and the sex will surely find its own rhythm.
 
Judge said:
In the long term of much of any relationship, such disparity over something like sex would appear as a "red flag" to me.
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He does have bipolar. I was concerned he might be in the manic phase now but he says he is very sexual all the time.
 
Primrose said:
He does have bipolar. I was concerned he might be in the manic phase now but he says he is very sexual all the time.
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Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like you need to seek an exit. Bipolar and apparently hypersexual...you may simply be over your head to continue pursuing such a relationship.

A case of fundamental incompatibility.
 
Judge said:
Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like you need to seek an exit. Bipolar and apparently hypersexual...you may simply be over your head to continue pursuing such a relationship.

A case of fundamental incompatibility.
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You are right. We seemed to have a good friendship for awhile but talking about sex has become so important to him now and I'm getting tired of that talk. I thought I could support him with his issues but maybe I can't.
 
Primrose said:
You are right. We seemed to have a good friendship for awhile but talking about sex has become so important to him now and I'm getting tired of that talk. I thought I could support him with his issues but maybe I can't.
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Sounds like you both need to look elsewhere for someone closer to your own wants and needs. No harm, no foul in ending such a relationship.
 
Judge said:
Sounds like you both need to look elsewhere for someone closer to your own wants and needs. No harm, no foul in ending such a relationship.
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Better to end it before it starts or at the beginning than engage in something for an extended period when either one or both people end up having serious issues with something that can't be mutually beneficial.
 
Thanks for the replies, yes I think now I will end things and maybe we both have a chance to find people we are more compatible with.
 
There are so many men that would be happy with once a week, but it doesn't happen because woman are not robots.
 
There is nothing wrong with you. Ageing and experiences also impacts libido. In the recent past both my spouse and I just had a loss of interest for over a year. I restarted our intimacy, first with just cuddling and going from there. While the frequency is certainly not like we were when younger, I think the enjoyment we have with each other provides a quality that more than compensates. I enjoy it because it is part of expressing my love for her and it makes her feel desired.
 
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No you're fine. Couples can easily have somewhat different preferences and you hopefully can find that happy medium. But you I think you have to be closer in speed to begin with so neither has to stretch too far and actually in an uncomfortable zone.

I haven't looked at the stats in a long time, but remember learning that the average for long standing couples was only a few times a month. I think it may be more frequent in the begining when you are young. Males hit there peak at 18 and females at around 38 btw (or so I've read), so there is a built in differential.

He sounds at the extreme end of the curve. It's BS that no man would accept less then multiple times a day.
 
Tom said:
Males hit there peak at 18 and females at around 38 btw (or so I've read), so there is a built in differential.
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Yes, I thought men hit their peak younger too. But he is over 50 and he still wants a lot of sex. I'm 37 and just couldn't cope with all that sex.
 
Primrose said:
Yes, I thought men hit their peak younger too. But he is over 50 and he still wants a lot of sex. I'm 37 and just couldn't cope with all that sex.
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You may or may not know the answer to this, but does he watch a lot of porn?
 
Magna said:
You may or may not know the answer to this, but does he watch a lot of porn?
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Actually yes, he talks about porn. He feels bad about watching it so often and he would like a real life girlfriend.
 
Primrose said:
Actually yes, he talks about porn. He feels bad about watching it so often and he would like a real life girlfriend.
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I thought so. Habitual porn watching can definitely be fuel that can contribute to a person's hyper-sexuality. That seems to be common sense to me.
 
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