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Do normal people really act like this?

Lundi

Well-Known Member
I am the guy who made a thread about being worried about being a virgin at age 30. Anyway, at age 26, I started attending meetups and social gatherings in my city to make friends, and perhaps if things went well, maybe find a girlfriend.

So during all of the meetups since then up to now, I have encountered some of the vilest, most superficial, judgemental people in my entire life. As I have stated in various other threads, I have been lambasted, berated, humiliated, etc. for being single/virgin at my age during meetups. However, there are some other things that I have noticed at these meetups.

There normal people, i.e. extroverted type of people who seem to lack any mental disorders and anxiety, seem to me, as a person with Asperger's, OCD, anxiety and other problems, that they are just jerks. The vast majority of people whom I meet at meetups make me sick just thinking of how they treat me and other people. People in their 20s are extremely judgemental and superficial to the point that I cannot even talk with them past ten seconds. People in their 30s are almost as bad as their 20s. Both groups seem very immature to me.

Moving on to the people in their 40s, well, not much better. Many act like they are in secondary school (high school), i.e. like they were stuck at age 13 or 14 and never grew up. I have had people in their 40s say, "ew virgin, yuck" to my face. Not only that, but people make their own cliques just like back in secondary school, and exclude others whom they deem as "weird" or "not as high class at they are". The people in their 50s and 60s can sometimes be better, and I get along with them if I indeed do get along with anyone during the social gathering. But I have met way too many people in their 50s and 60s who also act like they are 13 or 14 and judge everyone by how many sexual partners and relationships they have had, how much money they have, how prestigious their job is, how many houses and cars they have, how expensive their clothes are, etc.

Regarding relationships, I always was told that people will not judge you as much as you become older. However, even women in their 40s and 50s have made some seriously negative remarks at my singleness/virginity, and it really made me feel as if I had been transported back to high school. Do middle-aged women in other places really say, "A virgin at 30 is a weirdo" and things like this? Do males in their 40s and 50s in other places lambast and verbally berate other male acquaintances for having had a failed dating life and/or being virgin?

So I am wondering--do you feel that when you meet "normal" people, they act like the people whom I just described above? I really want to know if it is I who is the weird one, or if the people whom I keep meeting are simply uniquely complete pricks.

For the record, I am a native born and bred of San Francisco, California, USA. I attend meetups solely in this city, and these are my overall experiences.
 
Okay, a couple of things:

1. Stop telling people you're a virgin. They cant respond to it if they dont get to know. Not to mention that if you tell people that, it can also bring up mental associations that might turn them away from you. AKA: they might think sex is all you care about, if you just randomly bring that up (as most people dont do that).

2. San Francisco, as in, the big freaking city? Well there's the next problem, then. In my time I've found out that the more "urban" the location, the more "jackass" the people are. It's like big cities are idiot magnets. You want to meet loads and loads of jerks, go to a big city. This is reason #1050673 why I refuse to go into any major city.

That's not to say that rural areas are perfect, but.... I've found that the jerkbag quotient is far less in such places. I know if you were in my area (about 80 minutes southwest of Chicago, on the border between civilization and unending grass), you could go to all sorts of places, and never encounter this. It's a relatively quiet area free of walking snotballs.

Unfortunately, some places just attract jerks. When it comes to big cities, I think something about the "flashy" aspect of cities overall might have something to do about it. They attract those who are most outgoing, and unfortunately "outgoing" often translates to "incredibly tribalistic". So they belittle anyone who doesnt fit into their narrow, sad little box.

Now that all being said... dont expect "meetups" to solve your problems. They almost always wont.
 
Well, a couple things. First, how are these people finding out you are a virgin? That's kind of private information, isn't it?

Second, are you sure these folks are "normal" people? Maybe they have to do the meetups thing because they don't have a good friend circle, and maybe they don't have one because, well, they are a bit socially inept.

Anyway, giving up on these people and these groups seems like a no-brainer.
 
1. Stop telling people you're a virgin. They cant respond to it if they dont get to know. Not to mention that if you tell people that, it can also bring up mental associations that might turn them away from you. AKA: they might think sex is all you care about, if you just randomly bring that up (as most people dont do that).

The thing is, I never revealed this unsolicited. As in, if someone never asked me, I would never say anything.

When I was 29 and younger, I had a problem of naïveté and being too robotic that if someone asked me a question, I would automatically answer completely honestly without thinking about the motives for their asking. You can debate whether this naïveté hurt me badly in the past, but the point is that I would never "volunteer" to reveal this about myself.

What I mean is that I have been asked verbatim, "Are you a virgin?" to my face many times. So, being my robotic self, I would answer that yes I was. I mean, if they did not want to hear my answer, why did they ask me in the first place?

On dates, even, I never volunteered to reveal this. Women have often asked me verbatim, "When was your last relationship? , "When was the last time that you had sex?", "How many times have you had sex?", "Are you a virgin?" and similar questions. You can debate as well, whether these questions are even appropriate (in my opinion, they are not). But I would answer honestly. Then they would made judgements based on my answers. The follow-up question is logically, why are they asking me in the first place if they do not want to hear my honest answer?

It just pops up randomly a lot of times, or at least somewhat tries to veer the conversation in that direction. Someone, either a man or a woman, might just suddenly say, "Man, dating is hard here. I have not had a relationship for years ever since I moved here." Then they will ask me about my relationship history. Then sexual history. Within less than 20 seconds, they will have shifted the conversation to interrogating me about my sexual history.

But you are right, in fact ever since I turned 30 I shut down any questions about my sexual history. I tell them that I refuse to answer. Often they will guilt-trip me or make a passive-aggressive insult hinting that I refuse to answer because I am embarrassed at myself. I just tell them now to piss off and that I do not want to talk to them anymore. They usually end up gossipping about me to others, but I replied how I could.

2. San Francisco, as in, the big freaking city? Well there's the next problem, then. In my time I've found out that the more "urban" the location, the more "jackass" the people are. It's like big cities are idiot magnets. You want to meet loads and loads of jerks, go to a big city. This is reason #1050673 why I refuse to go into any major city.

That's not to say that rural areas are perfect, but.... I've found that the jerkbag quotient is far less in such places. I know if you were in my area (about 80 minutes southwest of Chicago, on the border between civilization and unending grass), you could go to all sorts of places, and never encounter this. It's a relatively quiet area free of walking snotballs.

Unfortunately, some places just attract jerks. When it comes to big cities, I think something about the "flashy" aspect of cities overall might have something to do about it. They attract those who are most outgoing, and unfortunately "outgoing" often translates to "incredibly tribalistic". So they belittle anyone who doesnt fit into their narrow, sad little box.

The problem is that since I live in the city, the only place where I can get to easily is Downtown. The public transit is already terrible in the city. To go out of the city it is even harder. I could drive, but I would have to drive far, over two hours to get to a more rural area. The entire area is metropolitan.

One hour drive south is Silicon Valley, where I have heard that people are even worse than in San Francisco, if you could believe that. I feel quite trapped here. I feel like I can only socialise meaningfully online, since I just cannot get along with people here.
 
As a Frisco native, l think you should try speed dating, salsa clubs are great in Frisco, volunteer, you meet some great woman that way and you can bus to location. Take a part-time job at pier 41 where you are constanly interacting with people, great way to meet someone. Go to events in your special area of expertise to meet like minded woman. Like do you read? Work at store or volunteer at library. Frisco is a great place to get out and do things.
 
First off, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at any age, never mind thirty. Then, remember that for a very long period in history it was a mark of character to retain your virginity until marriage in order to show the utmost respect to your marriage partner. In other words, respect was shown by basically physically and relationally declaring to your partner that you reserve the most intimate part of your life exclusively for him/her.
However, now it’s regarded as naive, even stunted, if you haven’t lost your virginity at the earliest possible age. Somehow the number of people you have had sex with seems to add to your status. And people bang away at that sex button repeatedly, expecting that to make them feel loved when in fact, sex has little to do with love at all. In short, it is that kind of superficial, morphed view of life and love that makes people so lacking in, or even being able to relate to or understand what depth in relationship and humanity means. Fact is that most humans are utterly shallow, self-focussed and boring in their superficiality.
So, your experience is not unusual. If your experience was unusual, then those on the spectrum would feel quite at peace with all others because they wouldn’t feel different and thereby rejected in many ways.
 
It's one of those social herd's ideals for some reason.
Ranks right up there with if you don't like football and sports you're wierd.
Don't let it bother you when people start harping on certain ideals they have made up
to have such a great importance that they can use it as a type of bullying if you don't
agree.
I learned a long time ago not to let their making fun of being or not being what
they deem to be the "in" thing or you're out.
I've become very non-caring regarding what other's think.
About the only thing that makes me upset or angry is when someone accuses me of
something that is not true.
 
So I am wondering--do you feel that when you meet "normal" people, they act like the people whom I just described above? I really want to know if it is I who is the weird one, or if the people whom I keep meeting are simply uniquely complete pricks.
I know a couple of people, both in their 30s, who are immature and obsessed with sex, I avoid them. However your description of your experience is not familiar to me since leaving school. I generally don't enjoy the company of people in their early 20s or younger, we just don't have much in common and their brains haven't finished developing yet so a bit of immaturity is expected, but above the age of 25 most people I know are... well, normal. Generally kind, slightly judgmental about some things, not judgmental about others, too busy focusing on their own lives to care about a random persons sex life. I go to meetups, most of the people I have met I would class as "nice enough, kind of boring" and a few have become close friends. I am also pretty open about being asexual and my lack of interest in relationships (it's normally men who bring up the topic so it's a good way to put a stop to any hopes on their part) and I haven't received any negative reactions aside from vague confusion from people who can't imagine anyone not being interested in such things.
 
Most people are assholes in general. That's my humble opinion.

There's no age at which people magically become nice. You as a person, can choose with what people you surround yourself. In some contexts there will be more assholes than others (I'm thinking of pubs, parties, maybe concerts), in others there's always kind people to be found (I've met many in book clubs).
 
To me it just sounds like you’ve had the bad luck to run into a lot of jerks of different ages. Maybe you run in circles that are very judgmental. In my city there are a lot of open-minded and friendly people that gladly listen to others and like meeting different types of people.
I think I had the luck of meeting a few likeminded individuals through a forum and meeting up with them when I was in my teens. In my mid-thirties I still hang out with some of them, and I’ve met a lot of new people throughout the years, either through mutual acquaintances or in the pubs and clubs I used to frequent back then. I think it helped that I was in an alternative scene, where I’ve found people to be more accepting as a whole.
These days I frequent a pub that attracts a lot of writers, artists and philosophers of all ages. People are all very open to conversation and that makes it easier for me to let my guard down as well. It doesn’t matter if I’m on my own, I’ll always find someone willing to talk. Oh, and no one’s ever asked me about my virginity since I was 16 years old.
Maybe the meetups you’re going to attract a judgmental type of crowd?
 
I think many if not most people can act like jerks under certain circumstances. I think certain settings bring that out more. Then they are like a bunch of chickens thrown together for the first time who will battle out pecking order.

I've never had anyone ask me about my virginity so find it strange. I know it can happen but if it has happened so often to you suspect it is the types of groups or method of meeting people you are using. I always preferred meeting people in not specifically social settings where the social expectations are higher. I found it easier (and less stressful) to do so thru work, or sports, outdoor activities (ie organized hikes/tours) volunteer work, hobby related events, etc.

As an aside I also will give a bit of advice. I would give up your quest for losing virginity. Done just to do it, it is just a meaningless block to check and potentially hurtful to yourself or the other. If you are interested in having a real/lasting partner invest yourself in finding the right person and growing a good, mutually beneficial relationship.
 
To me it just sounds like you’ve had the bad luck to run into a lot of jerks of different ages. Maybe you run in circles that are very judgmental. In my city there are a lot of open-minded and friendly people that gladly listen to others and like meeting different types of people.
I think I had the luck of meeting a few likeminded individuals through a forum and meeting up with them when I was in my teens. In my mid-thirties I still hang out with some of them, and I’ve met a lot of new people throughout the years, either through mutual acquaintances or in the pubs and clubs I used to frequent back then. I think it helped that I was in an alternative scene, where I’ve found people to be more accepting as a whole.
These days I frequent a pub that attracts a lot of writers, artists and philosophers of all ages. People are all very open to conversation and that makes it easier for me to let my guard down as well. It doesn’t matter if I’m on my own, I’ll always find someone willing to talk. Oh, and no one’s ever asked me about my virginity since I was 16 years old.
Maybe the meetups you’re going to attract a judgmental type of crowd?

I believe that you may be right. But I basically have a binary choice for meetups--either not go like I did in my early 20s, or go and meet a lot of judgemental people. Not all of the people are bad, I did make a few friends, but that was after meeting thousands of people over the years. Five or six friends out of 3000-4000 or so people met is a very poor ratio.

I must borrow from my reply to the other thread. Like I said there, over here where I live, if you attend meetups, you are almost certain to encounter at least one person who will ask you these questions:

1) What do you do? (i.e. what is your job)
2) questions about your sexual history
3) questions about your relationship history
4) What are you? (i.e. what race are you)

In many cases several people ask me this each meetup, usually new people. Some attendees are really overbearing and ask me this over and over despite my resistance to answer their questions. In some cases, when I refused to answer, they deem me as rude and aggressive for questioning why they ask me.

One time some guy asked me my race within five seconds of knowing me, and I asked him, "Why do you want to know that?" He said, "Wow, I was only asking, I mean everyone asks this question. So rude, man." Several times when asked about my sexual history and I say something like, "Does that seem like an appropriate question. That is none of your bloody business." Then they say how rude I am, that this question is just friendly talk and everyone asks it.

I often daydream about the future when meetups can be electronic as well, i.e. I could attend a meetup in Europe "electronically" if the meetup organisers connected Skype to a tablet or TV in a bar so people from all over the world can attend virtually. Because meetups here have not really taught me much about making friends--rather they taught me how to be street smart and know how to talk back to people when they try to screw me over.
 
I believe that you may be right. But I basically have a binary choice for meetups--either not go like I did in my early 20s, or go and meet a lot of judgemental people. Not all of the people are bad, I did make a few friends, but that was after meeting thousands of people over the years. Five or six friends out of 3000-4000 or so people met is a very poor ratio.

I must borrow from my reply to the other thread. Like I said there, over here where I live, if you attend meetups, you are almost certain to encounter at least one person who will ask you these questions:

1) What do you do? (i.e. what is your job)
2) questions about your sexual history
3) questions about your relationship history
4) What are you? (i.e. what race are you)

In many cases several people ask me this each meetup, usually new people. Some attendees are really overbearing and ask me this over and over despite my resistance to answer their questions. In some cases, when I refused to answer, they deem me as rude and aggressive for questioning why they ask me.

One time some guy asked me my race within five seconds of knowing me, and I asked him, "Why do you want to know that?" He said, "Wow, I was only asking, I mean everyone asks this question. So rude, man." Several times when asked about my sexual history and I say something like, "Does that seem like an appropriate question. That is none of your bloody business." Then they say how rude I am, that this question is just friendly talk and everyone asks it.

I often daydream about the future when meetups can be electronic as well, i.e. I could attend a meetup in Europe "electronically" if the meetup organisers connected Skype to a tablet or TV in a bar so people from all over the world can attend virtually. Because meetups here have not really taught me much about making friends--rather they taught me how to be street smart and know how to talk back to people when they try to screw me over.
Well, if you ever feel like moving, move to Groningen in the Netherlands. Lots of friendly and accepting people here.
 
When you refer to "meetups" are you talking about meetup.com? Or something else?

You're right, 5 or 6 in 3000-4000 is a very poor ratio. You need to abandon this strategy. Gradually extend your circle of contacts by arranging activities, parties, dinners, etc. within your existing circle, but leaving it open to them bringing a friend if they like. This is a more natural way to do it.
 
I think many if not most people can act like jerks under certain circumstances. I think certain settings bring that out more. Then they are like a bunch of chickens thrown together for the first time who will battle out pecking order.

I've never had anyone ask me about my virginity so find it strange. I know it can happen but if it has happened so often to you suspect it is the types of groups or method of meeting people you are using. I always preferred meeting people in not specifically social settings where the social expectations are higher. I found it easier (and less stressful) to do so thru work, or sports, outdoor activities (ie organized hikes/tours) volunteer work, hobby related events, etc.

Sometimes the way that the question is asked is from a previous question and previous answer. Usually they ask you about your relationship or sexual history. If you say that you have none, then they make a weird face and ask you are you joking or something.

Then the real hell comes when they ask you, "So do you mean that you are a virgin?!" or, "You mean that you have never had a girlfriend?!"

These are not just people in their early 20s asking. It is also people in their 30s and 40s, sometimes 50s and 60s. Everyone of all ages asks something like this

As an aside I also will give a bit of advice. I would give up your quest for losing virginity. Done just to do it, it is just a meaningless block to check and potentially hurtful to yourself or the other. If you are interested in having a real/lasting partner invest yourself in finding the right person and growing a good, mutually beneficial relationship.

That is true, in fact when I turned 30 within minutes I told myself that I am giving up this "checkbox" to tick. Over here I grew up in a place where people often check things on their "to do list" as if it were a resumé. People here often brag to others how many countries they visited. But the thing is, they do not even care much about the place, they just want the passport stamp and bragging rights that they can try to use to one-up other people at meetups. "Oh, you have been to Italy? I have been to Italy as well as 50 other countries! Did you know, I am going to Slovenia next?" and you can see them trying to compete with one another. This virginity is kind of similar.

I remember a few times I was in a group of newcomers, and the conversation just turned bizarre. It was like a "truth or dare" game between teenagers, except it was all truth. I was in a group of people who were in their 20s and 30s. In the group circle, a meetup attendee told everyone to state 1) the age at which they lost their virginity and 2) describe their first sexual encounter. And in this group circle, it went around everyone revealing these private informations about themselves. Needless to say when I answered honestly, everyone stared at me as if I were a leper with five limbs and two heads. Now I learnt to stop revealing this information. But I can assure you, that getting into these circlejerk "one-up" sessions at meetups is frustratingly common over here.

I have talked a bit with divorced women in their 40s, 50s and 60s. There was one time where a divorced 60-something year old woman talked to me and the conversation quickly became really weird. She said how dating is so hard in this city and that the men are all losers or undateable or weird. Talking about how she lived in the UK because her husband was British and she left him and moved to SF to make some money.

Then she said, "No decent men here. Just too hard. And my husband never gave me sex since our children were born. Now my son is 27. I have not been [deleted word] in ages." I was thinking to myself, "Are you seriously telling me this?"
 
When you refer to "meetups" are you talking about meetup.com? Or something else?

I usually call any social gathering a meetup, but in terms of actual platforms, yes I do attend meetups specifically from meetup.com. I also go to events from Internations. I used to go to Couchsurfing events, but now there honestly is no good event from them here. Usually at meetups now, at meetup.com event that I attend the average attendance is 100+ people. Internations meetups the average is 200 attendees. Of all of these platforms, I have met the most unpleasant, judgemental, posh, pretentious people at Internations meetups. I get into verbal arguments more than having meaningful conversations.

You're right, 5 or 6 in 3000-4000 is a very poor ratio. You need to abandon this strategy. Gradually extend your circle of contacts by arranging activities, parties, dinners, etc. within your existing circle, but leaving it open to them bringing a friend if they like. This is a more natural way to do it.

I am reevaluting my methods of socialising, so I would have to see. I plan to study in Europe next year and leave the country, so even if I cannot socialise here, at least I have something to look forward to by being in a different country.
 
Virginity is not something I'd bring up unless I really knew someone, not something I'd mention in a casual conversation.
 
Virginity is not something I'd bring up unless I really knew someone, not something I'd mention in a casual conversation.

For yet another time I must reiterate...I am not bringing it up. People keep seeming to think that I am just going up to people and saying, "Hey I am ____, I am 30 year old virgin." So let me state once again:

I am not actively bringing up nor going up to people telling them I am a virgin.

As I have written, probably well over five times by now, it is because in my 20s and before I have had robotic naïveté where people initiate questions asking me about my sexual and relationship history. It is not I who is offering to give them this information.

I know that I am poor at explaining things, but I have said this over and over: I am not the one who is bringing up this topic at all--they often change the conversation and ask me these questions without my even mentioning it.

And as I have said yet again, since turning 30 I refuse to answer them these questions.
 
Well, if you ever feel like moving, move to Groningen in the Netherlands. Lots of friendly and accepting people here.

One of the few positives that I got out of my lack of social life in my mid-20s was that I used that time to study my foreign languages intensively. So I got B2 level in Dutch, at least there is that..
 
For yet another time I must reiterate...I am not bringing it up.....

As I have written, probably well over five times by now....

I know that I am poor at explaining things, but I have said this over and over....

And as I have said yet again....
People don't always read the whole thread. They may just read the OP and then reply. It's not the best form, but this might be an occasion to practice your patience.
 
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