Do my husband know he is on the spectrum?

[lotusflower]

Hi everyone,
So I found out last week that my husband is probably on the spectrum, because a friend told me about Asperger, her own husband has it and they are similar on many levels.

So I looked yes, somehow for the first time after 15y of marriage everything make sense and I know now that it’s not me to be blame as he tend to make me feel.

My husband is very intelligent and has a high level job. I knew something was strange with him but because of his IQ and job level I never suspected Asperger. I thought he was may be gay deep down as he rejected me too many time in the middle of the act, or may schizophrenia as his brother has been diagnosed as a kid... but the symptoms never matched.

He is more like a robot, but he seems in controlled of it, I can see and understand now how much he worked at it because it’s now very subtle. He studied social psychology too so that’s why i tent to think that he knew and worked on it and still do. Nevertheless all these years I felt unloved, still today he is not interested by my hobbies or job etc. He always put the blame on me for every argument, bringing everything to his feelings. When I cried he never use to take me in his arms, but he does now as a reflex because I told him that’s something he should do...

I never had proper bday celebration etc, lots of mood swings out of the blue, he doesn’t trust me, basically I never felt being his wife at all! Nothing we purchase is at my name! He controls everything and as we are expat I feel like prisoner. I tried counselling but he refused to go back to a second appointment. We have a 9 years old so it’s even harder to take some distance.

I have always felt our relationship was anti natural and felt manipulated psychologically. When others where saying he admires you by the way he’s looking at you, I always felt observed and I feel he learned how to mimic my social behaviours in public and emotional reactions at home. Does he know he is on the spectrum you think? Should I say something?

 

[Clueless in Canada]

Does he know he is on the spectrum you think? Should I say something?

Hi Lotusflower, I am sorry you have to go through this. I was in a marriage with a man who was manipulative and controlling but I am the aspie one. Although your husband may be on the spectrum he may also have other things going on that are co-morbid. I think that if you tell him you think he is on the autism spectrum he is likely to get angry or defensive. He has already refused to continue counselling with you and that is not a good sign. You need to look after yourself so I would suggest you continue with counselling on your own and seek some clarity and advice that way.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @lotusflower .
If he is on the spectrum, he may feel alienated, but still not know why. As others have pointed out, his other problems are likely co-morbid conditions, if he is indeed on the spectrum.

 

[Crossbreed]

If you work outside of your home, you may want to get some pamphlets about autism. If he asks what they are about, you could tell him that you have an autistic co-worker that you are trying to understand better.

He studied social psychology too...

He may be trying to figure out what exactly he is.

If he sees your pamphlet lying around, he may try it on to see if it fits...

A lot of your post emphasizes how selfish he is. He won't consider fixing that until he recognizes it is inappropriate. (If he is autistic, he thinks that he is maintaining order.)

 

[BraidedPony]

He doesn’t really sound Aspie to me. Some similar traits maybe, but I just think there is something else...

 

[lotusflower]

I work from home unfortunately... to be honest I would
Like him to know that I know and it’s ok!
I’d like to talk about it although it may not be possible for him I guess... My guts are telling me that he knows since ever and worked on it all his life. If I was to meet him today I wouldn’t see as much as I saw many years ago, although our personality don’t match I don’t think our marriage would anyhow. I will have a look at comorbid, his brother being schizophrenic on treatment may help he picked up some of that too
Don’t want to abandon him also as he seems to have worked so hard to fit better and be a better person. It’s so confusing all of that, sometime I feel I am the one on the spectrum, may be I am too...

 

[lotusflower]

He doesn’t really sound Aspie to me. Some similar traits maybe, but I just think there is something else...

What make you say that? I mean I don’t know for sure, from what I have read online his behaviors are similar to many... but yes I do feel there is something else too, but without him seeing someone how do I know?

 

[Clueless in Canada]

I work from home unfortunately... to be honest I would
Like him to know that I know and it’s ok!
I’d like to talk about it although it may not be possible for him I guess... My guts are telling me that he knows since ever and worked on it all his life. If I was to meet him today I wouldn’t see as much as I saw many years ago, although our personality don’t match I don’t our marriage would anyhow. I will have a look at comorbid, his brother being schizophrenic on treatment may help he picked up some of that too
Don’t want to abandon him also as he seems to have worked so hard to fit better and be a better person. It’s so confusing all of that, sometime I feel I am the one on the spectrum, may be I am too...

I admire your desire to be open minded and to make the best of the situation. What seems familiar to me is that I spent years taking the blame/responsibility on myself, insisting that my ex was a good man and that although he was high maintenance he was worth it. I knew that there were reasons for his being the way he was and I thought it was my job to accept/forgive/cope with them. But the thing is, he never made any effort to change or accept me as I was and eventually I made the decision that it was not my job to do all of the work. You know your own situation best and maybe it is not as much like mine as it seems to be. I wish you all the best.

 

[Mia]

C'est pas vous Virginie, et ce n'est pas de ta faute.

I think maybe if you know a little more about asperger's or autism it might make it easier for you to understand. Your husband may not be interested in your hobbies or interests. Not because he doesn't care about you, he may have his own interests that he likes to focus on.

As for sex, he may not be all that interested in sex, some aspies don't like to be touched all that much. Or sex has to happen in a certain way, for them to be interested.

Je suis désolé que vous vous sentiez mal aimé. Est-il possible qu'il montre son amour d'une manière différent?

As for arguments and blame, yes that happens in many relationships. And sometimes people don't take responsibility for things that are said. People don't look inside all that often, some autistic people are not in touch with their feelings and are unaware that there are people who feel many things that they do not. So because they don't know, they feel threatened in arguments, and hate conflict.

One of the things I will say, is that you are not alone in not celebrating birthdays and holidays. Many aspies find them difficult, and many don't celebrate. I am an Aspie married to an Aspie too. I tell him, very clearly what I want, which makes it easy for him. You have to be clear Virginie with what you want, and say so. As he cannot read your mind or thoughts. It's not the same as a regular relationship, it's different as you've experienced.

Il est temps de parler et de dire ce que vous voulez.

 

[lotusflower]

I admire your desire to be open minded and to make the best of the situation. What seems familiar to me is that I spent years taking the blame/responsibility on myself, insisting that my ex was a good man and that although he was high maintenance he was worth it. I knew that there were reasons for his being the way he was and I thought it was my job to accept/forgive/cope with them. But the thing is, he never made any effort to change or accept me as I was and eventually I made the decision that it was not my job to do all of the work. You know your own situation best and maybe it is not as much like mine as it seems to be. I wish you all the best.

thank you I understand i guess. It’s a guilty feeling that may be will pass but for now I need answers...

 

[BraidedPony]

There are some quizzes online that you can take to see if YOU are on the spectrum. If I remember correctly, they quiz is translated into many languages.
Just want to encourage you to think about yourself and to try not to put all your energy into nurturing your husband.
I think the test is at aspiequiz.com.

 

[china autie]

He always put the blame on me for every argument, bringing everything to his feelings.

This is not normal or average.

controls everything

This is not normal or average.

feel like prison

This is not normal or average.

have always felt our relationship was anti natural and felt manipulated psychologically.

This is not normal or average.

always felt observed

This is not normal or average.

Autistics are capable of healthy relationships. He blames you, controls everything, treats you like a prisoner. You feel manipulated and observed.

Please do continue counseling without him and develop some options for yourself and your daughter. Aspergers is not the issue here.

Your husband may be an Aspie or be an Aspie and have something else too. Or he may not be. That does not matter nearly as much as your safety.

Why would you want to remain with someone who is controlling and insists on everything being in his name? Being alone or a single mom is hard, yet it is better than being with the wrong person.

I hope the best for you!

 

[lotusflower]

C'est pas vous, et ce n'est pas de ta faute.

I think maybe if you know a little more about asperger's or autism it might make it easier for you to understand. Your husband may not be interested in your hobbies or interests. Not because he doesn't care about you, he may have his own interests that he likes to focus on.

As for sex, he may not be all that interested in sex, some aspies don't like to be touched all too much. Or sex has to happen in a certain way, for them to be interested.

Je suis désolé que vous vous sentiez mal aimé. Est-il possible qu'il montre son amour d'une manière différent?

As for arguments and blame, yes that happens in many relationships. And sometimes people don't take responsibility for things that are said. People don't look inside all that often, some autistic people are not in touch with their feelings and are unaware that there are people who feel many things that they do not. So because they don't know, they feel threatened in arguments, and hate conflict.

One of the things I will say, is that you are not alone in not celebrating birthdays and holidays. Many aspies find them difficult, and many don't celebrate. I am an Aspie married to an Aspie too. I tell him, very clearly what I want, which makes it easy for him. You have to be clear Virginie with what you want, and say so. As he cannot read your mind or thoughts. It's not the same as a regular relationship, it's different as you've experienced.

Il est temps de parler et de dire ce que vous voulez.

Mia ce n’est pas si simple, I alway expressed myself in the past which triggered fights , deception, mood swings and at the end it was always my fault so I have learn to not object and keep my mouth shout

There are some quizzes online that you can take to see if YOU are on the spectrum. If I remember correctly, they quiz is translated into many languages.
Just want to encourage you to think about yourself and to try not to put all your energy into nurturing your husband.
I think the test is at aspiequiz.com.

Thank you I took the test and it's negatif!

 

[Mia]

Mia ce n’est pas si simple, I alway expressed myself in the past which triggered fights , deception, mood swings and at the end it was always my fault so I have learn to not object and keep my mouth shout

No, I don't think you have to do that, because it solves nothing. It was similar for me. What I did was learn how to argue, discuss, dialogue without ascribing blame. That changed everything. I learned to think critically, logically and to argue/discuss in constructive way. I even took courses, to learn to do this. I worked very hard to understand that what I was saying was too critical, which caused my spouse to back away, stop talking, become mute.

Here's where you can start: ttps://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/communicating-effectively-aspergers-partner-five-important-suggestions/

Much of how we act in our relationships, is what we saw/heard/experienced growing up, between our parents or grandparents. How they interacted together, is usually our only example. It's most of the time, the only relationships we personally experience, so we tend to even without knowing it, repeat some of the same patterns in our marriages.

 

[lotusflower]

No, I don't think you have to do that, because it solves nothing. It was similar for me. What I did was learn how to argue, discuss, dialogue without ascribing blame. That changed everything. I learned to think critically, logically and to argue/discuss in constructive way. I even took courses, to learn to do this. I worked very hard to understand that what I was saying was too critical, which caused my spouse to back away, stop talking, become mute.

Here's where you can start: ttps://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/communicating-effectively-aspergers-partner-five-important-suggestions/

Much of how we act in our relationships, is what we saw/heard/experienced growing up, between our parents or grandparents. How they interacted together, is usually our only example. It's most of the time, the only relationships we personally experience, so we tend to even without knowing it, repeat some of the same patterns in our marriages.

I have already worked on that all those years too to avoid conflict. I wasn't explicit enough, yes I bite my tongue but I also have learn how to communicate to avoid conflict. To me it is still anti natural as I really have to make an effort and thing how to speak, it's tiring. Thanks I will have a look at the link, it can only help.

 

[Mia]

Think that one of the things we bring with us into relationships are the stories we tell ourselves. We want to be cared about, respected, loved, appreciated, like a fairytale. Very much like we may or may not have been by Mom and Dad.

Often we expect someone to do that for us, and people go into relationships with a background of neglect, attachment disorders, and the spouse is there to fix it all. It's hard to give up the stories that we tell ourselves, because they seem like our identities. But they're not, they are ideas, wants, desires, but not the core of our personalities. The stories we tell ourselves become rigid patterns, that we ascribe to.

And with those stories we make our way in the world, and hope that someone who comes along will help us fix it all. It's up to us to reach maturity and do those things for ourselves. If the partner wants to help, its welcome.

If you want to change the other individual, you have to change yourself. People often feel as if they are the greater victim in a marriage. We live with that dialogue, as if it were a way to understand ourselves.

The story we tell ourselves, are something we have to give up. In order to break the patterns that create dysfunction in our relationships.