Do Aspies Take Everything Personally?

[Sportster]

Throughout my life, though not as much as I’ve gotten older, people say to me, “You take everything personally.” After being here for a number of years and interacting with those on the spectrum from all over the world, different cultures and lifestyles, etc, it has made me wonder. Allow me to try to explain and open the door for some dialogue.

I have seen a simple post here go from just that to a heated debate quickly because it was taken personally by someone. In my own life, I encounter people on a daily basis that say or do things that strike me as being personal and therefore require an immediate response even though one is not necessary . . . or useful. Over the years I have worked to discipline myself to not react quickly realizing that what was said or done may have been superficial and not a personal affront.

For me personally, when I was younger I felt as though I constantly had to defend myself and set the record straight. As I got older, I realized that in most cases the situation really didn't matter. As it turned out, idle discussions like at work were superficial and had no bearing on anything. Unfortunately, I didn't catch on for many years and would try to correct something only to come across as a jerk even though that wasn't my intention.

Nowadays I tend to let such things pass even if I know for a fact that what was said or done was incorrect unless it affects me personally or what I am trying to do.


So, are aspies more inclined to take everything personally? Do we like to debate for the sake of debating or do we feel it necessary to set the record straight? If so, why do we feel it necessary?

 

[Nitro]

If I was an aspie,I probably would respond

 

[Mr Allen]

I do take things personally, that's why I'm banned from almost every gaming forum on the Internet for my staunch allegiance to Microsoft and the Xbox brand, that and most of the Internet's opinion that all disabled adults are "work shy slaves to the benefit system/scroungers/insert hurtful benefit claimant related insult here".

 

[Mr Allen]

If I was an aspie,I probably would respond

Hang on, you're NT, yet you're a Mod/Admin on an Aspie forum? How's that work?

No offence intended.

 

[Nitro]

As a pure autie,I can't say that I never took things personally.
If I was criticized,it was a vehicle to push myself for further improvement in the area if I felt there was room for improvement that would benefit me.

If I felt that I was satisfied with what I was doing,I was always open to suggestion and at times would make the change if it made more sense to me because I had overlooked it.

 

[Chance]

I take things way too personally... Maybe because I try very hard to not cause problems, and still do it on accident.

Yesterday... I was doing the awful dreaded thing of trading vehicles, I hate this process, by the time I am done I usually feel taken and drained, but its done...

The guy who appraised my truck made a remark I didn't like. I take VERY VERY GOOD care of my stuff... There is one tiny (I mean tiny as in so small) dent right by the drivers door handle (the truck is flawless other than that) and he said "Thats gonna cost you!

It pissed me off instantly because of how he said it and I didn't realize he was kidding!!! This is where I SUCK at communication and its embarrassing sometimes... Lots of times : (

Even worse is the dent happened before I ever left the dealership when I bought the truck 2 years ago... It was windy that day and the door blew open, and the mirror of the truck right beside bumped my door right above the drivers door handle, so I hated that tiny dent the whole time I had the truck, now this guy was being a jerk ( I thought) ... when the truck still looks brand new... I wanted to get angry but I so glad didn't.

I think he saw I was pissed or confused and he finally told me, "I'm just kidding you buddy, its nothing."

I felt like an idiot...

 

[WereBear]

I ALWAYS take things personally because it is personal!

You fire me, you disparage the things I like, it's all the same to me. It is happening to ME.

Of course, I do get sarcasm, and this helps a lot. In fact, it can be a very helpful coping tool. Always assume sarcasm.

If you are called out for being wrong, it's easy to say, "Oh, you meant that? Honestly? You are admitting it?"

 

[Suzanne]

When it is personal, I do take it personal; but if it is in a "round about way" I tend to see that they are making a sweeping statement.

I both react immediately and do not react at all, but feel it.

An example: you look great TONIGHT. I say: aww thanks so much. Inside: I guess I don't look so good other times then?

I think you spend way too much time online. Yes, I do spend a lot of time online, but does that automatically means what I am doing is wrong?

Just seen the part about sarcasm. No, sadly, I still miss that part. I detect there is something strange about the way a person said something, but perplexed to why they would say it in a strange way and usually, they are the one to say: I was being sarcastic.

However, I am actually really sarcastic myself, so sadly, a huge contradiction going on there.

 

[Suzanne]

I take things way too personally... Maybe because I try very hard to not cause problems, and still do it on accident.

Yesterday... I was doing the awful dreaded thing of trading vehicles, I hate this process, by the time I am done I usually feel taken and drained, but its done...

The guy who appraised my truck made a remark I didn't like. I take VERY VERY GOOD care of my stuff... There is one tiny (I mean tiny as in so small) dent right by the drivers door handle (the truck is flawless other than that) and he said "Thats gonna cost you!

It pissed me off instantly because of how he said it and I didn't realize he was kidding!!! This is where I SUCK at communication and its embarrassing sometimes... Lots of times : (

Even worse is the dent happened before I ever left the dealership when I bought the truck 2 years ago... It was windy that day and the door blew open, and the mirror of the truck right beside bumped my door right above the drivers door handle, so I hated that tiny dent the whole time I had the truck, now this guy was being a jerk ( I thought) ... when the truck still looks brand new... I wanted to get angry but I so glad didn't.

I think he saw I was pissed or confused and he finally told me, "I'm just kidding you buddy, its nothing."

I felt like an idiot...

Oh boy, Chance, are we twins lol

My husband is ALWAYS doing this kind of thing to me and he even waits til I am in a rage, before he says: it is so easy to wind you up and sometimes I say: so why do it then? I mean: where is the fun in it being easy?

 

[Gritches]

I've sort of gone through this in phases.

When I was younger (up til about 19-20) if I heard anyone say anything, I assumed they were talking about me, talking behind my back, all about me me me. I was used to that being the status quo, basically jumping from being a very bullied 7th grader straight into college, so I reacted in this sort of shrinking, sniveling, crying-without-the-tears sort of way that I always had.

After that, I had turned mean and feral for a few years. I still took everything personally, but instead of thinking someone might've meant something by it I was sure they were looking to start something, so I guess I took things even more personal at that point. I tried to start a lot of fights with some very confused people who had no idea what the hell I was so upset about.

Eventually, I grew up and realized the adult world was NOT 7th grade and nobody is talking about me, they didn't mean anything by it, and if I thought they did I was probably just taking it too personally. I still get gut reactions as if someone was talking crap about/to me, but I just assume that I'm drawing that conclusion falsely and I let it go.

 

[Progster]

I tend to react immediately if someone makes a negative comment about me, insults me or unfairly criticises me. However, it depends on what the comment is about. There are many comments that other people take personally that I don't, such as telling me that I've put on weight. Well, I have put on weight, it's a fact, so I don't feel insulted and don't take it personally. However, if someone were to call me fat, I would object and react immediately because it simply isn't true. I don't like being criticised unfairly, that is something that I do take personally.

 

[Judge]

LOL...maybe I should stop at just saying, "it's complicated!" But I won't.

IMO the trait of being argumentative is somewhat different from taking everything personally. So in my own case I suppose it depends on how well- or not I interpret what is said.

However I may still launch a very "spirited discussion" without having taken much of anything personally. It's just my nature, whether there's an actual reason for it or none at all.

Equally though it's why using sarcasm directed at me is generally a bad idea. Though not that anyone heeds this. Where my most efficient response is to ignore what was said, or simply launch into a counterattack, because I'm likely to default to a sense of having been insulted.

So I didn't fill in any of the boxes of your poll. Maybe the all fit. Maybe all of them don't. Want to argue the point?

 

[OkRad]

OMG Sportster! What?? You singled me out for a thrashing? I am so hurt!!! :-D

 

[OkRad]

I've sort of gone through this in phases.

When I was younger (up til about 19-20) if I heard anyone say anything, I assumed they were talking about me, talking behind my back, all about me me me. I was used to that being the status quo, basically jumping from being a very bullied 7th grader straight into college, so I reacted in this sort of shrinking, sniveling, crying-without-the-tears sort of way that I always had.

After that, I had turned mean and feral for a few years. I still took everything personally, but instead of thinking someone might've meant something by it I was sure they were looking to start something, so I guess I took things even more personal at that point. I tried to start a lot of fights with some very confused people who had no idea what the hell I was so upset about.

Eventually, I grew up and realized the adult world was NOT 7th grade and nobody is talking about me, they didn't mean anything by it, and if I thought they did I was probably just taking it too personally. I still get gut reactions as if someone was talking crap about/to me, but I just assume that I'm drawing that conclusion falsely and I let it go.

Turning feral. This is SUPERB. I turned feral, too. And it was a direct cause of being bullied and abused. I find that sad. We are sooooo super sensitive that we can't take it. Were you good at being feral? I wasn't. I never did much m ore than kick and scream at it all. I am not feral anymore. Cicero cured me.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I've sort of gone through this in phases.

When I was younger (up til about 19-20) if I heard anyone say anything, I assumed they were talking about me, talking behind my back, all about me me me. I was used to that being the status quo, basically jumping from being a very bullied 7th grader straight into college, so I reacted in this sort of shrinking, sniveling, crying-without-the-tears sort of way that I always had.

After that, I had turned mean and feral for a few years. I still took everything personally, but instead of thinking someone might've meant something by it I was sure they were looking to start something, so I guess I took things even more personal at that point. I tried to start a lot of fights with some very confused people who had no idea what the hell I was so upset about.

Eventually, I grew up and realized the adult world was NOT 7th grade and nobody is talking about me, they didn't mean anything by it, and if I thought they did I was probably just taking it too personally. I still get gut reactions as if someone was talking crap about/to me, but I just assume that I'm drawing that conclusion falsely and I let it go.

nobody is talking about me, they didn't mean anything by it, and if I thought they did I was probably just taking it too personally.

Oh boy I could go on about this. Taking everything personally gets everyone (not just Aspies) into big trouble. If a statement is actually directed at you and you know this for a fact then ok, take it personally and react as you need to. But about 90% of things are NOT directed at you- you are NOT the center of the universe so it's important that you realize that and that there can be all kinds of reasons why someone says what they say that have nothing to do with you. I had to learn this the hard way but once you can get a more objective perspective, you will be a much happier person.

 

[Judge]

Oh boy I could go on about this. Taking everything personally gets everyone (not just Aspies) into big trouble. If a statement is actually directed at you and you know this for a fact then ok, take it personally and react as you need to. But about 90% of things are NOT directed at you- you are NOT the center of the universe so it's important that you realize that and that there can be all kinds of reasons why someone says what they say that have nothing to do with you. I had to learn this the hard way but once you can get a more objective perspective, you will be a much happier person.

Good points. But consider this. The possibility that you are neurologically "hard-wired" to process input in such a manner in whole or in part no matter how hard you want to the contrary.

The question becomes which ones of us are stuck in such a "mental recursion", and to what extent ?

Where the "amplitude" of such a trait can make or break us in everyday social interactions.

 

[Gritches]

Turning feral. This is SUPERB. I turned feral, too. And it was a direct cause of being bullied and abused. I find that sad. We are sooooo super sensitive that we can't take it. Were you good at being feral? I wasn't. I never did much m ore than kick and scream at it all. I am not feral anymore. Cicero cured me.

I was. It was about making sure everyone in the room knew you were the craziest mofo there. It wasn't about employing violence, it was about making sure everyone knew how willing you were to make those kinds of poor decisions. Someone turns it up to a 5, you turn it up to a 10. They turn it up to a 10, you turn it up to a 20.

Ever seen two male lions fight for control of the pride, like on Animal Planet or something? Lions are, physically, capable of ripping each other to shreds, but they don't; they start at a distance, creep closer to each other, and eventually one runs at the other who usually turns tail and runs away. It isn't the lion with the sharpest set of teeth that gets the girls, it's the lion with the biggest set of stones. It works the same way for people; certain kinds of people, that is. Other feral people. What an existence that was.

Kindness and compassion cured me.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Good points. But consider this. The possibility that you are neurologically "hard-wired" to process input in such a manner no matter how hard you want to the contrary.

The question becomes which ones of us are stuck in such a "mental recursion", and to what extent ?

Where the "amplitude" of such a trait can make or break us in everyday social interactions.

I hear you. But it is so critical that people learn to NOT take everything personally- maybe there's a way hard wired aspies can do this? I don't know. Because taking everything personally leads to so much unhappiness.

 

[Judge]

I hear you. But it is so critical that people learn to NOT take everything personally- maybe there's a way hard wired aspies can do this? I don't know. Because taking everything personally leads to so much unhappiness.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If one is truly "hard-wired" over particular traits there may be nothing they can do. Where they are locked in a recursion, making the same mistakes over and over again and perhaps not even being able to recognize it.

Perhaps made worse if one's autism involves diminished cognitive thought processes- executive functioning, etc.. What you are discussing can often draw a very harsh line between the perception of a Neurotypical person versus a Neurodiverse person. And the difference between who is high-functioning and who may be construed as "disabled" by society and/or government.

In our world, "can't" doesn't always equate to "won't". A concept that IMO, NTs seem to struggle with. Where perhaps the greatest advance may be for such a person to be able to acknowledge what traits are "hard-wired" for them, yet still not being able to do much about it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." - The Serenity Prayer

 

[SunnyDay16]

I do sometimes take things personally, but it's something I'm trying to work on. More recently when I am made fun of I try to let it roll off my back, because people are idiots and that will never change.