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Do Aspie Exes Come Back/ Reconnect After Breakup Or Divorce?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Revant87, Mar 28, 2017.

  1. Revant87

    Revant87 Active Member

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    Is there anyone on the forum whose aspie ex came back/ reconnected after years of break up/ divorce? And reconnected with regret of their actions?
     
  2. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    I'm not of this demographic but if you're asking if an autistic person might feel regret from the actions they've done well it's very much a person thing. There are some of us who think very black and white and will stick to their initial thoughts and then there are others like myself who will ping pong around on their opinions and see it from all sides. What I'm saying is that there is no one answer, it's a very personal thing just like any other person. Just like other people if they're the stubborn type with other issues well there's a good chance they'll be stubborn on this too.
     
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  3. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Would if I could in a few cases. Of course it never happened.

    In most cases I was dumped and they never looked back. Though in my own case neither myself or them had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism. Even then I have no way of knowing whether it would have mattered.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2017
  4. Ocarina

    Ocarina Well-Known Member

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    My autistic ex came back after I broke up with him - we'd been together 3 years and I was finding myself increasingly becoming harmed by having to shoe horn myself into a role (that ironically I'd created for myself!) I realised what was happening and that he wasn't able to change and ended the relationship for my own sanity.

    Fast forward 18 months during which time I assumed he just didn't care and tried to move on, we reconnected - I was extremely hesitant, I love him to the end of the earth but had been really hurt and didn't want more of the same. He had made some profound changes and assured me he would to anything to prove things would be different and they were for a while - but a year down the line when some stressors hit him, he couldn't cope and retreated - not just for a few days, but for months. Didn't want to discuss what was going on with him, just became effectively unavailable - working 24/7 and drinking alot.

    I was tolerant and accepting but eventually I realised this was all he was going to be able to offer - that I needed to put my life on hold in order fit myself into his and I wasn't prepared to martyr myself in this way and the rest is history. Sadly.
     
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  5. Revant87

    Revant87 Active Member

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    Thank you all of you.

    My aspie husband took a very harsh decision to divorce me within couple of months of marriage without assigning any reason. He went into his shell. I tried to reconcile using best possible ways but in vain. He avoided me, cut off all contact with me and put all blame on me. All this while, he hid the fact of his aspergers. I came to know of his aspergers from some other source which broke me down. This break down on my part was not due to the fact that he has aspergers but because of the fact that he cheated by not disclosing. All the while he kept on saying that he is very practical, logical and realistic (which he hardly is !!!). I still love him but I am unable to convince him that we can work out our marriage. Therefore, I have agreed to go ahead with divorce proceedings. But somewhere deep inside I feel he will come back and realise his love for me. Will this ever happen? I really love him....
     
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  6. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    I'm self-diagnosed AS.
    My most recent relationship ended on my terms. He did not know I was on the spectrum and neither did I. He has made some efforts to reconnect but in my mind it is over. I have revisited all my previous relationships (not a long list) and I have either cut them out of my life completely, or never really invested in them so when they left I didn't care.
    Personally, when my mind is made up I find it near impossible to imagine what anyone can say to change my mind. If I can think of something they could say or do, I would find a way for them to do it, as I really do want to believe the best in people and make love not war.
     
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  7. Revant87

    Revant87 Active Member

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    Thank you, Lady Penelope. Your response is really helpful.

    But did you miss the good times you shared with them and wished those times never ended? I know this is personal but I really would like to have an insight from you.

    Further, do you like to stay friends with your exes?

    Thanks :)
     
  8. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    My view is that unless the breakup was due to fundamental differences then a level of friendship can be maintained. I prefer to keep what works and put aside what doesn't. Say, sex was not compatible. Then take that out and keep what does work. Tailor the relationship to suit the parties not society.

    I do not wish to be friends with my most recent ex due to his attitude towards me. I realised he did not care how i felt but only what i could do for him. It took me almost a decade to extract myself from him.
    I have tried to be friends with other exes but found once sex is out they lose interest... funny about that.
    It is in my nature to believe the best in people and not give up on them or the relationship. Usually to my detriment. It takes a lot for me to reach my f-it stage. I'd much prefer to adjust the relationship where it's win win on some level rather than quit. Unfortunately it takes two...
     
  9. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    O
    Oh... and i do remember good times fondly. But as a nice anecdote to life story. Can't go back. It was a moment. It passed.
     
  10. Revant87

    Revant87 Active Member

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    Thank you Lady Penelope!:)
     
  11. Revant87

    Revant87 Active Member

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    Thanks, Ocarina

    Are you still friends with him?
     
  12. Ocarina

    Ocarina Well-Known Member

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    After the initial split a few years ago, he made attempts to stay friends but it was too raw and painful for me.

    Now although it's still quite early days I wonder if we could be - perhaps not yet but somewhere down the line. That having been said he doesn't really have any friends as such and I am wary of hankering after something that ultimately didn't work so maybe it would be futile.

    What I would say though Revant is that the thing that really broke us was the lack of ability to communicate effectively - whilst I'm eloquent enough on here, face to face when difficult things came up both of us were wired to withdraw. This is something that I don't believe will ever work in a relationship but it seemed impossible to change try as we might. Sometimes love alone isn't enough.

    Remember it takes two people to make a relationship work - and don't put your life on hold for anyone.
     
  13. Ebu004

    Ebu004 New Member

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    I am an aspie female and I just ended a 6 month relationship with an NT. I have always been very open and honest and willing to sacrifice myself for relationships that were honestly not in my best interest (varying types of abusive). I'd stay in volatile relationships for 3 or 4 years before finally choosing to end them. I have ended all my relationships, this being the shortest one because I decided I would not stay in a volatile relationship as long as I had in the past (an accumulative 10 years of pointless trying!).

    Fidelity is a big deal for me and I have always had issues with jealousy/self-consciousness. At the beginning of this one I stated very blatantly that watching porn would be a deal breaker. I realize it's not as much of an issue for other people but I assumed that if I stated this requirement up-front that he would just say "ok let's not be together cause I won't stop watching porn" OR just not watch it. A couple weeks ago we got into an argument where he was being completely wrong and heartless. Blaming me for him not having money, telling me I was selfish because I wanted two of our 12 beers (they were the LAST two so I guess that bothered him). After trying to reason with him multiple times, crying in the hallway...and beating myself in the head (which I also said I'd never do again), I got in his face to tell him he can't treat me like that. He pushed me and I grabbed ahold of him and didn't let go (I had been begging him for days to just let me hug him or have a good time with me cause we had been arguing a lot. For me, something snapped and I chose to force him to hug me which I shouldn't have done, he equates it to a choke-hold). After he told me to leave and I was packing, he suddenly physically attacked me, pushing me repeatedly and then choking me against the wall and then on the ground and the next day he came to me honestly saying he had watched porn when we had arguments or just random other times.

    Due to my new relationship rules, I decided to leave him right there at the red flags of violence and infidelity. He has been begging me to let him try again but I told him. My feelings died that night, when I make a relationship ending decision-that's it. Kill switch activated. And I disappear. We had some amazing chemistry, great mutual friends, a lot of fun activities we could enjoy together. I'm considering giving him another chance just as much as I'm considering never speaking to him again. I hate hurting people and I'm not sure if I'm being irrational at deciding to end it so soon over the reasons I have stated...

    That is all...suggestions welcome...
     
  14. 312Sarah

    312Sarah Active Member

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    When you say "come back" or "reconnect" do you mean in a romantic sense, like getting back together? Or as a friend?

    I dated an aspie man for a while and lost touch with him for years after we broke up. He started dating a woman and I really didn't hear from him at all during that period, which was fine. To be honest I did not expect to ever hear from him again. Then after he broke up with that woman he reconnected with me (only as a friend, since I am married). I was shocked to hear from him and even more shocked by the implications in his messages that we were going to remain friends indefinitely (mentioning long off future events, implying that I would one day meet his friends where he lives, etc). I was really taken aback and did not know how to respond, but I responded warmly and asked him "Are we going to be friends again?" Of course he did not respond to that part of my message, but his actions very much indicated the answer was yes.

    I don't think you can group people this way in order to know what your ex may or may not due in the future. My friend also has a habit of holding grudges. But yes I do think it's possible.

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
     
  15. AvocadoSmoothie

    AvocadoSmoothie Active Member

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    My Aspie ex-fiancee re-connected with me (also an Aspie) a year after no contact and a bad break up. He apologized for being insensitive (long story, and that's the first time he has ever apologized or even told me he loved me) and wanted us to try again. I've lost feelings and have moved on at this point, even-though some part of me still cared about him.
    Have I ever tried to reconnect with an ex? No. I've obsessed over it, and Lord knows I OBSESS...several times in my head, many times a day. But once I move on, the need to reconnect with an old flame disappear completely. It may creep back in, but I never give in to the urge. When I break up with someone, here is how it goes:

    1) Purge stage (usually lasts a few days to a week, depending on the intensity/length of the relationship)...huge melt down...and I do this in the privacy of my home with no one watching. I HATE people to see me cry and upset. I lose control over my body and will practically be writhing about on the floor or rocking myself under a table or behind the couch. I go 'full retard'. No one has ever seen me like this since I was a teen, and I'm 32 now. I would purge out everything I've ever felt for the person...love, passion, anger, disappointment, hate....at this stage we wouldn't have officially broken up, but things are already bad between us, I would sense him being 'off'. I would write alot to vent, and e-mail them to him, everything I'm feeling and thinking. I would be non-verbal at this stage, and will refuse to be seen or heard in person or on the phone. But yes, angry and sad e-mails, pages of it, filled with every single instance he's hurt me and evidence for it, everything in details, I would dissect the whole relationship and analyze him in the cold harsh light of day (trying my best to stay away from put-downs and insults because that's just cheap)...this is so embarrassing to admit, but if I hadn't done that, I'd feel unheard and in deeper pain, like I don't exist, like I'm just a blob of pain cells. I want him to know why I'm in pain, and I'm horrible at expressing my emotions vocally. Everything needs to be written down. I don't even care if they get read, although they do get read, because he would try to respond them in a rather pathetic way to try and defend himself.

    2) Block stage (immediately after 'purging')...I'm numb and empty at this point, and feel alot better. I block him on all social media. Out of sight, out of mind. As if he never existed. I forget him at this stage, and life goes on to the way it was before I knew him. This is a wonderful place to be after the intense meltdown. Peaceful.

    3) If I'm still single and not dating months later, what happens next is I would suddenly think of him and miss him for no reason, or I would suddenly start having dreams about him. Next thing I know, I'm looking him up on facebook and unblocking him. I would feel an almost uncontrollable urge to contact him, but I always end up resisting...thank goodness.
    Ofcourse, the rational explanation for this is that I need to start dating again. This is a sign that I'm ready to start meeting new people...it's not because I truly miss HIM, I just miss having someone to love and care about. I may have been obsessed with him and felt intensely for him, but that is no excuse for me to go about ruining my future (since logically, I am aware that we actually have no future together, are irrelevant to each other, too may problems, we are too set in our own ways, etc, etc). One thing about us Aspies, when we have our logical-caps on and make a decision, we stick by it stubbornly, because we know we are right, and our logic will not fail us the way our emotions will. Our emotions might confuse us, distract us, and blind us for awhile, but we actually really hate that, it's scary and overwhelming. If your relationship with the Aspie was a good one, and he is a mature Aspie, then what he'd do is probably weigh the pros and cons of being with you...if the pros outweigh the cons, he would contact you, if not, he would resist the urge to, even if he starts to obsess about you and miss you...if he's an immature Aspie who is not very self-aware, he would probably obsessively stalk you, contact you, only to take you back to square 1 and have things blow up in your face again.
     
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  16. hmbradiologia

    hmbradiologia New Member

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    Described my wife and our 10 year marriage was like this with comings and goings.
     
  17. Susagna

    Susagna New Member

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    I'm diagnosed with high-performance autism, but until a year ago I did not know it. Four years ago I left my man from one day to the other, without much feeling, because it seemed to me that I would be better alone. Now, let's see again and I try to understand ourselves better knowing what happens to me. I feel that I love him and that I made a mistake thinking that I would be better alone. I do not know if we can finally return the relationship.
    What's happening to me is that if I rationally decide to do something, feelings for others are almost not there. This has also happened to me with friends that I have been able to stop from one day to the next and obliquate me, although I am sorry later.
     
  18. Susagna

    Susagna New Member

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    I forget them, not obliquate me, sorry
     
  19. Shonda

    Shonda Active Member

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    Dated an aspie who exited my life as suddenly as he appeared. I think of him everyday and I wish he would come back. It's been over a year. Don't mean to enable this way of thinking (as it seems to not be healthy) but you are not alone.