Discovered REAL reason mom is against the move

[oregano]

I picked up the mail at the post office this morning, and I accidentally opened a statement from the federal govt that I didn't realize was addressed to my mom.

It turns out that my mom gets an annuity from the govt probably due to being the spouse of a disabled former govt employee (my dad). It turns out that she also claims ME as a "dependent adult child" and gets a sizable boost in benefits from this. When I move out, that part of the annuity stops, and it's several hundred dollars a month! I looked the legalese over, and it says that if the dependent becomes capable of "self-support" that that part of the annuity stops. I will still be on SSDI and Medicare so I will not have a job, but I will be living away from her.

So it turns out that all the emotional guilt tripping and what-ifing was a cover for her real fear of having a hole blown in her budget when I leave. I can't stay here forever, and I still want to move, but at the same time my mom is rightfully worried about some of the gravy being taken off her gravy train. I think I will call my mom's lawyer on Monday or Tuesday and see if I can schedule a consult without her knowing and ask them what I can do short of staying here until she dies.

 

[SDRSpark]

So how do you feel about this? My first thought is to be angry, because in a lot of these situations the dependent never sees any of the money (and considering you didn't even know about it, that seems likely). I've heard horror stories of people winding up in legal trouble later because they didn't know that a parent was claiming them as a dependent (and obviously, it SHOULD be the parent's problem, but it winds up being a massive headache for the child). I'm glad you found out, so that you can hopefully prevent any of that from happening.

Your mom trying to keep you from moving out so that she can keep collecting government money is really not cool though. Especially if she doesn't NEED the money (but it sounds like maybe she actually does, so there's that).

 

[oregano]

She has plenty of money, not really "in the bank" but she has a state pension because she worked for a school district most of her working life, and she has her Social Security old age pension which I'm not sure how much it is but it is fairly decent, then she has this pension from the military via my dad who was a civilian employee of the Air Force for a while.

She lives in a nice, roomy house that her and my dad built for their retirement, and I live in a little in-law cottage in the back, and then behind me are my aunt and uncle in a couple RV's which is not really legal but it's don't ask don't tell as far as the local govt is concerned because of the stratospheric cost of housing here.

So, about a third of the total benefit of the military pension is from me being a "disabled adult child". She has also mentioned some sort of tax benefit from me living here in the past. So she gets a pretty good amount of money, and the only thing I get is my own SSDI which is credited directly to me. She always complains that she never has a lot of money, but I know that she has packages delivered all the time and most of it is apparently clothes and costume jewelry from China.

I know that money intended for a disabled adult is supposed to be spent for their upkeep, but other than me living here I don't see any of it since I use my SSI for my major expenses. She does pay my car insurance though, but I pay for other car expenses. I do also get to be on my dad's insurance through her being his widow, and it defrays some of my dental costs. Most of my health costs are paid via Medicare though.

 

[Finder]

If she has plenty of money, perhaps her concern is for you. I doubt you can speak to her lawyers "privately." They represent her, not you.

I would have a serious talk with your mother about your future. At some point you will have to live alone. You can pitch this move as a way to test the waters while having the support of your mother. If you frame the conversation in the long term, that will be a way for both of you to discuss your independence.

 

[Crossbreed]

...because in a lot of these situations the dependent never sees any of the money (and considering you didn't even know about it, that seems likely).

@oregano said that he is already getting SSDI. Her extra payment is probably for any care-giving that she might provide.

My daughter gets a combination of SSI & my SSDI. My wife gets some of my SSDI as my daughter's care-giver, too. We charge our daughter a reduced rent, so her estate can cover her needs. If we didn't charge anything at all, we would lose the house.

The court that granted us her guardianship reviews her books annually and has been happy with them (so far).

 

[Mary Terry]

You need to hire your own lawyer, not try to use your mom's lawyer. Parents do not always think clearly and she has a money motive to prevent you from leaving although I'm sure she loves you and is concerned about your wellbeing. However, the time has come for you to move out on your own. It will either make you or break you. It is better that you learn how you will handle living on your own now, rather than later when you are abruptly forced to do so by her absence. Stop agonizing about her and stand up for what you want in life.

 

[oregano]

@Crossbreed: I am not under any guardianship order. I am capable of handling my own affairs in the eyes of the law.

@Mary Terry: I lived on my own, in apartments, between the ages of 18 and 23-something the doctors had said was impossible, and which my parents vehemently opposed. Then I lived on my grandparents land after that. The land where I live now was originally part of my grandfather's land. I can live on my own, but my mom seems to think I can't, and of course she doesn't want to lose that money. And yes I keep explaining to her that if I made no plans I would be out of luck when she dies and be forced to live on the streets, and she blows it off. I sent her a link to an article about a disabled man in a similar situation and how he died horribly, and she ignored it.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Crossbreed: I am not under any guardianship order. I am capable of handling my own affairs in the eyes of the law.

You don't have to be under a guardianship for a live-in relative to get funds for assistance in care-giving. Your being on SSDI is enough.

 

[Mary Terry]

Since you know you can live on your own and you have money to do it, then the only thing stopping you from moving is resistance from your mother? You're way too old to worry about that, Oregano!