Disappearing and reappearing Aspie 'special guy'. Please help!!!

[Monaro_UK]

Hi, everyone. I'm trying to work out what's going on in my Aspie 'special guy's' mind. (I'm NT).

I'm a guy in the UK, and he is from a large Mediterranean city. We met through a gay app while I was on holiday there, and within 10 minutes of meeting him I knew he was special - special in the sense of being with him was magic. I've never experienced anything like it. He was the most beautiful (both inside and outside), wonderful, thoughtful, caring and 100% compatible guy I've ever met. We spent a magical night wandering around his city, talking nonstop for 5 hours. I have NEVER been on a date like that ... and I'm definitely not 'young'! When we finally said 'Goodnight' in the wee early hours of the morning, we hugged, and he didn't stop hugging me, very tightly. We stood at the train station hugging for about 15 minutes, and when I finally pulled away from him (the first time I've been the one to stop hugging first), I looked into his eyes and he was crying!!!!! My heart melted and I hugged him for another 15 or so minutes.

I was staying another 6 days, and we met every night - and every night was magic. On my last day (a Saturday), we met at 10:00am and stayed together until I had to leave for the airport at 7:00pm. I wanted to discuss what will happen now and if this would lead anywhere, but he replied with "I'm shy at discussing intimate things". He said goodbye to me on the train platform, and he stood outside the train door as it started moving, waving to me and blowing me a kiss. Of course, I cried all the way to the airport.

His first text came when I was entering the airport, and he said he looked forward to my return to his city as soon as I could. We exchanged long emails every night until I could return 5 weeks later, and when we saw each other again, the magic was still there. We spent three amazing days together, and I knew I loved him more than I have ever loved any guy in my life. Once again, he said 'Goodbye' to me at the train station platform, once again I cried all the way to the airport. And once again I told him I would return as soon as I could. He sent me a text while I was waiting for my flight, and I received another one when I landed back in London.

And then silence. For 4 days!

I was utterly devastated. I had no idea what was going on. What had I done? When I finally got a text, he said he had been 'crazy busy' and didn't have a chance to text me. Then another silence of 5 days; then silence for a week; then 9 days; then 2 weeks; and so on.

It was at this time that I suspected he is an Aspie. The more I read online, the more I realised Yes, this is him!!! (You name it, he fits the bill. Neutral facial expression, monotone voice, obsessive special interest which is also his job, major OCD which he told me he has, he is a genius, refusing to discuss his feelings and emotions, and then the disappearing act. From his emails and texts, he was having a hard time and from what I read online, he had a stress-related meltdown and vanished.)

Before my second trip to see him, we had Skyped once a week. Now, whenever I told him when I was free to Skype, no response from him. The worst was the 2 week silence. I was heartbroken. Then suddenly, out of the blue, he messaged me to say he could Skype in half an hour's time! And I was out for the day, keeping myself busy! I rushed home to Skype, just to see him. When I saw him, he was a mix of sad, angry and stressed. He said he could chat for 1 hour, no more. The hour went so fast, I didn't want to leave him, and he got angry and told me off because it was a few minutes over the hour he had given me.

I didn't hear from him for 4 weeks, and we didn't Skype for 2 months after that. I felt completely abandoned. Because of the reading I had done over the past 4 months, I knew he is either diagnosed or undiagnosed Aspie and I was trying to understand him as much as I could.

Our Skype chat 2 months later lasted 3 hours and it felt like the first time we met. He was happy to see me, he didn't want to go as he kept introducing new topics to talk about. He even just sat and stared at me for several minutes in silence.

However, I was trying to get back to his city, but he never replied when I sent him the dates when I could come, and Skype was the only way I could see him. His emails and texts were becoming less and less frequent, and I knew he was drifting away. I was heartbroken, I didn't want to lose him, but I had to accept that he was disappearing from my life.

After that last Skype chat, I received maybe 4 texts from him over a 7 month period - one on my birthday (which I was surprised that he remembered) and once on Christmas Day. His text on Christmas Day was the last I got until February, when I emailed him to see how he was. I still missed him immensely. After not hearing a word from him in 2 months, I received a long reply 15 minutes after sending that email. He said he missed me, that he wanted to email me many times but was so 'crazy busy' he didn't and he was coming to the UK and couldn't wait to see me!!!!

We emailed back and forth until I saw him again 4 months later in June! Obviously he wasn't in any hurry to see me. But when he saw me - the first time we had meet in person for 14 months - he hugged me tightly the moment I walked in his door, and once again he didn't let me go for a very long time. I said I missed him, and for the first time since meeting him, he said "Me too". He then told me what had happened.

He had gotten back with his ex around Sept. And his ex had dumped him just after New Year. So I was being used as a rebound, and a cushion for his broken heart. I didn't know whether to walk back to my car and drive off, never to see him again, or to stay and reconnect. Stupidly I chose the latter. He apologized for disappearing, and promised not to do it again. So I decided to stay. I had waited 14 months to hold him, to see him, to be with him and I couldn't leave him. We spent a wonderful night together and it was a painful departure the next day.

He returned to his city the next week. After that, we Skyped once or even twice a week, and he wanted me to come and visit as soon as I could. I managed to get there in September, and once again, I could see his joy when he saw me, hugging the life out of me in the middle of a crowded street, and holding me for 10 minutes or so. I could only stay for 24 hours, but it was wonderful again. When I returned home, we Skyped again every week, and we met up again 4 weeks later. My love for him had returned, and was even stronger than before, even though he refused to talk about anything intimate or romantic (whenever I started a conversation along those lines, he put his hand over my eyes!). Once again, it was 3 days of lots of hugs, kissing, intimacy, talking, laughing, and it felt like we were a couple. It was Heaven. The last time I saw him was on the train station, him holding my hand, not wanting me to leave.

Then - he started disappearing again. Whenever I texted him with dates to Skype or to visit him, no response. He texted me every 3 or 4 days, but refused to Skype. I knew it was the same all over again, and once again I was devastated. Then, just after New Year 2017, we chatted on Whatsapp and I told him I had booked some leave to see him in March. He started making excuses as to why he couldn't see me that didn't make sense, and in the middle of my typing a response, he went offline, and didn't respond.

I spent the rest of the night crying for hours. I realised that since the last time we saw each other, I only ever heard from him AFTER I had sent him a message. For every 3 or 4 texts I'd sent him, he'd send me 1 short text. I made the painful, devastating decision (that tore me apart) to never message him again - I knew I'd never hear from him again. And this is exactly what happened. No message from me, so no message from him again.

Until 2 weeks ago! Completely out of the blue, 7 months after that Whatsapp chat, I received an email from him, once again saying he has been 'crazy busy' and wanting to know 'all my news', sounding like we'd last been in contact a few weeks ago. I didn't reply, mainly because I don't want to reconnect with him. I spent 4 painful, utterly devastating months getting over him; everyone at work said I'd become a different person - sad, depressed, not myself. 7 months on and I am now at a place where I am happy and content, I don't want to return to the pain that he caused me. Then, 2 days ago, he sent a friend request on Facebook, something he has NEVER done in the 2 1/2 years we have known each other.

So - it's obvious that he REALLY wants to reconnect with me. I'm guessing my silence to both his email and his friend request is hurting him.

So - Please help! I'm asking any advice from Aspies who have waded through my story. What is he thinking, getting in touch with me 7 months after disappearing? If you were him right now, what would you be thinking?

Should I reply? Should I just continue to ignore him? I haven't blocked him yet, I don't know why. (Maybe I should just block him now.) Yes, a part of me still loves him. He is the guy I have been searching for all my life. But I don't want to be hurt again - I know if I reconnect with him, my feelings will spiral out of control again. I have no idea what to say to him. Should I be brutally honest and tell him what I went through after he disappeared? Or should I just go along with everything being rosy?

All my friends and work colleagues tell me to ignore him and block him. But being an Aspie, I know I should give him some slack, as the saying goes. I should be understanding; I know that his brain is wired differently and so I know I shouldn't react the way I would if an NT guy had done this to me.

I REALLY don't know what to do. Once again - PLEASE HELP

 

[tree]

Thanks for the paragraphing.
I appreciate that.

I don't appreciate your "special guy" though.
To me he sounds like a 'user.'
Like he uses you for company, when it's
convenient for him.

 

[Warmheart]

The guy sounds like he has compelling magnetism, but also sounds evasive, sneaky, not trustworthy. Open communication and honesty are big.

Seems like he enjoys having "a boyfriend in a box," encapsulated lusty encounters, without you interfering with his real life and plans.
He sounds unavailable.

I am wishing you a good, deep connection with someone solid, reliable, stable, and available.

 

[Bolletje]

Doesn't sound like an Aspie problem, but, sadly, like a bit of asshattery. I think it might be best for you to move on, but I would contact the guy one last time to let him know how hurt you were by the disappearing act.
If he really is on the spectrum, as you suspect, he might not even realize that his actions have caused you such pain.

 

[Flinty]

I'll keep it short: maybe he's just not that into you. No way would I go that long without contacting someone I was that into.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Thanks for the paragraphing.
I appreciate that.

I don't appreciate your "special guy" though.
To me he sounds like a 'user.'
Like he uses you for company, when it's
convenient for him.

I cannot goddam stand users. They make my blood boil. Fake people should all just rot. Barf. I'm not all that fond of myself, one can totally tell from my posts - but I would die before I ever "use" someone like that. We are PEOPLE, not toys. We have FEELINGS. That is something that these users totally lack - and soul. User = loser. If I were you Monaro, I'd let him go as painful as that sounds...especially after him telling you off for "going over the hour". And that awful word "busy"...Geez Louise, people these days just plain suck. Makes me sort of want to take back all the bad things I wrote about myself not so long ago...

 

[Ambi]

One thing that I think is really important - I have seen several people come here and post questions about their significant other, whom they feel sure has undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome. It's really important that so many people, even professional clinicians, fail to properly diagnose Asperger Syndrome - the outward signs could also indicate another issue, or even if they are an Aspie, they can have other diagnoses which are causing the issue. For example, I have often thought I have ADD, like my husband - but if you dig deeper into my experience (deeper than an external observer can see), it's clear that my issue comes from Asperger Syndrome rather than ADD. So please realize this person may not have Asperger Syndrome - and if it's something else, yo're dealing with a totally different thing. It could be a sincere Aspie who is having issues switching focus between things and is overall stressed by trying to balance everything and overwhelmed with life and upset that he can't manage it all more easily. Or it could be a narcissist or a sociopath who is manipulating you. I think it's just so much better to focus on yourself, how you feel, your needs, and who can meet them in a healthy way, regardless of what might be going on with them. Other thing, I would just say from experience (others may totally disagree) - beware of "magic". I have never had those kinds of relationships work out long-term - all of my female friends who had guys sweep them off their feet like that ended up crashing and burning eventually. In real life, Mr. Big never works out and never comes back. Just my own opinion, not telling you what to do, and I don't meant to smear your experience, I only say that out of concern, I could totally be wrong. Also, the book that helped me the most with understanding relationship dynamics was "Attached" by Amir Levine. If this guy is an avoidant type, then this is a typical pattern. And actually, "He's just not that into you" was also a really helpful book for me.

 

[Alaska]

I hope that u can give up this guy who has been abusive to you. The "magic" times with him sound suspiciously like the honeymoon phase that abusers use to control their victims. It will only get worse if you keep a relationship with this guy.

You deserve better and can get it elsewhere.

 

[Annieoh]

The back and forth becomes almost addicting because of the highs and the abandonment phases.
I ended up with anxiety attacks and PTSD. Be careful.
It's extremely painful. You never know what dactly what to expect. My boyfriend made unilateral decisions constantly. Painfully difficult to leave someone you love..

 

[ImAnAspie]

Whoa! My eyes are tired.

Was there a question in there?

My answer?!?! Get a cat!

 

[NTlovesanaspie]

OMG. I could have written this. I have long suspected my boyfriend has ASD. I don't believe he knows it...This story is THE SAME as mine. I am currently in week 2 of the silent treatment. I do not know what to do when he reappears, which he will. He will act as if nothing has changed. he will probably even ask why we stopped talking. Do you have an update? What happened??

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Let's go back to the beginning. I don't know what the "deal" was supposed to be. At some "dating" spaces (maybe not all) there is understood to be an entire gamut, between friendship (of all flavours) and long term union.

Of course we are supposed to be found special, and magic, and beautiful (and so are you, each in our own way). Unless there genuinely was a specific deal that he was known to be crystal explicitly clear of, I don't see him as totally "asshatting". Are not free human beings supposed to let each other have space and time?

Everybody wonders if someone else is using them, it's a natural question.

As for the on-off with the "ex" I see a vast mass of such people (not just neuro "untypicals") victims of a vague language of vague concepts in relating.

It may not be understood - by large numbers of people - whether it is "permissible" to have friendships - at varying mental and physical levels - between the friendships.

His conversation shows he is interested in what he talks about and that is fine of you if find it interesting too.

Am not negating what the others say, merely painting the picture wider, an inveterate fault of mine!

 

[Alexej]

OMG. I could have written this. I have long suspected my boyfriend has ASD.

HI and welcome to the Forums. I see that this is your first post.

Do hang around a bit, and read some of the older threads - lots of good experience there.

 

[Aspychata]

Let's go back to the beginning. I don't know what the "deal" was supposed to be. At some "dating" spaces (maybe not all) there is understood to be an entire gamut, between friendship (of all flavours) and long term union.

Of course we are supposed to be found special, and magic, and beautiful (and so are you, each in our own way). Unless there genuinely was a specific deal that he was known to be crystal explicitly clear of, I don't see him as totally "asshatting". Are not free human beings supposed to let each other have space and time?

Everybody wonders if someone else is using them, it's a natural question.

As for the on-off with the "ex" I see a vast mass of such people (not just neuro "untypicals") victims of a vague language of vague concepts in relating.

It may not be understood - by large numbers of people - whether it is "permissible" to have friendships - at varying mental and physical levels - between the friendships.

His conversation shows he is interested in what he talks about and that is fine of you if find it interesting too.

Am not negating what the others say, merely painting the picture wider, an inveterate fault of mine!

Life is busy. Some of us need more emotional packages then other people do. I have to side with above quote from wolfgangus- wait we have another wolf poster at this forum. Do you have a wolf-double? Lol

 

[tomaustin95]

I have been in a similar situation so know what it feels like. There are the massive highs and endorphin rush when he is around and reciprocating and terrible lows when the fears of abandonment set in during his "quiet" periods. Like you I make a lot of allowances because I am 99% certain he is on the ASD spectrum somewhere (although going back with the "ex" would have been a red flag for me).

In my case I have got repeatedly burned out by the constant swings from "everything to nothing" but I also realised my feelings were limerent rather than true love because when looked at it rationally....me and the other guy actually are not a good fit for a whole hill of reasons. In your case the distance between you as you both lived in different countries made a "proper" relationship simply unrealistic.

Looked at it with hindsight (my situation is still kinda ongoing) I should go in search of someone who is more worthy of my obvious love and affection. But again....the highs you experience when he is communicating and wanting to be part of your life are like cocaine....they are addictive. As an Aspie, our brains are wired to seek out this stimulation so it is a viscous circle to be stuck in.