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Dilemma of efamily gatherings - "Black Sheep"

howlingmadpanda

Well-Known Member
What I ask for is an assessment of my current situation and reccommendations (based on empirical evidence) of what I might do to remedy said issues detailed in what follows.

Facts:
To start out I am currently experiencing what one might call very unstable years that play an integral role in the development of one's character -- I am 14 years of age.
At the age of four or so I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome after my grandmother had noticed I was very picky, spoke late, excellent at putting puzzles together, had an excellent memory, and developed obsessions and a slight form of OCD (Lining up train cars).
When in second grade I was tested with an Intelligence Quotient (IQ) in the high 140's, for those of you not familiar, this is more than two (I believe three) standard deviations away from the mean. ~98 Percentile. Based on my current thirst for knowledge and ability to think based on mine and the observations of those around me I would place it in the mid 150's. I know this may sound Narcissistic, however, I believe this is true. Seeing as though I developed an interest in physics in seventh grade, programming in sixth, and mathematics (now on calc II) last year and still maintain them, I believe this may be true. I feel it necessary to provide such information as my "abnormal" brain is undoubtedly the root of my current problems.

Story:
Two days ago, I attended a family gathering. I have never particularly loved family gatherings due to my being the youngest in the family and a slight grudge I still bear after having my curiosity shot down by cousins, aunts, and uncles at past gatherings. (I recall asking many questions or attempting to learn the tasks done by others and repeatedly being yelled at) That being said, my family maintains a history of overall kindness despite drunkeness in one family member. Despite all of the flaws with my family we have had our fair share of moments and I respect the experience under the belts of all family members due to old age and love them all equally. As is normal at family gatherings, I proceeded to do my own thing as I had in the past -- when I was young I played pokemon, during elementary school started bringing books and occasional games, and now bring books and my laptop. This year I proceeded to read my "Feynman Lectures on Physics - Volume I" which I quite enjoyed, tired from my building sleep defecit, learning, food, and interaction I moved to another room. The issues begin here: I was called into the kitchen by my mother who wanted me to play a hand of Pinocle, I stated that I disliked the game. I was then lectured that later in life my friends or girlfriends may wish to play said cards. I then made a fatal mistake, I stated something along the lines of "My friends and I have different interests." Now, normally such a statement would have been perfectly stable, however, with a mother who works in a prison, it might as well have been Ununoctium. I was then scolded about how I act "High and Mighty", mean, anti-social, etc. I never shouted or retaliated I simply walked away. Similar events ensue at all family meets. Do not get me wrong -- I do make arrogant statements, I am not very emotionally stables, and I understand that my family members have far more experience on Earth. I am simply different than them, I have different interests and I think differently. I later found out my mother was infuriated because I neglected to purchase her a Christmas gift. I calmly explained to her I had limited time due to a sport she forced me to do (for my own good, however.), schoolwork (especially a C in an algebra class due to missed homework and labelling, I kid you not, I have calculated a 14% loss purely due to using my own method and receiving the correct answer and the former two reasons, but off of this tangent), and that with my limited budget I could afford a simple candle or make a card, something that isn't special I purchase every year.

I apologise for the extreme length, however, I felt it necessary to convey my story.
 
...Why did she expect you to buy something? You're 14. o_O If you've already got a job, you're way ahead of most teenagers. If you get an allowance, that's kind of odd to give somebody money just to have them buy something for you. Hrm. Being anti-social just comes with the age. You're too old to play with the fun stuff you're used to without sideways glances and too young for much more than books, and it seems everybody is always criticizing you about something and everybody wanted everything done five minutes ago. And I think there may be some latent remorse and control issues since the parents realize their baby is growing up and only a few short years from being a legal adult, and a few adjustment issues when they realize you're your own person and might not share all the same interests. It usually gets better, I promise! Most parents chill out later on. Until then, just keep trying for mutual patience and trying to keep civil.
 
I'm guessing that several of your older relatives realize you are a respectful and decent human being. Your mom is always going to be more 'complicated' of a relationship. That was a nice post, you're a fine writer too. hang in there. Too bad about the algebra being marked off just because you do it your own way.
We share being a black sheep; except you're way smarter than me. ;)
 
I have in the past made arrogant statements as well. It was mainly at work though. I would tell people that the things they were doing didn't seem like the most effective way. It probably annoyed them, and no one ever changed how they did things to suit me, so I stopped after a short period of time. Maybe they feel you owe them some subservience. I don't know that there are any hard fast rules for what a child owes a parent, it's really up to you what kind of relationship you want to build with your family. You could live forever in an uncompromising state, only doing what you want to do, but I'm not sure I have personal experience with this. In some areas, as a kid, you have little choice, for example, you have to go to school and abide by laws, and if your parents moved to another city tomorrow, you would have to go with them. Maybe it would help to view your relationships the same as your homework grade in algebra. If you really wanted a good grade you would have to pay more attention to how you answered the questions and meet the specific desires of the teacher. I had a calculus teacher who was very eccentric and wanted the name and date written in a specific place on the paper, and wanted a staple at 1/4" margins, stapled horizontally, not vertically or diagonally, at the top of any pages that were to be stapled, and the answers had to be written in a specific format, etc. I performed all of these tasks and was reasonably amused while doing so, but if I hadn't I would not have gotten good grades in the class or may have been picked on by the teacher. So if your mother sets out some strange tasks or expectations, you might consider it as a relationship grade. I'm sure she believes you love her, and that you will always be at a passing grade just being yourself, but she is probably holding back somewhat on account that she feels you are also holding back. If you want your mother to be more supportive of you then consider trying to work harder through similar situations where she asks you to do something, for example make compromises. She may not have been hell-bent on playing cards and you could have suggested doing something else together. As for the Christmas present, a $5 gift is traditional, and if you want your parents to give you Christmas presents in the future it is worth considering, lol.

I liked your story by the way, it was cool.
 
I have a similar profile in history, interests, school, family issues, social concerns, and, yeah, too bright for some folks's liking.

You probably are already aware that Mom is afraid for you and showing it badly. Given her line of work, she may believe that being "antisocial" means you're at risk. Criminals are notably creative, the dangerous ones are bright, and none of them go with the rules. Or she could be embarrassed that you're too different and believes that reflects on her (may not be as true of you as it was of me).

Something that has helped me is to study and observe people around me, notice what they respond well to, and use that data when I have to make a social gesture, or just get along. Ie, my teenaged son doesn't like the color green, does like items that don't have obvious brand marks on them, does like ethnic foods and certain flavors and activities. So anything referencing any of these things is pleasing. Whether I would appreciate them isn't the point.

Instead of advice, let me offer some questions to think about.
  1. Has your mom met your friends? Does she know them? Like them?
  2. Can you humor people who are as needy for their quirks as you and I are for ours? For instance, putting the staples in the right place can:
    1. Prove that you follow directions (you understand and are cooperative--an NT thing)
    2. Help a teacher with a lot of papers to sort (it does make a huge difference in paper behavior where you put a physical anchor, such as a staple or rubber band-this is a work thing and a practical matter for the person handling lots of papers)
    3. Help another human being like yourself, whose world just isn't right when everything's not under control (the teacher could be OCD or OCPD--but it's still better for you to humor him or her)
  3. Do you talk about what makes you happy? If you do, does she understand you?
  4. Would it help matters to adopt a social rule about gifts, now that you know how important they are to her? (An NT thing, but there are a lot of them, and sometimes little things assume disproportionate importance: flowers on birthday, a note about what you appreciate about a person, a card that feels too 'sentimental' to you but which would be appreciated by her, for example.)
  5. Can you discuss this stuff with other members of the family?
 

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